Only Idiots Like Mondays

Alright, seriously, today could have started out better. The fact that it's a (Monday, Soom-waar, Doshanbeh, yawm-al-ithnayn, Kamal, Dyds Llwn, Sweetmorn) doesn't make anything any better. I'm tired of the dramaculous in all its forms. Please people, just let things be.

So, I saw a band called The Republic Tigers on Saturday night, and although it's not really my cup o' tea, it was preety cool. Allie likes this band and from what I can tell, they're getting ready to hit the big time. We also saw a pretty cool art exhibit on Saturday at the Kemper Museum but I can't remember the artist's name... if I do I'll post it since it was well worth a look.

In 1559 King Henry II of France was mortally wounded during a jousting match with Gabriel de Montgomery. This was apparently a freak accident and did great harm to the reputation of jousting. In 1688 the Immortal Seven issued the Invitation to William III of Orange to become the King of England because they wanted a Protestant king and the heir to the throne was Catholic. In 1805 the US Congress organized the Michigan Territory. In 1859 the French acrobat Charles Blondin crossed Niagara Falls on a tightrope. I've been to Niagara Falls, it's pretty cool. In 1860 there was a historic debate on evolution at Oxford. In 1882 Charles Giteau was hanged for assassinating Pres. James Garfield. Giteau was born in Illinois but wound up in Ann Arbor for awhile. Eventually he went to Oneida, NY and joined the Oneida Community where they gave him the nickname of Charles Gitout. That's funny. In 1906 the US Congress passed the Meat Inspection Act which is actually pretty important if you think about it. In 1934 the Night of the Long Knives took place in Nazi Germany. In 1953 the first Corvette rolled off the assembly line in Flint, MI. In 1956 a TWA flight collided with a United Airlines flight killing 128. In 1971 the voting age was lowered to 18. And in 2005 Spain legalized same-sex marriages beating California to the punch by three years.

Today is Independence Day in the Democratic Republic of Congo (not to be confused with Plain Republic of Congo). It used to be called Zaire if that helps. The capital of this C. African nation is Kinshasa and there's about 63 million people who live in the nation which is roughly the size of W. Europe. Despite being incredibly wealthy in natural resources the country can't seem to get it's crap together and is constantly engaged in internal strife. The major exports are cobalt, copper, and diamonds. 94% of the people are Christians.

Happy Birthday: John Gay who may or may not have been; Lena Horne; Vincent D'Onofrio; Mike Tyson; Phil Anselmo, who's been in some pretty amazing bands; and Matisyahu, the Jewish reggae guy... I hate reggae music, so not much more to say about this guy.

Enjoy the day, if you can.

Sunday

After a day spent in Lawrence, KS I may have some things I would like to discuss. First of all, I miss living in a college town. The majority of my adult life thus far, despite my most recent stay in the KC Metro, was spent in E. Lansing and Kalamazoo. I actually lived in Kalamazoo longer than any other place in my whole life. But I miss it, the atmosphere. I miss being around people whose sole purpose in life is learning. I am by no means an idealist and do not think that every frat boy and sorority girl is in college to actually become educated. But even at the basest level where college is really nothing more than a trade school (see business, engineering, and pre-med majors, e.g.), the kids are still learning how to be adults. Allie and I had the discussion today about the benefits of living on campus, and my input is that it is while on a college campus that you are exposed to real life for the first time (for those of us that go to college). That being said, it's not actually the Real World, only a shadow of it. It's the best part of the Real World. It's the Real World as the World should be. And in that regard, I do not miss living in a college town. A college town is an illusion. It's a utopia for the middle class. It's a time when you can afford to do things that you will never be able to afford to do again- if you want to be able to actually participate in the RW. I think many of us have tried to carry over our college life into the RW and have believed that it will work. The problem is that no two college experiences are the same (unless yours was a Greek experience). Thus, no one is able to adequately adapt their existential hiatus to anyone else's. I mean seriously, I was a Religious Studies major at a Big 10 university and spent a lot of time smoking weed and having sex when I should have been going to classes. Don't get me wrong, I studied a lot. I read a lot of books that most people will never read. I learned ancient Greek. But my college experience was vastly different from a lot of people that went to the same university as I. I never took more than 12 credit hours in a semester and only took Summer classes once. I grew my hair long and hung out with a bunch of hippies, even though I still claim to have absolutely no hippie tendencies. I had a job, in a library, and did most of my studying while I was working. In fact I even had sex while I was working in the library- more than once. How many people can say that they actually have had sex while they working? I don't know, but in college, or at least my college, I did. My point is: this is not the RW. After being out in the RW for a couple of years, I can honestly say that employers do not schedule work only M-Th. They also do not offer night shifts one day a week that are equivalent to three days worth of work. They take attendence. If your work is not done, you can rarely take an "I" and make it up the following quarter. You can't really skip an hour of work and go down by river and get stoned and read Virginia Woolfe and you certainly can't expect to have sex with one of your co-workers and write it off to a bad acid trip and expect that there will be no repercussions. However, I also know that it's highly unlikely to ever engage your co-workers in a conversation about the influence of social Darwinism on American nationalism over a cup of coffee and a pack of cigarettes without sounding like an a-hole and probably getting fired for being a racist (and possibly sued for sexual harrassment when you ask said co-worker if they want to go back to your place and continue the conversation over a fatty preferrably naked). So, do I miss the college lifestyle? Yes. And no. But college towns are fun to visit, and so I'll probably return to Lawrence sooner or later, or maybe some other town that will take me back to the illusion of the middle-class Utopian dream. And I didn't even get to grad school in this post...

Freitag hunds!

This will be short and to the point- it's Friday (Chukar-waar, Jom'eh, yawm-al-jum'a, Istiqlal, dydd Gwener, Pungenday). Our new attorney, Shrek, not only has a giant head and a round body, but he also smells, apparently. But, whatever, it could be worse.

I got to work late today due to a doctor's appt. And so, quickly, I hope y'all have a good weekend and a safe one. The COD will return in full force on Monday.

Peace Out.

Ich bin ein Berliner

Welcome to (Thursday, Veer-waar, Panjshanbeh, yawm-al-khamis, Istijlal, dydd Ian, Boomtime). This week seems to be moving at a snail's pace. But I guess it's almost over. And of this I am thankful. I have decided that much like Dark Helmet, I am surrounded by a-holes. If you don't know what I'm talking about, please see the movie "Spaceballs". I am of the firm belief that this is one of the funniest movies of all time. You can disagree with me, however, if you do you will suffer eternal damnation during which you will be forced to continually watch re-runs of "Full House." It has been determined that I am not really as cool as I think I am because of the level of excitement I feel at the announcement that someone is finally making a movie of one of Edgar Rice Burroughs' John Carter of Mars books. This is quite possibly on the same level of cool as Star Trek fanatics and Baptists.

