The Year of the Ox

It is upon us. The Year of the Ox. I was born three Oxen ago. I was hoping that the raspberry would also be an Ox, but she came early, and officially is a Rat (as is Jackson). But she is here, finally. And she is beautiful (just like her mother). She has a tendency to projectile poop. But that's ok, we still love her. At the end of the day I am happy and feel incredibly lucky at the life I have somehow managed to obtain.

It's been awhile since I posted and I've been meaning to post a new year's blog for about 30 days now. I have been busy though and the time is simply not there. So, let me take a moment to say Happy New Year and to reflect on the past year.

I completely misjudged how effectual the media is on the American psyche. They turned the Presidential campaign into American Idol. The people phoned in their votes and it turns out that an old white man cannot be the new American Idol afterall. McCain didn't have a chance despite his choosing of Palin, who was just attractive enough that they made a porno spoof of her. When was the last time a porno was made about a VP candidate? That alone made it a great election year.

I have also learned that the Cheese Factory is controlled remotely by a Jewish she-devil who claims to be a Christian. This proves that you cannot truly convert a Jew and no matter how much she says she loves Jeezy Creezy, she's still just a greasy two-faced sleezy be-atch, who I shall dub Judas Easy.

Speaking of Jews, once again the Israeli's and Palestinians decided to go at it just before the end of the year. There is no hope for those people. They are like two old men who are still pissed at each other for something that happened so long ago that they can't even remember who killed who's dog. I think the real problem is that they are unattractive people. I don't mean that they are ugly per se, they just aren't hot. I can't think of one truly hot Jew (above, case in point) or Palestinian. And we all know that the value of any person or race depends upon how hot they are. (At least this is what I learned on ET last night). Why does everyone get so upset when they kill each other? Why don't we just stay out of it and let them duke it out? Please someone win once and for all so we can move on to the next news story on NPR. (This will likely be about how Obama has been concealing his super powers and that his father was not only African but also descended from the a super race of black Jews who ruled their kingdom peacefully until an evil army of rabid white Southern Baptists drove them from their homes, enslaved them and made them listen to country music.)

Then there is the real news story out of Illinois, Governor Hair Folicle. Seriously, what's up with Blagoyavich (sp?)'s hair? Talk about alien species. That guy has too much hair for any one human being. I think he alone holds the secret to curing male pattern baldness. (The cure is by the way shaving your GD head and not worrying about it anymore.)

Once again Florida won the national title which annoys the hell out of me. I vote for Utah, not because I think they're the best team, but because I hate Florida. The Detroit Lions officially are the worst NFL team ever. Kansas City is a close second. And the Steelers are going to the Super Bowl!

The Economy- good lord- if there's something to be worried about I guess that's it. Unless you live in Wichita and then you also have to worry about a syphilis outbreak too.

So, we're excited about the new year here in the Williams household and are fortunate in that we have a little Rat to distract us from how bad things are in the great big white world. Stay strong people, put your head between your knees and hold on tight because a big wind of change is coming and there's probably some projectile poo flying in its wake.

Sometimes...

Tonight, as I was putting Jackson to bed, which has now become an almost nightly occurrence, he asked me a question which totally caught me off guard. "How do you know when you meet the person you want to spend the rest of your life with?" In those nanoseconds after he asked me, I'm sitting there on his bed trying to figure out how to explain to a 12-year old how I'm going to explain how I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with his mother. My immediate response was, "Well, it's hard to explain, but you just know. It's a feeling that you get." I was hoping that would confuse him enough to stop the conversation. And then he really threw me for a loop, because he immediately followed it up by asking, "Is it when you picture yourself as an old man sitting next to her in rocking chairs on a porch in the country with rings on your fingers?" I can't speak for everyone on the planet, but for me that's about the best way I could put it, and I can't lie and say that I haven't had nearly that exact same thought about his mother. And as I'm sitting here writing, I'm completely amazed at the line of questioning and the similarity that this 12-year old's picture of what true love must look like to mine. Is it that basic of a human instinct? To want to spend the rest of your life with someone that you truly love and grow old with them and sit on a porch in peace rocking the day away with a symbol of your love displayed on your wrinkled fingers?

