Moeshoeshoe

"'Don't Worry, Be Happy' was a number one jam, damn if I say it, you can slap me right here..."

Ok, so it's not Monday any more. That's something positive. Another positive thing is the fact that it's going to be warm tomorrow. Needless to say, today is (Tuesday, Mangal-waar, Seshanbeh, yawm-ath-thalatha, Fidal, Setting Orange). One bad thing about not having cable is that you lose touch with what's going in the world. I know, you can use the internet for things other than looking at free porn, email, and writing this damn thing... but why? Most of what you get is celebrity gossip and b.s. Although, I did see that the governor of New York got busted for soliciting prostitutes. I liked that he said that he didn't live up to his "own standards of what is right and wrong." That's crap. Obviously on some level, he thinks getting a $15 blowjob in a hotel in Dayton, Ohio is acceptable. If he didn't, he wouldn't have done it. I am of the firm belief that prostitution should be legalized nationwide. At least then the federal government could tax it and regulate it and not waste our tax money prosecuting it. In the end, it's a victimless crime. I know, someone's going to say that the prostitutes are the victims, having been forced into that lifestyle by circumstance (drug addiction, abuse, etc.). I don't care about that mess. It's a business, it has been around since the dawn of time. Where there are married men and priests that have some extra money to blow, there are women who will blow them for their money. It is what it is. Legalize it, take the criminality out of it. Tax the shit out of it and regulate it like a tatoo parlor so that it's as safe as bodily fluids can be. Legality won't make socially acceptable for our leaders and parents to participate in, they just won't go to jail for it.

In 1702 the 1st daily English-language newspaper "The Daily Courant" was published in England. In 1779 the Army Corps of Engineers was established. In 1824 the Bureau of Indian Affairs was created in order to figure out a way to handle the Indian problem. In 1845 self-raising flour was invented. I have no idea what that means. In 1864 a flood killed over 250 people in Sheffield, England. In 1888 a blizzard hit the eastern US and killed over 400. In 1918 the first confirmed cases of the Spanish flu popped up in Ft. Riley, KS. Ft. Riley is so named because there is a fort there. Apparently there is still a military base there to this day. The most famous person to come from Riley County, KS is Clementine Paddleford who was a famous food writer in the mid-20th century. She is mentioned in such well-known books as "The United States of Arugua." In 1959 "A Raisin In The Sun" premiered on Broadway. In 1977 Islamic militants took over 130 hostages in Washington, D.C. The following year Al Fatah militants hijacked a bus in Israel and killed 34 civilians. In 1993 Janet Reno beame the first "female" attorney general. In 1997 Paul McCartney was knighted. And in 2004 Islamic militants bombed a train in Madrid killing 192. Instead of getting angry and all hostile, the Spanish quickly voted in an anti-American government which favored cowardism instead of an all-out holy war against the jihadists.

In the northern European nation of Lithuania today is Independence Day. The capital is Vilnius and the nation is home to 3.5 million people most of whom are Catholic. Lithuania has the highest suicide rate in the world.

In the southern African nation of Zambia, today is Youth Day. There are 11.7 million people who live in Zambia, whose capital is Lusaka. The life expectancy in Zambia is under 40 years and the AIDS epidemic is severe, in 2004 over 100,000 died of the disease.

Today is Johnny Appleseed Day in the USofA. Born John Chapman, Johnny Appleseed became famous for his missionary work and planting apple trees. He was an adherent to Swedenborigianism, which is a mystical form of Christitanity. Swedenborgians emphasize charity and that your actions in this world determine your fate in the next. They are extremely open to the idea that your belief system does not determine your place in the afterlife. Marriage is considered to be eternal and the epitome of the human existence (both in this life and in Heaven). Self-love and materialism are considered to be the root of all evil and are tickets straight to hell.

Happy Birthday: Lawrence Welk; Rupert Murdoch, antichrist; Bobby McFerin; the very talented, Nina Hartley; former Pantera drummer, Vinnie Paul; Jesse Jackson, Jr.; and Paul Wall.

Have a wonderful day.

A Schottenheimer Sighting

Once again back it's the incredible...

