Competitive Bed-Wetting

I don't know whether or not I should be happy that it's (Wednesday, Bhud-waar, Chaharshanbeh, yawm-al-arba'a, Idal, Setting Orange). The day started out pretty flippin' good. It's supposed to be 80 degrees today which makes me feel rather warm and fuzzy. But, still it's ONLY Wednesday and this week has taken its toll.

I think that one of the things that sets Americans apart from the rest of the world is our competitiveness. We love competing in things. We love victory. The rest of the world has basically one professional sport- soccer. (True, there are others rugby, hockey, cricket, Formula 1, golf.) We have a sport for every season and can't seem to get enough of any of them. And not only do we love professional sports we love all sports. In fact we try to make competitions out of everything. Who can eat the most hot dogs in a minute? Who can pull an airplane the furthest with his teeth? Who is the best singer? Who is the fattest person that lost the most weight? Who sold the most records? Who is the best dancer? You get the picture. And now we have competing celebrities who are ranked by something called the xRank. I don't know what this is and I am not going to find out. But do we really need to pit our celebrities against each other to find out who's the best? If it were a real-life celebrity death match, then I'd say ok. But this is just something to waste more of our time worrying about and obsessing about. If I spent as much time paying attention to GD celebrities as I do writing this blog, then maybe Allie would let me be on her trivia team. But I could give a flying F*&K how Paris Hilton stacks up against Brittney Spears in the latest xRankings. Here's the deal. They're both attractive women who are famous because of some really good (and bad) publicity who can't wipe their own asses without their entourage around to help them and who likely are so wrapped up in their own fame that they will actually pay attention to these BS xRankings and start doing things to be even more famous. Eventually news of bed-wettings will follow. I promise.

Ok, so, in 711 the Moors began their conquest of the Iberian Peninsula (Spain). In 1492 Spain granted Christopher Columbus his commission of exploration. In 1789 George Washington took oath as the first President of the USofA. In 1803 the US bought the Louisiana Territory from France for $15 million. Nine years later Louisiana became a state. In 1871 settlers in Arizona massacred 144 Apaches, mostly women and children. In 1900 Casey Jones died in a train wreck. Whether he was high on cocaine, I cannot say. In 1927 the first women's federal prison opened in Alderson, WV. That same day Douglas Fairbanks and Mary Pickford became the first celebrities to put their footprints in the cement at the Chinese Theater in Hollywood. In 1939 regularly scheduled TV broadcasting was begun by NBC. Later that day FDR became the first President to appear on TV. In 1945 Adolf and Eva committed suicide in their bunker on their honeymoon.

In case you were wondering, Jimi Hendrix was apparently well-endowed.

Tonight is Walpurgis Night in Europe. This was known as the "enclosure of the fallen" and was a time when the dead were said to walk the earth. To fend off these scary ghost people lit bonfires. In Celtic counties, it's known as Beltane Eve. And in the Czech Republic and Slovakia tonight is Witches' Night. Mostly it's just a big party now, but I bet there's some overweight lesbians running around the woods naked somewhere calling down the goddess.

In Vietnam today is Liberation Day. In Mexico today is Children's Day.

Happy Birthday: King Philip III of France (dead); Queen Mary II of England (dead); Queen Juliana of the Netherlands (dead); Willie Nelson (stoned); King Carl XVI of Sweden (cold); Isiah Thomas (unemployed); and Kirsten Dunst (typecasted).

Later....

I am the Walrus

Goo-goo-g'joob.

