Nothing Like Moving

Ahh...I can tell it's (Monday, Soom-waar, Doshanbeh, yawm-al-ithnayn, Kamal, Boomtime) by the insanity in the air. I hope y'all had a good weekend. I spent mine moving Ms. Allie M. and boy was it fun. No major injuries and only minor residual soreness. But I can safely say that I am physically exhausted. As I'm sure you know, yesterday was Mothers' Day, so I hope you told your mom that you love her. I didn't but that's because I have a weird relationship with my mom and we don't say those sorts of things to each other. I did, however, finally tell her about my "situation" in regards to Ms. Allie M. Her response was to tell me about her new Great Dane's obsession with eating kleenex. Nothing like a good heart-to-heart with Mrs. Williams. But, it's all out there now. And speaking of parents, I got to meet Allie's dad this weekend for the first time, which went just fine, I think. Being that I was out of the office on Friday and nowhere near either cable TV or the internet, I feel like I have no idea what's going on outside of the move. Apparently an earthquake's devestated a region in China and people in Myanmar are dropping like flies in the aftermath of last week's cyclone. Sucks to be in SE Asia.

In 1191 Richard I "the Lionheart" of England married Berengaria of Navarre (Spain). It is rumored that Richard may have been leaning towards the other team and actually had the hots for Berengaria's brother Sancho VII. I'm not sure this plays into the romantic notion which the English held for their Lionheart, or the one which was depicted in the 1935 movie "The Crusade" which featured the above mentioned wedding. But, hey, who's to deny the king of England some man-love? In 1328 the antipope Nicholas V was coronated in Rome. In 1364 the oldest university in Poland, Jageillonian Univ., opened. In 1551 the oldest university in the Americas, the National Univ. of San Marcos, opened in Lima, Peru- not to be confused with Lima, OH. In 1932 the Lindbergh baby was found dead in Hopewell, NJ. In 1942 1500 Jews were sent to the gas chambers at Auschwitz. And in 1982 an assassination attempt on Pope John Paul II by a rogue priest was thwarted in Fatima, Portugal.

Today is International Nurses' Day. Please, ladies, kindly dress in sexy nurses outfits. This will remind us to thank nurses who care for us and always seem to have affairs with doctors- at least on tv and in most every hospital and doctor's office.

It is also the Day of Finnishness. One must ask oneself, "What does it mean to be Finnish?" I have no idea as I am not Finnish. Do you know anyone who is Finnish? If you do, you should ask them, "Pray tell, what does it mean to be Finnish?" If anyone finds out, please send in your discoveries.

It is also Whit Monday. This is a movable feast in Christianity celebrated the day after Pentecost.

Happy Birthday: King Gustav I of Sweden (dead); Florence Nightengale; Katharine Hepburn; Yogi Berra; Burt Bacharach (fr. KC, MO); George Carlin, who is a funny man; Gabriel Byrne; Ving Rhames; Emilio Estevez, where are you?; Stephen Baldwin; and the most successful skateboarder ever, Tony Hawk.

Enjoy your day...I won't because the King and Queen of Cheese are here to make the employees tremble.

Once a Hodcarrier...

Welcome to Thursday (Veer-waar, Panjshanbeh, yawm-al-khamis, Istijlal, Pungenday). Today will be the last day of the work-week for me. At least at the Cheese Factory. For the next two days I will be assisting the lovely Allie M. in her big move- which is like all of four blocks- but big meaning important, not in geographic distance...A couple things I'd like to point out today: first of all, there's a lot of ugly people in Missouri that should not be allowed to breed; and secondly, if gas gets anymore expensive I think that someone should lead an armed rebellion to the headquarters of the big oil companies and demand something be done. There is a place in this world for an armed uprising, and to protest the audacity of the oil companies who are literally living off the pain of the masses is one of these. On a different note, since I hate my job and want to stuff a gasoline-soaked rag into the mouths of the management and light a match, I'm in the process of putting together a resume. I remember that not so very long ago I was a hodcarrier. This sounds like a horrible job, but it really wasn't. Hard work? Yes. But it was a job and I basically got paid to work out, just not enough to live off of. Trust me, carrying bricks and stone up three stories worth of scaffolding is a workout.

