World Turtle Day

The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round...

Welcome to the crackhouse of the KC legal world. I'm so tired of the whiny beatches that are our clients. And there is absolutely nothing to be done about it. But, thank Bradgelina it's (Friday, Chukar-waar, Jom'eh, yawm-al-jum'a, Istiqlal, Pungenday). This weekend is a three-day weekend thank the lord. Of course this will be my third long weekend in a row, but that's neither here nor there. It's my house, and if you don't like it, you can get the F#$K out!

So, in 1430 Joan of Arc was captured by the Burgundians. The Burgundians were so called because they always wore burgundy colored hats. This trait was a result of a coming-of-age ritural in which the white hats of young men were dipped into the new batch of Burgundy wine produced each year signifying their attaining manhood. Burgundy is the most expensive wine in the world which gives rise to a great deal of pompousness. The Burgundians were a hated lot by many Europeans, much the same as the Lombards. In 1498 Savonarola was burned at the stake in Florence for being a heretic. Heretics were said to smell like beef when they burned, which was proof that were indeed heretics. If they were good Christians, they would have smelled like chicken. In 1533 the marriage of Henry VIII and Catherine of Aragon was annulled. In 1618 the 2nd Defenstration of Prague took place as the Bohemians threw a bunch of Catholics out of the windows of Prague Castle. Some of them survived the fall, which the Catholics attributed to divine intervention, while the Protestants claimed it was because they fell in a big pile of manure. In 1701 Capt. William Kidd was executed in London for being a pirate. Argh, matey. In 1846 Mexico declared war on America. In 1863 the Seventh Day Adventist Church was organized in Battle Creek, MI. In 1873 the North West Mounted Police were formed in Canada. In 1929 the first Mickey Mouse cartoon debuted. In 1934 Bonnie and Clyde were ambushed and killed by the police in Black Lake, LA. That same day in Toledo, OH strikers at the Auto-Lite plant engaged the Ohio National Guard in a melee. Nothing like a good melee. And in 1970 a fire on the Britannia Bridge in Wales caused over a million pounds worth of damage.

For Discordians, today is the Day of Disunity. So, please cause a raucous today.

And as implied by the title, it is indeed World Turtle Day. Turtles are weird but sort of cool. According to that one fable they are "slow and steady". According to others, they make good soup. I've never eaten turtle before and I'm really not all that interested in doing so.

Happy Birthday: King Philip I of France; Rosemary Clooney; Joan Collins; Marvelous Marving Hagler; Drew Carey; and Jewel, who I have to say is slightly hot.

Have a good weekend and a great Memorial Day. Peace.

David Not Cook

Well the Show Me State has an American Idol. Sweet. Somehow I managed to find myself watching the whole fiasco last night. What a shameless display of capitalism and showmanship. Paula Abdul's breasts were begging to fall out of her dress. That might have made the show worth watching. But, if anyone asks, I can say that yes, I too watched the television program which proved to the world that not everything that comes out of Missouri is crap, unless of course you consider the whole American Idol thing to be crapolicious. And today it's raining, all sorts of lightning going on, looks like the world my end at any moment, but it won't. Nope, it's going to keep going on until I find myself in a mini-van or station wagon remembering those bygone Wednesday nights spent with the freedom to watch American Idol uninterrupted... please give me something to distract me!!!

