Finally...Some Justice

Thankfully, Nature has finally carried out some well-deserved justice. Yes, people, Ryan Seacrest has been bitten by a shark. I don't know the details, I only know that he was bitten and that he's so GD annoying that I'd like to have seen that happen firsthand.

Now, if Nature could continue her streak and dish out some more justice, I vote for the next person to get bit to be Modern Major General Onions. I don't care what sort of animal you choose to bite her. But you should probably choose one who does not have an aversion to the smell of three-day-old onion sandwiches. More than likely this should be some sort of scavenger. It's true that sharks are scavengers, but there are not too many sharks available in KC. So, that leaves dogs and carrion birds, like crows or vultures. As much as I'd love to see a dog go at Onions, the idea of her getting attacked by crows seems poetic. I can only imagine her running to her car being chased through the parking garage by rabid black birds. One would probably become entangled in her hair and she would be screaming and trying to get the demon crow out of her hair in a voice that sounds eerily like Joan's. I imagine that one of her eyes might get pecked out before one of those downtown cleaning people in their black and yellow uniforms comes to her rescue. Maybe she'd fall in love with him and fawn at the way she saw him with her one good eye shoo away the rabid crows with his broom which was paid for by that city tax that comes out of your paycheck if you work in KC. He would likely kneel down beside her, catching his breath as her oniony pheromones finally got past his adrenaline. It may stir some hunger inside him as he's been pushing around a garbage can all day in the heat, not smelling too pleasant himself. He would think to himself, "she smells like a philly steak that's been sitting on a table in a smoke-filled bar for several hours." But after sweeping up cigarette butts and trash all day in the KC heat, even that could stir a certain type of man's appetite. She would say, "Sir, you saved me. What can I do to repay you? I am the Office Manager of the Cheese Factory. Do you like Cheddar?" And he would say, "Ma'am, you have a dead crow in your hair that looks like you have not washed in a few days. I'm just a simple man who loves simple things in life, like a good philly steak smothered in onions even if it's been sitting on a table in a smoky bar for several hours." "Well, good knight," she continued, "if you like smelling food and working, I have just the job for you. In the Cheese Factory we pride ourselves in hiring smelly people who are unaccustomed to working in a professional environment and if you think that you could work in such a place, a place that is less concerned with ethics and customer service, but wholly concerned with making the cheese, I would love to give you a job. I hardly work myself, but I will expect you to work for far less than the average wage for the job that I will hire you for. I will treat you like dirt and stab you in the back when you least expect it, but if you can get past my rank onion odor and obsession with small meaningless projects I will let you get to know me- in the Biblical sense- because that guy that was fixing the phones didn't seem at all interested, even though I was doing the sexy leg pose for hours, and I'm desperate....

To answer your question.... I have taken no drugs.

Sunday

Well, it's Sunday evening folks. I'd like to say that I went to church today and sung hymns, but I did not. Nope, instead I went to Babies R Us and looked at cribs. And then I went to Leawood and saw how the other half lives. But it was nice, they gave me some Coronas. This evening, Allie and I watched 3:10 to Yuma which was a pretty good movie. I haven't watched a cowboy movie in a long time, and I have to say that it was definitely worth the time and money spent on it.

Overall, it's been a pretty fantastic weekend. It's been a weekend full of those epiphanies I tend to have, which is not a word associated with manliness, although it should be. I believe that if men allowed themselves to have ephiphanies more often, they'd spend less time having to have attorneys. Too often men ignore that small, quiet voice and write it off as indigestion or possibly the Jim Beam talking.

A riding lawn mower cannot drive out the sound of reason. Or maybe it can. But one should not allow it to. And no man lives by sawdust and grass clippings alone. I don't care how nice of a shed you have.

I raise my glass to all who can endure an afternoon of crib shopping. Some of those cribs can make a man feel inadequate about his own bed. Seriously, my baby will have a convertible bed, and I cannot even allow myself to dream about the word covertible...

Ich bin ein Obama

Yeah, an Obama-nation! That's what you call a play on words.