Welcome to Tuesday (Mangal-waar, Seshanbeh, yawm-ath-thalatha, Fidal, Prickle-Prickle). There's all sorts of weird things going on the world. I'm sure you heard about that nut job in Austria who kept his daughter locked up and kept impregnating her over the last 24 years. Despite the sickness of it all, that's a lot of work for one guy. Then on MSN this morning someone feels bad for rich people who have to fill up the gas tanks in their private jets... Are you serious? If it's such a big strain on you budget, fly first class and let your jet sit in the hangar for a bit. I know it's probably hard to go back to flying like everyone else in the world and that getting to board first, exit first, and get free drinks and your ass kissed really sucks, but if you can't afford the petrol for the Lear jet, then maybe mass transportation is what you'll have to suffer through. I mean I know I hate having to sit in a barcalounger while I fly, which is why I prefer to fly coach and get stuck in a seat the size of the one you had at school in 6th grade. Invariably I'm stuck between a 350-lb gorilla and an old woman who smells like cabbage and wants to tell you about her daughter in Indiana who just got divorced and has three kids, all of whom look like little warthogs, and who she's going to visit for the first time since the divorce was finalized. The question that always follows is, "So, where are you traveling to?" Not G.D. Indiana to meet your fat pasty daughter and her three fat kids who honestly believe that Larry Bird was at one time President of these United States and that you actually can have a dressy pair of sweat pants and that your "nice sweats" are what you wear into town when you go to Wal-Mart. I hate flippin' Indiana. If Gary, IN is the a-hole of the country, then the rest of the state is like that area between your scrotum and your a-hole, which I guess would make Kentucky your balls (unless you're a woman, and then KY would be the hoo-ha).

"Humpty Dumpty was a big fat egg, he was playing the wall and then he broke his leg..."

In 1429 Joan of Arc arrived at Orleans to rally the French. In 1864 a bunch of engineering students founded Theta Xi fraternity at Rensselar Polytechnic Institute in NY. In 1945 Adolf Hitler married Eva Braun in a bunker. Very romantic. In 1967 Muhammad Ali was stripped of his boxing title for refusing to enter the US Army for religious reasons. In case you were wondering, Ali converted to the Nation of Islam after hanging out with Malcolm X (not to be confused with Malcolm in the Middle). The following year, the hippie musical "Hair" debuted on Broadway. In 1991 a cylone hit Bangladesh and killed over 138,000 people. One year later people in Los Angeles rioted after the cops who beat Rodney King were acquitted. 53 people were killed over a three-day period. And in 2004 the last Oldsmobile rolled off the assembly line, marking another sad day for the American auto industry and the state of Michigan.

Today is International Dance Day. This is awesome. I think everyday should be dance day. Not that I feel much like dancing today, but there are days when I feel like shakin' my money maker. If anyone wants to go dancing, please let me know, I'm down like James Brown.

"Disco bag schlepping and you're doing the bump, Shake your rump"

In Japan today- Showa Day- is the beginning of the Golden Week which is like a national week of reflection on the evils of the period under Hirohito.

Happy Birthday: Taliesin, the Welsh poet; Duke Ellington; Jerry Seinfeld, who I cannot stand; and Uma Thurman.

Enjoy your day. I can promise you that if I were available, which I'm not, I would never date Condoleeza Rice..."is nice, but I prefer A-Roni, or that man on the tv who speaks to the dead, you know that man's a phony. Everybody move to Canada, smoke lots of pot, everybody move to Canada right now."

Beware of Flying Marshmallows

Good day. Ok, I know it's Monday (Soom-waar, Doshanbeh, yawm-al-ithnayn, Kamal, Pungenday), and that's usually not good at all. And honestly, down here at the Cheese Factory, it's usually horrible. I hope that everyone had a good weekend. On Friday night, I was lucky enough to get to see "The Big Lebowski" on the big screen and introduce someone special to the awesomeness of the movie. Yesterday, I may have instigated a marshamallow fight with 7 12-year-olds. It was awesome. I would love to get another crack at a couple of those little sugar freaks.

In 1192 Conrad of Montferrat, King of Jerusalem, was assassinated by the Hashshashin. These guys were the "holy killers" of Islam, founded by Hassan-i-Sabbah in the 11th century to destroy the leaders of Sunni Islam. The Hashshashin were Shia Muslims and are rumored to have smoked tree. In 1788 Maryland became the 7th state. Founded as a Catholic colony, The Old Line State was named after Henrietta Maria, wife of King Charles I. Maryland is the weathiest state and its state flower is the Black Eyed Susan, its reptile is the diamond back terrapin, which is why the University of Maryland's mascot is the Terrapins, which is a turtle. Maryland is also home to the greatest rock n roll band ever- Clutch. In 1930 the first night baseball game was played in Independence, KS, not to be confused with Independence, MO which is the meth capital of the US. In 1945 Benito Mussolini and his mistress were executed by firing squad. I always thought they were hung. And in 1996 a dude in Tasmania went on a shooting spree and killed 35 people. Once again we're reminded that Australians are nearly as crazy as Americans.