First of all, let me just start off by saying, "Welcome." Secondly, let me follow that up by saying that this whole moving the clock thing is for the birds. And birds are dirty, filthy animals that spread diseases and rain down missiles of poop from the sky. Some of them should be eaten. Most should not. It is my humble opinion that any bird that cannot fly is not really a bird, but the beginnings of a tasty meal, e.g., chickens and turkeys. I know that someone out there is going to bring up penguins, and I am of the firm belief that penguins are actually some strange alien lifeform that arrived at the same time the Salvation Army arrived in the USA and began covert bell-ringing operations (which happened on today's date in 1880). I dare you to show me any proof that penguins existed on the earth before 1880.

Ok, with that out of the way, it's Monday (Soom-waar, Doshanbeh, yawm-al-ithnayn, Kamal, Prickle-Prickle) and it's a bit nipply outside. I was fortunate enough to eat an incredibly good, albeit overpriced, meal at Morton's Steakhouse on Saturday night. A good steak is hard to beat, but a steak which costs that much money is hard to swallow. (Actually that is not true, it's just as easy to swallow an expensive steak as it is a cheap one and they usually taste better.) As the meal was ending and the stories of how your parents discovered your porn stash were winding down, I was made aware that sitting at the table next to us was none other than Marty Schottenheimer. If I could have the night over, I would love to ask Marty whether or not his parents ever found his porn stash.

Way back when before the calendar changed completely, in 241 BCE the Roman navy defeated the Carthiginian navy at the Battle of the Aegates Islands ending the First Punic War. In 1801 the first census was held in Great Britain. In 1831 the French Foreign Legion was established. In 1848 the Mexican-American War ended. As a reward we got what is now California, Arizona, and New Mexico, all of which are slowly being reconquered by Mexico. In 1876 Alexander Graham Bell made the first successful telephone call reportedly saying, "Mr. Watson, come here, I want to see you." I bet he added "naked" on the end of that sentence, but that's just a guess. In 1906 1099 miners died in Courrieres, France. In 1918 Warner Brothers released its first major film "My Four Years in Germany." In 1933 an earthquake in Long Beach, CA killed 120. In 1977 astronomers discovered some rings around Uranus. Damn astronmers always sticking their telescopes where they don't belong. And in 1987 the Holy See condemned the practice of surrogate motherhood, as well as test-tube babies, aritificial insemination, and intermittent windshield wipers.

Happy Birthday: Chuck Norris, a great American hero; Osama bin Laden, our most hated enemy; Sharon Stone; one of the greatest music producers in history, Rick Rubin; former Purdue Boilermaker and Pittsburgh Steeler, Rod Woodson; Timbaland; Robin Thicke; and Carrie Underwood (who was being discussed last night).

Enjoy the day, I'll leave you with this: "Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life."

Don't make 'em like they used to...

Brothers and Sisters, do you know what this world is coming to? (I think we're approaching tang.)

Ok, so, first of all, thank you o lord and savior, Tom Cruise, for allowing us to make it to another (Friday, Chukar-waar, Jom'eh, yawm-al-jum'a, Istiqlal, Sweetmorn). I see nothing but blue skies, blueberries, and a refrigerator in my immediate future. Being that it's the first Friday of the month, downtown KC celebrates First Friday with artsy type stuff going on. I will be in attendance because that's how I roll. And as I'm sure you heard, a bomb exploded in Times Square yesterday. It really wasn't much of a bomb and nowhere near as troubling as those poor rabbinical students in Jerusalme who got shot trying to study the Torah. Then there were multiple suicide bombings yesterday in both Iraq and Pakistan. We live in a volatile world.

In 161 Marcus Aurelius and Lucius Verus became co-Emperors of the Roman Empire, a first. In 321 Roman Emperor Constantine I declared that dies Solis Invicti (Sunday) to be a day of rest. Wait a minute, I thought that Jesus did that. In 1277 the Bishop of Paris condemned 219 philosophical and theological theses circulating at the University of Paris. Damn liberal academics. In 1850 Senator Daniel Webster gave the 7th of March Speech endorsing the Compromise of 1850 which was an attempt to avert a civil war over the slavery issue. In 1876 Alexander Graham Bell was granted a patent for the telephone. In 1965 Alabama state police and local police from Selma, AL forcefully dispersed a crowd of 600 civil rights protesters, an event which was televised and dubbed Bloody Sunday. This was not the event which U2 sang about in their song "Sunday, Bloody Sunday." In 1969 Golda Meir became the first female Prime Minister of Israel. Oy vey. Twenty years later China declared martial law in Tibet out of fear that peace loving Buddhist monks would meditate them to death. And two years ago Apple, Inc. was granted a patent for the iPod. I was fortunate enough to find an iPod a couple of months ago. I have still not used it because I am slow to make the move towards any new technology. By the time I learn how to use the damn iPod, the next big thing will have come out, and I will once again be made fun of by my homies and peeps.