So, on this (Thursday, Veer-waar, Panjshanbeh, yawm-al-khamis, Istijlal, Boomtime) in 334 BCE Alexander the Great defeated Darius III of Persia at the Battle of Granicus. In 1337 Pope Gregory XI issued five papal bulls (because one just wasn't enough) denouncing John Wycliffe, not to be confused with Wyclef Jean. Wycliffe was opposed to papal interference in secular matters and was the first to translate the Bible into God's English. He was also big on predestination and believed that there was ONE universal church and outside of that there was NO salvation. In 1807 Vice President Aaron Burr was indicted for treason. In 1819 the SS Savannah left Savannah, Georgia en route to becoming the first steamship to cross the Atlantic. In 1826 Darwin's ship, the HMS Beagle, left Plymouth, England. In 1843 thousands of people left Independence, MO on the Oregon Trail in search of a nicer place to live due to a horrible meth problem. In 1844 the Bab announced his revelation to the world, effectively founding Babism, the forerunner of the Baha'i. In 1856 Preston Brooks, a Congressman from S. Carolina, beat down Senator Charles Sumner with a cane because Sumner was getting all out of sorts about the Bleeding Kansas situation (pictured). In 1906 the Summer Olympics opened in Athens. That same day the Wright Brothers received a patent for their "flying machine". In 1915 five trains collided in Scotland killing 227. In 1936 the Irish airline Aer Lingus was founded. I've flown Aer Lingus seveal times. They're nice people but do not offer free booze on their flights which really pisses me off. And in 1967 the department store L'Innovation in Brussels, Belgium burnt down killing 323 people.

Today is World Biodiversity Day. We should celebrate the diversity of our bios. It's wonderful to have different kinds of bios in the world. There's nothing like the intermingling of bios to remind ourselves that our kind of bio is not the only bio or the best bio, but a different bio.

In Yemen today is National Day. Yemen is on the SW tip of the Arabian Peninsula. Its capital is San'a' and it's home to more than 23 million people who are almost all Muslims. Yemen is slightly larger than California and the average Yemeni woman has 7 children. You know what that means. Yemenis like to get busy, yeah, it's business time in Yemen.

Happy Birthday: Richard Wagner, "Oh Bwoomhilda, you aw wuvwy..."; the artist, Mary Cassatt; Sir Arthur Conan Doyle; unabomber, Ted Kaczynski; and Naomi Campbell.

Have a great day....tomorrow is Friday!!!

Just Say It

You're glad that it's Hump Day. The middle of the week offers us some time to reflect on what's passed, and provides us hope for what lies ahead. When I was living with my parents Wednesdays (Bhud-waar, Chaharshanbeh, yawm-al-arba'a, Idal, Sweetmorn) were the longest days of the week (other than Sundays). After the long, painful school day, we spent our Wednesday evenings at prayer service. Your typical prayer service resembled a regular church service only with an emphasis on Prayer and Testimony, which was church-speak for group participation. It was never fun, and rarely did it invoke any sort of desire to participate. We usually got home no earlier than 9pm, just in time to go to bed. Now, Wednesdays thankfully are my own (I use that term very lightly), and I haven't been to a prayer service in over 17 years, and have no plans on going to one. All I can really say is that, on this Wednesday, I instead get to go to an American Idol party to see who's going to win a contest that I could care less about... but at least I have a choice in the matter, don't I?

In 996 the 16-year-old Otto III was crowned Holy Roman Emperor. Can you imagine spending the morning at the DMV getting your driver's license and the afternoon in the Cathedral getting coronated as ruler of what's left of the Western Empire by the Pope himself? That's some year. In 1856 Lawrence, KS was captured and burned by pro-slavery forces. In 1871 today was the first day of what became known as the Bloody Week as French government troops clashed with Parisian citizens. 20,000 civilians were killed during the uprising, hence the term bloody. In 1881 the American Red Cross was founded by Clara Barton. In 1904 FIFA, the governing body of international soccer (football) was founded in Paris. In 1927 Lindbergh completed his trans-Atlantic flight that he started yesterday. In 1934 in an Orwellian event, the town of Oskaloosa, Iowa became the first US city to fingerprint all of its residents. In 1996 7 Trappist monks were killed in Algeria by radical Muslim whackos. These men are collectively known as the Martyrs of Atlas. God got his revenge in 2003 as an earthquake killed over 2000 in Algeria.

Today is Navy Day in Chile. The origin of the name of this nation, which lies on the SW coast of S. America, is shrouded in mystery and has nothing to do with chili which is wonderful when eaten on top of french fries and smothered with cheese. It could possibly be from a Mapuche Indian word, "chilli", which means "where the land ends". The capital is Santiago and the country has about 16 million residents, 40% of which live around Santiago. Chile is the largest producer of copper and the 5th largest producer of wine in the world. 65% of Chileans are mestizo and 70% of them are Catholics.