The longer I sat there with him, listening to him tell me about his burgeoning middle school romance, I was trying to figure out a way to explain to him that he's got a long time to worry about such things as "true love" and the "rest of your life" in a way that wouldn't scare the crap out of him. I mean let's face it, how many people find that ever? How many bad relationships have I endured before I finally met his mother? How long did that take? How do you explain to a 12-year old, that before you find the person you truly want to be with, you truly need to know yourself? And in order to get to know yourself, sometimes you have to go through some incredibly hard and painful periods of growth? How do you explain to someone who cannot understand that you can spend years just trying to find out who you are and that for a good number of those years you're really just not that intelligent? That your self-perception evolves over those years and that hopefully you never stop evolving, and the real key is to find that person who will evolve with you? And honestly, I cannot stress this enough, how do you tell him that it wasn't easy, that it didn't magically happen, that it wasn't wanted or planned, and that it wasn't instantaeous like it is in the movies? You can't tell him any of those things. All you can tell him is that "you'll just know."

Because it just happened. It wasn't all at once. It came in phases and instances. But when I knew, I knew. And once I knew, there was no turning back. And that realization was more powerful than any I have ever had. And once the knowledge hit me that this 12-year old's mother was the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, I did imagine that we would someday be sitting on a porch, surrounded by our grandchildren, and telling them stories about each other and how we met. I always imagined a porch swing, but that's close to a rocking chair. I've always imagined myself in the country when I'm old.

Of course, by the time I realized that I couldn't tell him all of the difficulty it took me to get to this point, and that it took me over 33 years before I met the "one for me," he had finally moved on to less serious topics of discussion like how great he is at baseball and how he can't wait to go fishing with his friend and his dream about trying to kill terrorists but accidentally killing the president. So, hopefully, as far as he's concerned, I've confirmed his porch-vision, and informed him that "you just know." The rest he will figure out on his own. Just like I had to do.

Enough Already!

I am tired of hearing about the g-d election already. I am also tired of hearing about the polls and how Obama's blowing out McCain with a five point lead. Isn't there a margin of difference of five points? Here's what I think: the media wanted Obama to win the Democratic nomination so they flooded the airwaves with Obama crap; now they want him to win the election, so they're doing the same. If the media says he's going to win, he's going to win (at least that's the strategy). I guess we'll see what happens in a couple of weeks.

Another thing I'm tired of hearing about is the stock market. I think by this point we know how bad the economy is. I don't need to hear about some guy in Ireland's theory on economic philosophy to understand that the entire world is totally f'd right now. I get it. Someone please fix it, now. There is also something else I'm learning from all of this: regardless of how bad the economy gets, nothing beats cash (unless of course it really goes south and then nothing beats weaponry). Seriously, if you have cash on hand you can buy what you need. It's tangible. It's not floating around in cyberspace to be lost on some weird futures market that sounds like a mix between gambling and fortune telling. If you need a corn dog you can buy it with cash. Just because some a-hole in Jakarta just tanked his online and offshore brokerage house that was somehow connected to your pension plan can in no way effect the cash you already have in your pocket, and you can still go buy your damn corn dog. Now obviously if you put your cash in a jar instead of in the stock market it's not going to increase in value. But you'll still have it as long as you don't touch it. This whole thing is stupid. Everyone is trying to blame everyone and no one's really getting blamed because it's everyone's fault. Yes, it's all of our faults. The entire world bought into the idea of credit for everyone regardless of whether or not you're worth it. In fact we think we deserve credit. Well credit where credit is due, I say (and other smart people too). (I should note here that I for one am glad I bought my car before this crap storm started.)

Ok... enough for this evening. My idea is this: kill NAFTA bring the jobs back to America so that Americans can afford to buy American cars again; F*^K free trade, tariff the crap out of foreign cars- nothing else, just cars; drill for oil here, but please invent a car that doesn't use gas; stop these BS wars, if you're going to kill people, kill everyone in the country so there are NO insurgents; shut down the border, we have too many bad Mexican restaurants already; make reality television stop; legalize marijuana and tax the crap out of it; and prostitution; and gambling; and televangelists; recognize gay marriage because divorce attorneys don't make enough money as it is; give us some form of free basic health care; shut up about abortion, whichever side you're on- if you're for it, great, abort away- if you're against it, I'll let you meet some people that live under a bridge, you'll change your mind; eugenics is not a bad thing, it's just gotten a bad wrap and with the newfound genetic sciences we could quite possibly become a better species; do away with the IRS and institute a nationwide VAT.... I've got more, but I'm tired.

