St. Tib's Day

Today only comes once every four years. You would think that every four years, today would be a holiday. I mean seriously every other holiday happens once a year. But to have an extra day in the calendar once every four years seems like a perfect excuse to have a party. Apparently today is necessary in order to make the solar calendar more accurate. With most things created by humans it's still not totally accurate and if you actually took the time to measure time based on the sun, the average year is actually 11 minutes longer than a solar year. But who's counting?

That being said, today is, thank god, Friday (Chukar-waar, Jom'eh, yawm-al-jum'a, Istiqlal). The Discordian calendar inserts a holyday into their calendar making today St. Tib's Day. Don't ask, because I have no idea. But I'm sure it's completely meaningless and something you should concentratre very hard on.

As today only occurs once every four years, the likelihood of stuff happening on today's date is not very good. In 1504 Christopher Columbus used his cunning knowledge of science to convince some Indians to give him supplies. This is why you should pay attention in astronomy class instead of smoking pot in the basement of the Physics-Astronomy Building before each lecture. That way if you are ever stranded in a tropical location, you can convince the natives that you can find dirty pictures in the sky by connecting random stars together. In 1704 French and Indian forces killed 100 men, women, and children near Deerfield, MA during Queen Anne's War. That's a war we seldom hear about in American History classes. I've heard of Queen Anne's lace, but didn't know she had a war too. In 1892 St. Petersburg, FL was incoroporated. In 1916 S. Carolina raised the minimum child labor age from 12-14. Yes, you read that right, 12-year olds used to have to work in the US. In 1940 Hattie McDaniel became the first African-American to win an Oscar. In 1960 an earthquake in Morocco killed over 3000. And in 1996 a Peruvian Boeing 737 crashed killing 123.

For our Baha'i friends we're now into the 4th day of Ayyam-i-Ha. Ha! Ha! Ha!

Yesterday was quite possibly one of the better days I've had, all things considered. Clutch was awesome, I'm mobile, and I got to share all of it with my best friend (and then some).

Enjoy your weekend. I'll be somewhere in the Metro trying to figure out my next two projects.

Kalevala Day

And down the slippery slope we've begun. I know, I got a late start to this (Thursday, Veer-waar, Panjshanbeh, yawm-al-khamis, Istijlal, Prickle-Prickle). I spent my morning purchasing a vehicle. It's very liberating to buy a car when you've not had one for nearly three months. But I may as well have been at the Blue Oyster Bar with a sing on my ass that reads, "Free-4-All. BYOL." (If you can't figure out what the "L" stands for, I'm not going to tell you.)

Seeing as how I am supposed to be in a meeting that has yet to start, this may be a reader's digest version of the daily. In 1710 the Swedes beat the Danes at the Battle of Helsingborg. In 1784 John Wesley chartered the Methodist Church. The Methodists believe in enthusiastic congregational singing and stress missionary work. Often combining the two is the reason for missionaries getting kidnapped and murdered in 3rd world countries. Most white people cannot sing. In 1787 the University of Pittsburgh was chartered. The mascot is the Panthers. In 1827 the Baltimore & Ohio Railroad was incorporated becoming the first railroad to carry both people and freight. In 1849 the steamboat SS California arrived in San Francisco 4 months and 21 days after leaving NYC. Can you imagine being stuck on a boat for nearly five months just to get accross the country? I thought Greyhound was horrible. In 1850 the University of Utah opened; mascot: Utes, as in "the two utes". In 1861 Colorado became a US Territory. In 1885 AT&T was incorporated. In 1935 nylon was invented. Matching sweatsuits for retirees followed shortly after. In 1940 the televised basketball game was played featuring the Fordham Rams vs. the aforementioned Pittsburgh Panthers. In 1958 26 children died when their school bus slammed into a tow truck and then plunged down an embankment into the Leviska Fork River in Kentucky. This is the worst school bus accident ever. In 1993 the Branch Davidian standoff began in Waco, TX. And in 2005 a suicide bomber killed 127 police recruits in Al Hillah, Iraq.