In ancient Rome today was the Floralia in honor of the goddess of vegetation, Flora. It was day of dancing, drinking, and flowers and was popular with prostitutes. And I say the more you drink, the more you dance, and the better prostitutes look.

For our Baha'i friends today is the Festival of Jamal (beauty). In Canada it's the National Day of Mourning for workers who have died on the job. It is also International Workers' Memorial Day in socialist countries.

In the Caribbean nation of Barbados- which means "bearded" and refers to the trees and not the women apparently- it is National Heroes' Day. The capital is Bridgetown and there are about 280,000 people who live there. Tourism is the primary industry. They have beaches in Barbados and right now, laying on a beach drinking a pina colada sounds really good.

Happy Birthday: King Edward IV; Saddam Hussein- you dead bastard; Jay Leno; Too Short; Daisy Berkowitz, from Marilyn Manson; Penelope Cruz; and Jessica Alba.

Have a good one. And, yes, marshmallows do leave marks on your clothes.

Correction #1

It has been pointed out by someone (Allie Meiers) who knows more about pop culture than I that Connor Cruise is not the product of the intermixing of TomKat fluids, but the adopted child of the Cruise-Kidman fiasco that they claimed was a marriage, although I still think it was to cover up the fact that they are both homosexuals- no offense to homosexuals. But seriously a woman that tall would never marry a man that short in real life. The child that is the biological product of TomKat is named after a wagon and/or a city in England. I would apologize for being wrong, but I'm not sorry. Does Hallmark make cards for adoptive-step-mothers? And, if so, do they get said cards on Mothers' Day? Apparently Connor is obviously not the natural born child of any combination of the three people involved in this triangle for obvious reasons. If you don't know what that reason is, neither did I, obviously, but now I do, and it's wonderful that celebrities are collecting children of different colors so that their offspring will establish a rainbow monopoly in some future Hollywood box office. I am pop-culturally ignorant, but I am ashamed of this fact, and some might even find it endearing...

The Buck Stops Here

Thank you Connor Cruise, you genetically perfect product of TomKat, harbinger of Scientology's message to the next generation, future obsession of the media, and bound to be in rehab by the time he's 16, for allowing us to once again make it to Friday (Chukar-waar, Jom'eh, yawm-al-jum'a, Istiqlal, Setting Orange).

Today's picture was a tough decision. The choice was between an bunch of old women in red hats, since it's Red Hat Society Day; and Joe Buck, whose birthday it is today. My grandma is in the Red Hat Society which from what I understand is a secret society of old women who are intent on taking over the world by getting together and having dinner and hearing guest speakers talk about things such as the history of the thumb tack. Joe Buck, on the other hand, is one of my least favorite people on television. I hate him. He's everywhere. The guy has the biggest man crush on Troy Aikman in the history of man crushes. I sincerely believe that Joe Buck wants nothing more than to grab Troy Aikman right there in the announcer's booth and kiss him and pronounce his man-love for him in front of the Fox Sunday NFL broadcast world. I mean seriously I have never seen an announcer verbally suck another announcer's junk as bad as Joe Buck does to Troy Aikman. I hate you, Joe Buck.

In 1792 Nicholas J. Pelletier became the first person to be executed by guillotine. In 1846 a dispute over the Texas border led to the Mexican-American War. Today's border is a porrous imaginary line over which the invaders are rushing in like so many vermin. The following year the last survivors of the Donner Party made it to safety. Although it ended up not being much of a party, they did report that there were some tasty treats provided by the hosts. Tastes of chicken. In 1898 the US declared war on Spain. I'd like to compile a list of all the countries we have been at war with. I bet it'd be long. In 1901 New York became the fist state to require license plates on cars. In 1916 the first ANZAC Day was celebrated in Australian and New Zealand commemorating troops lost in WWI. In 1944 the United Negro College Fund was established. In 1953 Crick and Watson published a paper describing the double helix structure of DNA. In 1959 the St. Lawrence Seaway connecting the Great Lakes and the Atlantic ocean opened to shipping. In 1990 the Hubble Telescope was deployed allowing astronomers to look way out into space when pointed that way. When they turn it around they can see a dimple on a frog's ass, if they so desire. And three years ago 107 people died in a train wreck in Japan.

