Tui Tonga

Welcome to Hump Day. Aka, (Wednesday, Bhud-waar, Chaharshanbeh, yawm-al-arba'a, Idal, Setting Orange). It's way too busy here at the ol' Cheese Factory. I'm about to lose my mind, what's left of it anyways. It stormed like crazy here last night. The lightning was pretty amazing and apparently God is angry that gas prices aren't higher and decided to shoot lightning bolts at a fuel storage tank just north of downtown KC setting it on fire and wasting all of that precious petrol. God hates us too. If you don't believe me, look who's won the Democratic nomination. Democrats are so stupid. If you want immediate change in a highly divided nation, pick the candidate most likely to alienate a large number of voters. Regardless of how you feel about the fact that a large number of people won't vote for Obama because he's black, it's the way it is. I know, you're sitting there saying, "Well that's just stupid." Maybe it is. I think it's stupid that I can't run around naked in the middle of the day while eating ice cream cones. But, as Allie M., says, some things are the way they are, and just because you don't agree with it doesn't make it any different. (She is not talking about either one of these things when she says this, by the way.) But you get my point. Dumb, dumb, dumb Democrats.

In 781 BCE the first solar eclipse recorded in China took place. In 1039 Henry III (pictured) was annointed as Holy Roman Emperor. In 1584 Sir Walter Raleigh established the first English colony on Roanoke Island. In 1792 Capt. George Vancouver claimed Puget Sound for Great Britain. In 1812 Louisiana was admitted as a state and the rest of Louisiana Territory was renamed Missouri Territory. In 1859 the Battle of Magenta took place in which the French beat the Austrians. This was much more important than the Battles of Violet, Maroon, or Chartruse. In 1912 Massachusetts became the first state to enact a minimum wage law. In 1917 the first Pullitzer Prizes were awarded. In 1939 the SS St. Louis, carrying 963 Jewish refugees, was denied entry to American ports. It was forced to return to Europe where most of those aboard eventually died in concentration camps. This is the reason the US helped create the state of Israel. Guilt is a bitch. In 1942 the Battle of Midway began. One of my great uncles fought in this battle. And in 1973 the patent for the ATM was granted. This is one of those things we take for granted. I have no idea how people survived without being able to take money out of conveniently placed machines. You'd actually have to plan ahead and go to the bank during banking hours...

In Tonga today is National Day. Tonga is comprised of 169 islands, its capital is Nuku'alofa and there are about 112,000 people who live there. Its main exports are coconuts, vanilla, and bananas. 48% of Tongans are Mormons and they like to play rugby.

In Finland it's Finnish Defense Forces Day.

Happy Birthday: King George III; El Debarge; Horatio Sanz, of SNL fame; and whack-job Angelina Jolie, who is hot, but who is just a little strange....

Have a good one and join me as I pray for hump.

Good Vibrations

For some reason on this fine (Tuesday, Mangal-waar, Seshanbeh, yawm-ath-thalatha, Fidal, Prickle-Prickle) I've got Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch stuck in my head, although I can't seem to remember any of the actual lyrics and only bits and pieces of it. I am becoming aware that Summer is upon us as the temperatures and humidity are steadily climbing. Today it's supposed to be 90. FTS. I'd like it be a little cooler, myself. But we will carry on here at the Cheese Factory.

In 350 the Roman usurper Nepontianus conquered Rome with an army of gladiators. His rule only lasted 28 days, however. In 1140 Peter Abelard was found guilty of heresy. I couldn't really tell for what exactly. Abelard was a Frenchman and was big into philosophy. He also had a love affair with Heloise, the daughter of his boss. She had a baby which she named Astrolabe. That's a good way to get a kid beat up at school. Anyway, when Abelard's boss found out, ol' Abelard got himself castrated. That pretty much ended the affair and Heloise wound up in a convent. Their love letters are apparently pretty romantic. Today's picture is an artist's rendering of them studying Classical literature. In 1539 DeSoto claimed Florida for Spain. They can have that cesspool back for all I care. In 1800 John Adams became the first President to take residence in Washington, D.C. He shacked up in a tavern because the White House wasn't built yet. It's great that one of our great leaders lived in a bar. Fifty years later Kansas City was founded. And one thing you can say about KC is that there are plenty of bars. In 1885 the last military engagement on Canadian soil took place. In 1888 "Casey at the Bat" was published, the most famous baseball poem ever. In 1943 a bunch of Naval Reservists stationed in LA began attacking Hispanics in what became known as the Zoot Suit Riots. In 1962 an Air France flight crashed killing 130. The following year a Northwest Airlines flight crashed and killed 101. And in 1968 Valerie Solanos attempted to "assassinate" Andy Warhol. Problem: I don't think artists are assassinated. The term should be reserved for people of political/military significance, everyone else is just murdered.