Today is as implied by the title Kalevala Day in Finland. The Kalevala is a 19th-century epic poem written in Finnish by Elias Lonnrot. Finnish people around the globe are celebrating their rich cultural heritage today by doing Finnish stuff like skiing, eating pickled herring, and drinking vodka. One of the characters in the Kalevala is named Kullervo and he is known to go berserker. Berserkers were Viking warriors who wore coats of wolf or bear skin and went into uncontrollable trancelike rages known as berserkergang.

Happy Birthday to: Mario Andretti; John Turturro; and Rae Dawn Chong

Enjoy the day; tonight is for Clutch- the greatest rock band ever!!!!!!!!!!

Droopy

Good morning. It's the middle of the week, a.k.a., (Wednesday, Bhud-waar, Chaharshanbeh, yawm-al-arba'a, Idal, Pungenday). We're nearly at the summit, and like our good friend Prometheus, that bolder is seemingly growing heavier and heavier. I was reminded last night that donuts are a thing of beauty and damn it if I wouldn't kill for a crueller.

In 1812 Lord Byron, the famous poet, gave his first address as a member of the House of Lords. I wonder if it rhymed. In 1861 Polish protesters in Warsaw were fired upon by Russian troops, six Polacks died. In 1939 sit-down strikes were outlawed by the US Supreme Court. If you want to strike, you must do so standing up. In 1940 carbon-14 was discovered which is used in carbon dating. Many fundamentalist Christians and Muslims hate carbon dating because it goes against their limited capacity to understand that the Bible may not be historically accurate. In 1943 an explosion at Smith Mine #3 in Montana killed 74 miners. In 1951 the 22nd Amendment was ratified limiting Presidents to two terms. This is a good thing because I cannot imagine another four years of President Dummy. In 1973 the American Indian Movement occupied Wounded Knee, South Dakota. During the '70's American Indians were out of control and a big problem. To solve this problem, the US Government allowed them to open casinos and make big time cheddar. Confucius say: Throw money at angry people, they will soon forget they are angry. In 1974 People Magazine was published for the first time. The obsession with celebrities soon followed which gives Americans something to talk about and celebrities an inflated sense of importance. In 2002 a Muslim mob killed 59 Hindu pilgrims in India. Muslims do not just hate Americans and Jews, they hate everyone who is non-Muslim. To prove my point, an Islamic terrorist group bombed a superferry in the Philippines in 2004 killing 116. And as Droopy says, "You know what? That makes me mad."

In ancient Rome today was the Equirria, a horse race in honor of the god of war Mars. It was a purification festival honoring the military and celebrating the end of winter. A scapegoat was driven out of the city, but strangely nothing was sacrificed.

It is the second day of Ayyam-i-Ha. So, Ha!

In the Dominican Republic today is National Day. This country lies on the eastern half of Hispaniola and its capital is Santo Domingo. There are about 9.8 million people who live there and most of them work in either farming, mining, or the tourism industry. Most people play baseball and are Catholic. I don't know if there is a correlation between baseball and the god Cathol, but it'd make an interesting paper, if you were so inclined to write a paper.

In Russia today is the start of Malenitsa, a.k.a., Cheesefare Week, Butter Week, or Pancake Week). This is making me hungry. Basically it's a celebration of the end of winter and the last week before Lent. In other words it's a big party and everyone eats pancakes and drinks vodka. There's nothing better than washing down a stack of blueberry pancakes with a nice bottle of vodka. That's a good breakfast!!

Enjoy the Day of Hump. Please refrain from drinking vodka until after you have finished your pancakes. "Everything in excess! To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites."

Cold Blows

"Cold blows the wind over my true love, cold blows the drops of rain..."

Once again on this (Tuesday, Mangal-waar, Seshanbeh, yawm-ath-thalatha, Boomtime) the weather has taken a sharp turn and it is windy and cold. I was thinking this morning as I was standing in my garage watching the weird old bearded sow across the street clean his windows off with a towel while wearing shorts (I've only seen him wear shorts and am not sure he owns any pants), that this has been a brutal winter for much of the US of A. We're all due for some nice weather.

If you were thinking to yourself, "God it's been awhile since I've heard a good palindrome," I've got the most famous one for you right here today, brothers and sisters: Able was I ere I saw Elba. As I sure you know, a palindrome is a phrase that is spelled the same in either direction. The Greeks referred to this as karikinike epigraphe, or "crab inscription". This reminds me of something my granpa used to tell me, "Crabs on your plate are always better than crabs in your pants."