In 1284, according to legend, the Pied Piper lured 130 children away from Hamelin, Germany. No one is really sure what this story is based upon, but it is generally assumed that there was an outbreak of the plague which killed a lot of children. For quite some time it was assumed that the Pied Piper was a characterization of an evil Jew who stole the children away from the good German town in order to sacrifice them and drink their blood. But this explanation is now deemed to be un-p.c. In 1409 in what is known to historians as the Western Schism and to the Vatican as The Great Clusterf*&k, a third Pope was elected in Pisa. So, that means there were three Popes at one time, Alexander V, Gregory XII, and Benedict XII. Talk about a marketing nightmare. No one knew what the hell was going on. In 1870 Christmas was declared a federal holiday in the US. In 1934 the first helicopter took flight. In 1959 the St. Lawrence Seaway opened up the Great Lakes to ocean-going vessels. In 1963 John F. Kennedy announced to the world that he was a jelly donut when he stated, "Ich bin ein Berliner." In 1974 the UPC, or barcode, was scanned for the first time. Many idiots believe this to be one of the signs of the Antichrist, or possibly a way for the government to track all major purchases. I have heard that eventually we'll all have barcodes on us so that we can be tracked too. Of course this was told to me by my Uncle Jimmy who burries his money in his yard so that the government won't find it. Of course he's getting old and in about two years he probably won't be able to find it either. In 1975 2 FBI agents were killed in a shootout with AIM members at the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation. In 1997 the US Supreme Court ruled that the Communications Decency Act violates the 1st Amendment. And then in 2003 they ruled that gender based sodomy laws were unconstitutional opening up kinky sex to everyone, in the privacy of your own home of course.

Today is the International Day in Support of Torture Victims. So, if you know one, please support them in their recovery. I don't happen to know anyone who has been tortured, so I will be passing on this one.

It is also the International Day agaist Drug Abuse and Illicit Trafficking. I do know some people who have abused drugs which are illegal and someone must have trafficked them which is inherently illicit. Bad, bad people.

In Madagascar it's Independence Day. In Thailand it's Sunthorn Phu Day in honor of their greatest poet who just happened to also be an alcoholic.

And it's also Saints John and Paul Day. This is followed by the less popular Saints George and Ringo Day.

Enjoy. I'm having trouble finding my baseball.

Money, Money, Money...

Alright, so it's Hump Day. And I would just like to say that I do not like money. I like having it and spending it, I guess... but honestly it causes far more problems than it's worth. Somehow it always seems to be an issue and it always seems to cause an argument in one way or another. And it's an obsession for Americans. If you were an alien and pulled up the MSN homepage to try and figure out what Americans were all about you'd probably decide that our lives are consumed by: 1) our money; (2) our appearance; (3) our entertainment; (4) and how having more money can improve how much money we have, how good we look, and the types of entertainment we can afford. Jesus Christ, Tom Cruise, and Oprah, it makes me feel like butt. And everytime you turn around, someone is coming up with a way to save money so you can have more money to spend on something else or to have later so you can spend it on the same stuff you would have spent it on now. But, what are you going to do? Nothing. You're just going to continue working so you can earn not enough of it so you can continue to stress out about it. But, it's (Wednesday, Bhud-waar, Chaharshanbeh, yawm-al-arba'a, Idal, dydd Mercher, Sweetmorn) and the only good thing about that is that we're at the half-way point and the end of the week is closer than it was yesterday.

In 524 the Franks, a people so called because all men were named Frank, defeated the Burgundians, who were so-called because they all wore burgundy, at the Battle of Vezeronce. In 1788 Virginia was admitted as a state, it is officially a Commonwealth. In 1876 at the Battle of Little Bighorn George Custer commanded one of the most embarrassing losses in US military history. Unfortunately Custer was raised in Monroe, MI. In 1947 the Diary of Anne Frank was published. Two years later the first movie starring Bugs Bunny premiered, "The Long Haired Hare". The following year the Korean War began following a showing of the Bugs Bunny movie. It is a common misconception that the Korean War was over control of the government and a civil war. The real issue was access to movie theaters which was more prevalent in the south. Northern Koreans were rushing into the south to watch Bugs Bunny and the South Koreans mistook this as an invasion. Communism is really about equal access to Bugs Bunny in case you didn't know. In 1976 Missouri governor Chris Bond rescinded the Extermination Order of all Mormons. Up to that point, it was totally legal to kill a Mormon in the state of MO. And twenty years later some terrorists bombed the Khobar Towers in Saudi Arabia killing 19 US military personnel. Damn terrorists.

Today is Statehood Day in Slovenia and Croatia.

It is also Independence Day in the SE African nation of Mozambique. The capital of this nation which sits on the Indian Ocean is Maputo and everyone speaks Portuguese there. There are 22 million people in the country and 75% of them are involved in agriculture. The main cash crops are cashews, sugar, cotton, and tea. 24% are Catholics and 24% are non-religious.

It is also National Catfish Day. Here at this blog we hate catfish. Cats are evil creatures who are beloved pets of mad sea cows. A catfish is also not a cod. Therefore, I cannot support this holiday.

Happy Birthday: George Orwell, author of such great works as "1984" "Animal Farm" and "Down and Out In London and Paris"; Carly Simon, who looks like a horse; and Ricky Gervais, the English guy that created the original series "The Office" which was adapted by Americans into a much funnier and better version.

Enjoy your day and if it's possible to do so, please blow up a bank.

O Quebec

Welcome to (Tuesday, Mangal-waar, Seshanbeh, yawm-ath-thalatha, Fidal, dydd Mawrth, Setting Orange). It's rained- again. Tomorrow they're saying that it's going to be our first 90 degree day. I'm not looking forward to that. What I am looking forward to is having a day off which won't be until next week. But, it's something to look forward to. I've always been of the opinion that there's not too many places in North America that I'd like to visit. Maybe this sounds a little uppity. I don't know. But if I had to pick one place that I'd like to see, it'd have to be Montreal. I've heard nothing but good things about the city. And today, there and in all of Quebec it is the Fete nationale du Quebec. The picture is that of the sacre coeur flag which Quebecois are flying today. Note the adaption of the Quebec flag and the presence of the Fleur-de-lis, which are apparently representations of irises, which seems quite fitting these days.

In 972 at the Battle of Cedynia the Polish won their very first battle. Before this they were generally known as horrible fighters. In 1314 the Scottish won a decisive battle at Bannockburn in the War of Independence. In 1374 in Aachen, Germany a sudden outbreak of St. John's Dance caused people to hallucinate and break out in spontaneous jumps and twitches until they collapsed. My guess is that someone spiked the punch with some mushrooms. That sounds like it would be incredibly entertaining. In 1441 Eton College was founded. In 1497 John Cabot landed in Canada, the first European to land in North America since the Vikings. That same day the Cornish traitors Michael An Gof and Thomas Flamanck were executed in London. In 1535 the Anabaptists were finally conquered and surrendered their City of God, Munster, Germany. In 1664 the colony of New Jersey was established in order to provide the colony of New York with a place to dump its garbage. In 1717 the first Freemasonic lodge was founded in London. In 1794 Bowdoin College was founded. In 1918 the first Canadian airmail service was established between Montreal and Toronto. In 1947 the first widely reported UFO sighting occurred on Mt. Ranier in Washington. Ten years later, the US Supreme Court ruled that obscenity was not protected by the First Amendment. In 1975 an Eastern Airlines flight crashed in NYC killing 113. And six years ago a train crash in Tanzania killed 281.