Married

It's now been eight days since I got married. And I am pretty much as happy as anyone could possibly hope to be in this condition. You might say that I didn't exactly take to marriage the first time around. But that could be due to a less than ideal relationship. I've come to realize that it is not a personality flaw. I seriously questioned this at one point. I thought maybe that I was eternally flawed an incapable of actually loving anyone. Turns out I hadn't met the right person.

And now, here we are. I can honestly say that I have met someone who has left absolutely nothing to want. I can also say that considering the fact that we are awaiting the raspberry, it feels a lot better being married and expecting, then just expecting. There is something very comforting in the legality of ones relationship with the participating parent. Didn't have that the first time I became a father either.

So, aside from the sheer joy I'm feeling at the moment, there's a lot of comfort in the feeling that this time, things are being done properly (although maybe not in a typical chronological order) and that things feel like they're supposed to feel, whatever that means. And I'm not concerned with social norms and expectations so much as I am with the way things feel to me and Mrs. Williams. And they feel right. Often they border on feeling perfect, but this is when things get overwhelming and so good that it's scary. And that's when I start feeling nervous. This happens a lot.

It's after 10pm on a Monday night. That means I should be asleep, in bed, with my wife.

Who I'm Not Voting For

I have a completely different post in mind which is more personal. However, with the upcoming Presidential election and the depressing realization that I can stand behind neither big party candidate, I'd like to take a moment to talk about someone else I'm not voting for. That person is Chuck Baldwin. Now, I have no idea who ol' Chuck is. But I do know his running mate, Darrel Castle. In fact I've had the guy over to my house for dinner. And based on my knowledge of Mr. Castle, I can definitely say that I will not be voting for his ticket. Not even if all the Republicans and Democrats folded and we were left with the Constitutionalists (Castle's paty) and the Communists. Like many people out there in the RW who only know the basics about the two major parties, you're probably wondering what the hell a Constitutionalist is. Well, from what I can gather, a Constitutionalist is a lot like a Libertarian. But Libertarian sounds too much like liberal, and that's just not acceptable for people even further to the right than Republicans. I think that as the name implies, Castle's party has some affinity for the sanctity of the Constitution. I know this because he told me at a cocktail lounge in KC after we'd imbibed one too many martinis. Like any American, I too like the Constitution. And like many, I feel attached to some of the inalienable rights. Maybe not all of them, but some are pretty cool. I especially like the Freedom of Speech part. Now, like any legal document, the Constitution is to be interpreted as changing societal issues and mores require. I mean we're not living in the 18th century (when it was written dumb-asses) any longer, so a document written for 18th-century revolutionaries may not apply to 21st-century fat soccer moms. (The Jews have this same problem with the Torah which is why there are Rabbis.) And just like there are different sorts of Jews (Conservative, Orthodox, Hasidic), there are different types of Americans. One sort is Constitutionalists like Mr. Castle.

Apparently his view of the Constitution says that we all have the right to have man-servants and live in a large house paid for by the misfortune of really dumb, misled poor people. It is true that he is a successful business man (and lawyer). In fact I had the (mis)fortune of working for his firm here in KC. One thing I learned is that bankruptcy law is there for not only to aid people in their dire financial circumstances and to help them get out from the burden of debt, it's also there to make lawyers a lot of money. I also learned that it's not about actually helping people, but it's about making money off of their misery. It's about signing people up who have no right or reason to actually file bankruptcy, but since they are there, you might as well take their money and agree with them that they do indeed need to file bankruptcy. And once they have filed they will then become one of about 3000 active bankruptcy customers who are actively represented by 2-3 attorneys depending on the day and whether or not someone has either quit or been fired. This is what you call quality legal representation. And this is how Constitutionalists and Christians apparently practice bankruptcy law. And it is your Constitutional right to get less than adequate legal representation and be treated like a customer at Wal-Mart. But most people expect to get treated that way in today's America, especially poor black people, which is who the bulk of the advertising paid for by Mr. Castle targets. It's really actually pretty smart, business-wise. I mean seriously, poor black people are really only looking for another way to postpone losing everything and have absolutely no faith in the legal system anyways, so they're an easy target for predatory advertising and no real professional commitment. In choosing to represent them, you know they're not going to carry through with their case and follow instructions, because they're dumb, which is why they're poor. So, you get easy money up front which is non-refundable and don't actually have to do much in the way of actual legal work. It's genius. It's the American way. It's the Constitutionalist way. It's the Castle way.