I'm so tired of hearing about Obama running around Europe acting all presidential and appearing to be presidential and then saying things like, "I'm not the President." It reeks of Jesus asking his disciples, "Who do they say I am?" If it looks like s#%t and smells like s#%t, it's s#%t. And Obama's pulling some dog s#%t. Look at me, the French love me, the Germans love me, the Spanish love me. Anyone who isn't G.W. the Europeans will love. I mean how great must it be to speak to someone who can actually converse in their native tongue? G.W. can't even tell you what he's thinking in English, let alone trying to convey a thought to someone who then has to translate your pigeon-Texan ramblings into numerous foreign languages. And then think of the poor European leader who is getting a translation of broken Texan which no good linguist even recognizes as a proper English dialect. No offense to the English.

Obama must seem like a genius. And to make matters even better, it's not like he's Jessie Jackson or Louis Farrakhan. I mean with Jessie you have the same linguistic problems you do with Bush, and with Farrakhan, if you're European you know he hates you too. And you don't have to worry about him coming to your country and having his entourage f#$K up your police like Snoop Dogg. So, I guess, things could be worse.

On a positive note, today I heard the raspberry's heartbeat. And though it was brief, it was awesome. I have never been more excited about anything in my entire life. So, on that, I'll end for today.

It is Friday. And I'm home writing a blog entry at 9pm drinking a PBR and flashing a big middle finger to the haters. (That's something I think Tucker might say.)

Surrogate

In my newfound free time I have been scouring the KC Metro for jobs. I have applied to several in the past two days, all of them office jobs. In the current stage of life, I am qualified to do office work, primarily in the legal and clerical fields. Funny because according to my Federal Student Loan debt, I should be qualified to do a lot of things. Problem is that there are not too many jobs out there which look for experience translating 13th-century Latin documents. The fact that I received several grants to study in the Archivio Generale Dei Carmelitani in Rome makes not one bit of difference in the RW. Sometimes that life seems as if it didn't exist. There are times when the Kansas City phase seems like I embarked on a weird foray into the Witness Protection Program. I pretty much just stopped my life as it was and picked up and moved here and started life completely over. Of course I carried some weight with me, but that too has now been shed. The only thing holding me to the academic world is now a huge student loan debt and some very subdued longings for the academy. To be perfectly honest, I don't miss academia. I miss the lifestyle and the intellectual atmosphere in which one is necessarily immersed. But academics are the whiniest, most pretentious, and self-involved bitches on the planet. That's not to say they're not nice people... but not very many people in this world actually care whether you're a social, economic, or intellectual historian; or whether you attribute the rise in the power of the Franciscans to the Papacy or the masses and whether or not this can be directly correlated to the popularity of the Cathars. (If you know what I'm talking about, you'll know the correct answer to that query.) The minutia in which Historians involve themselves borders on insanity, each of them looking to be that one footnote in that one great book, usually that someone else will eventually write.

So, what now comes? I don't know. I know that one cannot look backwards for too long, or one will get a crimp in one's neck. Much better to glance back and make sure the traffic's clear and fix your eyes back on the road ahead. And if you're skills are decent, you won't press the brake once while passing the minivan full of Mexicans who for some reason are driving 35mph on the Interstate.

I know that up until very recently I would be handling this whole thing very differently. And I know that there is someone in my life who has made it possible to do so with some sense of dignity and hope. So....we carry on.

Long Live the COD

After a three-day hiatus due to an unexpected breech in my employment situation and hence a period of shock and severe anger, the world cannot simply stop, and neither can the COD. Yes, kind readers, it's true, the management (and I use that term lightly) at the Cheese Factory decided to sever their relationship with yours truly. And part of the reason which they gave me for doing so, was this very blog. Apparently one should not do "personal typing" while at work. One can, however, sexually harrass a co-worker, and get away with a "warning" and then be allowed to confront the employee who was harrassed. And if you were the individual who reported this event, you can be terminated. You will be terminated for reasons for which you have never received any sort of disciplinary action. Did I do some personal work while performing my role as a paracheddar? As this blog will attest, I will admit it. Did Modern Major General Onions once speak to me about this? Never. Was my schedule slightly erratic? Yes, it was. Was I ever formally disciplined for this? Never. Did either of these two things interfere with my job performance and cause me to miss "deadlines"? No. In fact I can count the number of times on both hands that in the performance of my job, I had a time-sensitive deadline. And in order to not get your work done, you have to be given work to do, and perhaps the tools to do your work, like a functioning printer. Am I angry? Yup. Do I want to return to the Cheese Factory? Not in a million years.

