Competitive Bed-Wetting

I don't know whether or not I should be happy that it's (Wednesday, Bhud-waar, Chaharshanbeh, yawm-al-arba'a, Idal, Setting Orange). The day started out pretty flippin' good. It's supposed to be 80 degrees today which makes me feel rather warm and fuzzy. But, still it's ONLY Wednesday and this week has taken its toll.

I think that one of the things that sets Americans apart from the rest of the world is our competitiveness. We love competing in things. We love victory. The rest of the world has basically one professional sport- soccer. (True, there are others rugby, hockey, cricket, Formula 1, golf.) We have a sport for every season and can't seem to get enough of any of them. And not only do we love professional sports we love all sports. In fact we try to make competitions out of everything. Who can eat the most hot dogs in a minute? Who can pull an airplane the furthest with his teeth? Who is the best singer? Who is the fattest person that lost the most weight? Who sold the most records? Who is the best dancer? You get the picture. And now we have competing celebrities who are ranked by something called the xRank. I don't know what this is and I am not going to find out. But do we really need to pit our celebrities against each other to find out who's the best? If it were a real-life celebrity death match, then I'd say ok. But this is just something to waste more of our time worrying about and obsessing about. If I spent as much time paying attention to GD celebrities as I do writing this blog, then maybe Allie would let me be on her trivia team. But I could give a flying F*&K how Paris Hilton stacks up against Brittney Spears in the latest xRankings. Here's the deal. They're both attractive women who are famous because of some really good (and bad) publicity who can't wipe their own asses without their entourage around to help them and who likely are so wrapped up in their own fame that they will actually pay attention to these BS xRankings and start doing things to be even more famous. Eventually news of bed-wettings will follow. I promise.

Ok, so, in 711 the Moors began their conquest of the Iberian Peninsula (Spain). In 1492 Spain granted Christopher Columbus his commission of exploration. In 1789 George Washington took oath as the first President of the USofA. In 1803 the US bought the Louisiana Territory from France for $15 million. Nine years later Louisiana became a state. In 1871 settlers in Arizona massacred 144 Apaches, mostly women and children. In 1900 Casey Jones died in a train wreck. Whether he was high on cocaine, I cannot say. In 1927 the first women's federal prison opened in Alderson, WV. That same day Douglas Fairbanks and Mary Pickford became the first celebrities to put their footprints in the cement at the Chinese Theater in Hollywood. In 1939 regularly scheduled TV broadcasting was begun by NBC. Later that day FDR became the first President to appear on TV. In 1945 Adolf and Eva committed suicide in their bunker on their honeymoon.

In case you were wondering, Jimi Hendrix was apparently well-endowed.

Tonight is Walpurgis Night in Europe. This was known as the "enclosure of the fallen" and was a time when the dead were said to walk the earth. To fend off these scary ghost people lit bonfires. In Celtic counties, it's known as Beltane Eve. And in the Czech Republic and Slovakia tonight is Witches' Night. Mostly it's just a big party now, but I bet there's some overweight lesbians running around the woods naked somewhere calling down the goddess.

In Vietnam today is Liberation Day. In Mexico today is Children's Day.

Happy Birthday: King Philip III of France (dead); Queen Mary II of England (dead); Queen Juliana of the Netherlands (dead); Willie Nelson (stoned); King Carl XVI of Sweden (cold); Isiah Thomas (unemployed); and Kirsten Dunst (typecasted).

Later....

I am the Walrus

Goo-goo-g'joob.

Welcome to Tuesday (Mangal-waar, Seshanbeh, yawm-ath-thalatha, Fidal, Prickle-Prickle). There's all sorts of weird things going on the world. I'm sure you heard about that nut job in Austria who kept his daughter locked up and kept impregnating her over the last 24 years. Despite the sickness of it all, that's a lot of work for one guy. Then on MSN this morning someone feels bad for rich people who have to fill up the gas tanks in their private jets... Are you serious? If it's such a big strain on you budget, fly first class and let your jet sit in the hangar for a bit. I know it's probably hard to go back to flying like everyone else in the world and that getting to board first, exit first, and get free drinks and your ass kissed really sucks, but if you can't afford the petrol for the Lear jet, then maybe mass transportation is what you'll have to suffer through. I mean I know I hate having to sit in a barcalounger while I fly, which is why I prefer to fly coach and get stuck in a seat the size of the one you had at school in 6th grade. Invariably I'm stuck between a 350-lb gorilla and an old woman who smells like cabbage and wants to tell you about her daughter in Indiana who just got divorced and has three kids, all of whom look like little warthogs, and who she's going to visit for the first time since the divorce was finalized. The question that always follows is, "So, where are you traveling to?" Not G.D. Indiana to meet your fat pasty daughter and her three fat kids who honestly believe that Larry Bird was at one time President of these United States and that you actually can have a dressy pair of sweat pants and that your "nice sweats" are what you wear into town when you go to Wal-Mart. I hate flippin' Indiana. If Gary, IN is the a-hole of the country, then the rest of the state is like that area between your scrotum and your a-hole, which I guess would make Kentucky your balls (unless you're a woman, and then KY would be the hoo-ha).