In 1541 Hernando de Soto reached the Mississippi River and named it Rio de Espiritu Santo. In 1794 the French chemist and tax collector Antoine Lavoisier was tried, convicted, and guillotined all in one day. That's what I call a speedy trial. In 1821 the Greeks defeated the Turks in the Battle of Gravia. In 1846 the US defeated Mexico in the first major battle of the Mexican-American War. In 1861 Richmond, VA was chosen as the capital of the Confederate States of America. In 1877 the first Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show took place in NYC. This reminds of the great film "Best in Show", which was hilarious. In 1886 John Pemberton invented Coca-Cola. Thank you Mr. Pemberton. In 1902 a volcano in Martinique erupted and killed over 30,000 people. Martinique is a Caribbean island which is owned and operated by the French. In 1914 Paramount Pictures was formed. In 1973 the 71-day standoff between federal agents and the American Indian Movement at Wounded Knee, SD ended without too many fatalities. In 1984 the USSR and several Eastern Bloc nations announced they would be boycotting the Summer Olympics in Los Angeles. And in 1997 a China Southern Airlines flight crashed killing 35.

Today is V-E day which meant something to our grandparents but is probably getting lost on our children. It is also Parents' Day in S. Korea. Nothing says, "I love my parents" like cat on a barby.

Happy Birthday: Queen Joanna of France (dead); Harry S. Truman (dead President); author, Thomas Pynchon; molestor, Gary Glitter; former Steelers coach, Bill Cowher; and Enrique Iglesias.

The blog will be quiet until Monday. Please enjoy the silence.

I Hate Hippies

Fine, it's (Wednesday, Bhud-waar, Chaharshanbeh, yawm-al-arba'a, Idal, Boomtime) and I should be relieved. I'm not. I feel very much at odds with the world right now. Still not feeling well and I am sitting in the Cheese Factory which is very cheesy today. Many strange things seem to be going on in the world. Over 20,000 have been killed in Myanmar (Burma) by a cyclone which has absolutely nothing to do with a woman moving her body like a cyclone. Don't worry thought because apparently the UN has decided to "force" the Myanmar junta to accept aid. I honestly don't recall the UN ever being able to truly force anything upon anyone. I will not eat Arby's for quite some time. To make matters worse, I was stuck behind some dirty hippie in mid-80's Volvo station wagon most of the way to the Cheese Factory this morning and all I could think about was the strong desire to make a molotov cocktail.

In 558 the dome of the Hagia Sophia, one of the greatest churches ever, collapsed. In 1274 the 2nd Council of Lyon opened to regulate the election of Popes. In 1429 Joan of Arc led the French to victory at Orleans. In 1763 Chief Pontiac led an attack against British forces at Fort Detroit. To honor this event someone named a car company after Chief Pontiac. In 1824 Beethoven's Ninth Symphony premiered in Vienna. He did not hear it. Because he was deaf. In 1840 a tornado hit Natchez, MS killing 317. In 1847 the American Medical Association was founded to give doctors something to be a part of. In 1915 the German submarine Unterseeboat 20 sunk the RMS Lusitania killing 1198 people. In 1946 Sony was founded. In 1964 a suicidal passenger aboard a Pacific Air Lines flight shot the pilot and co-pilot during the flight. As you can probably guess, the plane crashed killing all 44 aboard. In 1992 four employees at a McDonald's in Nova Scotia, Canada were killed during a robbery. This was the first murder at a fast food restaurant in Canada. They're always lagging behind. In 1998 Daimler-Benz bought Chrysler for $40 billion. Bad move. In 1999 Pope John Paul II became the first Pope to visit a primarily Eastern Orthodox country since 1054 when he went to Romania. Later that day, a jury found the Jenny Jones Show liable for the murder of Scott Amedure (of Lake Orion, MI) who was killed after he announced on his show that he had a man-crush on his friend. If that's not enough to happen in one day, the US "accidentally" bombed the Chinese embassy in Belgrade. I am pretty sure the US military has never accidentally bombed an embassy of a nation with which we have potentially strained relations. Especially when nothing else around it was hit.

Today is Radio Day in Russia. So to celebrate I suggest you turn on your radio grab a bottle of vodka and a tin of pickled herring. Open up a copy of Tolstoy and start calling everyone comrade and saying "nyet" or "da" depending on the question.