So, I will be continuing my daily rants and raves and reports from locations and times which will be more varied. I will eventually stop being angry at the "management" of the Cheese Factory and Shrek, the fat, disgusting, be-atch who's about as professional as he is attractive, and who I imagine will one day figure out a way to get himself disbarred. My advice, stop drinking a 12 pack of Pepsi everyday, wear a tie when you meet with clients for the first time, and realize that the Real World is not the place where you get revenge on all the cool kids from high school that made fun of you for being fat, disgusting, and a big flippin' dork.

To my former co-workers: if you are dark-complectled, i.e., not white, you should run. Despite how things used to be, the Cheese Factory does not like you. Two Hispanics and two black people fired in the past 7 months, all of whom were replaced by whiteys. If you value loyalty, honesty, integrity, or any other moral value, you should by now have realized that the Cheese Factory does not recognize such things as having anything to do with making cheddar. Despite the fact that the owners are self-proclaimed "good people", they will in fact throw you under a bus if they think that they can then turn around and sue the bus company and finally get that "million-dollar case" they're always going on about.

I could go on. But I'm boring myself. Stay strong and keep it real. The COD will swim on.

Gion Matsuri

Happy (Thursday, Veer-waar, Panjshanbeh, yawm-al-khamis, Istijlal, dydd Ian, Pungenday). You may or may not feel like drinking today. If you do, I recommend a mojito. Doesn't that sound nice? For those of you inclined towards non-alcoholic beverages, I recommend Puma Kola, it's from Wiscosin and Allie is all about it at the moment. So, the big news at the moment is the economy which is completely tanking. In my opinion we're probably headed towards a severe crash. My solution: do away with NAFTA and bring the manufacturing jobs back to the USofA so that people can work so that they can buy the stuff they're making and afford to live. It seems so simple. But I am no economist and wouldn't even pretend to know what I'm talking about.

In 180 12 inhabitants of Scillium, which is in modern day Tunisia, which is in N.Africa, were executed just for being Christians. This was a crime at one point. In 1203 during the 4th Crusade, the Crusaders conquered Constantinople. They were supposed to be helping the Byzantines but instead pillaged their capital. If you ever study the Crusades you will realize that even though the supposed motives were religiously based, the actual motives were often driven by financial gains of those leading the Crusade. There should be no comparisons drawn between the Crusades and the Iraq war. In 1791 the French National Guard opened fire on a crowd of Jacobins (French revolutionaries) killing 50. In 1856 a train in Ft. Washington, PA crashed killing over 60 people. In 1936 the Spanish Civil War started. In 1944 two ships carrying ammunition exploded in Port Chicago, CA killing 320. That same day the first use of napalm occurred when some US fighters bombed a target in France. In 1981 a walkway at the Hyatt Regency here in KC collapsed killing 114. In 1989 the first B-2 bomber took off which happened to be named the Spirit of Missouri. In 1996 a TWA flight crashed off of Long Island killing 230. And last year a Brazilian flight crashed killing 199.

In South Korea today is Constitution Day. You have the right to eat cats in S. Korea. In Kyoto, Japan today is Gion Matsuri, one of the most famous festivals in Japan. It began as a purification ritual to appease the gods who cause fires and earthquakes. Now it's basically a big parade.

And finally it's the World Day for International Justice. This does not apply to POW's.

Happy Birthday: Phyllis Diller; David "the Hoffenator" Hasselhoff; and Angela Merkel.

Peace out.