And speaking of Elba, in 1815 Napoleon Bonaparte espcaped from that island where he had been imprisoned. In 1863 Abraham Lincoln signed the National Banking Act into law. In 1870 the first pneumatic-subway opened in NYC. In 1897 Sigma Pi fraternity was founded at Vincennes University, which is the oldest public college in the extremely dull state of Indiana. Their mascot is the Trailblazers. In 1917 the first jazz album was recorded. Two years later the Grand Canyon was established as a National Park. Grand Teton National Park was then established in 1929. In 1970 NPR was incorporated as a non-profit organization which is why they have those incredibly annoying fund raisers a couple times per year which make you want to commit suicide. In 1972 a dam burst in West Virginia resulting in a flood which killed 125 people. In 1991 Tim Berners-Lee introduced the WorldWideWeb. Without the www we would have nothing. We would be helpless. Praise god for the www and the gift of free porn. In 1993 a truck bomb exploded at the World Trade Center in NYC killing 6 and injuring over a 1000. In 2001 the Taliban destroyed two giant Buddha statues in Afghanistan because they thought they looked like fat Americans. One of the things the terrorists hate most is obesity. They are very health conscious those terrorists. And in 2004 the US lifted the travel ban to Libya, which used to be a terrorist haven. Now anyone can go to Libya and enjoy whatever it is one might enjoy in Libya.

For our Baha'i friends today is not only Fidal but also the first Ayyam-i-Ha. All day you will hear people walking around saying, "Ha!" for apparently no reason. Do not be afraid. Just say, "Ha!" back and you will be rewarded with strange looks and a muffin.

It is Savior's Day for the Nation of Islam in commemoration of the birth of its founder Wallace Fard Muhammad who they believe was Allah incarnate and the savior of the black race. In other words, it's like Christmas minus the cards, decorations, music, and the fact that no one knows who the hell Wallace Fard Muhammad was or what he did that was so Allah-like. It is assumed that he was born in New Zealand and that his parents came from Hawaii. This sounds like Barrack Obama... one difference is that WFM served a stint in the pokey for drug trafficking while Barack went to Harvard. I guess if Allah was to reappear on earth he would get busted for selling crack and go to prison. This makes sense in that the Taliban are all super Muslims and they sell heroin. And if Barrack Obama is Wallace Fard Muhammad incarnate, then maybe he will legalize drugs which will then take the profit out of illegal drug sales and thus reduce the criminalization of the urban poor (who will then have to look for some other illegal avenue in order to make fast money).

It is Liberation Day in Kuwait which is a Muslim nation but does not condone the selling or using of drugs.

Happy Birthday: Victor Hugo, dead frog who wrote Les Miserables; German-born Levi Strauss; Buffalo Bill; Herbert Henry Dow, after whom everything in Midland, MI is named; Jackie Gleason; Fats Domino- "I found my thril, on Blueberry Hill" (blueberries have a warm place in my heart); Johnny Cash; Michael Bolton; and Erykah Badu.

"Kill two birds with one stone. Feed the homeless to the hungry."

And the weiner is...

Apparently last night the Oscars were awarded. Seeing as how I have no television (well, I have an object which is called a television but it is apparently incapable of receiving external signals), I did not watch the awards show. From what I can gather from the frontpage of MSN, No Country for Old Men won big. This is the first movie that has come out in quite a while that I actually want to see. Of course I haven't seen it because I refuse to go to the movie theater and get ass-raped. My ignorance of pop culture has been pointed out to me repeatedly of late. FTS. I don't care what Bradgelina ate for dinner last night. Unless you've got pictures of some famous startlet accidentally flashing a pantiless crotch shot, I don't give a rat's ass about celebrities.

That being said, welcome to the beginning of a new week. That would make today (Monday, Soom-waar, Doshanbeh, yawm-al-ithnayn, Kamal, Sweetmorn). Regardless of what you want to call it, it blows. At least it's not freezing any longer. But just wait until tomorrow because it's going to get cold again. This winter is killing me. The only thing I can say is that I'm glad I'm not a Kurd because the Turks are attacking them, and it rhymes with turd.