So, join Mr. Castle in his fight for your Constitutional rights (as he interprets them) and you too can take advantage of poor black (and white, he's not racist) people while earning enough money to have servants and still have time in your busy day to go to church and run an orphanage in Romania.

As I said, I'm not supporting anyone this time. I know it's not a popular thing to say with all of the Obama supporters around me. But seriously, it's my Constitutional right to not like the man, I think Mr. Castle would agree with me on that point.

For the love of Pink

Quickly, and for the record, the raspberry is a girl! I'm so excited... we're so excited!! I'm a little nervous too. It's been over 15 years since I became a dad for the first time, and that was a completely different scenario. I didn't really get to experience the joys and frustrations of fatherhood as I could have. So, I know that there's going to be a lot of learning going on in all of this. Fortunately, I have a very high opinion of myself and feel very confident that I will perform at a high level in various skills such as diaper changing and pacifying. I am sure that I will also learn the value of mowing the lawn and spending time in the garage. My monk-like patience will come in handy in this new life as will my ability to selectively hear various sounds emitting from various feminine orificies. Yes, I am quite certain that I will be wonderful at this dad thing. Just as I am quite certain that I will love my daughter as she should be loved and that if I love her even half as much, although in an obviously different way, as I love her mother, she will be loved more than most people will ever have the fortune to experience. It's true, I am quite lucky, and if the above is not reason enough, I also have a new young man in my life who has made me feel like a father again even before I am biologically a repeating offender. I know, I should play the Powerball. I have been, but I haven't won. If I do, I promise that I will not spoil any of the children I am responsible for too badly. But I will buy myself a really sick car. Peace.

19

I realize it's been two weeks since my last post. I wish I could say it's been because I've been on vacation. But I can't say that. No, I've just been incredibly busy, surprisingly, and fighting a 12-year-old for the use of the laptop. Jackson's discovered the beauty of IM'ing. And apparently all of the little lasses in Natoma are into the IM thing. So, he's got like six GF's now. Oh to be young again...

We are patiently awaiting the 19th. And it seems as if at the moment the number 19 has some significance. Only because it as on the 19th of May that we found out we were expecting. And now on September 19th we find out the sex of the baby. Exciting, no? Yes. Very.

Last weekend we were supposed to be in Arkansas for a soccer tournament. Due to Hurricane Ike, the tournament was cancelled. I thought that the sun was never going to come out again after last week. But, yesterday it did. And the past two days have been pretty much perfect. This weekend we have a soccer tournament in Olathe and Allie's parents are coming for a visit. No signs of Hurricanes thank god.

So, I wonder what else the number 19 will bring us... In case you were wondering, it was on the 19th of August in which I appeared in court to finalize my divorce, and thus also on the 19th I will be officially divorced.

On a different note, F#$K the Cheese Factory and F$%K Onions and Shrek and those f#$ing A#$hole "christians" from Tennessee who have no problem running an unethical business that takes advantage of the misfortune of the lowest denominator. And while I'm at it, F$#K my brother-in-law who still hasn't had the decency or the GD cajones to talk to me like a man. And I'm not even mad. I'm happier right now than I've ever been in my life. But I hope they all get butt raped by Shaq (except for Onions and Mrs. Cheese 'cause I bet they'd like it, I hope they get eternal poison ivy in their hoo-has and go insane from the itching).

I am boycotting the elections by the way. I can't vote for Obama and I think if I vote for McCain I might as well start shopping at Wal-Mart and get rid of all my morals (as weird and nonsensical as they may be.)

Alright, peace out. And I promise I'm not mad, I just hate those freaking A#$HOLES.