The Fighting Camels

Welcome to Hell. Yup, it's Wednesday (Bhud-waar, Chaharshanbeh, Idal, dydd Mercher, Boomtime, Hump Day). It's also the day in which the Islamic calendar began in 622 which is in honor of the "emigration" of Muhammed from Mecca to Medina. That's one way to put it. Or, one could say that the prophet and his followers were driven from Mecca beause the people of Mecca thought they were whackos. Much like the Mormons were driven out of every state they settled in or the Jews were chased out of Egypt. Of course in the mythos of these religons the flight always has some sort of cosmological relevance along with the persecution as a form of divine suffering. Persecution is always proof that god favors you. Suffering is a sure sign of the love of god. Here at the Cheese factory all are loved by god, apparently.

In 1054 a Papal Bull was placed in the Hagia Sophia excommunicating the Patriarch of Constantinople officially beginning the Schism between the Roman and Greek churches. In 1769 San Diego, CA was founded as a Franciscan missionary. In 1782 Mozart's "The Abduction from the Seralgio" was first performed. In 1880 Dr. Emily Stowe became the first woman in Canada licensed to practice medicine. In 1942 the French government ordered the police to round up approximately 20,000 Jews and imprison them. The French however will deny that they had any sort of responsibility in the Holocaust and say they were forced to do bad things by the evil Nazis. Three years later the US detonated the first plutonium based bomb in New Mexico. In 1950 Uruguay defeated Brazil to win the World Cup in what is considered to be one of the biggest upsets in the history of sports. The second biggest was Michigan getting beat by Appalachian State last year. I still can't believe that happened. In 1955 Disneyland opened in Anaheim, CA. In 1965 the Mount Blanc Tunnel opened linking France to Italy. And in 1999 JFK, Jr., his wife, and her sister were all killed when he crashed the plane they were flying in. Turns out they shouldn't have been flying in it and he wasn't properly trained to pilot it. Another Kennedy tragedy...

Happy Birthday: St. Claire of Assisi, who was very close to St. Francis; Mary Baker Eddy, founder of the Christian Scientists, not to be confused with Tom Cruise's whack job religion; Will Farrell- who is funny; Barry Sanders, who was a really great running back; Corey Feldman, who made some great movies; and porn star Jesse Jane.

Enjoy the day...

There shall be no talk of twins

Happy Confuflux! Yes, fellow savants, it is Sweetmorn, Confusion 50, 3174. To celebrate I'd ask that everyone remove their pants and do a happy dance. This is not to be confused with the pee-pee dance. This is sure to send anyone around you not participating into a state of confusion and possibly shock. I would recommend that you not do this around elderly people as it may send them into coronary shock. I do not accept any liability for recommending you do this and must warn you that you may get arrested and quite possibly fired.

That being said, it's also (Tuesday, Mangal-waar, Seshanbeh, yawm-ath-thalatha, Fidal, dydd Mawrth) and that means it must be better than yesterday. For a change there is no rain in the forecast for the KC Metro area and we still have not hit sweltering this summer. At least not yet. I imagine it will happen soon enough. The biggest news in the world right now is that the Pitt-Jolie twins have been born. Did I say twins? This sort of talk must cease.

In 1099 the Crusaders captured the Holy Sepulchre in Jerusalem. In 1240 a Novgorodian army defeated the Swedes at the Battle the Neva. Novgorod is a city in Russia. In 1410 the Teutonic Knights were defeated by the Poles and Lithuanians at the Battle of Grunwald. In 1741 Alexei Chirikov and his crew became the first Europeans to set foot on Alaska. In 1799 the Rosetta Stone was discovered in Egypt. In 1806 Lt. Zebulon Pike (a horrible name) set out from St. Louis to explore the West. In 1823 a fire destroyed the Basilica of St. Paul Outside the Walls in Rome. In 1870 Georgia became the last Confederate state to be re-admitted to the Union. In 1929 the first broadcast of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir radio show was aired. Boring. Five years later Continental Airlines began operations. And in 1997 Gianni Versace was gunned down in Miami. Someone did not like his Spring line.

In ancient Rome today was the festival of Castor and Pollux (Kastor and Polydeukes in Greek). Castor means "beaver" and Polydeukes means "very sweet". These are the twin sons born to Leda who were fathered by Zeus and are represented by the constellation of Gemini. I don't know what the festival entailed but I'm guessing it had nothing to do with Doublemint gum. The discussion of twins needs to stop right now.