Lots of Birthdays: Albrecht Durer, the German artist, who etched today's picture; King Philip II of Spain (dead); Alexander Pope, the English poet; the French artist, Henri Rousseau; Raymond Burr; Al Franken; Mr. T., I pity the fool; Judge Reinhold, don't know what happened to him; Jeffrey Dahmer, psycho; the Notorious BIG (dead); Fairuza Balk; Ricky Williams, dumb ass; my mom; and Belladonna, who was raised a Mormon but became a porn star.

Have a good day. There's still hope for the rest of the week.

Jack-Town

Welcome back to the insanity!! Yes sir, it's (Tuesday, Mangal-waar, Seshanbeh, yawm-ath-thalatha, Fidal, Setting Orange). The bad thing about going out of town for a couple of days is that your work starts piling up. So, you get back to work and find a pile of files in your chair about two feet high. FTS, America. I guess the show must go on. Time stops for no man (or woman). And many other proverbs. I got to see my son this weekend for the first time in over two years. That was pretty awesome. It wasn't enough time, but it was awesome nonetheless. That being said, I have no idea what's going on in the world right now. I've been in Michigan where it's cold and I was sober the entire time. Weird. So, right now I'm in a sprint to get today's blog done.

In 352 the first Council of Nicaea begun in Turkey. The result was the establishment of the Nicene Creed which is one of the most important Creeds in the history of Christianity and was the first step in establishing an orthodox church. In 526 an earthquake killed about 300,000 in Syria. In 685 the Battle of Dunnichen took place between the Picts and the Northumbrians in Scotland. Picts are a mysterious race of people that historians are not clear about. The term comes from the Latin "Picti" which means "painted or tatooed". In 1570 the first modern atlas was published by Abraham Ortelius. In 1609 Shakespeare's Sonnets were first published. In 1631 the city of Magdeburg, Germany was captured by the Holy Roman Empire and most of its inhabitants were slaughtered. In 1840 the York Minster was damaged in a fire. York is an amazingly quaint city and if you ever want to visit somplace that really feels like a medieval English village, you should go to York. And if you do, you should visit the Minster (cathedral) which is pretty interesting. In 1873 Levi Strauss and Jacob Davis received a patent for blue jeans. In 1927 Charles Lindbergh took off on the first solo, non-stop trans-Atlantic flight. Five years later, Amelia Earhart was the first woman to do the same thing. In 1940 the first prisoners arrived at Auschwitz. In 1965 a Pakistani Airlines flight crashed killing 119. And in 1989 the Chinese government declared martial law.

Two things: I need to get a divorce and I hate O'Hare. And one more thing, Detroit is the most depressing city I have ever been to.

Happy Birthday: Honore de Balzac; William Fargo; Jimmy Stewart; Jack Kevorkian; Cher; and Busta Rhymes.

Peace.

The Den of W.T. and Iniquity

OMG it's finally Thursday (Veer-waar, Panjshanbeh, yawm-al-khamis, Istijlal, Setting Orange). It is also the Ides of May which means absolutely nothing to me, but it sounds cool to say it. So, yesterday evening I got tricked into going to the Den of W.T. and Iniquity, a.k.a. Wal-Mart. It doesn't matter which Wal-Mart you go into, you could go into any Wal-Mart in the country and the clientelle is exactly the same: W.T. (or the equivalent socio-economic taxonomical term for the cultural majority in said Wal-Mart). Not only will you find the same class of of people, but you will find the same size of people. Around every corner you find cankles and cottage cheese. Everyone wears sweatpants at Wal-Mart. Wal-Marts are like giant light bulbs that attract ugly people from all corners of the neighborhood. The fat humanoids are drawn to the glowing light and cannot help but find their way to the low prices and flourescent-bulbed aisles down which they push their carts filled with fat children while looking miserable and angry because they realize that they are just as fat and ugly as the rest of the WT's walking around aimlessly. At least they're getting some exercise.