If you were born today you have a good chance of being either a composer (like Tchaikovsky or Brahms) or a porn star (like Traci Lords or Nicole Sheridan). Either way perhaps you'll realize that in life there is a quiet rhythm and if you're quiet and still sometimes you can actually feel it. And in those still moments, when there is naught but the sublte undulations of the earth below and the skies above, it is possible to hear that soft spoken voice which my great-grandmother would have called god. I don't know if it's god or if it's simply that inner voice that is so often drowned out by the roar of life as we hurtle ourselves through it.... Today seems like a good day to be still and listen.... and if not today, then soon I hope, for all of us.

Of Swollen Streams

Bon matin. Aujourd'hui est (Mardi, Tuesday, Mangal-waar, Seshanbeh, yawm-ath-thalatha, Fidal, Sweetmorn). J'ai mal a la tete. Et je deteste les Fracaises. Maintenant, le chat est sur la table et l'amore est dans l'air. Je ne sais pas quelle je parle parce que ma Francaise est tres mal. Mais, je sais que je suis en amore avec une fille qui as le nom d'Allie. Sacre bleu. Merde. Cafe au lait.

Sorry about that.

So, I went and saw The Swell Season last night and it was pretty amazing. If you haven't seen "Once" or heard the songs from the movies, you should. I did NOT cry. But it was really hot in the Uptown Theater, and being really hot and sick, is rough. No complaints though. It was well worth it. I will say that it's not my typical concert, but it was very enjoyable. Someone thinks they're going to get me to go to a country music concert, and I think that person really has it in for me.

Today in 1527 Spanish and German troops sacked Rome. 147 Swiss Guards died protecting Pope Clement VII who fled to the Castel Sant'Angelo. Many people overlook the Castel when visiting Rome, but I have to say it's one of my favorite spots. The view from the roof is probably one of the best views in the world. And if you think that the Church is lacking money, today's picture is of Clement's bathroom in the Castel. In 1536 King Henry VIII ordered that English Bibles be placed in all churches. This is important because as we know, English is the language of God. In 1861 Arkansas seceded from the Union. Arkansas is the Natural State and is home to such natural things as Wal-Mart, Bill Clinton, and incest. The pronunciation of Arkansas was actually a subject of debate until 1881 when it was voted by the Arkansas legislature to be officically pronounced Ar-kan-saw. I have never stepped foot in Arkansas. In 1877 Chief Crazy Horse surrendered to the US Army in Nebraska. In 1889 the Eiffel Tower opened to the public. In 1937 the Hindenberg zeppelin exploded over Lakehurst, NJ killing everyone aboard. In 1954 Roger Bannister became the first person to run a sub 4-minute mile. In 1976 an earthquake killed 989 people in Friuli, a region in northern Italy. In 1988 a Norwegian plane crashed into the side of a mountain killing 36. In 1994 the Chunnel opened. There is no way in hell I would drive in a tunnel under the ocean. The potential for tragedy seems way too high. That very same day Paula Jones filed suit against Arkansas native Bill Clinton for sexual harassment. And in 2001 Pope John Paul II became the first Pope to enter a mosque.

Today is Durdevan in Serbia and Yuri's Day in Russia. These are just localized terms for St. George's Day. Apparently Yuri is Russian for George. I never knew this until today. I would never name my son George, and I would definitely never name him Yuri. But that's neither here nor there.

Happy Birthday: Pope Marcellus II; Pope Innocent X; Maximillian Robespierre, who was a real bastard; Sigmund Freud, I don't care what you say I never wanted to bone my mom; Orson Welles; Tony Blair; and George Clooney, I'm not saying that I would I would do a guy, but if I absolutely had to, if my life depended on it.... (that's a line from a movie and in the movie actually is referring to Elvis, but come on, Yuri Clooney is a good looking guy).

Two fingers and lots of love and au revoir.

The Swell Season

Welcome back to Hell. Or as most of us like to refer to it, the work week. That means it's (Monday, Soom-waar, Doshanbeh, yawm-al-ithnayn, Kamal, Setting Orange). If I had a little bit more crap in my head right now, I would probably not be able to hold it up. It would just flop around uncontrollably on my neck. I don't really know if this is allergies or an actual illness. I'm guessing that it's the latter since someone else with whom I've been in close proximity was sick last week. One cannot blame another for germs. It's the way of the world. And to be perfectly honest, I don't feel that bad. Just heavy in the head. Anyway, hopefully your weekend was marvellous. Mine was pretty fun. Yesterday I saw a pancake that was bigger than any pancake I have ever seen. It was ridiculous. But, damn it was good. I also watched a good amount of soccer in Emporia, KS. I had never been to Emporia before. And despite what you may think, there was an excellent place to eat lunch in that sprawling metropolis.