So, in 1570 Pope Pius V excommunicated Queen Elizabeth I- as played by Cate Blanchett. Seeing as how I haven't seen either Elizabeth movie, I have no idea if anyone played the pope. In 1793 George Washington held the first Cabinet meeting. In 1797 the last invasion of Britain occurred when Colonel William Tate (and Irish-American) and 1400 French troops landed at Fishguard, Wales. As expected, the French surrendered when women wielding pitchforks surrounded them. Not a shot was fired. I don't even know how French men can look at themselves in the mirror. In 1836 Samuel Colt received a patent for the Colt revolver. In 1837 Thomas Davenport received a patent for an electric motor. In 1870 Hiram Rhodes Revels of Mississippi became the first African-American to sit in the US Congress. In 1901 JP Morgan incorporated US Steel Corporation. In 1919 Oregon became the first state to levy a gas tax, bastards. In 1932 Adolf Hitler became a naturalized citizen of Germany, he was born an Austrian. In 1933 the USS Ranger became the first custom-built aircraft carrier. In 1991 an Iraqi scud missile hit a US Army barracks in Saudi Arabia killing 28 reservists. The following year Armenian troops killed over 600 Azerbaijani civilians. In 1994 Dr. Baruch Goldstein opened fire on a Palestinian crowd at the Mosque of Abraham in the West Bank killing 29 worshippers. You don't hear about Jewish terrorists too often. I'm sure this has nothing to do with any media biases.

In Kuwait today is National Day. In this oil rich nation whose capital is Kuwait City there are over 3.1 million people. Over two million of these are non-nationals. Kuwait has the 5th largest oil reserves in the world and is the 4th richest nation. In 1990 Iraq invaded Kuwait and instead of taking care of business then when we had the chance and the support of the entire world, we backed off and allowed Saddam to remain in power, more or less setting ourselves up for the failure we're involved in now. Hindsight is 20/20...

Today is also "Let's All Eat Right Day". So, please eat something that is good for you.

Happy Birthday: my second favorite author, Anthony Burgess; former Beatle, George Harrison (RIP); Tea Leoni, nice legs; and Spanish singer Julio Iglesias.

Enjoy the day and remember: "Beyond good and evil lies North Dakota."

Pungenday, Chaos 53, 3174

Can it possibly be Friday (Chukar-waar, Jom'eh, yawm-al-jum'a, Istiqlal)? According the Tom Cruise it is. And we all know that he will sooner or later be our leader and protect us against the evils of drug addiction and the lies of psychoanalysis. And while Tom Cruise is great, and one of the best actors ever, he cannot shoot down a spy satellite. You know who can? The United States Navy can. They are protecting the world from toxic fuel by blowing the satellite up in the atmosphere which seems like it would put the fuel into the atmosphere and poison the air. I'm guessing there's secrets on that satellite they don't want people to find. More than likely the government has been using spy satellites to obtain secret sex videos of celebrities which they then distribute to the media. I bet they also have secret sex videos of world leaders and politicians which they use as blackmail. They would not distribute these to the media because no one wants to see John McCain getting it on, let alone Nancy Pelosi. It's one of those "just in case" things. So, the government's secret stash of hidden sex tapes is now dust in the wind. That makes me think of a song...

In 1632 Galileo's Dialogue Concerning the Two Chief World Systems was published. There was no mention of either Microsoft or Starbucks in this dialogue so obviously Galileo was a moron. In 1819 Spain sold Florida to the US for $5 million. I guess that's a pretty good deal. The problem is that Florida sucks donkey balls. It is hot and covered with trailer parks. There are far too many old people and the entire state smells like sweaty cabbage. (Unless you are in South Beach and then it smells like Dolce & Gabana after a wild night at a Russian bath house.) In 1879 the first Woolworth store opened in Utica, NY. Woolworth used to be a staple of Americana and has gone the way of some many worthwhile things...although I'm having trouble thinking of any at the moment. In 1889 North Dakota, South Dakota, Montana, and Washington were all admitted as states. In 1920 the first imitation rabbits were used at dog racing tracks. The rabbit union unanimously voted to strike. The dogs were somewhat indifferent and approved the deal on condition that someone would just pet them once in awhile. In 1923 the US Postal Service began its first transcontinental air mail route. The following year Calvin Coolidge became the first US President to deliver a radio address from the White House. In 1943 members of the White Rose Society, a pasicfist group, were executed by the Nazi government for treason. In 1997 Scottish scientists cloned a sheep and called her Dolly. Four days later it was confirmed that boning a cloned sheep is exactly the same as a normal sheep. Scottish people were relieved and unanimously approved the use of cloned sheep for shagging. And two years ago Britain's largest bank robbery occurred when thieves stole over $90 million from a bank in Kent.