In the Faroe Islands today is Flag Day. In Portugal it's Freedom Day. It is also World Malaria Day. So, happy Malaria Day. I hope you don't catch malaria and if you do I hope that you are quarantined in a really nice facility and that I don't see you for awhile.

In ancient Rome today was the Robigalia in honor of the fertility god Robigus, who was also god of wheat. His name means "mildew". He is also god of robes. His sister, Robigo was also a fertility goddess and goddess of corn. To celebrate the Romans sacrificed red dogs and poured red wine all over the place. I don't know what constitutes a red dog. The only one I can think of is an Irish Setter.

Alright lots of birthdays: Otho, Roman Emperor; King Louis IX; King Conrad IV; King Edward II; Oliver Cromwell; Ella Fitzgerald; Al Pacino; Hank Azaria; Rene Zellweger; and really funny guy, Jason Lee- please, if you haven't, watch "Mallrats."

Have a good day and a great weekend!!

Skills to Pay the Bills

Thursday, April 24, 2008- Panjshanbeh, Ordibehesht 5, 1387- Yawm-al-Khamis, Rabi-ath-Thani 17, 1429- Prickle-Prickle, Discord 41, 3174. (And today is also Veer-waar and Istijlal).

Here's the thing, I like to think of myself as a pretty cool guy. I know how to get down and boogie. I got mad skills (except at basketball according to Jackson Meiers). I know how to dress myself and appreciate good music. I am moderately intelligent, have a good sense of humor and have been told that I am not unattractive. That being said I have some vices. I smoke cigarettes despite the fact that people have been telling me that I need to quit (for what is now a long time). I drink too much beer. I don't exercise enough (or really at all) and I don't eat right. And then I find myself interested in things which may not really be considered popular with the kids these days. I have somewhat of a weird obsession with flags and coats of arms and I write this damn blog every day- which is kind of bordering on the un-cool (although the blog itself is pretty flippin cool). Basically, what I'm getting at is, that today is almost Friday and I'm feeling pretty uncool.

So, in 1184 BCE, the Greeks pulled the biggest practical joke of all time when they hid in the Trojan Horse and snuck into Troy and won the war. Man that was clever. In 1558 Mary Queen of the Scots married the Dauphin of France (the dauphin is the heir to the throne), Francois. In 1704 the first regular newpaper in the US was published and titled the "Boston New-Letter". In 1800 the US Library of Congress was established by President John Adams. In 1863 53 Native Americans were massacred near Keyesville, CA. In 1915 the Armenian Genocide began when affluent Armenians were round up and killed by the Turks in Consantinople (which is now Istanbul). The Turks completely deny that this ever happened which is why they still haven't gotten into the EU yet. In 1953 the Southwest Bank in St. Louis was robbed. This bank robbery was depicted in the movie, "The Great St. Louis Bank Robbery." Clever title. In 1993 an IRA bomb hit the Bishopsgate are of London doing a lot of damage. In 2004 the US lifted economic sanctions on Libya. And three years ago Joseph Ratzinger became the 265th Pontifex Maximus and adopted the name Benedict XVI.

In The Gambia today is Republic Day. The Gambia is the smallest country in Africa and its capital is Banjul. It is home to 1.7 million people who are predominately employed in the industries of peanut farming, soap making, soda pop manufacturing, or the textile industry. Over 90% of Gambians are Muslims.

Happy Birthday: William of Orange, the great Dutch Protestant leader; Anthony Trollope; Shirley MacLaine (weirdo); the Antichrist, Barbara Streisand; designer Jean-Paul Gaultier; Cedric the Entertainer; and Kelly Clarkson.

Enjoy your day... and if you brought you child to work today, please keep the little monster close by and out of my hair. Thank you.

I'm The Mutha Flippin'

"Good god almighty, we were pannin' for gold, out on the banks of mighty Colorado..."