So, in 1260 Kublai Khan became the Mongol Emperor. In 1494 Christopher Columbus landed in Jamaica and more than likely got stoned. In 1809 Mary Kies became the first woman in the US to receive a patent. On the very same day the Swiss Canton of Aargau denied citizenship to Jews. In 1835 the first railway on the continent (Europe) opened in Belgium. In 1862 the Mexicans defeated the French at the Battle of Puebla. We celebrate this event as Cinco de Mayo. This has basically turned into a reason to get drunk on cerveza and tequila and is in effect a Mexican flavored St. Patrick's Day without the parades and leprechauns. I have no problem with celebrating, but if you ask any respectable Mexican, they will tell you that the actual holiday is really not all that significant for Mexicans. In 1865 the first train robbery took place in North Bend, OH. In 1891 Carnegie Hall opened in NYC. In 1925 John Scopes was served an arrest warrant for teaching evolution. In 1955 West Germany became a sovereign state 10 years after WWII ended. In 1991 a riot broke out in Mt. Pleasant, Washington, D.C. I've been there before, and it's a pretty cool area. And in 1992 the 27th Amendment to the US Constitution was ratified. If you don't know this one, it has to do with the salary of US Congressmen.

Today is International Midwives' Day. Midwives are not the middle wives of polygamous marriages. They are birthing engineers and witches. They drive vehicles with bumper stickers that read "My other car is a broomstick." They also do all natural childbirths that are void of drugs and doctors.

In Hong Kong, Macau, S. Korea, and Taiwan today is the Buddha's Birthday. Happy Birthday Buddha. It is also Children's Day in S. Korea. In Japan today is Boys' Day. It's good to be a boy. Despite being controlled by our stomaches, we bleed less.

In Albania it's Martyrs' Day. And it is also the Day of the Lusophone, which is someone who speaks Portuguese.

Happy Birthday: King Afonso III of Portugal; Karl Marx; Kurt Loder; Bob Seger (from MI); Bill Ward, drummer of Black Sabbath; Brian Williams (no relation), of NBC News; Tina Yothers, where are you now?; and Chris Brown, who is popular with the kids apparently.

Enjoy your Monday. Tonight I will be watching the duet from the movie "Once". I am very excited and I am not going to cry!!

Descent into the Maelstrom

Friday at last, thank god almighty, Friday at last. (And yes it's also Chukar-waar, Jom'eh, yawm-al-jum'a, Istiqlal, Boomtime.)

Hopefully the storms last night did not knock anyone's teeth out. I was woken up at about 2a.m. but it wasn't by the storm. No worries, I went back to sleep. Apparently the rain was blowing parallel to the ground at certain points last night. One thing I did learn is that they do not just test the air raid sirens on the first of the month in Kansas. Nope, those actually mean something. Who knew? Another great thing about Michigan is that aside from the occasional blizzard and the rare tornado, the number of natural disasters is pretty minimal. I do remember a severe flood when I was in 3rd grade. But that's neither here nor there. When in KS, heed air raid sirens. It does not mean that the Russians are attacking, but it does mean that you should take cover.

In 1808 the people of Madrid rose up in rebellion against French occupation (see the picture). Can you imagine being occupied by the French? GD French sound like they're mumbling all the time. I can't stand them. And they're so uppity. They don't even make any cool cars. I mean come on, a Citroen? In 1876 the April Uprising began in Bulgaria despite the fact that it was May. In 1885 Good Housekeeping went on sale for the first time. I'm guessing this was magazine was the brainchild of a man who wanted his wife to a better job of housekeeping. In 1918 General Motors acquired Chevrolet. In 1920 the first Negro National League baseball game was played in Indianapolis. In 1933 Adolf Hitler banned trade unions in Germany. In 1955 Tennessee Williams (no relation) won the Pulitzer Prize for "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof". And in 2004 a bunch of Christians masscred 630 Muslims in Nigeria.