Today is the boxer Jack Dempsey's birthday. He has a fish named after him. It is also the first day of the Baha'i month of Rahmat, or "Mercy".

Enjoy the day...I'll be here until five.

It's Monday Dog

Whoops, I just realized that if you hit after you type in the title, your post is published. That's interesting... I guess I'm still getting used to this deal. I'm sure there's all sorts of crazy things I could be doing on this blog, such as linking videos, etc. But I'm keeping things as simple as possible. The mere fact that this even exists is a miracle. To make my life unbearable, it's (Monday, Soom-waar, Doshanbeh, yawm-al-ithnayn, Kamal, Dyds Llwn, Prickle-Prickle). At least I'm not hung over like some people in the office. In fact, I haven't been hung over in over six months. That's a big change in my life.

So, in 1611 Henry Hudson's crew mutinied and set Henry, his son, and 7 others adrift in the Hudson Bay never to be found again. That would suck. In 1683 William Penn signed a friendship treaty with the Lenni Lenape Indians in PA. They exchanged BFF pendants and bracelets. In 1713 the British gave the Acadians a year to either swear allegiance to the crown or leave Canada. In 1686 Christopher Sholes patented the typewriter. Thank god we now have Microsoft Word, typewriters suck. In 1888 Frederick Douglass became the first African-American to be nominated for US President. Did you know Barack's middle name is Hussein? Seriously, that's a bad middle name to have. In 1926 the first SAT was administered. In 1958 the Dutch Reformed Church accepted women miniters. In 1959 a fire at a Norwegian hotel killed 34. In 1968 a stampede at a soccer game in Buenos Aires killed 74. In 1985 a bomb aboard an Air India flight exploded off the coast of Ireland killing 329. And in 1988, twenty years ago, James Hansen testified before the US Senate that he was 99% sure that global warming had started already. And today there's still some people who are surprised that the weather's really screwy lately.

Today is Victory Day in Estonia. Estonia's capital is Tallinn and there's about 1.4 million people who live in this little country on the Baltic Sea. Much of Estonia's culutral identity is derived from the Northern Crusades during which the Catholics killed a bunch of pagans using a military order known as the Livonian Brothers of the Sword.

It's Father's Day in Poland, Nicaragua, and Uganda. None of these countries have anything else in common. In Luxembourg today is the Official Birthday of the Grand Duke.

Happy Birthday as well to: Glenn Danzig; Randy Jackson, from American Idol fame; and Chico DeBarge.

Enjoy your day. Tomorrow it won't be Monday anymore....

Novus ordo seclorum

It's Friday (Chukar-waar, Jom'eh, yawm-al-jum'a, Istiqlal, Sweetmorn, dydd Gwener) and I feel like dancing. Not right now, maybe, because breaking out in spontaneous dance at work may give rise to the assumption that one is on drugs. And as Marilyn Manson put it, "I don't like the drugs, but the drugs like me." Or as Huey Lewis said, "I want a new drug." Or there's Nancy Reagan who said, "Just say no to drugs." Do what thou will, I don't care, just don't come and steal my appliances. So, anyway, heading into the weekend, we can look forward to not having to work for two days. We can also be comforted by the fact that it Summer begins tomorrow. I don't know about the rest of the world, but it's rained a lot here so far and it hasn't been brutally hot once. I'm keeping my fingers crossed about the heat thing.

In 451 Flavius Aetius and Theodoric I defeated Attila the Hun at the Battle of Chalons in NE France. In 1214 Oxford received its charter. In 1631 the Irish village of Baltimore was attacked by Algerian pirates. In 1782 the US Congress adopted the Great Seal of the US. In 1789 deputies of the French Third Estate took the Tennis Court Oath in which they vowed to break any ties in voting by playing tennis. In 1863 W. Virginia became a state. Known as the Mountain State, WV is one of two states in which it is legal to marry your first cousin. The state's motto is Montani semper liberi, which means "mountainmen are always free". They are always free to marry their cousins. The mascot of WV University is the Mountaineers and the state was very nearly named Westsylvania. I've been to WV on a white water rafting trip and I must say that it is a beautiful place. In 1877 Alexander Graham Bell installed the 1st commercial telephone system in Hamilton, Ontario. In 1893 Lizzie Borden was acquitted of murder. In 1919 150 people died in a theater fire in Puerto Rico. In 1956 a Venezuelan airliner crashed in NJ killing 74. In 1963 the "red telephone" line b/t the Kremlin and the White House was established. This became known as the Bat Phone. And in 1973 snipers fired into a crowd in Buenos Aires killing 13 and injuring over 300.

Today is World Refugee Day. There is a big refugee problem all over the world. These are people who have been pushed out of their homes for one reason or another, usually due to war or famine, or insect infestations. No one knows what to do with them and they're always creating a burden on wherever it is that they end up. My solution: send them all to Iraq and Afghanistan. I know it sounds strange, but seriously we'll just move them all to one or two places and repopulate those countries with all sorts of people from all sorts of places and create little mixing bowl countries of downtrodden people. In effect we'll be recreating what America once was. Maybe then they'll learn to live together and due to the competition for survival, the groups will eventually learn capitalism and consumerism and some day will be little Americas. Either that or they'll kill each other off and the problem would be solved anyway.

It is also Flag Day in Argentina. The Argentinian flag presents no problems for anyone and is thus better than refugees.

Happy Birthday: Errol Flynn; Olympia Dukakis; Danny Aiello; Anne Murray (Canadian); Lionel Richie; John Goodman, one of the greatest actors ever; and the beautiful Nicole Kidman, I don't know why you married Tom Cruise who is so much shorter than you.

I hope you have a good weekend and please remember to be nice to fat people.

Happy Juneteenth

Setting Orange, Confusion 24, 3174- Panjshanbeh, Khordad 30, 1387- yawm-al-khamis, Jumada t'Tania 14, 1429. (Veer-waar, Istijlal, Thursday, dydd Ian).

In any case, apparently it's some sort of holiday that only a certain segment of our great society observes. Yup, it's Juneteenth, commemorating the day when in 1865 the slaves in Galveston, TX were informed that they'd been legally free for two years. Whoops, somebody did not get the memo. Anyways, it's a day that's observed in 28 states and Washington, D.C., but it's observed in neither Kansas nor Missouri, and since I legally live in one and spatially reside in the other, I'm not celebrating anything.

More importantly it's Garfield the Cat day. I used to love Garfield when I was a kid. The movies sucked but I used to laugh my fool head off at that fat cat. Don't lie, you did too.

So in 1179 the Battle of Kalvskinnet was fought in Norway and Earl Erling Skakke was killed. I have no idea what the significance of this was for anyone other than Vikings. In 1269 King Louis IX of France ordered that all Jews caught in public without their yellow badges would be fined. In 1770 Emmanuel Swedenborg reported that the 2nd coming of Christ had been completed. I'm guessing he was wrong. In 1807 Russian Admiral Dmitry Senyavin destroyed the Ottoman fleet. Good work. In 1846 the first baseball game was played in Hoboken, NJ. In 1910 the first Fathers' Day was celebrated. In 1943 a race riot broke out in Beaumont, TX. In 1953 the Rosenbergs were executed in Sing Sing Prison in NY for being Russian spies. In 1982 God's banker, Roberto Calvi was found hanging under Blackfriars Bridge in London. I guess he messed up God's checkbook. And in 1987 the Basque separatist group ETA set off a bomb in a Spanish grocery store killing 21.