In the SE European nation of Albania (which means land of goat lovers), it is Teachers' Day. The capital is Tirana and there are 3.6 million citizens all of whom love goats.

On the island of Bali, today is Nyepi, or the Day of Silence. This is a Hindu festival celebrating self-reflection. People are urged to be quiet, fast, and meditate. No one works and even the airport is closed. So good luck getting there today.

Happy Birthday: Robert Roy McGregor (aka Rob Roy); Ephraim Williams, for whom Williams College is named after- and no relation to me; William Rockhill Nelson, founder of the KC Star and the Nelson-Atkins Art Museum; Tammy Faye Bakker (we miss your tattooed eyebrows); Steeler greats, Franco Harris and Lynn Swann; and super hottie Laura Prepon.

Enjoy your Friday and have a good weekend. And we here at The Almighty COD would like to remind you that "We don't hate vegetarians, we just think they're funny."

Down with Omar

What up? I don' t know about you, but in KC it's Thursday (Veer-waar, yawm-al-khamis, Istijlal, Setting Orange). Once again it's cold outside and once again the Cheese Factory's computers are running slow. Please do not mistake the Cheese Factory for a well-oiled machine. Cheese when melty, tends to clog up the gears. It also can clog other things, especially when one is lactose intolerant. That's disgusting!

Alright, so, today's date in Iran and Afghanistan is Panjshanbeh, Esfand 16, 1386. This is important because the man who created the Persian calendar, Omar Khayyam, finished it on this date in 1079 (our calendar not his). Not only was Omar a calendar creator, he was also a poet and a mathematician. I generally don't think of math dorks being poets, but as I was discussing with this goofy friend of mine the other day, there is some link between math and music, and so I guess it's not a total shocker. And example of Omar's work: "And that inverted Bowl we call The Sky, Whereunder crawling coop't we live and die, Lift not thy hands to It for help- for It, Rolls impotently on as Thou or I."

In 1820 the worst state in the Union according to one very opinionated woman, Missouri, was admitted as a slave state when President James Monroe signed the Missouri Compromise into law. In 1836 the Alamo fell to Mexican troops after a 13-day siege. My grandmother is going to San Antonio next week and I'm hoping she'll bring me back a souvenir from the Alamo. I myself am opposed to the idea of Texas. Steers and queers, baby. (N.b., I have nothing against either steers or queers- I just don't like Texans.) In 1853 Verdi's opera La Traviata premiered in Venice. In 1899 Bayer registered a trademark for aspirin. In 1951 the Rosenberg trial began. In 1983 USFL began its first season of competition. I was ten when the USFL started and I was so excited that there was going to be football on in the Spring that I nearly wet myself. Despite what any of you might think, football is the greatest sport in the history of athletics, and anyone who disagrees with me is just plain wrong. And in 1987 the British ferry MS Herald of Free Enterprise (which is a silly name for a ferry from a socialist country) capsized killing 193.

In the West African nation of Ghana today is Independence Day. In the Ashanti language Ghana means "warrior king". Its capital is Accra and the nation has about 23 million inhabitants. Ghana's economy depends mainly on the export of gold, cocoa, timber, diamonds, and other stuff, although 85% of the population is employed in agriculture. 63% of Ghanans are Christians

Happy Birthday: Michelangelo; Cyrano de Bergerac; Lou Costello; Ed McMahon; Alan Greenspan; the most famous crackhead ever, Marion Barry, Jr.; David Gilmour, of Pink Floyd; Tom Arnold; D.L. Hughley; and Shaq.

Learn Mandarin Now

Once again we find ourself in the center of another week. Being that its (Wednesday, Bhud-waar, Chaharshanbeh, yawm-al-arba'a, Idal, Prickle-Prickle), I am finding it necessary to once again point out that a more stringent form of drivers' education should be required for all Missouri residents. I would also like to propose legislation that makes it legal to shoot missiles at anyone who attempts to merge onto the highway going 25mph. And, I would like someone to inform all individuals who drive full-size trucks that are NOT driving semis and do not need to make exagerrated, slow turns, nor do they have to drive 5mph for the first 1/2 mile after proceeding through an intersection. If you think the roads are dangerous now, wait until I get a tank.