What somepeople call getting kidnapped by the police, most people call getting arrested.

In the Carribean island nation of St. Lucia, today is Independence Day. The capital of St. Lucia is Castries and there are about 161,000 people who live on the island. It is a member of the Commonwealth and so they worship the Queen of England. St. Lucia has the highest ratio of Nobel Prize laureates in respect to population. Odd fact. 70% of the nation are Roman Catholics and most are of African descent. Despite the fact that no one ever hears about this country, Britain and France fought 14 wars over this island in the 18th and 19th centuries.

Happy Birthday: King Charles VII of France (dead); George Washington (dead); Ted Kennedy (drunk); Julius "Dr. J." Erving; Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Irwin (crikey-dead); James "you're beautiful" Blunt; and Drew Barrymore.

Enjoy your Friday and the weekend. And remember, "The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity."

Mother Nature Hates Me

Good god it's nasty outside. I'm so sick of this freaking winter. You wake up expecting a normal (Thursday, Veer-waar, Panjshanbeh, yawm-al-khamis, Istijlal, Boomtime) and the phone call comes saying that the Cheese Factory is opening late due to poor road conditions. First of all, in Missouri ever road is in poor condition. I thought Michigan was bad, but Missouri takes the cake in that department. Add any form of precipitation to the roadways and they become deadly. On the roads you will find some of the worst drivers in the nation in a rabid state of panic. FTS. I just want Mother Nature to get off the rag.

In 1543 an army of heroic Ethiopians and Portuguese defeated a Muslim army at the Battle of Wayna Daga. In 1743 Handel's oratorio Samson debuted in London. An oratorio is somewhat like an opera but is simply intended as a concert piece, whereas an opera is a theatrical production. In 1804 the first self-propelled locomotive debuted at Pen-y-Darren, Wales. In 1842 John Greenough received the first US patent for the sewing machine. In 1848 Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels published the Communist Manifesto. Shortly thereafter the phrase "commie bastard" became popular in all freedom loving nations. One thing we learned from the Cold War is that god hates Communists. In fact god hates a lot of people, but Communists are right up there with Muslims, Satanists, Mormons, and gays. (This is according to School Board of Kansas and is not a reflection of the views of this author.) Thirty years later the first telephone book was issued in New Haven, CT. In 1885 the Washington Monument was dedicated. The American press issued a statement to the rest of the world that it was in no way compensation for any shortcomings American men might feel. In 1893 Thomas Edison got two more patents. In 1907 125 people died when the SS Berlin sank. In 1925 The New Yorker published its first issue. In 1948 NASCAR was incorporated- giving rednecks a reason to get together and drink heavily for 60 years. Ten years later the peace symbol was designed. Some people say it's Satanic as it's a broken cross, and inverted it is actually a symbol used by both a Satanic group and a white supremicist organization. In 1965 Malcolm X was assassinated in New York City by members of the Nation of Islam, a group that Malcom X propelled into the forefront of the Civil Rights movement. Some would say that the CIA was involved but we all know that our government would never involve itself in the assassination of its own citizens. In 1971 the Convention of Pyschotropic Substances was signed in Vienna. God I could use some psychotropic substances right now. And in 1973 an Israeli fighter jet shot down a Libyan Airlines flight killing 103 people. I have no idea why Arabs hate Israel, it just doesn't make any sense.

Today is International Mother Language Day. Everyone should talk like their mother today. In fact I think you should call your mother and tell her that you love her and that appreciate her giving you the gift of life and not leaving you in a trash can at McDonald's or inside a car for countless hours on a hot summer day. Babies are small and are easy to misplace, sort of like car keys. So you should thank you mom for not losing you.

Happy Birthday: Anais Nin; WH Auden; Nina Simone; David Geffen; Kelsey Grammer; author of Fight Club, et al., Chuck Palahniuk; my favorite author, David Foster Wallace; William Baldwin; Jennifer Love Hewitt (who to my knowledge has still not set those puppies free); and Welsh singer Charlotte Church.