"Humpty Dumpty was a big fat egg, he was playing the wall and then he broke his leg..."

In 1429 Joan of Arc arrived at Orleans to rally the French. In 1864 a bunch of engineering students founded Theta Xi fraternity at Rensselar Polytechnic Institute in NY. In 1945 Adolf Hitler married Eva Braun in a bunker. Very romantic. In 1967 Muhammad Ali was stripped of his boxing title for refusing to enter the US Army for religious reasons. In case you were wondering, Ali converted to the Nation of Islam after hanging out with Malcolm X (not to be confused with Malcolm in the Middle). The following year, the hippie musical "Hair" debuted on Broadway. In 1991 a cylone hit Bangladesh and killed over 138,000 people. One year later people in Los Angeles rioted after the cops who beat Rodney King were acquitted. 53 people were killed over a three-day period. And in 2004 the last Oldsmobile rolled off the assembly line, marking another sad day for the American auto industry and the state of Michigan.

Today is International Dance Day. This is awesome. I think everyday should be dance day. Not that I feel much like dancing today, but there are days when I feel like shakin' my money maker. If anyone wants to go dancing, please let me know, I'm down like James Brown.

"Disco bag schlepping and you're doing the bump, Shake your rump"

In Japan today- Showa Day- is the beginning of the Golden Week which is like a national week of reflection on the evils of the period under Hirohito.

Happy Birthday: Taliesin, the Welsh poet; Duke Ellington; Jerry Seinfeld, who I cannot stand; and Uma Thurman.

Enjoy your day. I can promise you that if I were available, which I'm not, I would never date Condoleeza Rice..."is nice, but I prefer A-Roni, or that man on the tv who speaks to the dead, you know that man's a phony. Everybody move to Canada, smoke lots of pot, everybody move to Canada right now."

Beware of Flying Marshmallows

Good day. Ok, I know it's Monday (Soom-waar, Doshanbeh, yawm-al-ithnayn, Kamal, Pungenday), and that's usually not good at all. And honestly, down here at the Cheese Factory, it's usually horrible. I hope that everyone had a good weekend. On Friday night, I was lucky enough to get to see "The Big Lebowski" on the big screen and introduce someone special to the awesomeness of the movie. Yesterday, I may have instigated a marshamallow fight with 7 12-year-olds. It was awesome. I would love to get another crack at a couple of those little sugar freaks.

In 1192 Conrad of Montferrat, King of Jerusalem, was assassinated by the Hashshashin. These guys were the "holy killers" of Islam, founded by Hassan-i-Sabbah in the 11th century to destroy the leaders of Sunni Islam. The Hashshashin were Shia Muslims and are rumored to have smoked tree. In 1788 Maryland became the 7th state. Founded as a Catholic colony, The Old Line State was named after Henrietta Maria, wife of King Charles I. Maryland is the weathiest state and its state flower is the Black Eyed Susan, its reptile is the diamond back terrapin, which is why the University of Maryland's mascot is the Terrapins, which is a turtle. Maryland is also home to the greatest rock n roll band ever- Clutch. In 1930 the first night baseball game was played in Independence, KS, not to be confused with Independence, MO which is the meth capital of the US. In 1945 Benito Mussolini and his mistress were executed by firing squad. I always thought they were hung. And in 1996 a dude in Tasmania went on a shooting spree and killed 35 people. Once again we're reminded that Australians are nearly as crazy as Americans.

In ancient Rome today was the Floralia in honor of the goddess of vegetation, Flora. It was day of dancing, drinking, and flowers and was popular with prostitutes. And I say the more you drink, the more you dance, and the better prostitutes look.

For our Baha'i friends today is the Festival of Jamal (beauty). In Canada it's the National Day of Mourning for workers who have died on the job. It is also International Workers' Memorial Day in socialist countries.

In the Caribbean nation of Barbados- which means "bearded" and refers to the trees and not the women apparently- it is National Heroes' Day. The capital is Bridgetown and there are about 280,000 people who live there. Tourism is the primary industry. They have beaches in Barbados and right now, laying on a beach drinking a pina colada sounds really good.

Happy Birthday: King Edward IV; Saddam Hussein- you dead bastard; Jay Leno; Too Short; Daisy Berkowitz, from Marilyn Manson; Penelope Cruz; and Jessica Alba.

Have a good one. And, yes, marshmallows do leave marks on your clothes.