Happy Birthday: Juan Ponce de Leon; Rembrandt; Clive Cussler; Joe Satriani; Forest Whitaker; Chi Cheng, of the Deftones; Briggite Nielsen; and John Dolmayan, of System of a Down. I guess that if you were born today you might be prone to having an artistic side, ey?

Enjoy...

Here We Go...

Another week has now begun. That makes today (Monday, Soom-waar, Doshanbeh, yawm-al-ithnayn, Kamal, Dyds Llwn, Setting Orange) unfortunately. I trust everyone's weekend was fabulous. My weekend was a 50-50 split. You really can't complain about that. We are now only a month and a half away from the start of college football. That is something you definitely can't complain about. I am in the process of making my predictions and the results will be forthcoming.

So, in 1223 Louis VIII became King of France. In 1698 the Darien Scheme began when 5 ships left Leith, Scotland for Panama in order to establish a Scottish colony in the New World. This scheme failed miserably due to the weight of the sheep on the Scottish ships. In 1789 the French stormed the Bastille, a prison in Paris. In 1798 the Sedition Act became law which made it illegal to utter false or malicious statments about the US government. Thankfully this law is not persecuted in all cases. In 1933 all parties except the Nazi Party were outlawed in Germany. Ten years later the monument to George Washington Carver in Joplin, MO became the first national monument dedicated to an Africa-American. And in 1969 after Honduras lost to El Salvador in a soccer game a riot broke out.

Gustav Klimt and Woody Guthrie are the only two notable birthdays today.

Today is Bastille Day in France, which is like their 4th of July. Thus, French people everywhere are celebrating all things French. Let's take a moment to ponder what it means to be French... First of all, the French enjoy food and wine, which is admirable. But they also are very snooty and often smell, not so admirable. I can only think of one French band ever that is worth anything, and thus French music on a whole must suck. After Napoleon, the French have more or less proven to be sissies and afraid to fight, even for their own country. They have really been a thorn in the side of the US for some time now and continually try to assert their influence over the rest of Europe. They seem to want to take the lead in European politics but they are not willing to truly participate in international conflicts. Therefore, in my opinion, the French really suck. And that's all I have to say about that.

Enjoy your Monday and try not to get too down about the long week ahead.

The Wheel In the Sky...

Holy Potato Wedges, Batman, it's (Friday, Chukar-waar, Jom'eh, yawm-al-jum'a, Istiqlal, dydd Gwener, Boomtime)! I cannot tell you how incredibly happy I am that this week is over. The soap opera that is the Cheese Factory seems to have subsided somewhat. But the ebb won't last long I'm sure, and soon the shores of our serene island will be once again cluttered with the flotsam of the demise of our rotting hull. If that's not bad enough, gas is soon going to go up even further, and I may have to consider the damn bus afterall...

In 1302 the Flemish defeated the French in the Battle of the Golden Spurs, making today a day of Flemish pride. In 1576 Martin Frobisher sighted Greenland. In 1740 the Jews were expelled from Little Russia, which is now part of the Ukraine. In 1750 Halifax, Nova Scotia burned to the ground. In 1804 in Weehawken, NJ, Vice President Aaron Burr shot Secretary of the Treasury Alexander Hamilton over remarks made at a dinner party. That's some OG shit. In 1859 "A Tale of Two Cities" by Charles Dickens was published. I have never read this, but I have other works by Dickens and I hate him. In 1919 the 8-hour workday became law in the Netherlands. In 1955 the phrase "In God We Trust" was added to US currency. Five years later, "To Kill A Mockingbird" was published and was immediately banned from most public school libraries. I've never read this either. In 1973, the year of my provenance, a Brazilian flight crashed near Paris and killed 123. Five years later a gas truck exploded at a campsite in Spain and killed 216 tourists. Five years after that a Boeing 727 crashed in Ecuador killing 119. In 1991 a Canadian plane crashed in Saudi Arabia killing 261 people who were en route to the Hajj proving once again that God hates this ritual. And two years ago 209 people were killed in terrorist attacks in India.