Happy Birthday: King James I of England; Lou Gehrig, of the disease fame; Phylicia Rashad, aka, Mrs. Huxtable; and whack-job Paula Abdul.

I hope you all enjoy your day. I have spent much of mine on one toilet or another and hopefully will be back to game shape shortly.

Of Sea Hags and Monster Trucks

We have reached Hump Day. In light of this fact, I would like to point out that sometimes life can be comical. Sometimes it simply is, and other times, it needs to be in order to make it bearable. So, on this lovely (Wednesday, Bhud-waar, Chaharshanbeh, yawm-al-arba'a, Idal, dydd Mercher, Prickle-Prickle), I'd recommend finding something to laugh at or about. I've got plenty, and fortunately I know someone who makes me laugh regularly.

In 1429 Joan of Arc and the French beat the English at the Battle of Patay (pictured). This has nothing to do with pate, or meat spread. In some cities I guess they've outlawed some forms of pate based on animal cruelty which is about the dumbest thing I've ever heard. In 1767 Samuel Wallis sighted Tahiti. In 1778 the British troops abandoned Philadelphia. In 1812 the US declared war on the United Kingdom. In 1873 Susan B. Anthony was fined $100 for trying to vote, silly woman. In 1923 Checker Taxi put its first taxi on the road. In 1928 Amelia Earhart became the first woman to fly across the Atlantic. In 1981 the AIDS epidemic was formally recognized by doctors. In 1983 Sally Ride became the first American woman in space. She was an astronaut despite the fact that her name sounds like a porn star. And in 1996 Ted Kaczynski, the Unabomber, was indicted on 10 criminal counts.

In the Seychelles it's National Day.

It is also Autistic Pride Day. This is one parade that I would like to attend. I'm not trying to be mean, but seriously, something of this nature could indeed be one of the most entertaining spectacles in history. I know that Gay Pride Parades are pretty entertaining, but the potential for pure chaos at the Autistic Pride Parade is off the charts.

Congratulations to the Boston Celtics and sincere well-wishes to those poor souls in Iowa. God may or may not hate you, I'm not sure yet.

Happy Birthday: Sir Paul McCartney; Roger Ebert; and Isabella Rossellini.

All about the raspberry

I have decided to dedicate myself to the cause of the raspberry.

Being that today is (Tuesday, Mangal-waar, Seshanbeh, yawm-ath-thalatha, Fidal, dydd Mawrth, Pungenday), it's got to be better than yesterday. So far it's definitely more bizarre. That being said, apparently Tiger Woods is back playing golf. I was hoping he'd retire. While listening to NPR this morning they were talking about the cost of gas limiting people's ability to vacation properly. I was going to comment on the cost of gas and how simply ridiculous it is that the oil companies are literally feeding off the misery of the world right now. Then I started thinking about how little time off Americans actually have to use for vacation and that we, as a culture, don't know how to vacation properly anyway. So what difference does it make? I am getting excited about taking one GD day off. That's stupid. The French work 35-hour work weeks and take an entire month off each year. Yeah, they pay $8/gallon for gas and they don't bathe properly and they're French, but JC I'd love to have a month off.

In 1462 Vlad III the Imapler, aka, Dracula, attempted to assassinate the Turk ruler Mehmed II. Despite the fact that Vlad was a nasty dude and impaled up to 30,000 people at a time, he was a member of the Order of the Dragon which was responsible for protecting E. Europe from Muslim expansion and should be viewed as a hero. In 1579 Sir Francis Drake claimed Novis Albion (Californina) for England. In 1876 the Indians beat the US Cavalry in a battle near Rosebud Creek, MT. In 1885 the Statue of Liberty arrived in New York Harbor, a gift from the French. In 1933 4 FBI agents and fugitive Frank Nash were gunned down at Union Station in Kansas City by a bunch of gangsters. That's pretty cool. In 1939 the last public guillotining in France took place. In 1948 a United Airlines plane crashed in PA and killed 43. In 1963 the US Supreme Court ruled 8-1 against allowing the recitation of Bible verses and the Lord's prayer in public schools. Thank, god. And in 1994 OJ was arrested and charged with double homicide. We know how that turned out.

Today is Iceland's National Day. Iceland has about 316,000 residents all of whom are related. The people of Iceland are very strange and if you don't believe me I give you Bjork. 82% of them are Lutherans. The capital is Reykjavik. Icelanders eat things like singed sheep heads and Hakarl which is rotten shark meat. FTS. That's disgusting. Jimminy Cricket, would someone please tell me why you would eat rotten shark meat?

It's also St. Albert Chmielowski Day which rhymes with the Big Lebowski but is not related in any way. Albert was a Polish guy who was very charitable and founded the Gray Brothers, not to be confused with the Gay Brothers. Although, you know what happens in the monasteries....

Happy Birthday: King Edward I of England; King Charles XII of Sweden; Igor Stravinsky; MC Escher, who's way better than MC Hammer; Newt Gingrich; Barry Manilow; George Clinton, funky dude; Joe Piscopo; Jello Biafra; Greg Kinnear; Chloe Jones, who died of liver failure due to an addiciton to Vicodin and Wild Turkey; and Venus Williams (no relation).

Have a good one....and it is all about the dragons...

FTS

Yes, fine, it's (Monday, Soom-waar, Doshanbeh, yawm-al-ithnayn, Kamal, Boomtime, dyds Llwn), and if think that's something to be pleased about, you can go to Hell. It's way too busy here for anything to get properly done. And, yes, it's still flooding in Iowa. Those poor souls. At least they don't live in Illinois. That's all I can say.

This is going to be short and to the point... in 1755 the British captured the French Fort Beausejour in New Brunswick, Canada which led to the expulsion of the Acadians. They made their way down to Louisiana where they assumed the name Cajuns. In 1858 Abe Lincoln gave his "House Divided" speech in Springfield, IL. In 1883 183 children died in the Victoria Hall theater panic. Must have been a scary play. In 1903 the Ford Motor Co. was incorporated. The following year, James Joyce hooked up with Nora Barnacle. It was on this date that every event took place in Dublin in his book "Ulysses" which I've never read. This is now celebrated in Dublin as Bloomsday. I hate Dublin. The city smells, it's expensive, and there's really not that much to see or do. In 1955 Pope Pius XII excommunicated Argentine President Juan Peron. And in 1997 another massacre took place in Dairat, Algeria, where 50 people were killed.

Happy Birthday: Geronimo; King Gustaf V of Sweden; Joyce Carol Oates; and rapist, Tupac Shakur, a real hero and cultural icon.

Enjoy the day. I will be working way too hard. Well, after I'm finished writing this, obviously.