In ancient Rome today was the feast of Bellona, goddess of war, sister/wife/daughter of Mars. They usually celebrated this by killing something or someone.

And today is also Confederate Memorial Day in Kentucky, Tennessee, and Louisiana.

Happy Birthday: Jefferson Davis; Tony Curtis; Allen Ginsberg; and Marion Zimmer Bradley, author of "Mists of Avalon" which is an awesome book.

Have a spectacular day and please do not leave the toilet seat up.

O Natoma!

Welcome to another (Monday, Soom-waar, Doshanbeh, yawm-al-ithnayn, Kamal, Pungenday). I wish that I could say that I'm glad to be here. But, I really wish that I could be anywhere but in the office right now. I spent the weekend in Natoma, KS which is a thriving metropolis. I ate more meat than is perhaps recommended by the FDA. I also got a lot of sun and may have fried my brain. But, I enjoyed myself thoroughly and found Natoma to be a very relaxing break from the hustle and bustle of KC. And the drive out there was far more beautiful than I anticipated and beats Illinois, Indiana, and W. Ohio hands down.

In 455 the Vandals entered Rome and began a two-week long plundering excursion. Damn Vandals! In 1098 the Crusaders ended their siege of Antioch and captured the city. Good work, men. In 1615 the first missionaries arrived in what would become Quebec City from France. In 1692 Bridget Bishop was the first woman to go on trial in the Salem witch trials and was found guilty. In 1763 Ft. Michilimackinac in Mackinaw City, MI was captured by the Chippewa Indians. In 1835 PT Barnum's circus began its first tour of the US. In 1886 President Glover Cleveland became the first and only President to get married in the White House. In 1924 President Calvin Coolidge signed the Indian Citizenship Act making all Native Americans born in the US citizens. In 1953 the coronation of Queen Elizabeth II was the first to be televised. God, she's been Queen a long time. In 1979 Pope John Paul II became the first pontiff to visit a communist country when he went home to Poland. In 1990 a tornado outbreak hit Illinois, Indiana, Ohio, and Kentucky. 88 tornados were confirmed on that day. And in 1997 Timothy McVeigh was convicted but was not thrown in a river to see if he'd float. But that would've been cool if he had been.

In Italy today is Republic Day celebrating the restoration of the Republic after the defeat of the fascists following WWII. Ciao, bellissimo.

Today we find ourselves in June, named after the Roman goddess Juno, who is goddess of marriage and the household. Apparently it's a good month to get married and an even better month to file for divorce which is what I plan on doing this week.

Happy Birthday: Pope Leo XI; Martha Washington; Marquis de Sade; Pope Pius X; Dana Carvey; and B-Real, of Cypress Hill.

Have a good one.

The Bald and The Beautiful

Welcome to the last day of the week, aka, (Friday, Chukar-waar, Jom'eh, yawm-al-jum'a, Istiqlal, Setting Orange). Just so you know, I like being bald. It's liberating, it's easy, and older, ethnic women love it. This is not to say that I am looking for an older ethnic woman, but they seem to make strange comments to me at random moments that make me think they really like it. Another benefit is that I do not have to pay anyone to cut my hair which saves money. I am also aerodynamic. I also do not have to buy shampoo or conditioner, again saving money. On the downside, I go through razors much faster and razors are not cheap. Then there is the possibility of cutting my scalp, which I have on a couple of occasions, and man it hurts. Anyway, apparently there was a bomb threat at the airport in KC last night. Surprising because it's such a minor airport.