Today is World Population Day according to the UN due to the fact that on today's date in 1987 the world population hit 5 billion. And that's a lot of people.

In Mongolia today is the start of the Naddam which is the national festival in which competitors vie for supremacy in wrestling, horseracing, and archery. I have included a picture of some Mongolian wrestlers... no comment is necessary.

In China today is National Maritime Day.

Happy Birthday: Robert the Bruce; King Frederick II of Prussia; John Quincy Adams; Yul Brynner; Giorgio Armani; and Lil' Kim.

Enjoy today and the weekend.

Please Shut the F Up

All I can say is that there is only one more day left after today. It's been one of those weeks. So, since it's (Thursday, Veer-waar, Panjshanbeh, yawm-al-khamis, Istijlal, dydd Ian, Sweetmorn), I think we should all go somewhere and sit outside and drink mojitos. Not because I need to, it just sounds good. I should say congrats to the Great Orbs of Pickle Juice for giving birth today. Hopefully all will be well with the bundle of joy. As for the drama in the office, it's gotten to the point of being stupid and not worth the stress that it's causing. Irregardless, I am NOT going to start riding the G-D bus.

In 988 the City of Dublin was founded on the banks of the Liffey which is one of the stankiest rivers I have been around. The whole city smells like a basement full of fish. In 1212 London burnt to the ground. According to Daniel Defoe, London used to stink so bad you could smell it from miles away...In 1584 William I of Orange was assassinated. In 1821 the US took possession of Florida which today smells like cabbage and sun tan lotion. In 1890 Wyoming was admitted into the Union. Wyoming's capital is Cheyenne and the state is named after a Munsee Indian word meaning "at the big river flat". Wyomingites refer to their state as the Equality State and the Cowboy State. Wyoming is the least populous state and therefore is likely the quietest and least stinky. In 1925 Meher Baba, an Indian mystic, began his 44-year long silence. That same day the Scopes Monkey Trial began in Tennessee. And in 1941 the Jedwabne Pogrom occurred in which the Jews of Jedwabne, Poland were massacred.

Today is Independence Day in the Bahamas.

In the NW African nation of Mauritania, which you never hear anything about, today is Armed Forces Day. The capital is Nuakchott and there's about 3 million people who live in this rather large country. Iron ore is its greatest export and most people are employed in either farming or livestock. 99.84% of the country is Muslim.

In ancient Latvia today was Septinu Bralu Diena, or the Day of the Seven Brothers, which was a Catholic feast devoted to seven brothers, Alexander, Vitalis, Martialis, Januarius, Felix, Philip, and Silvanus; who were martyred.

Happy Birthday: King James III of Scotland; John Calvin, the Swiss Reformer; Adolphus Busch; Nikola Tesla; Marcel Proust; Mary McLeod Bethune; Ronnie James Dio; and Arthur Ashe

It is also Silence Day, so please shut the hell up and do some work.

So are the Days of Our Lives

Chaharshanbeh, Tir 19, 1387- at least in Iran, where they've apparently tested a missile that's capable of hitting Israel. How much this effects anything is only known by those who deal in such matters. Probably not all that much. Iran is currently surrounded by the American military which is in Iraq and Afghanistan. And Israel has nukes already and is capable of turning Iran into a wasteland. Time is running out for the Neocons, unless McCain wins, though, so they better do something quickly if they really want to further their warmongering.

In other parts of the world it's Hump Day. Thank goodness. If it was only Tuesday, I might have to strangle someone. And as I'm sure you know that makes today also (Wednesday, Bhud-waar, yawm-al-arba'a, Idal, dydd Mercher, Setting Orange). In honor of today, I ask that you turn up for your favorite song, sing aloud so all can hear, and annoy the hell out of your co-workers.