All About Montana

Oh, thank Heaven it's (Friday, Chukar-waar, Jom'eh, yawm-al-jum'a, Istiqlal, Prickle-Prickle, dydd Gwener). This has been a long week. And it's been pretty bad weatherwise. Apparently a tornado touched down in Chapman, KS last night and much of Manhattan, KS was damaged. But KC got off lightly. In Spain they're having ongoing protests over gas prices and they're getting pretty heated. Allie observed last night that it's strange that Europeans still engage in such protests seeing as how they're so laid back. Something like that would rarely happen here. The Constitution guarantees us the right to assemble (which is essential if you're going to have a protest). In order to do so, you must have a permit though or the cops have the right to beat your ass. Another problem with this protest idea is that aside from the fear of police brutality, there is the fear that you will lose your job, either for missing work in order to protest or for getting arrested which won't look good for your employer. The fear of repercussion from the authorities does not apply to students at Michigan State University, however, as they seem to riot at least once a year, usually for no good reason.

In 1525 Martin Luther (a priest) married Katharina von Bora (a nun) violating Catholic celibacy rules. After they wed, Katharina spent her time breeding cattle and running a brewery. What a woman! One hundred years later King Charles I of England married the French princess Henrietta Maria, who in turn gave birth to two kings. In 1774 Rhode Island became the first colony to ban the import of slaves. In 1805 Meriweather Lewis sighted the Great Falls of the Missouri River in Montana. In 1886 a fire destroyed much of Vancouver. That same day King Ludwig II of Bavaria, a.k.a., the Swan King, was found dead in a lake. No one is sure how he died. King Ludwig was eccentric and built elaborate castles, including Neuschwanstein Castle which was the model for the castle at Disneyland. In 1934 Hitler and Mussolini met in Venice. Mussolini described Hitler as a "silly little monkey". In 1966 the US Supreme Court ruled that people have the right to remain silent and the right to hire an attorney in Miranda v. Arizona. This angered the cops who up to that point did not have to read or memorize anything. In 1970 "The Long and Winding Road" became the Beatles last number one song. In 1996 the Montana Freemen surrendered after an 81-day standoff with the FBI. These guys were part of a movement called the Sovereign Citizen Movement which has some pretty interesting viewpoints on the role of government in the lives of American citizens. The government does not like these views and you should probably not have them. In 1997 a jury sentenced Timothy McVeigh to death. Mr. McVeigh was loosely affiliated with groups which held similar views to the Freemen. And in 2005 a jury acquitted Michael Jackson of molesting a 13-year-old.

In ancient Rome they were into the 7th day of the Vestalia. And it was also the Quinquatrus Minusculae, a procession to the Temple of Minerva. Damn those Romans knew how to party.

Speaking of Romans, today is the Ides of June and Friday the 13th. I don't know if that's a good thing or not. I'm not really superstitious, but I am a little weary of Friday the 13th. But I'm going to try to stay positive.

Happy Birthday: Charles "The Bald", Holy Roman Emperor and King of the West Franks; Irish poet, William Butler Yeats; feminist mystery author, Dorothy Sayers; Malcolm McDowell, who starred in two of my favorite movies, "Clockwork Orange" and "Caligula"; Tim Allen, who went to Western Michigan University; and the Olsen Twins who are just begging to be publicly humiliated.

Enjoy your Friday and your weekend. And please, someone get me a donut or a beer.

An Observation

Ok, so here we are with another evening post. These may become less rare as I'm finding myself awake with nothing to do since there is no cable available which is fine because there's nothing on anyway. And in case you were wondering, it is in fact storming. While Allie and I were eating Thai food, the air raid sirens started blaring and panic ensued. No tornado, though.

Anyway, while sitting out back being all moody, I was watching the Sikh kids play basketball. I've never seen this before. It was really strange. And as they were playing their parents came out and started yelling at them. I couldn't really hear what they were saying. But I imagine that it was something along the lines of: "Hey, dummies stop playing that stupid game with the bouncy ball and hoop. What do you think you're going to become a pro bouncy ball player? Have you ever seen a pro bouncy ball player before? No, you haven't. That's because Sikhs do not play the bouncy ball game professionally. Now get in the house and practice your inventory taking skills. Who's going to run the liquor store when I die?" This may sound offensive, but it's not untrue. I have never seen a Sikh play basketball, let alone pro basketball. The Sikh National team doesn't exist because they don't have their own country. Sikhs are from India and to be honest, I've never seen Indians play basketball either. They may. I've just never seen it. One problem with the hoop dream of the little Sikh boy is the hair issue. One thing that you have to understand is that success in any arena is partially based on marketing. It'd be hard to find a market for yourself with all that hair. If you didn't know, Sikhs are really hairy. And one thing that Americans hate is unruly hair. If you don't believe me, look at an Abercrombie & Fitch catalog or a Playboy. Americans like hair that is well-groomed. It should be perfect even if it's messy. If it's messy, it should look like that's what you intended. You can have long hair, but it should be wavy and perfect, like Jesus's. You can have facial hair, but it should be well trimmed, like Jesus's. If you're a woman, you can have no hair anywhere except your head and your eyebrows. Period. (There are some minor exceptions to this rule.) Body hair for men is also frowned upon, but this is even more uncomfortable to talk about. And as I watch that little Sikh kid play basketball with that unruly hair with its weird ball on top, I can't help but think that his hair would be a major distraction to most NBA fans. So, Sikh kid, please listen to your parents, please. America may think that it's ready for a black president, but we're not ready for Air Sikh. I know that your people have been persecuted by Muslims and Hindus and that you don't have a homeland and all that horrible stuff, but there's plenty of things to do in this world besides play basketball. Thank you. And God bless us one and all. Even you little Sikh boy. Just put that damn ball away and be thankful God didn't kill us with one of his tornadoes tonight. I know I will sleep much better now that I have gotten this off my chest. Good night.

Mehefin

That's Welsh for June. And we are in the midst of it on this fine (Thursday, Veer-waar, Panjshanbeh, yawm-al-khamis, Istijlal, Pungenday, dydd Iau). Once again, it has stormed. And I believe there's a chance for more rain yet. In related news, apparently God hates Boy Scouts because he killed four of them last night in Iowa with a cunning use of a tornado. Nothing sneaky about that. And now the whole Midwest is saturated and there's flooding in Indiana. I'm not really upset by that because Indiana sucks. Some people may know that I did at one time live in Indiana- Frankfort to be exact. It was at James Whitcomb Riley Elementary where my formal education began. Frankfort has about 16.5K residents. I don't remember much about living there other than we lived in a huge Victorian house with a screened in porch and had to drive an hour to go to church every Sunday. My little sister was born in Lafayette, Indiana, and I am a Purdue fan. This does nothing for my opinion of the state as a whole however.

In 1381 a Peasants' Revolt broke out in England. In 1418 the Burgundians captured Paris. In 1889 88 people died in the Armagh rail disaster in Northern Ireland. Ten years later a tornado hit New Richmond, WI and killed 117 people. In 1903 a bunch of band dorks founded the Sigma Alpha Iota fraternity for musicians because they were tired of getting picked on by the cool kids and wanted a club of their own. In 1943 the Nazis liquidated the Jewish ghetto of Berezhany, Ukraine. In 1964 Nelson Mandela was sentenced to life in prison. Three years later the US Supreme Court ruled in Loving v. Virginia that laws prohibiting interracial marriages were unconstitutional. In 1978 David Berkowitz, the "Son of Sam", was sentenced to 365 years in prison. And in 1994 Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman were murdered leading to that famous car chase involving a white Bronco.