Today is a good day to be burned at the stake. In 1416 Jerome of Prague was burned for being a heretic. In 1431 Joan of Arc was burned for the same reason. Joan was accused of being a heretic because she refused to wear women's clothes. In effect, she was the first person killed for being a cross-dresser. She is the patron saint of the French, which says a lot about the French. In 1536 Henry VIII married Jane Seymour. Three years later Hernando de Soto landed on Florida and declared that it would one day be home to retirees and trailer parks. In 1806 Andrew Jackson killed Charles Dickinson, not to be confused with Charles Dickens, in a duel because Dickinson accused Jackson's wife of being a bigamist. First of all, that's like saying your wife is a slut. Second of all, someone who killed someone in a duel would probably not have a chance in hell of getting elected President as Jackson later did. My how times have changed. In 1854 the Kansas-Nebraska Act was signed creating the two territories. In 1879 an F4 tornado hit Irving, KS killing 18. In 1911 the first Indy 500 took place. In 1922 the Lincoln Memorial was dedicated. In 1982 Spain joined NATO. The Spanish, however, are complete sissies and by them joining NATO is really no better off. Whether or not you are in favor of the Iraq War, all it took was one terrorist attack, and the Spanish reneged on the committment to it. Way to stand up, there Spaniards. At one time the Spanish were one of the most powerful people in the world, today they are a bunch of skinny, whiny disillusioned babies. And in 1998 an earthquake in Afghanistan killed 5000. Once again, God has spoken.

Ok, well, it seems that it's Geologist's Day in Brazil and Indian Arrival Day in Trinidad and Tobago. No one actually cares either way.

Happy Birthday: Gale Sayers; Wynonna Judd; and guitarist Tom Morello.

Enjoy your weekend, I will be in Natoma, KS...doing what, I'm not quite sure yet.

School's Out

Thank the Lord it's (Thursday, Veer-waar, Panjshanbeh, yawm-al-khamis, Istijlal, Prickle-Prickle). For some lucky people, today is the last day of school. God, I would give anything to have the summer off and be able to just do whatever it is that I wanted. Unfortunately adults do not have this option available to them, unless of course you work in the education field. And, I do not. Maybe I should look into that. One thing I know right now is that there is not enough time in the day...any day.

In 363 the Roman Emperor Julian defeated the Sassanids. In 1176 the Lombard League defeated Holy Roman Emperor Frederick Barbarossa's army at the Battle of Legano. Those pesky Lombards were always messing up his attempts to conquer Italy. In 1453 the Byzantine Empire fell when the Ottoman Turks captured Constantinople. In 1790 Rhode Island became a state. Rhode Island was first spotted by the Italian Giovanni da Verrazzano and was originally called Roodt Eylandt by the Dutch. It was the first colony to actually practice freedom of religion upon the urging of people such as Roger Williams (no relation) and Anne Hutchinson. Rhode Island is the smallest state and is called the Ocean State. One thing I didn't know is that the official name of the state is Rhode Island and Providence Plantations. Weird. In 1848 Wisconsin became a state. The name is derived from the Ojibwe Miskwasiniing which the French turned to Ouisconsin. 42.6% of the Badger State's residents are of German ancestry. Wisconsin is actually quite beautiful and is known for its beer, brats, and cheese. And who can argue with that? In 1913 Stravinsky's ballet, "The Rite of Spring," premiered in Paris. The following year the RMS Empress of Ireland sunk killing 1024. In 1953 Sir Edmund Hillary and Sherpa Tenzing Norgay became the first to reach the summit of Mt. Everest. In 1972 three Japanese gunmen opened fire at Tel Aviv Airport killing 26. I have no idea why Japanese gunmen would do this. And in 1982 Pope John Paul II became the first pope to set foot in Canterbury Cathedral.

Today is Democracy Day in Nigeria. It is also Oak Apple Day, of Shick-Shack Day, in the UK, to celebrate the Restoration of the Monarchy. Whoo-ha!!

Happy Birthday: Patrick Henry, US patriot; Bob Hope; LaToya Jackson, famous for F$#K all; Melissa Etheridge, lesbian; and crybaby Noel Gallagher.

Enjoy the day thinking about the lost days of youth and how you spent your summer vacations.

Love it when you call me Big Papa

How in the hell can it already be Wednesday (Bhud-waar, Chaharshanbeh, Yawm-al-arba'a, Idal, Pungenday)? I don't care how, really. I'm just glad that it is, I think. According to MSN, there is some debate on whether the earthquake, and aftershocks, in China are due to karma. This is the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. It's not due to karma, it's due to the wrath of God. The Chinese hate God and have no verb conjugation. Therefore, they are being punished. There are also too many of them anyway, so call it population control by order of the Almighty. And if you think something like this is beneath the Omnipotent, I would refer you to any number of Old Testament stories or that whacko minister Fred Phelps from Topeka.