In 1540 Henry VIII annulled his marriage with his 4th wife Anne of Cleaves. In 1793 the importation of slaves into Canada was prohibited. You could still export them, but the demand for Canadian slaves has never been high because they're so, well, Canadian. In 1850 President Zachary "old rough and ready" Taylor died of acute gastroenteritis making Millard Fillmore president. In 1868 the 14th Amendement was ratified granting African Americans full citizenship unless they lived in the South where they remained second-class citizens for nearly 100 years. In 1918 a train wreck in Nashville killed 101. In 1979 a carbomb killed two Nazi-hunters in France and was allegedly claimed to be carried out by ODESSA. Whether or not ODESSA actually exists is disputed. But it's supposedly an underground organization of former members of the Nazi SS led by none other than Dr. Evil. In 1982 a Pan Am flight crashed in Louisiana killing 146. In 1984 God struck the York Minster with a lightning bolt. In 1986 homosexuality was legalized in New Zealand. And in 2006 a Sibir Airlines flight crashed in Siberia killing 122.

In ancient Rome today was the Caprotinia in honor of Juno Caprotina and was primarily celebrated by female slaves who ran about beating themselves with fists and rods, naked of course, at least as I'd like to recall it.

In Argentina it's Independence Day.

And in the island nation of Palau, located in the Pacific Ocean near the Philippines, today is Constitution Day. The capital is Melekeok and there's about 21,000 people who live in this country. 75% of the population is Christian and the major industry is tourism. Two seasons of the TV show Survivor have been filmed there. I have neither been to Palau nor watched Survivor.

Enjoy the day. If you get the chance to hump something or somone it will be better for you and hopefully for the subject (or object) being humped. In New Zealand that person can legally be of the same gender...enjoy.

Deus vult

Yeah, God wills it. That was the motto of the First Crusade. I don't know if that applies to the fact that it's (Tuesday, Mangal-waar, Seshanbeh, yawm-ath-thalatha, Fidal, dydd Mawrth, Prickle-Prickle). I don't know that once the ball's rolling it could be any other way. It's not like we could just skip today and make it tomorrow. Some would say that if "deus vult"... But, why would he (or she)? What's the point? There is none and it's probably pointless to even question it. Those guys on the first Crusade believed that they were being moved by a greater Power. Of course a lot of this had to do with the accusation of weatlh, but if you want to call that a divine calling, then so be it. It's sort of like Bush carrying the flag of the Conservatives with the underlying purpose of making all his oil buddies wealthy beyond measure. Some will question the success of Bush's Presidency, but it won't be the oil people.

In 1497 Vasco da Gama set sail for India. In 1099 15,000 starving Crusaders marched around Jerusalem in a religious procession. These millites Christi, or "soldiers of Christ", eventually conquered the holy city and killed everyone that was not a Christian, and probably some who were. In 1663 Charles II gave John Clarke a royal charter for settling the colony of Rhode Island. In 1889 the Wall Street Journal was first published. I have never once read this newspaper. In 1947 reports were broadcast that a UFO had landed in Roswell, New Mexico. In 1999 Allan Lee Davis was the last person to be executed in the electric chair in Florida. And in 2003 a Sudan Airways flight crashed killing 116 people.

It's obviously gone completely insane here at the Cheese Factory... The mood has gone from shock to anger very quickly.... More news at eleven.

This blog is NOT about Shrek

Good lord, it's Hump Day. And for me, it's the last day I'll be at work this week. PTL! That being said, it's once again raining. But I don't care. So, on this wonderful (Wednesday, Bhud-waar, Chaharshanbeh, yawm-al-arba'a, Idal, dydd Mercher, Pungenday), please be grateful for all that you have and thankful that we have a long weekend upcoming. The Cheese Factory is even closed on Monday due to the fact that we're having a new server installed, so my weekend will be longer than most. Yeah, I'm gloating.