Ok, now that I've gotten that out of the way, please be aware that Hillary is back in the race. I am not one for severe political upheaval, but if either Hillary or Barack are elected, I would be in favor of a military coup.

In 1770 a snowball fight in Boston turned violent when British troops opened fire on American civilians, killing five. This reminds me of a snowball fight at Michigan State my freshman year in college which turned into a riot. The National Guard was disbursed to stop it. If you don't believe me, ask CNN, they had their cameras there filming the whole thing. In 1836 Samuel Colt made the first production-model revolver. In 1842 Mexican troops invaded Texas. The Mexicans are still invading, they're just being less obvious about it. In 1850 the Britania Bridge across the Menai Straits opened linking the Isle of Anglesey to North Wales. I have been across this bridge many times, and can attest to the fact that it is indeed a bridge and is a very nice bridge at that. In 1868 the opera Mefistofele opened at La Scala. In 1933 the Nazis won 44% of the vote in parliamentary elections in Germany. In 1940 the Soviets ordered the execution of 25,700 Poles. Death, death, death, lunch, death, death, death, afternoon tea... In 1946 Winston Churchill coined the phrase "Iron Curtain" to describe the Soviet division of Eastern Europe. Little did he know that the same phrase would be used to describe the defense of the 1970's Pittsburgh Steelers, which is far more meaningful and important. In 1966 a BOAC flight crashed in Japan killing 124. And in 2001 35 pilgrims were crused to death in a stampede in Mecca during the Hajj. What's up with the stampedes during the Hajj? They're like god damned sheep- in burkas.

Today is Learn from Lei Feng Day in China. Lei Feng was a soldier who at the ripe old age of 22 was crushed by a telephone pole that was struck by a truck. Somehow the Chinese government turned this into a morality story and celebrated his life as the epitome of what it means to be a good Chinese citizen and that all Chinese should be like Lei Feng: cheerfully selfless and noble in thought. I don't understand how a random death such as having a telephone pole fall on you and kill you is indicative of anything but bad luck, but Mandarin also has no verb conjugation, making it hard to talk about anything that is not in the present tense. Chinese food tastes good though and the industrious Chinese provide us with entire Wal-Marts full of cheap crap while completely ignoring any human rights standards to which the rest of the civilized world ascribes.

Happy birthday: King Henry II of England (dead); King David II of Scotland (dead); and Tang Gonghong, the famous Chinese weightlifter who was the basis for the charcter Long Duck Dong in Sixteen Candles.

Have a splendid day and inform your superiors that: "The most useful tool for dealing with management types is, of course, an automatic weapon."

Princeps Iuventutis

Pungenday, Chaos 63, 3174. Seshanbeh, Esfand 14, 1386. Yawm-ath-thalatha, Safar 25, 1429.

In any case it's Tuesday (Mangal-waar, Fidal) and I feel like chicken. I don't know what chicken feels like, but I do know what it tastes like. It tastes of babies. Just to clear the air, I have been to South Dakota. I have driven from one side of the state to the other and gotten a speeding ticket coming out of the mountains. I have gotten off the freeway and driven 20 miles in the search for gas only to find a deserted town. I have been witness to a doctor and a vet sharing the same trailer. I have seen the best that godforesaken state has to offer, and I would like to push myself away from the table and say, "no more jell-o for me, mom." I don't ask for much in life, but an occasional tree would be nice. As for the great state of Michigan, I will let it speak for itself, what other state is blessed with its beauty AND shaped like a mitten?