In 1252 Pope Innocent IV issued the papal bull "ad extirpanda" which authorized the torture of heretics during the Inquisition. GW Bush attempted to cite this bull in his justification for torturing terrorists, but he wrongly referred to it in a press conference about the birth of a new panda cub, and some German media, who are the only ones who actually are smart enough to read Latin, began circulating a story in Europe claiming that Americans support the torture of pandas. In 1525 Thomas Muntzer, who was an apocalyptic preacher and general whack job, led a group of peasants in an uprising against their rulers. As fate would have it, approximately 10,000 peasants were killed in the battle, while only 6 died from the other side. Muntzer was captured and later beheaded. In 1602 Bartholomew Gosnold discovered Cape Cod, the official cape of this blog. This would make the Cape Cod the official drink of this blog as well. And though I'm not the one who always drinks Cape Cods (Allie M.), you really can't go wrong with ordering one. In 1718 James Puckle patented the first machine gun. In 1817 the first insane asylum in the US opened in Philadelphia called the "Asylum for the Relief of Persons Deprived of the Use of Their Reason." That is an awesome name for a nut house. In 1862 the US Dept of Agriculture was created. Seven years later Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Stanton formed the National Woman's Suffrage Association which was labeled a terrorist organization at the time. In 1905 Las Vegas was founded. In 1935 the Moscow Metro opened. And five years later the first McDonald's opened in San Bernadino, CA.

Today is International Conscientious Objectors Day. I would like to object to having to work and pay taxes, conscientiously of course.

In the central S. American nation of Paraguay today is Independence Day. We don't hear much about Paraguay but its capital is Asuncion and there are about 6.7 million people who live in the landlocked country. It's the 2nd poorest nation in S. America and its major exports are cattle and soybeans. Sounds like Illinois. 95% of the population are mestizos (or mixed race) and of Spanish-Guarani Indian descent. 89% are Roman Catholics althought there are 66,000 Mormons.

In ancient Rome today was the Mercuralia in honor of Mercury the god of merchants and commerce. In the US today is Peace Officers Memorial Day. In Mexico and S. Korea it's Teachers' Day and I would propose we eat burritos gatos in honor of this event.

For Palestinians today is Nakba Day or the Day of Catastrophe in memory of the founding of the State of Israel and the resulting displacement of over 700,000 Palestinians. There were people who lived there before the UN decided to create Israel and when it was created all those who lived there were forced into exile. No wonder why Palestinians are angry.

Happy Birthday: Peter Schaffer who wrote "Equus" which is a really good play; Jasper Johns, I don't get his art; Madeleine Albright, one of the uglies women in politics ever; Brian Eno; Chazz Palminteri; KC hero, George Brett; and steroid monster and murderer Ray Lewis, yeah, I said it.

Stolen Glances

Well la-di-fricking-da. Yeah, it's Wednesday. I know, I know, everyone is thankful. Being that it is Hump Day (Bhud-waar, Chaharshanbeh, yawm-al-arba'a, Idal, Prickle-Prickle), it's only suiting that some people started their day off right. I don't know what this means. The way not to start the day is waiting in line somewhere in Myanmar for aid from a foreign nation that's been delayed by your tyrannical rulers and likely stolen by the soldiers who are supposed to be helping but are likely suffering just as much as you are. So, I guess if you're not in that predicament, then you should feel lucky. Another way not to spend the day is being trapped under a pile of rubble somewhere in China.

I hate American Idol.

In 1607 Jamestown, VA was officially settled by the English. In 1610 King Henry IV of France was assassinated. In 1643 the 4-year-old Louis XIV became King of France. On his first day on the job he instructed his court to feed him nothing but cookies and cake and asked all servants to dress like rabbits and chickens and play with him whenever he wanted. He also asked that he be addressed as King Poopy Pants. In 1787 delegates began to meet in Philadelphia to write the US Constitution. In 1804 the Lewis and Clark expedition left from Hartford, IL. In 1863 the Battle of Jackson took place. This has nothing to do with Jackson, MI or Jackson County, MO or even Jackson M. No, this battle took place in Jackson, MS. In 1925 Virginia Woolf's novel "Mrs. Dalloway" was published. I have not read this book. I did, however, read "Orlando" which sucked ass. It was hell. There is a movie with the same title and it sucked as well. There is a good deal of nudity in the movie, so I guess that's ok, if you like nudity in movies. In 1927 the National Honorary Classical Fraternity Eta Sigma Phi was founded at the Univ. of Chicago for nerds. And you thought Lambda Lambda Lambda was cool, and Omega Mu's. And 20 years ago a drunk driver going the wrong way on I-71 in KY hit a church bus filled with Christian youths and killed 27 of them. That's injustice for you.