In ancient Rome they were into the 6th day of the Vestalia. In the Philippines and Russia it's Independence Day. In Brazil it's Dia dos Namorados (Lover's Day). And in Wales it's Dydd y Dywysoges Gwenllian, or Princess Gwenllian's Day.

Happy Birthday: Austrian painter, Egon Schiele; President George H.W. Bush; Anne Frank; Jim "golly gee" Nabors; Marv Albert; and Pittsburgh Steeler linebacker, Larry Foote, who played at Michigan in college.

Have a good one.

Day of Cake

Today is (Hump Day, Wednesday, Bhud-waar, Chaharshanbeh, yawm-al-arba'a, Idal, Boomtime) and I had the best cake ever. I don't know what kind it was, some sort of strawberry cake with lemon icing. It was moist and sweet, but not too sweet. After I ate the cake, I felt euphoric. I think that the cake should be called "sex" because it's that good.

Have I told you how busy work is right now? It's almost 2pm and I'm just now getting to this thing. That really gets me hot under the collar. I am used to being able to ease into my days at the Cheese Factory. Instead, I've been hitting the ground running and it's driving me insane. I didn't take this job to actually have to work. I'm not getting paid enough to work, for Christ's sake. Anyway...if you weren't tired of hearing about Barack, just wait, it's going to get worse.

In 1184 BCE Troy was sacked and burned by the Greeks. There was a movie about this recently I believe. In 1509 Henry VIII married Catherine of Aragon. In 1788 Russian explorer Gerasim Izmailov discovered Alaska, he found it to be cold and overrun with polar bears. In 1805 a fire burned most of Detroit. In memory of this event, I call for a re-enactment. In 1837 a the Broad Street Riots broke out between English and Irish-Americans in Boston. In 1892 the Limelight Department, one of the oldest film studios was founded in Melbourne, Australia. In 1919 Sir Barton became the first horse to win the Triple Crown. Horse racing is stupid. It is slightly less stupid than car racing, however. In 1935 Edwin Armstrong demonstrated the first broadcast on FM from Alpine, NJ. In 1955 83 were killed when two cars crashed in the Le Mans race. In 1962 three guys escaped from Alcatraz, one of them was portrayed by Clint Eastwood in a movie. In 1964 Walter Siefert went crazy and killed 8 kids and 2 teachers at an elementary school in Cologne, Germany using a flamethrower. That's some serious killing, right there. Nothing like a good bratwurst. In 1970 Anna Mae Hayes and Elizabeth Hoisington became the first female US Army Generals. And in 2001 Timothy McVeigh was executed.

In Hawai'i today is Kamehameha Day.

In Ancient Rome today was the Matralia in honor of Mater Matuta, goddess of dawn and sea ports. The festival was purely for single women and women in the first marriages and they offered prayers for the nieces and nephews and released a slave from Temple in the Forum Boarium (pictured).

It was also the fifth day of the Vestalia.

Happy Birthday: Ben Johnson, the dramatist; Jacques Cousteau; Gene Wilder, funny guy; and Joe Montana.

Have a good one, and please do try the sex cake...

Putting the Cart Before the Horse

Sweetmorn, Confusion 15, 3174

You got it, it's (Tuesday, Mangal-waar, Seshanbeh, yawm-ath-thalatha, Fidal). I can't print anything from my computer, so I've decided that I'm going to do as little work today as humanly possible. I'd like to tell you that something exciting is going on, and I guess it is. One thing I can say is that it's been an incredibly eventful year. And for the most part, a positive one. Aside from all the death and destruction that's gone on in Asia and the severe weather that's wreaking havoc in the Midwest, and Israel and Iran now exchanging some pretty threatening dialogue, well, you know... I guess my life's going ok. Barack and his wife have now totally freaked out older white people with their hand bump thing. That was a little too much for some people to handle. At least it wasn't a chest bump, though. If they'd done that, there'd be no reason to even have an election.

In 1190 Holy Roman Emperor Frederick Barbarossa drowned in the Sally River on his way to attack Jerusalem. Not a very fitting way for an emperor to die. In 1692 Bridget Bishop was hanged for "certaine Detestable Acts called Witchcraft and Sorcery". Was running around the woods naked really all that bad? I guess it was. In 1786 100,000 people died in the Sichuan Province of China in the aftermath of an earthquake. Even back then God hated the Chinese. In 1805 the First Barbary War ended between the US and the Barbary States. Here's a war we don't hear much about. Basically this war was fought over Mediterranean trade and the safety of US ships from pirates. Apparently the Barbary States supported piracy. This war ended in a quasi-victory for the US. In 1886 Mt. Tarawera erupted in New Zealand killing 153 people and twice as many sheep. In 1935 Dr. Robert Smith and Bill Wilson founded Alcoholics Anonymous. Soon after they began to be really annoying and preachy. No one liked them, but their methods and talk of a Higher Power have proven pretty successful, and our government fully buys into the Program, which if you've ever gotten a drunk driving you will know firsthand. And in 1947 Saab produced its first weird looking car.

In ancient Rome today was the 4th day of the Vestalia. And throughout the world today is Portugal Day. One thing about the Portuguese that I like is that they love cod and have over 300 ways to make it. That makes the Portuguese one of the greatest supporters of my cause. Of course they don't call it cod, they call it bachalhua, because they don't speak God's English, but instead speak a heathen tongue. But I don't care that they call it something else as the fact remains that they love cod.

Happy Birthday: Judy Garland; Maurice Sendak; Dan Fouts, who should have never left Monday Night Football; John Edwards, who should've been the Democratic nominee; Eliot Spitzer, who is one of those people that I have no idea what he's done, I just recognize his name; Kim and Kelley Deal of the Breeders; and Leelee Sobieski.

Enjoy today because there are more storms on the way.

Great Expectations

Isn't it great that the work week has begun anew? Nope. Sucks, big time. I don't know anyone who likes (Mondays, Soom-waar, Doshanbeh, yawm-al-ithnayn, Kamal, Setting Orange). I sincerely wish that the a hole would open up and swallow the Scarritt Building whole. Preferrably either before I arrive or after I leave. Since that is not likely to happen, I guess the day must go on. I am ready for the stormy weather to desist. This is getting tiresome. It's done nothing but rain it seems like. And it's now boring me. Earthquakes continue to wreck havoc and continue striking China, Nevada, and Greece. Obviously all places that God despises. There was something else... ah, yes, Allie and I saw the scariest looking anorexic woman in the entire world doing some weird shuffle thing on Saturday. Then yesterday we saw what appeared to be a 90-year old woman at the grocery store dressed like a hoochie mama. The world is coming to an end.

