Great Expectations

Isn't it great that the work week has begun anew? Nope. Sucks, big time. I don't know anyone who likes (Mondays, Soom-waar, Doshanbeh, yawm-al-ithnayn, Kamal, Setting Orange). I sincerely wish that the a hole would open up and swallow the Scarritt Building whole. Preferrably either before I arrive or after I leave. Since that is not likely to happen, I guess the day must go on. I am ready for the stormy weather to desist. This is getting tiresome. It's done nothing but rain it seems like. And it's now boring me. Earthquakes continue to wreck havoc and continue striking China, Nevada, and Greece. Obviously all places that God despises. There was something else... ah, yes, Allie and I saw the scariest looking anorexic woman in the entire world doing some weird shuffle thing on Saturday. Then yesterday we saw what appeared to be a 90-year old woman at the grocery store dressed like a hoochie mama. The world is coming to an end.

In 69 Roman Emperor Nero committed suicide. Can you imagine if the President did such a thing? I think people would freak the "F" out. In 721 Odo of Acquitaine defeated the Moors at the Battle of Toulouse. In 1534 Jacques Cartier discovered the St. Lawrence River. In 1732 James Oglethorpe was granted a royal charter for the colony of Georgia. In 1790 the Philadelphia Spelling Book became the first book copyrighted in the US. In 1856 the Mormons left Iowa City, IA for Salt Lake City, UT. Residents of Iowa City were heard to collectively say, "Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out." In 1930 reporter Jake Linger was murdered over a gambling debt owed to Al Capone. In 1934 Donald Duck debuted. In 1953 a tornado hit Worchester, MA killing 94. And in 1978 the Mormon church opened the priesthood to "all" men, effective allowing black me to be saved. They were a little slow to get the memo on Civil Rights.

In ancient Rome today would have been the third day of the Vestalia in honor of the goddess Vesta, goddess of the hearth. To celebrate, women would sacrifice an unborn calf by ripping it out of a pregnant cow. This was the only time of the year that the sanctum sanctorum, or "holy of the holies" was opened.

I hope you have a good day. I'm going to try to find an firearm or possibly a grenade launcher.

It's my house, and if you don't like it...

The good lord has allowed us to make it to another Friday (Chukar-waar, Jom'eh, yawm-al-jum'a, Istiqlal, Boomtime). We survived the severe weather, thank god. I knew when the weather idiots said it was going to be horrible that it wasn't going to live up to their expectations. God hates weathermen, that's why they're always wrong. Now that the weekend is nearly here I'd like to just let you all know that I really need to find a better paying job. Yes, it's true, the Cheese Factory is not providing enough cheddar.

So...in 1683 the Ashmolean Museum opened at Oxford University, the first university museum in the world. In 1752 a fire destroyed 18,000 homes in Moscow. In 1833 Pres. Andrew Jackson became the first president to ride a train. Whether he was the first President to run a train is under debate. In 1882 a cyclone hit Bombay and killed over 100,000. In 1889 the Great Seattle Fire destroyed that city's entire downtown. In 1925 Chrysler Corp. was founded. The Revenue Act of 1932 established the first gas tax at one cent/gallon. The following year the first drive-in movie theater opened in Camden, NJ. In 1944 the Allies invaded Normandy, making today D-Day. Over 155,000 troops landed in Normandy today. Over 10,000 allied troops died and somewhere between 4,000-9,000 Germans died. In 1946 the BAA was formed which eventually became the NBA. In 1982 Israel invaded Lebanon. And two years later the Indian government attacked the Golden Temple, a Sikh temple, killing over 2000 civilians. In 1990 US District Judge Jose Gonzalez ruled that 2 Live Crew's "As Nasty As They Wanna Be" violated Florida's obscenity laws. And in 2005 the US Supreme Court voted 6-3 to ban medical marijuana. Assholes.

By the way, apparently Israel is now threatening to attack Iran... we will be at war with Iran within the next two years, I guarantee it.

It is Memorial Day in S. Korea, BBQ cat for everyone. And in Sweden it's National Day.

Happy Birthday: David Abercrombie, founder of that store all the kids like; Colin Quinn, who is not actually that funny; Steve Vai; Tom Araya, of Slayer; Sean Yseult, of White Zombie; Paul Giamatti; and porn star, Gianna Michaels.

Enjoy the weekend and please watch out for angry Israelis.

Hondo

What's up my people? I don't know how it can already be (Thursday, Veer-waar, Panjshanbeh, yawm-al-khamis, Istijlal, Sweetmorn). The week has been pure hell, but it's flying by. I can't seem to get a damn thing done, even though I've been working my butt off. Congratulations to the Detroit Red Wings for winning the Stanley Cup. Detroit needs something to feel good about, and in a city that loves its Hockey, this is what the proverbial doctor ordered. I've been getting a lot of flack for my anti-Obama rhetoric, but I don't care. He's not electable. It is what it is. And I don't understand why I am required to like the guy. Just because it's a historical achievement doesn't mean I have to agree with it. So, leave me alone. I'd be saying the same thing if Hillary had gotten the nod.