Correction #1

It has been pointed out by someone (Allie Meiers) who knows more about pop culture than I that Connor Cruise is not the product of the intermixing of TomKat fluids, but the adopted child of the Cruise-Kidman fiasco that they claimed was a marriage, although I still think it was to cover up the fact that they are both homosexuals- no offense to homosexuals. But seriously a woman that tall would never marry a man that short in real life. The child that is the biological product of TomKat is named after a wagon and/or a city in England. I would apologize for being wrong, but I'm not sorry. Does Hallmark make cards for adoptive-step-mothers? And, if so, do they get said cards on Mothers' Day? Apparently Connor is obviously not the natural born child of any combination of the three people involved in this triangle for obvious reasons. If you don't know what that reason is, neither did I, obviously, but now I do, and it's wonderful that celebrities are collecting children of different colors so that their offspring will establish a rainbow monopoly in some future Hollywood box office. I am pop-culturally ignorant, but I am ashamed of this fact, and some might even find it endearing...

The Buck Stops Here

Thank you Connor Cruise, you genetically perfect product of TomKat, harbinger of Scientology's message to the next generation, future obsession of the media, and bound to be in rehab by the time he's 16, for allowing us to once again make it to Friday (Chukar-waar, Jom'eh, yawm-al-jum'a, Istiqlal, Setting Orange).

Today's picture was a tough decision. The choice was between an bunch of old women in red hats, since it's Red Hat Society Day; and Joe Buck, whose birthday it is today. My grandma is in the Red Hat Society which from what I understand is a secret society of old women who are intent on taking over the world by getting together and having dinner and hearing guest speakers talk about things such as the history of the thumb tack. Joe Buck, on the other hand, is one of my least favorite people on television. I hate him. He's everywhere. The guy has the biggest man crush on Troy Aikman in the history of man crushes. I sincerely believe that Joe Buck wants nothing more than to grab Troy Aikman right there in the announcer's booth and kiss him and pronounce his man-love for him in front of the Fox Sunday NFL broadcast world. I mean seriously I have never seen an announcer verbally suck another announcer's junk as bad as Joe Buck does to Troy Aikman. I hate you, Joe Buck.

In 1792 Nicholas J. Pelletier became the first person to be executed by guillotine. In 1846 a dispute over the Texas border led to the Mexican-American War. Today's border is a porrous imaginary line over which the invaders are rushing in like so many vermin. The following year the last survivors of the Donner Party made it to safety. Although it ended up not being much of a party, they did report that there were some tasty treats provided by the hosts. Tastes of chicken. In 1898 the US declared war on Spain. I'd like to compile a list of all the countries we have been at war with. I bet it'd be long. In 1901 New York became the fist state to require license plates on cars. In 1916 the first ANZAC Day was celebrated in Australian and New Zealand commemorating troops lost in WWI. In 1944 the United Negro College Fund was established. In 1953 Crick and Watson published a paper describing the double helix structure of DNA. In 1959 the St. Lawrence Seaway connecting the Great Lakes and the Atlantic ocean opened to shipping. In 1990 the Hubble Telescope was deployed allowing astronomers to look way out into space when pointed that way. When they turn it around they can see a dimple on a frog's ass, if they so desire. And three years ago 107 people died in a train wreck in Japan.

In the Faroe Islands today is Flag Day. In Portugal it's Freedom Day. It is also World Malaria Day. So, happy Malaria Day. I hope you don't catch malaria and if you do I hope that you are quarantined in a really nice facility and that I don't see you for awhile.

In ancient Rome today was the Robigalia in honor of the fertility god Robigus, who was also god of wheat. His name means "mildew". He is also god of robes. His sister, Robigo was also a fertility goddess and goddess of corn. To celebrate the Romans sacrificed red dogs and poured red wine all over the place. I don't know what constitutes a red dog. The only one I can think of is an Irish Setter.

Alright lots of birthdays: Otho, Roman Emperor; King Louis IX; King Conrad IV; King Edward II; Oliver Cromwell; Ella Fitzgerald; Al Pacino; Hank Azaria; Rene Zellweger; and really funny guy, Jason Lee- please, if you haven't, watch "Mallrats."

Have a good day and a great weekend!!

Skills to Pay the Bills

Thursday, April 24, 2008- Panjshanbeh, Ordibehesht 5, 1387- Yawm-al-Khamis, Rabi-ath-Thani 17, 1429- Prickle-Prickle, Discord 41, 3174. (And today is also Veer-waar and Istijlal).

Here's the thing, I like to think of myself as a pretty cool guy. I know how to get down and boogie. I got mad skills (except at basketball according to Jackson Meiers). I know how to dress myself and appreciate good music. I am moderately intelligent, have a good sense of humor and have been told that I am not unattractive. That being said I have some vices. I smoke cigarettes despite the fact that people have been telling me that I need to quit (for what is now a long time). I drink too much beer. I don't exercise enough (or really at all) and I don't eat right. And then I find myself interested in things which may not really be considered popular with the kids these days. I have somewhat of a weird obsession with flags and coats of arms and I write this damn blog every day- which is kind of bordering on the un-cool (although the blog itself is pretty flippin cool). Basically, what I'm getting at is, that today is almost Friday and I'm feeling pretty uncool.