In 69 Roman Emperor Nero committed suicide. Can you imagine if the President did such a thing? I think people would freak the "F" out. In 721 Odo of Acquitaine defeated the Moors at the Battle of Toulouse. In 1534 Jacques Cartier discovered the St. Lawrence River. In 1732 James Oglethorpe was granted a royal charter for the colony of Georgia. In 1790 the Philadelphia Spelling Book became the first book copyrighted in the US. In 1856 the Mormons left Iowa City, IA for Salt Lake City, UT. Residents of Iowa City were heard to collectively say, "Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out." In 1930 reporter Jake Linger was murdered over a gambling debt owed to Al Capone. In 1934 Donald Duck debuted. In 1953 a tornado hit Worchester, MA killing 94. And in 1978 the Mormon church opened the priesthood to "all" men, effective allowing black me to be saved. They were a little slow to get the memo on Civil Rights.

In ancient Rome today would have been the third day of the Vestalia in honor of the goddess Vesta, goddess of the hearth. To celebrate, women would sacrifice an unborn calf by ripping it out of a pregnant cow. This was the only time of the year that the sanctum sanctorum, or "holy of the holies" was opened.

I hope you have a good day. I'm going to try to find an firearm or possibly a grenade launcher.

It's my house, and if you don't like it...

The good lord has allowed us to make it to another Friday (Chukar-waar, Jom'eh, yawm-al-jum'a, Istiqlal, Boomtime). We survived the severe weather, thank god. I knew when the weather idiots said it was going to be horrible that it wasn't going to live up to their expectations. God hates weathermen, that's why they're always wrong. Now that the weekend is nearly here I'd like to just let you all know that I really need to find a better paying job. Yes, it's true, the Cheese Factory is not providing enough cheddar.

So...in 1683 the Ashmolean Museum opened at Oxford University, the first university museum in the world. In 1752 a fire destroyed 18,000 homes in Moscow. In 1833 Pres. Andrew Jackson became the first president to ride a train. Whether he was the first President to run a train is under debate. In 1882 a cyclone hit Bombay and killed over 100,000. In 1889 the Great Seattle Fire destroyed that city's entire downtown. In 1925 Chrysler Corp. was founded. The Revenue Act of 1932 established the first gas tax at one cent/gallon. The following year the first drive-in movie theater opened in Camden, NJ. In 1944 the Allies invaded Normandy, making today D-Day. Over 155,000 troops landed in Normandy today. Over 10,000 allied troops died and somewhere between 4,000-9,000 Germans died. In 1946 the BAA was formed which eventually became the NBA. In 1982 Israel invaded Lebanon. And two years later the Indian government attacked the Golden Temple, a Sikh temple, killing over 2000 civilians. In 1990 US District Judge Jose Gonzalez ruled that 2 Live Crew's "As Nasty As They Wanna Be" violated Florida's obscenity laws. And in 2005 the US Supreme Court voted 6-3 to ban medical marijuana. Assholes.

By the way, apparently Israel is now threatening to attack Iran... we will be at war with Iran within the next two years, I guarantee it.

It is Memorial Day in S. Korea, BBQ cat for everyone. And in Sweden it's National Day.

Happy Birthday: David Abercrombie, founder of that store all the kids like; Colin Quinn, who is not actually that funny; Steve Vai; Tom Araya, of Slayer; Sean Yseult, of White Zombie; Paul Giamatti; and porn star, Gianna Michaels.

Enjoy the weekend and please watch out for angry Israelis.

Hondo

What's up my people? I don't know how it can already be (Thursday, Veer-waar, Panjshanbeh, yawm-al-khamis, Istijlal, Sweetmorn). The week has been pure hell, but it's flying by. I can't seem to get a damn thing done, even though I've been working my butt off. Congratulations to the Detroit Red Wings for winning the Stanley Cup. Detroit needs something to feel good about, and in a city that loves its Hockey, this is what the proverbial doctor ordered. I've been getting a lot of flack for my anti-Obama rhetoric, but I don't care. He's not electable. It is what it is. And I don't understand why I am required to like the guy. Just because it's a historical achievement doesn't mean I have to agree with it. So, leave me alone. I'd be saying the same thing if Hillary had gotten the nod.

So, in 70 Titus and his Roman legions breeched the middle wall of Jerusalem. You see, if you look back through history, every major empire in the world has wanted to conquer the Jews, and in many cases get rid of them completely. I know that today no one understands why the Arabs hate the Jews, but the simple fact is that they're just one more in a long line of people who have felt the same way. In 1829 the HMS Pickle captured an armed slave ship off the coast of Cuba. The interesting thing here is that the Royal Navy has had 8 ships named Pickle. I hate pickles and I can't believe that the British monarchy would actually name a warship after the nastiest food item in the world. In 1837 Houston became incorporated into the Republic of Texas. I hate Houston too. In 1851 "Unlce Tom's Cabin" was published. I've never read it. In 1917 the military draft began for WWI. In 1956 Elvis Presley performed "Hound Dog" on The Miltion Berle Show. His pelvic girations freaked everyone out. My how time have changed. Shakira would probably have been burnt at the stake back then. In 1967 Israel simultaneously bombed Egypt, Jordan, and Syria beginning the Six Day War. No reason for Arabs to fear Israel. In 1968 Robert F. Kennedy was shot in LA by Palestinian Sirhan Sirhan. To honor him they named the stadium in Washington after him but then FedEx bought the rights to the stadium and now we've forgotten about him. In 1977 the Apple II computer was sold to the public for the first time. And in 1981 the CDC announced the first known cases of AIDS diagnosing 5 homosexual men in LA with a weird form of pneumonia.

Today is World Environment Day. So, please recycle and do other very white things.

It's Constitution Day in Denmark.

In Suriname, which is on the north coast of S. America, today is Indian Arrival Day. A large portion of the 487,000 people are of Indian (dot not feather) descent. The capital is Paramaribo and the economy relies on Bauxite exports. Suriname is the smallest country in S. America and you never hear anything about it.

In the Seychelles, a nation comprising 155 islands in the Indian Ocean off the coast of Africa, it is Liberation Day. The capital is Victoria and there are 81,000 residents most of whom are Catholic. The economy relies on the two big "T's" tourism and tuna.

Happy Birthday: Socrates; Pancho Villa; the Welsh author, Ken Follett; Kenny G., who will put you in a coma if you listen for too long; and leader of the Funky Bunch Marky Mark.

I'm losing my mind quickly. If you find it, please drop it in any USPS mail box. Thank you.

A Rare Late Night Post

And some say, he was like a tornado.
And some say, she was a driving rain.
And they say, ruin and destruction,
Would follow them to their grave.

And some say, that those two storms collided.
And some say, nothing would e'er be the same.
And they say, that unhappiness followed,
Death was all that was left in their wake.

And some say, those fronts they did crash and burn.
And some say, nothing was left of their names.

But they say, when clouds opened in the morn,

They found broken all their shackels and chains.