Happy Birthday: Dante Alighieri; Che Guevara; George Lucas, thank you for selling out; David Byrne, the wonderful weird soul; Robert Zemeckis; Tim Roth; Suzy Kolber, women should not be sports reporters; and Cate Blanchett, hot.

Have a nice day and please hump as much as you can, for the future of our great nation.

Mense Maio malae nubent

Yes sir, it's (Tuesday, Mangal-waar, Seshanbeh, yawm-ath-thalatha, Fidal, Pungenday). The only thing good about that is that it's not Monday any longer. The skies in KC look a little ominous today. Apparently I have gone insane...but the insanity is a complete 180 from my previous mental state. In any case, the world seems to be spinning towards something strange and positive. Being that I've been completely oblivious to what's going on in the local news which sort of happens when you rely wholly on the internet for news. It seems that the KCPD are shooting a bunch of people. They probably deserve it. But I think there have been like three police shootings in the past week and that's just a little crazy. Obviously we're approaching summer and we all know what that means. People start losing their minds.

In 1497 Pope Alexander VI excommunicated Girolamo Savonarola. Savonarola was a Dominican priest who was higly critical of the moral corruption of the clergy (imagine that). Savonarola was very popular in Florence, Italy and was responsible for the Bonfire of the Vanities in which he ordered Florentines to burn items which siginfied moral laxity such as: mirrors, cosmetics, lewd pictures, musical instruments, fine dresses, and a lot of artwork. Sounds like he'd make a good citizen of Kansas. (The picture is of his execution.) In 1607 Jamestown Settlement was founded. In 1787 11 ships filled with prisoners left Portsmouth, England to found a penal colony in Australia. In 1846 the US declared war on Mexico. In 1880 in Menlo Park, NJ Thomas Edison tested his electric railway. Eight years later Brazil abolished slavery. In 1939 the first commercial radio station debuted in Bloomfield, CT. In 1958 Velcro was trademarked. In 1980 an F3 tornado hit Kalamazoo, MI. I lived in Kalamazoo for six years and have to say that it's not a bad place at all. The following year Mehmet Al Agca attempted to assassinate Pope John Paul II but failed. In 1985 the Philadelphia Police dropped a bomb on a housing complex in an attempt to root out members of MOVE. Eleven people died and an entire city block burned to the ground. At least the KCPD is dropping bombs on the city. And in 1996 600 people died in Bangladesh due to bad weather, I know, shocker.

In ancient Rome, today was the Lemuralia, a day in which Romans would exorcise malevolent ghosts, known as larvae or lemures, from their houses. They would walk around the house barefoot throwing black beans over their shoulders chanting, "With these beans I redeem me and mine." Apparently May was a month when the dead were thought to be a little too close to the living which made May a bad month to get married in, hence today's title.

In Fiji today is Rotuma Day.

Happy Birthday: Pope Innocent XIII (dead); Pope Pius IX (dead); Georges Papanikolaou, inventor of the Pap smear; Joe Louis (from Detroit); Roger Zelazny, the Mormon sci-fi author; Harvey Keitel, who's been naked in a few movies; Stevie Wonder (from Saginaw, MI); Dennis Rodman, weirdo; Debbie Stull, mother of Allie; Laura K., lover of the tree; and Darius Rucker, of Hootie and the Blowfish- "No bull S&%T, no slaveships, no motherf$#kin' Hootie and the Blowfish."

Enjoy your Tuesday. It only happens once a week.