Enjoy your Thursday. It's nearly Friday and because Missouri is hell and has frozen over pigs will soon be flying and fat ladies singing everywhere. One great big whompadilly, I tell ya.

Don't Just Stand There...

Praise ten pound four ounce baby Jesus it's Hump Day! Some will call it (Wednesday, Bhud-waar, Chaharshanbeh, yawm-al-arba'a, Idal, Sweetmorn). Regardless of what you call it, it's the middle of week. Here in the Arctic tundra of KC all seems to be quiet. I have to say that this bitter cold is unacceptable. FTS. I don't know if it's stupidity or dedication, but it takes a strong will to go outside and smoke an entire cigarette on a day like this.

It has come to my attention that it is impolite to bust a grumpy in an elevator.

Today is one of the most boring days on the calendar it seems. In 1792 the United States Post Office was established. In 1816 Rossini's opera The Barber of Seville debuted. In 1835 Concepcion, Chile was destroyed by an earthquake. I've never been in an earthquake, but I can't imagine it's a lot of fun. I imagine it'd seem as if you were stuck in a cocktail shaker and god was attempting to make the world's best martini. In 1872 the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York opened. In 1862 John Glenn became the first American to orbit the earth. And in 1987 a bomb mailed by the Unabomber exploded in a computer store in Salt Lake City. First thing to know about the Unabomber is that he is of Polish descent. Secondly, he went to the University of Michigan. And, lastly, he was a mathematician. If you put these three things together, and plug them into the super computer down there at Shawnee Mission Public Schools, you will come up with a profile of an insane person who randomly mails explosives and winds up living in a cabin in Idaho.

Excuse me, I just busted a grumpy.

Happy Birthday to the painter Ansel Adams; film director Robert Altman, who directed Popeye, which is highly underrated and what I like to think of as a bizarre aprhodisiac; Sidney Poitier; Charles Barkley; and super model and Northwestern graduate (just feel weird saying that) Cindy Crawford.

Enjoy the day. It's never too cold to do the the humpty, but I do believe my skin's all bumpy, and if you eat enough chilli and drink too much beer, it's very likely you'll bust a grumpy.

Fidel Castro's Twin Sister

Hola. It is (Tuesday, Mangal-waar, Seshanbeh, yawm-ath-thalatha, Fidal, Setting Orange). With great joy I can pass on the new that Fidel Castro has stepped down as dictator of Cuba. With not so much joy, I can announce that his twin sister has taken over as office manager at the good ol' Cheese Factory. After carefully examining the efficiency of the office after two whole days on the job, our new regent has determined that the Cheese needs some new flavors. FTS!! "The revolution will not be televised."

There is a good chance that the trade embargo with Cuba will soon be lifted making Cuban cigars legal again.

In 197 Roman Emperor Septimus Severus defeated the usurper Clodius Albinus at the Battle of Lugdunum in what was the bloodiest battle between Roman armies. In 1674 England and the Netherlands signed the Treatey of Westminster which transferred control of New Amsterdam to the English who renamed it New York. In 1807 former Vice President Aaron Burr was arrested on charges of treason. In 1852 the Phi Kappa Psi fraternity was founded at Jefferson College in Pennsylvania. The panty raids began immediately. In 1864 the Knights of Pythias was established in Washington, D.C. Notable members of the Order have been Warren G. Harding and FDR. There are approximately 50,000 Pythian Knights who are charged with killing dragons and irradicating injustice. In 1878 Thomas Edison patented the phonograph. In 1881 Kansas became the first state to prohibit all alcoholic beverages. There is something severely wrong with Kansas. Why does beer sold at grocery stores have a lower alcohol content? That don't make sense. In 1942 the Pythian Knight, FDR, signed executive order 9066 ordering all Japanese-Americans into internment camps, which were NOT the same thing as concentration camps. They were two completely different things as designated by the definition of the terms. It's all about the nuances of the language my friends. In 1953 Georgia approved the first literature censorship board in the US in an attempt to be even more conservative than Kansas. In 1985 an Iberia Airlines flight crashed into Moutnt Oiz killing 148 people. In 1986 the USSR launched the Space Station Mir which was the first space station in space and made America's space program look lame.