So, in 70 Titus and his Roman legions breeched the middle wall of Jerusalem. You see, if you look back through history, every major empire in the world has wanted to conquer the Jews, and in many cases get rid of them completely. I know that today no one understands why the Arabs hate the Jews, but the simple fact is that they're just one more in a long line of people who have felt the same way. In 1829 the HMS Pickle captured an armed slave ship off the coast of Cuba. The interesting thing here is that the Royal Navy has had 8 ships named Pickle. I hate pickles and I can't believe that the British monarchy would actually name a warship after the nastiest food item in the world. In 1837 Houston became incorporated into the Republic of Texas. I hate Houston too. In 1851 "Unlce Tom's Cabin" was published. I've never read it. In 1917 the military draft began for WWI. In 1956 Elvis Presley performed "Hound Dog" on The Miltion Berle Show. His pelvic girations freaked everyone out. My how time have changed. Shakira would probably have been burnt at the stake back then. In 1967 Israel simultaneously bombed Egypt, Jordan, and Syria beginning the Six Day War. No reason for Arabs to fear Israel. In 1968 Robert F. Kennedy was shot in LA by Palestinian Sirhan Sirhan. To honor him they named the stadium in Washington after him but then FedEx bought the rights to the stadium and now we've forgotten about him. In 1977 the Apple II computer was sold to the public for the first time. And in 1981 the CDC announced the first known cases of AIDS diagnosing 5 homosexual men in LA with a weird form of pneumonia.

Today is World Environment Day. So, please recycle and do other very white things.

It's Constitution Day in Denmark.

In Suriname, which is on the north coast of S. America, today is Indian Arrival Day. A large portion of the 487,000 people are of Indian (dot not feather) descent. The capital is Paramaribo and the economy relies on Bauxite exports. Suriname is the smallest country in S. America and you never hear anything about it.

In the Seychelles, a nation comprising 155 islands in the Indian Ocean off the coast of Africa, it is Liberation Day. The capital is Victoria and there are 81,000 residents most of whom are Catholic. The economy relies on the two big "T's" tourism and tuna.

Happy Birthday: Socrates; Pancho Villa; the Welsh author, Ken Follett; Kenny G., who will put you in a coma if you listen for too long; and leader of the Funky Bunch Marky Mark.

I'm losing my mind quickly. If you find it, please drop it in any USPS mail box. Thank you.

A Rare Late Night Post

And some say, he was like a tornado.
And some say, she was a driving rain.
And they say, ruin and destruction,
Would follow them to their grave.

And some say, that those two storms collided.
And some say, nothing would e'er be the same.
And they say, that unhappiness followed,
Death was all that was left in their wake.

And some say, those fronts they did crash and burn.
And some say, nothing was left of their names.

But they say, when clouds opened in the morn,

They found broken all their shackels and chains.

Tui Tonga

Welcome to Hump Day. Aka, (Wednesday, Bhud-waar, Chaharshanbeh, yawm-al-arba'a, Idal, Setting Orange). It's way too busy here at the ol' Cheese Factory. I'm about to lose my mind, what's left of it anyways. It stormed like crazy here last night. The lightning was pretty amazing and apparently God is angry that gas prices aren't higher and decided to shoot lightning bolts at a fuel storage tank just north of downtown KC setting it on fire and wasting all of that precious petrol. God hates us too. If you don't believe me, look who's won the Democratic nomination. Democrats are so stupid. If you want immediate change in a highly divided nation, pick the candidate most likely to alienate a large number of voters. Regardless of how you feel about the fact that a large number of people won't vote for Obama because he's black, it's the way it is. I know, you're sitting there saying, "Well that's just stupid." Maybe it is. I think it's stupid that I can't run around naked in the middle of the day while eating ice cream cones. But, as Allie M., says, some things are the way they are, and just because you don't agree with it doesn't make it any different. (She is not talking about either one of these things when she says this, by the way.) But you get my point. Dumb, dumb, dumb Democrats.

In 781 BCE the first solar eclipse recorded in China took place. In 1039 Henry III (pictured) was annointed as Holy Roman Emperor. In 1584 Sir Walter Raleigh established the first English colony on Roanoke Island. In 1792 Capt. George Vancouver claimed Puget Sound for Great Britain. In 1812 Louisiana was admitted as a state and the rest of Louisiana Territory was renamed Missouri Territory. In 1859 the Battle of Magenta took place in which the French beat the Austrians. This was much more important than the Battles of Violet, Maroon, or Chartruse. In 1912 Massachusetts became the first state to enact a minimum wage law. In 1917 the first Pullitzer Prizes were awarded. In 1939 the SS St. Louis, carrying 963 Jewish refugees, was denied entry to American ports. It was forced to return to Europe where most of those aboard eventually died in concentration camps. This is the reason the US helped create the state of Israel. Guilt is a bitch. In 1942 the Battle of Midway began. One of my great uncles fought in this battle. And in 1973 the patent for the ATM was granted. This is one of those things we take for granted. I have no idea how people survived without being able to take money out of conveniently placed machines. You'd actually have to plan ahead and go to the bank during banking hours...