So, in 1184 BCE, the Greeks pulled the biggest practical joke of all time when they hid in the Trojan Horse and snuck into Troy and won the war. Man that was clever. In 1558 Mary Queen of the Scots married the Dauphin of France (the dauphin is the heir to the throne), Francois. In 1704 the first regular newpaper in the US was published and titled the "Boston New-Letter". In 1800 the US Library of Congress was established by President John Adams. In 1863 53 Native Americans were massacred near Keyesville, CA. In 1915 the Armenian Genocide began when affluent Armenians were round up and killed by the Turks in Consantinople (which is now Istanbul). The Turks completely deny that this ever happened which is why they still haven't gotten into the EU yet. In 1953 the Southwest Bank in St. Louis was robbed. This bank robbery was depicted in the movie, "The Great St. Louis Bank Robbery." Clever title. In 1993 an IRA bomb hit the Bishopsgate are of London doing a lot of damage. In 2004 the US lifted economic sanctions on Libya. And three years ago Joseph Ratzinger became the 265th Pontifex Maximus and adopted the name Benedict XVI.

In The Gambia today is Republic Day. The Gambia is the smallest country in Africa and its capital is Banjul. It is home to 1.7 million people who are predominately employed in the industries of peanut farming, soap making, soda pop manufacturing, or the textile industry. Over 90% of Gambians are Muslims.

Happy Birthday: William of Orange, the great Dutch Protestant leader; Anthony Trollope; Shirley MacLaine (weirdo); the Antichrist, Barbara Streisand; designer Jean-Paul Gaultier; Cedric the Entertainer; and Kelly Clarkson.

Enjoy your day... and if you brought you child to work today, please keep the little monster close by and out of my hair. Thank you.

I'm The Mutha Flippin'

"Good god almighty, we were pannin' for gold, out on the banks of mighty Colorado..."

Yes, you are correct, it's (Wednesday, Bhud-waar, Chaharshanbeh, yawm-al-arb'a, Idal, Pungenday). That being said, it appears Hillary Clinton has defeated Barrack in Pennsylvania. I have completely lost interest in who the Democratic candidate for President is. Neither one of them is going to win. In a completely unrelated topic, the animal kingdom has once again made it clear that they are tired of humans mucking up the planet. A grizzly bear killed its trainer in S. California and a woman found an 8-foot alligator in her kitchen in Florida. This is troubling, sort of, but I'm guessing the alligator was attracted to the smell of cabbage being transmitted from the old woman's house. Alligators love to eat water buffalo, pigs, small children, and old people that smell like cabbage. I've made a vow to stay away from animals that are capable of killing me. I have also made a vow to accept that happiness is truly possible and not a myth.

In 1229 one of our many heroes, Ferdinand III of Castile, conquered Caceres from the Moors. In 1348 the Order of the Garter was founded by King Edward III. Although it sounds really girly, the Order is an honorable chivalric order and is bestowed upon the highest echelon of knights and ladies. In 1597 William Shakespeare's "Ther Merry Wives of Windsor" was performed for the first time in the audience of Queen Elizabeth I. I have never read this play nor do I know anything about it but apparently the leading character is a fat knight. I guess that he would have to buy his armor at a big and tall store. In 1940 a fire at the Rhythm Night Club in Natchez, MS killed 198 people. And in 1997 another massacre in Algeria took place when 42 people were killed in Omaria. (Note to self: stay away from Algeria.)

So, today is International Day of the Book. So, read one. In Turkey, it is both National Sovereignty Day and Children's Day. And in the US and Canada, today is Administrative Assistants' Day. So, everyone should be kind and polite to all Admin Assts and buy them cards, flowers, candy, and if you are their superior you should pay them compliments that cannot be construed as sexual harrassment.

Today is also St. George's Day in honor of the Roman martyr who was beheaded in 303. St. George had a large cult following during the Crusades, his cross, the red cross on a white field, became the badge of many Crusaders. It is also the national flag of England, and in that country today is a national holiday. St. George is also popular in Russia, Aragon, Georgia (the country), Serbia, and Portugal (among other places).

Happy Birthday: King Afonso of Portugal; William Shakespeare (maybe); William Penn; Kind Frederick I of Sweden; President James Buchanan; Shirley Temple; Roy Orbison; Lee Majors; Michael Moore (from Michigan); George Lopez; and Timothy McVeigh.

Enjoy your day after Earth Day. I hope you took a shower. I didn't.