In 585 BCE a solar eclipse occurred as predicted by the philosopher Thales. In 1503 Pope Alexander VI ordered King James IV of Scotland to marry Mary Tudor of England which resulted in "A Treaty of Everlasting Peace"a between England and Scotland. This lasted all of ten years. So much for everlasting. In 1588 the Spanish Armada set sail for the English Channel to engage the English fleet. In 1830 President Andrew Jackson signed the Indian Removal Act ordering the relocation of Native Americans to places where white people would never want to live, like Oklahoma. In 1892 John Muir founded the Sierra Club in San Francisco so that middle class white people would have something their hippie kids to focus on in college other than beer bongs and trying to figure out where 4/20 came from. In 1952 the women of Greece were granted the right to vote. They were also granted right to wax their upper lips and backs but voting was generally considered to be less time consuming and interfered less with their nagging time. In 1961 Amnesty International was begun with a letter written by Peter Benenson. Amnesty International is yet another liberal organization created for the purpose of making white college kids feel like they are not totally wasting their parents' money. In 1964 the Palestinian Liberation Organization was formed to give Palestinian college kids yet another reason to learn how to build bombs out of household cleaning supplies. In 1977 the Beverly Hills Supper Club in Southgate, Kentucky caught fire and killed 165 old people. Firefighters reported that it smelt like burnt cabbage for days afterwards. And in 1995 an earthquake struck Neftegorsk, Russia killing 2000. Once again, this was due to the wrath of God, and not karma.

In Armenia today is National Day. Armenia was the first nation to officially adopt Christianity as its national religion. The capital is Yerevan and the country has about 3.3 million people. Armenians call their country Hayk, which is pronounced like the noise you make when you clear your throat. The economy of Armenia sucks. This is according to a reknowned economist. On the positive side, 93% of Armenians are Armenian Orthodox.

It is also National Day in Azerbaijan, the mortal enemy of Armenia. The capital of this place is Baku and there are 8.7 million people in this country which is very rich in oil and is 96% Muslim.

In the Philippines today is Flag Day.

Happy Birthday: Ian Fleming, creator of James Bond; Betty Shabazz, wife of Malcolm X and Detroit native; Rudy Giuliani; Gladys Knight; John Fogerty; and Kylie Minogue.

Have a good one, peeps.

Ready for Retirement

Welcome back to the Cheese Factory. After a long weekend, it's so hard to get back into the swing of things. And as someone pointed out, even though it's not Monday, it's almost worse. So, it may be (Tuesday, Mangal-waar, Seshanbeh, yawm-ath-thalatha, Fidal), but it feels like a Monday from Hell. Today is also Boomtime, and is the first day of Confusion. I don't know that I feel all that confused, but I do feel a bit out of my element. It's too hectic here. I am ready to retire and just sit back and enjoy life. Unfortunately I don't believe that's in the cards. What cards? Tarot cards? I don't know.

In 1703 the city of St. Petersburg, Russia was founded. In 1895 Oscar Wilde was imprisoned for sodomy. Dirty boy. In 1896 an F4 tornado hit St. Louis killing 255. In 1927 Ford stopped making the Model T. In 1937 the Golden Gate Bridge opened. Two years later Batman appeared for the first time. Batman is by far my favorite superhero. The following year, Nazi troops massacred 97 members of the Royal Norfolk Regiment after they surrendered, which is not very sporting. In 1941 the German battleship Bismarck was sunk. In 1971 a train wreck in West Germany killed 46. In 1975 a bus accident in Britain killed 32. In 1980 S. Korean troops killed 207 people when the retook the city of Gwanju from some rebels. In 1995 Christopher Reeve fell off a horse and was paralyzed. This was one of those sad events which really has had some impact in the world due to the call for stem cell research. In 1997 an F5 tornado hit Jarrell, TX and killed 27. And in 2006 an earthquake struck Java and killed 6,600. What a horrible day this had been, historically speaking. Maybe we should all go home.

In Bolivia it is Mothers' Day, or Dia de la Madre. Bolivia is the poorest country in S. America and is named after Simon Bolivar. It is landlocked and its capital is La Paz. Not to be confused with La Pez dispenser. There are 9.2 million people who live there and 55% are Amerindians. 78% are Catholics. Soybeans are the largest cashcrop, much like Indiana, Illinois, and Ohio.

It's also Mothers' Day in Sweden.

And in Nigeria, today is Children's Day. 42.3% of the population is under 14 so that's a lot of childrens.

Have a good day. Just remember that it's a short week. Peace out.