Tui Tonga

Welcome to Hump Day. Aka, (Wednesday, Bhud-waar, Chaharshanbeh, yawm-al-arba'a, Idal, Setting Orange). It's way too busy here at the ol' Cheese Factory. I'm about to lose my mind, what's left of it anyways. It stormed like crazy here last night. The lightning was pretty amazing and apparently God is angry that gas prices aren't higher and decided to shoot lightning bolts at a fuel storage tank just north of downtown KC setting it on fire and wasting all of that precious petrol. God hates us too. If you don't believe me, look who's won the Democratic nomination. Democrats are so stupid. If you want immediate change in a highly divided nation, pick the candidate most likely to alienate a large number of voters. Regardless of how you feel about the fact that a large number of people won't vote for Obama because he's black, it's the way it is. I know, you're sitting there saying, "Well that's just stupid." Maybe it is. I think it's stupid that I can't run around naked in the middle of the day while eating ice cream cones. But, as Allie M., says, some things are the way they are, and just because you don't agree with it doesn't make it any different. (She is not talking about either one of these things when she says this, by the way.) But you get my point. Dumb, dumb, dumb Democrats.

In 781 BCE the first solar eclipse recorded in China took place. In 1039 Henry III (pictured) was annointed as Holy Roman Emperor. In 1584 Sir Walter Raleigh established the first English colony on Roanoke Island. In 1792 Capt. George Vancouver claimed Puget Sound for Great Britain. In 1812 Louisiana was admitted as a state and the rest of Louisiana Territory was renamed Missouri Territory. In 1859 the Battle of Magenta took place in which the French beat the Austrians. This was much more important than the Battles of Violet, Maroon, or Chartruse. In 1912 Massachusetts became the first state to enact a minimum wage law. In 1917 the first Pullitzer Prizes were awarded. In 1939 the SS St. Louis, carrying 963 Jewish refugees, was denied entry to American ports. It was forced to return to Europe where most of those aboard eventually died in concentration camps. This is the reason the US helped create the state of Israel. Guilt is a bitch. In 1942 the Battle of Midway began. One of my great uncles fought in this battle. And in 1973 the patent for the ATM was granted. This is one of those things we take for granted. I have no idea how people survived without being able to take money out of conveniently placed machines. You'd actually have to plan ahead and go to the bank during banking hours...

In Tonga today is National Day. Tonga is comprised of 169 islands, its capital is Nuku'alofa and there are about 112,000 people who live there. Its main exports are coconuts, vanilla, and bananas. 48% of Tongans are Mormons and they like to play rugby.

In Finland it's Finnish Defense Forces Day.

Happy Birthday: King George III; El Debarge; Horatio Sanz, of SNL fame; and whack-job Angelina Jolie, who is hot, but who is just a little strange....

Have a good one and join me as I pray for hump.

Good Vibrations

For some reason on this fine (Tuesday, Mangal-waar, Seshanbeh, yawm-ath-thalatha, Fidal, Prickle-Prickle) I've got Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch stuck in my head, although I can't seem to remember any of the actual lyrics and only bits and pieces of it. I am becoming aware that Summer is upon us as the temperatures and humidity are steadily climbing. Today it's supposed to be 90. FTS. I'd like it be a little cooler, myself. But we will carry on here at the Cheese Factory.

In 350 the Roman usurper Nepontianus conquered Rome with an army of gladiators. His rule only lasted 28 days, however. In 1140 Peter Abelard was found guilty of heresy. I couldn't really tell for what exactly. Abelard was a Frenchman and was big into philosophy. He also had a love affair with Heloise, the daughter of his boss. She had a baby which she named Astrolabe. That's a good way to get a kid beat up at school. Anyway, when Abelard's boss found out, ol' Abelard got himself castrated. That pretty much ended the affair and Heloise wound up in a convent. Their love letters are apparently pretty romantic. Today's picture is an artist's rendering of them studying Classical literature. In 1539 DeSoto claimed Florida for Spain. They can have that cesspool back for all I care. In 1800 John Adams became the first President to take residence in Washington, D.C. He shacked up in a tavern because the White House wasn't built yet. It's great that one of our great leaders lived in a bar. Fifty years later Kansas City was founded. And one thing you can say about KC is that there are plenty of bars. In 1885 the last military engagement on Canadian soil took place. In 1888 "Casey at the Bat" was published, the most famous baseball poem ever. In 1943 a bunch of Naval Reservists stationed in LA began attacking Hispanics in what became known as the Zoot Suit Riots. In 1962 an Air France flight crashed killing 130. The following year a Northwest Airlines flight crashed and killed 101. And in 1968 Valerie Solanos attempted to "assassinate" Andy Warhol. Problem: I don't think artists are assassinated. The term should be reserved for people of political/military significance, everyone else is just murdered.

In ancient Rome today was the feast of Bellona, goddess of war, sister/wife/daughter of Mars. They usually celebrated this by killing something or someone.

And today is also Confederate Memorial Day in Kentucky, Tennessee, and Louisiana.

Happy Birthday: Jefferson Davis; Tony Curtis; Allen Ginsberg; and Marion Zimmer Bradley, author of "Mists of Avalon" which is an awesome book.

Have a spectacular day and please do not leave the toilet seat up.

O Natoma!

Welcome to another (Monday, Soom-waar, Doshanbeh, yawm-al-ithnayn, Kamal, Pungenday). I wish that I could say that I'm glad to be here. But, I really wish that I could be anywhere but in the office right now. I spent the weekend in Natoma, KS which is a thriving metropolis. I ate more meat than is perhaps recommended by the FDA. I also got a lot of sun and may have fried my brain. But, I enjoyed myself thoroughly and found Natoma to be a very relaxing break from the hustle and bustle of KC. And the drive out there was far more beautiful than I anticipated and beats Illinois, Indiana, and W. Ohio hands down.

In 455 the Vandals entered Rome and began a two-week long plundering excursion. Damn Vandals! In 1098 the Crusaders ended their siege of Antioch and captured the city. Good work, men. In 1615 the first missionaries arrived in what would become Quebec City from France. In 1692 Bridget Bishop was the first woman to go on trial in the Salem witch trials and was found guilty. In 1763 Ft. Michilimackinac in Mackinaw City, MI was captured by the Chippewa Indians. In 1835 PT Barnum's circus began its first tour of the US. In 1886 President Glover Cleveland became the first and only President to get married in the White House. In 1924 President Calvin Coolidge signed the Indian Citizenship Act making all Native Americans born in the US citizens. In 1953 the coronation of Queen Elizabeth II was the first to be televised. God, she's been Queen a long time. In 1979 Pope John Paul II became the first pontiff to visit a communist country when he went home to Poland. In 1990 a tornado outbreak hit Illinois, Indiana, Ohio, and Kentucky. 88 tornados were confirmed on that day. And in 1997 Timothy McVeigh was convicted but was not thrown in a river to see if he'd float. But that would've been cool if he had been.

In Italy today is Republic Day celebrating the restoration of the Republic after the defeat of the fascists following WWII. Ciao, bellissimo.

Today we find ourselves in June, named after the Roman goddess Juno, who is goddess of marriage and the household. Apparently it's a good month to get married and an even better month to file for divorce which is what I plan on doing this week.

Happy Birthday: Pope Leo XI; Martha Washington; Marquis de Sade; Pope Pius X; Dana Carvey; and B-Real, of Cypress Hill.

Have a good one.