In Poland today is Flag Day. In Iran today is Teachers' Day. More than likely they are teaching the children that the holocaust never happened and that America is evil. In Indonesia it is National Education Day. Please do not spit on the sidewalks or swear or you will be publicly flogged.

Happy Birthday: Dr. Spock; Englebert Humperdinck; The Rock; and David Beckham (please take your pretty ass back to the UK, we have enough useless celebrities already).

Please enjoy your day and your weekend. Apparently I'm going to Emporia, KS to watch soccer tomorrow. I was not aware of this until this morning and am quite excited to see yet another new place, even if it's Emporia, KS.

"Money can't by happiness, but poverty can't buy anything."

Happy Labour Day

"People, I just want to say, you know, can we all get along?"- Rodney King, 16 years ago today.

Once again we find ourself at work on this (Thursday, Veer-waar, Panjshanbeh, yawm-al-khamis, Istijlal, Sweetmorn) when the rest of the world has the day off. The reason is that it is Labour Day in the rest of the known universe. Of course in America, we have to be different and celebrate it in September. Why? I don't know. Maybe because we're not socialist scum. Not that there's anything wrong with socialists, they seem to have more holidays than capitalists. And right now, I could use a holiday. Today is Law Day in the USofA but seeing as how we don't really respect the law, it's still not a holiday. And if that's not enough, it's all so May Day. This has something to do with a mullberry bush and a running around a flagpole I think. I could be confusing my children's songs.

In 1707 England and Scotland merged and formed the Kingdom of Great Britain. In 1753 the "Species Planatarum" was published which codified plant taxonomy for the ages. In 1776 Adam Weishaupt established the Illuminati in Bavaria in order to take over the world. He took as his superhero name Brother Spartacus. He claimed to have the power of gaydar and wore black leather chaps and a thong. Many thought he was a tad strange. In 1834 slavery was abolished in the British colonies. In 1846 the Mormons dedicated the Temple in Nauvoo, IL. Two years later Phi Gamma Delta fraternity was founded. In 1886 the 8 hr work day was established in the US. In 1900 200 miners died in Scofield, UT. In 1927 the first cooked meals were served during a flight. Pasta or chicken? In 1931 the Empire State Building was dedicated. In 1971 Amtrak was founded. And in 1978 the first spam email was sent.

Today is Yom HaShoah, or Holocaust Remebrance Day. It is only slightly inconsiderate to propose a BBQ to celebrate. It's also Beltane in the Celtic lands which requires bonfires to be lit which may or may not be a reason to celebrate, but you should not celebrate both holidays at once.

In the Czech Republic today is National Love Day. In the past, I would be opposed to such a day. For some reason, I'm now completely ok with the idea of celebrating love and think that when you say love you should say it like Barry White said it. It's Lei Day in Hawaii which could be taken as having to do with some lovin'. And to make matters even better, it's National Outdoor Intercourse Day. That's what I'm talkin' about. Some good ol' outdoor lovin'. Everyone should go outside with their lover and become one with nature, or maybe two with nature, of if your're feeling really sexy, three with nature. Even the Romans were thinking about love today as the women of Rome were honoring Bona Dea today, the goddess of fertility (and virginity and healing and women).

It's all about the love baby! You may be allergic to the spring pollens, but you know you're not allergic to love, and if you are allergic to love, then you need some love antihistamines, like white chocolate, and my nickname just happens to be white chocolate. So while you're spending your May Day at work sneezing and mad because you're not in a socialist country which has the day off of work and stuck in your capitalist office, just remember that there's someone out there that loves you and has some love antihistamines waiting for you and it's called white chocolate. And if you want to be called Calamity Jane, because it's her birthday today, even though she looked like a man (see picture), then I'll be your Pecos Bill, and we can make sweet cowboy love under a blanket of stars and I'll sing you a Tim McGraw song (it's his birthday too) although I don't know any, but I'm sure at least one of them is about love. And I love you even if you are sneezing due to all the pollens in the air and you have snot running down your face and I made you wear that Lei around your neck which is made of flowers and is making your allergies even worse, but hey, I always wanted to make love outdoors to a cowgirl in a lei. I'll call you Bona Dea, baby, and my love is bonified, I promise.

Ok... I will now put down the pipe.