Today is the Discordian Holyday Chaoflux. Please take a moment of silence in honor of Chaos which is the principle that guides all human life. It is also the first day of the astrological sign Pisces which is generally considered to be a negative/feminine sign. I tried to add an image relating to Pisces but I must be a moron and couldn't do it.

Happy Birthday to: the smartest Polack ever, Nicolaus Copernicus; Smokey Robinson (from Michigan); Tony Iommi (of Black Sabbath); Jeff Daniels (who grew up in Michigan); Seal (who was abducted by aliens); Justine Bateman (where are you now?); and Benicio del Toro (who is a great actor).

Enjoy Tuesday and remember: "When she decided it's your turn to get reamed, all you can do is bend over and pray for lube. Struggle causes pain."

Presidents' Day

Welcome to hell, a.k.a, Monday. In Iran today is Doshanbeh, Bahman 29, 1386. In Iraq, Yawm-al-ithnayn, Safar 10, 1429. In the imaginary world of Discordia, Prickle-Prickle, Chaos 49, 3174. Despite the fact that it's Presidents' Day, which means federal and state employees and those who work in banks and for the post office do not have to work today, the Cheese Factory is still running strong. Because man (and woman) cannot live on bread alone, people need cheese to put on their bread and someone has to make the damn cheese. It must be melted cheese or I won't eat it. This requires some sort of melting device such as an oven or open fire. Unfortunately it's not a good idea to have an open fire in a law office due to the amount of paper. This place would go up like a tinder box. And I do not trust that the Scarritt Building has a sprinkler system that is worth much of anything. The damn elevators don't even work for more than two days in a row. I am not bitter.

Fortunately we live in a country where anyone can go out and buy a gun and then take the gun into a crowded lecture hall and open fire on your classmates. Nothing like blowing a little steam off. Apparently the shooter may have had a dark side- no shit. What geniuses does MSN have writing for them? You're not going to see Richard Simmons walking into his gym one day and opening fire on his clients. He's like the happiest guy in the whole world.

Anyway, In 3102 BCE Lord Krishna is believed (by Hare Krisnas and Hindus) to have left the planet. I'm not sure they specify where he went to, but I'm guessing it wasn't the Great Wal-Mart in the sky. In 1229 Holy Roman Emperor Frederick II signed a ten year-truce with al-Kamil regaining control of Jerusalem, Nazareth, and Bethlehem. This was part of the Sixth Crusade and the Pope did not approve of this peaceful method as Popes liked to see blood spilled in the name of the cross. In 1841 the first ongoing filibuster in the US Senate began and lasted until March 11. In 1861 Jefferson Davis was inaugurated as President of the Confederate States of America in Montgomery, AL. Happy Presidents' Day, Mr. Davis. In 1885 Mark Twain's Adventures of Huckleberry Finn was published. I am pretty sure that everyone was forced to read that book, weren't they? In 1929 the first Academy Awards were announced. In 1930 Elm Farm Ollie became the first cow to fly in an airplane and also the first cow to be milked in an airplane. Please, god, tell me there was never a second cow milked in an airplane. In 1954 the first Church of Scientology opened for business in Los Angeles. Now they're everywhere. I hate you Tom Cruise. In 1972 the death sentence in California was ruled by that state's Supreme Court to be invalid. In 1979 snow fell in the Sahara Desert for the first and so far only time in history. In 1983 13 people were killed in the worst robbery-motivated mass murder ever in Seattle. In 1991 the IRA bombed both Victorian and Paddington Stations in London. In 2001 Dale Earnhardt was killed in the Daytona 500. After 9/11 and Pearl Harbor this was the saddest day for rednecks ever. In 2003 about 200 people died in subway fire in South Korea. The fire was set on purpose by a man upset because the grocery store ran out of pickled cats' feet. And in 2005 fox hunting was banned in the UK. Wealthy British were very upset by this as they had nowhere to wear those funny red fox-hunting outfits any longer.

In The Gambia today is Independence Day. In this western African nation, whose capital is Banjul, most people are Muslim, speak English, and rely on subsistence farming. The Gambia is the smallest African nation and only has a population of 1.5 million. Peanuts are the largest cash crop. In Alex Haley's novel Roots, the narrator apparently traces his ancestry back to The Gambia. I cannot confirm this as I've never read the book.