Yes, you are correct, it's (Wednesday, Bhud-waar, Chaharshanbeh, yawm-al-arb'a, Idal, Pungenday). That being said, it appears Hillary Clinton has defeated Barrack in Pennsylvania. I have completely lost interest in who the Democratic candidate for President is. Neither one of them is going to win. In a completely unrelated topic, the animal kingdom has once again made it clear that they are tired of humans mucking up the planet. A grizzly bear killed its trainer in S. California and a woman found an 8-foot alligator in her kitchen in Florida. This is troubling, sort of, but I'm guessing the alligator was attracted to the smell of cabbage being transmitted from the old woman's house. Alligators love to eat water buffalo, pigs, small children, and old people that smell like cabbage. I've made a vow to stay away from animals that are capable of killing me. I have also made a vow to accept that happiness is truly possible and not a myth.

In 1229 one of our many heroes, Ferdinand III of Castile, conquered Caceres from the Moors. In 1348 the Order of the Garter was founded by King Edward III. Although it sounds really girly, the Order is an honorable chivalric order and is bestowed upon the highest echelon of knights and ladies. In 1597 William Shakespeare's "Ther Merry Wives of Windsor" was performed for the first time in the audience of Queen Elizabeth I. I have never read this play nor do I know anything about it but apparently the leading character is a fat knight. I guess that he would have to buy his armor at a big and tall store. In 1940 a fire at the Rhythm Night Club in Natchez, MS killed 198 people. And in 1997 another massacre in Algeria took place when 42 people were killed in Omaria. (Note to self: stay away from Algeria.)

So, today is International Day of the Book. So, read one. In Turkey, it is both National Sovereignty Day and Children's Day. And in the US and Canada, today is Administrative Assistants' Day. So, everyone should be kind and polite to all Admin Assts and buy them cards, flowers, candy, and if you are their superior you should pay them compliments that cannot be construed as sexual harrassment.

Today is also St. George's Day in honor of the Roman martyr who was beheaded in 303. St. George had a large cult following during the Crusades, his cross, the red cross on a white field, became the badge of many Crusaders. It is also the national flag of England, and in that country today is a national holiday. St. George is also popular in Russia, Aragon, Georgia (the country), Serbia, and Portugal (among other places).

Happy Birthday: King Afonso of Portugal; William Shakespeare (maybe); William Penn; Kind Frederick I of Sweden; President James Buchanan; Shirley Temple; Roy Orbison; Lee Majors; Michael Moore (from Michigan); George Lopez; and Timothy McVeigh.

Enjoy your day after Earth Day. I hope you took a shower. I didn't.

Earth Day

Hello. Welcome to Earth Day. Today we should all feel very earthy. We should do things that make us feel good about our planet and our future. I know you're asking yourself, "What can I do today that will make me feel good about my planet?" When trying to decide what to do today, simply ask yourself, "What would a hippie do?" You'll quickly come up with a list of things to do. Don't take a shower. Don't shave- anywhere. Wear sandals. Wear clothes that are loose fitting and look like they haven't been washed in a year. Cover your natural stank with patchouli. Carry around bongo drums or a guitar. Sit Indian-style on the floor even if you are in a place where you would not normally do so, like a bank. Eat stuff like hummus and falafel and sing songs about peace, love, and brotherhood (or sisterhood). Break into a weird circular dancing at the drop of a hat in places you normally wouldn't do so- like anywhere. Tell perfect strangers about the plight of the indigenous people of a third world country such as Flint, MI. Did I mention you shouldn't shave? You could also recycle something or turn out the lights when you leave a room or take the bus to work. If this doesn't sound appealing you could just donate some money to some group that says they are doing stuff that's ecologically smart. These groups do not include oil companies, tire factories, or the Republican party.

So, in 1500 the Portuguese navigator Pedro Cabral became the first European to sight Brazil. He decided to call it Brazil because it looked like a nut. In 1836 Sam Houston captured Mexican General Santa Anna. The term green card has absolutely nothing to do with Earth Day or any ecological issue unless you consider immigration a population control and sustainability issue and if you do, then you could make the immigration issue an environmental issue and maybe get some hippies to join forces with the Minutemen and that would just be weird. In 1864 the phrase "In God We Trust" was approved for placement on every minted coin in the US. The motto of this blog is from this point on "In Cod we trust". This is because of obvious reasons. In 1889 at high noon, the Great Land Run of 1889 took place in Oklahoma as depicted in the film "Far and Away" featuring Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. I hate to say that I liked this movie, but I did. This was before Tom Cruise became the spokesperson for Scientology. Now, I will say that Tom's acting wasn't all that great, did he even attempt an Irish accent? In any case, Nicole Kidman is one of the most beautiful actresses ever. However, she married Tom Cruise which leads me to believe that she has some issues. She is also Australian which is the international equivalent of being Texan. So, that's two strikes against her right there. In 1970 the first Earth Day was celebrated. In 1992 an explosion in Guadalajara, Mexico killed 206 people. Five years later 93 more villagers were massacred in Haouch Khemisti, Algeria. And in 2000 federal agents seized Elian Gonzalez from his relatives in Miami. This was one of those things that people got all worked up about that turned out to not be that big of a deal.