In Tonga today is National Day. Tonga is comprised of 169 islands, its capital is Nuku'alofa and there are about 112,000 people who live there. Its main exports are coconuts, vanilla, and bananas. 48% of Tongans are Mormons and they like to play rugby.

In Finland it's Finnish Defense Forces Day.

Happy Birthday: King George III; El Debarge; Horatio Sanz, of SNL fame; and whack-job Angelina Jolie, who is hot, but who is just a little strange....

Have a good one and join me as I pray for hump.

Good Vibrations

For some reason on this fine (Tuesday, Mangal-waar, Seshanbeh, yawm-ath-thalatha, Fidal, Prickle-Prickle) I've got Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch stuck in my head, although I can't seem to remember any of the actual lyrics and only bits and pieces of it. I am becoming aware that Summer is upon us as the temperatures and humidity are steadily climbing. Today it's supposed to be 90. FTS. I'd like it be a little cooler, myself. But we will carry on here at the Cheese Factory.

In 350 the Roman usurper Nepontianus conquered Rome with an army of gladiators. His rule only lasted 28 days, however. In 1140 Peter Abelard was found guilty of heresy. I couldn't really tell for what exactly. Abelard was a Frenchman and was big into philosophy. He also had a love affair with Heloise, the daughter of his boss. She had a baby which she named Astrolabe. That's a good way to get a kid beat up at school. Anyway, when Abelard's boss found out, ol' Abelard got himself castrated. That pretty much ended the affair and Heloise wound up in a convent. Their love letters are apparently pretty romantic. Today's picture is an artist's rendering of them studying Classical literature. In 1539 DeSoto claimed Florida for Spain. They can have that cesspool back for all I care. In 1800 John Adams became the first President to take residence in Washington, D.C. He shacked up in a tavern because the White House wasn't built yet. It's great that one of our great leaders lived in a bar. Fifty years later Kansas City was founded. And one thing you can say about KC is that there are plenty of bars. In 1885 the last military engagement on Canadian soil took place. In 1888 "Casey at the Bat" was published, the most famous baseball poem ever. In 1943 a bunch of Naval Reservists stationed in LA began attacking Hispanics in what became known as the Zoot Suit Riots. In 1962 an Air France flight crashed killing 130. The following year a Northwest Airlines flight crashed and killed 101. And in 1968 Valerie Solanos attempted to "assassinate" Andy Warhol. Problem: I don't think artists are assassinated. The term should be reserved for people of political/military significance, everyone else is just murdered.

In ancient Rome today was the feast of Bellona, goddess of war, sister/wife/daughter of Mars. They usually celebrated this by killing something or someone.

And today is also Confederate Memorial Day in Kentucky, Tennessee, and Louisiana.

Happy Birthday: Jefferson Davis; Tony Curtis; Allen Ginsberg; and Marion Zimmer Bradley, author of "Mists of Avalon" which is an awesome book.

Have a spectacular day and please do not leave the toilet seat up.

O Natoma!

Welcome to another (Monday, Soom-waar, Doshanbeh, yawm-al-ithnayn, Kamal, Pungenday). I wish that I could say that I'm glad to be here. But, I really wish that I could be anywhere but in the office right now. I spent the weekend in Natoma, KS which is a thriving metropolis. I ate more meat than is perhaps recommended by the FDA. I also got a lot of sun and may have fried my brain. But, I enjoyed myself thoroughly and found Natoma to be a very relaxing break from the hustle and bustle of KC. And the drive out there was far more beautiful than I anticipated and beats Illinois, Indiana, and W. Ohio hands down.

In 455 the Vandals entered Rome and began a two-week long plundering excursion. Damn Vandals! In 1098 the Crusaders ended their siege of Antioch and captured the city. Good work, men. In 1615 the first missionaries arrived in what would become Quebec City from France. In 1692 Bridget Bishop was the first woman to go on trial in the Salem witch trials and was found guilty. In 1763 Ft. Michilimackinac in Mackinaw City, MI was captured by the Chippewa Indians. In 1835 PT Barnum's circus began its first tour of the US. In 1886 President Glover Cleveland became the first and only President to get married in the White House. In 1924 President Calvin Coolidge signed the Indian Citizenship Act making all Native Americans born in the US citizens. In 1953 the coronation of Queen Elizabeth II was the first to be televised. God, she's been Queen a long time. In 1979 Pope John Paul II became the first pontiff to visit a communist country when he went home to Poland. In 1990 a tornado outbreak hit Illinois, Indiana, Ohio, and Kentucky. 88 tornados were confirmed on that day. And in 1997 Timothy McVeigh was convicted but was not thrown in a river to see if he'd float. But that would've been cool if he had been.

In Italy today is Republic Day celebrating the restoration of the Republic after the defeat of the fascists following WWII. Ciao, bellissimo.

Today we find ourselves in June, named after the Roman goddess Juno, who is goddess of marriage and the household. Apparently it's a good month to get married and an even better month to file for divorce which is what I plan on doing this week.

Happy Birthday: Pope Leo XI; Martha Washington; Marquis de Sade; Pope Pius X; Dana Carvey; and B-Real, of Cypress Hill.

Have a good one.