Alright, so, in 963 the Byzantine army proclaimed Nicephorous Phocas to be Emperor of the Romans outside of Cappadocian Caesarea. In 1698 Thomas Savery patented the steam engine. In 1777 Vermont became the first US territory to abolish slavery. Those progressive New Englanders. In 1839 53 slaves took over the ship La Amistad which then turned into a big ol' international bugaboo. Then the whole thing was made into a movie by Spielberg. In 1850 the gas mask was patented by Benjamin Lane. In 1917 48 people died in a race riot in E. St. Louis, IL. In 1937 Amelia Earhart, from KS, disappeared over the Pacific. I think people are still looking for her. In 1962 the first Wal-Mart opened in Rogers, Arkansas. Two years later LBJ signed the Civil Rights Act of 1964. In 1990 a stampede broke out in a pedestrian tunnel in Mecca during the hajj and 1426 people died. I don't understand how the human species can evolve when people are still dying in stampedes. And it's not like it doesn't happen every year. Every year during the hajj there's a stampede and every year a bunch of people are crushed to death. Get some dang sheep dogs to herd these idiots already. And, lastly, six years ago Steve Fossett became the first person to fly around the world in a ballon alone. Why you would want to do this is beyond me. I would think that you would get lonely and I also think that you'd get bored. Not to mention the fact that you'd probably get hungry and it would likely be for something that you had no chance in hell of getting without stopping, like chicken McNuggets. This is why I will never be successful as an adventurer.

So, today is the Palio in Siena, Italy. I'd love to see this once in my life.

It is also the Feast of the Visitation which has nothing to do with aliens apparently. It is actually when Mary visited Elizabeth who was pregnant with John the Baptist. Apparently they were 1st cousins. I've attached a copy of the beginning of a Medieval text of the Magnificat, or the Song of Mary.

Happy Birthday: Dave Thomas, founder of Wendy's; Imelda Marcos, who really liked shoes; Vincente Fox, the only Mexican President I could name; Jose Canseco, who took steroids and played the baseball; and my sister, Katie, who's the best sister ever, hands down.

Enjoy the day and the weekend. And please remember what it means to be an American... and if you come up with something that's interesting please tell me about it.

Quintillis

Welcome to July. Hard to believe it's already here. But it is. And it's also (Tuesday, Mangal-waar, Seshanbeh, yawm-ath-thalatha, Fidal, dydd Mawrth, Boomtime). At one point in all of our lives July was a great month, Summer vacation was really starting to get rolling, there was still over a month left of it before school began again. I miss those carefree days when all you had to worry about was...nothing. And now? It's just another day much like any other day. The weather's warmer today than others and the sun is shining. But I'm sitting at my desk at work and it could be any other day.

In 251 the Goths defeated the Romans at the Battle of Abrittus. In 1097 the Crusaders defeated the Seljuks at the Battle of Dorylaeum. In 1520 an Aztec army defeated some Conquistadors. In 1569 the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth was formed. The motto of this rather large country was Si Deus Nobiscum Quis Contra Nos, or "If God is with us, then who's against us". Sounds like good ol' GW. Funny how progressive the worldview of our leaders have become, ey? In 1863 the Battle of Gettysburg began. In 1870 the US Dept. of Justice was formed. In 1881 the first international phone call took place b/t the US and Canada. In 1916 during WWI 20,000 British troops died in one day. That's incredible. And we freak out everytime one soldier dies in Iraq or Afghanistan. We've become so weak. In 1931 United Airlines began service. In 1963 Zip codes came into use. ZIP is an acronym for Zone Improvement Plan, never knew that. Three years later the first color tv show was broadcast in Canada. In 1972 the first gay pride march in England occurred. In 1979 Sony introduced the Walkman. I saw a guy with a Walkman the other day and I thought it was funny. Now it's IPods and MP3's, smaller than a cell phone. Walkmans were so clunky, but damn they were so cool at the time... In 1980 "O Canada" became the official national anthem up north replacing God Save the Queen. In 1984 the PG-13 rating came into effect which still makes no sense to me. In 2002 a Bashkirian Airlines flight collided with a German cargo plane killing 71 people. And last year smoking was banned in all indoor public places in England.

Today is Canada Day. No one cares.

It is Republic Day in Ghana, which means "warrior king". The capital of this W. African nation is Accra and there are 23 million people who live in the country. 63% are Christian and the major exports are gold, timber, cocoa, and diamonds.

Happy Birthday: Estee Lauder; Sydney Pollack; David Duke; Dan Akroyd, Canadian; Princess Diana; Pamela Anderson; Missy Elliott; and ultra-hot Liv Tyler, meow. Yeah, I said it.

Have a good day and Happy July (and Canada Day).