In 51 Nero was given the title "princeps iuventutis" or "prince of the youth". In 1152 Frederick Barbarossa was elected King of the Germans. In 1215 King John of England pledged an oath to Pope Innocent III to go on the next crusade. In 1238 at the Battle of Sit River the Mongol Hordes clashed with Russian troops. In 1493 Christopher Columbus returned to Portugal from America. In 1570 King Philip II of Spain banned Dutch students. I can't blame him, Dutch students are so pompous, capable of speaking multiple languages fluently, blonde haired, blue-eyed, like little Nazi youth. The Dutch have also been bred to have fat little fingers for dyke maintenance (that almost sounds perverse). In 1629 Massachusetts Bay Colony was granted a royal charter. Five years later Samuel Cole opened the first tavern in Boston. In 1681 William Penn was granted a royal charter for Pennsylvania. In 1778 the US entered into two treaties with France which were the first treaties for the fledgling US government. I hate the French. In NYC the US Congress met for the first time and decided to waste taxpayer money ad finitum. Vermont was admitted as a state in 1791. Three years later the 11th Amendment was ratified. Like most sequels, it just doesn't compare to the first ten. In 1837 Chicago was incorporated as a city. In 1861 the first national flag of the Confederate States of America was adopted. In 1902 AAA was established. In 1908 in Cleveland, OH a fire at the Collinwood School killed 174 people. In 1917 Jeanette Rankin of Montana became the 1st female member of th US House of Representatives. In 1933 Frances Perkins became the first female Cabinet member when she became Secretary of Labor. I could make all sorts of jokes about that one, but I won't. In 1977 an earthquake in Bucharest killed over 1500. And in 1997 President Bill Clinton signed a ban on human cloning research, he did, however, leave a clause in the language that permitted the cloning of semi-attractive female interns with kind faces.

A lot of people were born today, but I've never heard of 98% of them. The composer Vivaldi's birthday is today as is Jason Newsted's, former bassist for Metallica, and raised in Gull Lake, Michigan!!! Take that beatches.

Have a whompadilly of a day! And remember, "He who hates vices hates mankind."

Hinamatsuri

By the smell in the air, I can tell that it's (Monday, Soom-waar, Doshanbeh, yawm-al-ithnayn, Kamal, Boomtime). Not only have we begun a new week, but a new month as well. Ah, yes, it's March. It is the month dedicated to the god Mars and by Latins (the real Latins, not the neo-Latinos) was called Martius. March is Women's History Month and American Red Cross Month. I don't know why women need their own history month, it's not like they're oppressed or anything, not to mention the fact that they'll probably spend more time arguing amongst each other whether Oprah or Hillary should be running for office and who's ass looks bigger in that pants suit. As for the Red Cross, I leave that to Elizabeth Dole (who's husband is from Kansas and probably made more money advertising for Viagra than he did as a Senator). What was I talking about?

In 1791 the US Mint was created. Not a very popular mint, turns out, peppermint remains an odds-on favorite. In 1817 Alabama Territory was created. In 1820 the US Congress passed the Missouri Compromise which sought to regulate slavery in the Western Territories. In 1845 Florida was admitted as a state and a resting ground for silver surfers. Florida is one of two US States that has an official lubricant. In 1849 the US Department of the Interior was founded. Unlike most cabinet heads who are called secretaries, the head of this department is called lead decorator. In 1863 Idaho Territory was established as a place to grow potatoes. In 1873 the Comstock Law was passed making it illegal to send "obscene, lewd, and lascivious" material through the mail. Seeing as how the internet was not around, that would mean you'd have to actually go to a store to buy porn. They had is so rough back in the day. In 1875 the first indoor hockey game was played in Montreal. In 1923 TIME magazine was published for the first time. In 1931 the Star Spangled Banner was officially made the national anthem. Two years later Mt. Rushmore was dedicated. If you have never been, you should go. But if you have no desire to see it, you shouldn't waste your time driving through South Dakota because there's NOTHING there! In 1938 oil was discovered in Saudi Arabia. 70 years later, the Saudis are the wealthiest mofos in the world. In 1974 a Turkish Airlines flight crashed in France killing 364. In 1991 Rodney King got his ass beat by the po-lice. And most importantly, in 2004 Belgian Interbrew merged with Brazilian AmBev to become the largest brewery in the world. Take that Anheiser-Busch.

Yes, today is Hinamatsuri in Japan, which is Girls' Day. They make shrines of dolls which are said to hold in evil spirits. Then the dolls come alive at night and kill naughty girls. If the girls survive the night, they are rewarded with Hello Kitty crap and twine.

In Bulgaria it is Liberation Day. In this SE European nation whose capital is Sofia, there are 7.6 million people most of whom are poor and Orhodox Christian. Despite the fact that Bulgaria was on the wrong side during WWII, they are now a part of NATO and the EU.

For Polish people it is Casimir Pulaski Day in honor of the Polish soldier who trained American troops in the Revolutionary War.

Happy Birthday: Alexander Graham Bell, who was, surprisingly, Scottish; Perry Ellis; Ira Glass; Tone Loc; and Jessica Biel.

Enjoy today and remember: "Money can't buy happiness, but poverty can't buy anything."