Birthdays: Queen Mary I of England (dead); Enzo Ferrari (dead); Yoko Ono, you broke up the Beatles, bitch; Cybill Shepherd; John Travolta- another Scientologist nut job; Vanna White; Matt Dillon; Dr. Dre; and Molly Ringwald, star of movies like Sixteen Candles which I watched just last night.

Enjoy your Monday (Soom-waar, Kamal) and please remember that weathermen are idiots.

Lupercalia

Welcome to the mother fucking day after. Thank baby Jesus, it's Friday (Chukar-waar, Jom'eh, yawm-al-jum'a, Istiqlal, Sweetmorn). I don't know about y'all, but I enjoyed Valentine's Day very much. Catholics around the world refer to the day after St. Valentine's Day as Coitus Interruptus. It's not the greatest way to do things, but the failure rate is estimated to be only 15-28% which is actually better than some other forms of preventative measures.

If you're wondering why the move to this format, it's because the powers that be, i.e., the head cheeses, are cracking down on intra-office emails. FTS. Whatever, now I can say whatever I like however I like.

In 1764 the city of St. Louis, MO was established. St. Louis is the home of Budweiser and Purina and I've been told that during the summer the entire city smells of stale beer and dog food. It's a lovely place- and yes, it is one of the many places I have lived. In 1852 Great Ormond Street Hospital for Sick Children in London admitted its first patient. The Hospital for Well Children closed shortly after citing a lack of purpose. In 1879 President Rutherford B. Hayes signed a bill allowing female attorneys to argue cases before the US Supreme Court. Many historians have cited this as the beginning of the end of respect for lawyers. In 1933 Giuseppe Zangara attempted to assassinate FDR but missed and shot and killed Chicago Mayor Anton Cermak in Miami. In 1946 the first general purpose computer was unveiled at the University of Pennsylvania (mascot: Quakers- which inspires fear in all opponents). In 1961 a Sabena flight crashed in Belgium killing 73 people, including the entire US Figure Skating team. You would think they'd make a movie about this tragic event until you start thinking about how many diehard ice skating fans there actually are out there. In 1970 a Dominican Air flight crashed killing 102. In 1982 the drilling rig Ocean Ranger sank off the coast of Newfoundland killing 84. In 2002 in the worst case of funeral service abuse ever, investigators found the remains of a bunch of uncremated bodies at the Tri-State Crematory in La Fayette, GA. In 2005 YouTube was launched. I still have not made the jump to looking up stuff on YouTube. I think I'm some sort of old geezer.

Today is Flag Day in Canada, National Day in Serbia, and Total Defence Day in Singapore. It is also International"That's What She Said" Day, so everyone should go around saying that phrase following statements that will be derived as both clever and humorous.

It is International Dance a Jig Day. And I will be dancing a jig all goddamned day long. Yee-ha.

In ancient Rome today was Lupercalia, which explains the title, of today's daily. It was a festival for the aversion of evil spirits and the purification of Rome at the beginning of Spring. It was held in honor of the She-Wolf who suckled the twins, Romulus and Remus. The priests of Faunus would dress in goatskins and sacrifice two male goats and a dog. Two young initiates would then have their heads smeared with the blood of the goats, skin the goats, put on the dead goatskins, and the proceed to run around the city whipping girls and young women who would line up to get whipped in order to ensure fertility. I have no idea what they did with the dead dog. I think they just needed something else to kill and there were always stray dogs running around Rome getting into the trash and causing havoc.

In the Eastern Orthodox churches today is Candlemas which celebrates Jewish ceremony of the redemption of the firstborn child ceremony held 40 days after birth. Obviously this commemorates Jesus's redemption ceremony, as he was Jewish before he realized he was a super Jew and needed to head into a different direction (or outer space).

Happy Birthday: Galileo Galilei; King Louis XV; Susan B. Anthony; Jane Seymour; Matt Groening; the comic genius Chris Farley, RIP; and Ronnie Vannucci, Jr. of the The Killers (only becauase I know someone who is really into this band does he get mentioned).

Enjoy your weekend and please do not take the brown acid.