On this wonderful (Tuesday, Mangal-waar, Seshanbeh, yawm-ath-thalatha, Fidal, Boomtime) you should wish a happy birthday to: Queen Isabella of Castile and Leon, dead; Pope Alexander VIII, dead; Immanuel Kant, the German philopsher who said some things that are too complex to summarize this early; Bettie Page; Jack Nicholson; Peter Frampton, who I've seen in concert; and Marilyn Chambers, star of classic films such as "Behind the Green Door" and "Insatiable".

Happy Earth Day, everyone. "If infinite rednecks fired infinite shotguns at an infinite number of road signs, they'd eventually create all the great literary works of the world in braille."

When in Rome

Welcome to the Terrordome. Yes sir, it's (Monday, Soom-waar, Doshanbeh, yawm-al-ithnayn, Kamal, Sweetmorn). I trust everyone's weekend was fabulous. The weather was great, company was brilliant, and I think I broke my thumb. In any case, invariably work begins again, and with that comes traffic and annoying clients.

So, apparently in 753 BCE, Romulus and Remus founded Rome. That makes Rome an extremely old city. There's that saying that starts, "when in Rome...", I have no idea where the saying comes from. But Romans don't really do anything special. They don't seem to work. They are all extremely thin and they smoke cigarettes and drink espresso and wine. They eat dinner at 10:00 at night. They always have sunglasses on and they always look like they just stepped out of a catalog. They drive like maniacs and park in like manner. Cell phone use is out of control. They are animated when speaking using every muscle in their upper body to communicate. And the food in Rome is nothing special, you have to try to find a good meal and stay away from the tourist spots, which is basically the entire city.

In 1509 Henry VIII ascended to the throne of England. In 1836 the army of the Republic of Texas under Sam Houston defeated Mexican troops under Gen. Santa Anna at the Battle of San Jacinto. In 1863 the Baha'u'llah declared his mission to the world making today the start of the king of all Baha'i festivals- Ridvan, which means "paradise". When Baha'u'llah declared himself to be the Bab, much like "the dude", people went apeshit. Today the Baha'i do not work. I am declaring myself to be a Baha'i right now and am refusing to work for the rest of the day. I will not call myself the Bab, however. Instead I will be "the Dave". In 1918 the Red Baron was shot down and killed. In his honor, we give you frozen pizzas. In 1944 women got the right to vote in France. Sacre bleu. In 1952 Secretary's Day was celebrated for the first time. Secretaries have gone the way of stewardesses and are now nearly extinct (except for upper echelon government posts where it's still ok to be a secretary). In 1966 Haile Selassie visited Jamaica bringing the Rastafarian movement to that island. "Pass the joint to the left hand side." And nearly twenty years ago, 1989, the Tiananmen Square protests took place in Beijing.

In ancient Rome they'd not only be celebrating the birth of the city, but also the Parilia, in honor of Pares, the androgynous deity of shepherds and sheep. This was a purification ritual for the sheep and their shepherd and is really gross. But I guess if you're going to love someone, both parties should be cleansed in order to decrease cross-species diseases. If you don't believe me, ask a Scottish person.

Happy Birthday: Max Weber, the German sociologist; Charles Grodin; Iggy Pop; Tony Danza; Andie MacDowell; and the Irish singer whom I'm going to see in concert very soon, Glen Hansard.

Enjoy the day and watch out for any impure sheep.

The Pope is in the House

What up people? It's finally here. Yes, it's (Friday, Chukar-waar, Jom'eh, Yawm-al-jum'a, Istiqlal, Pungenday). And it's raining, still. On a positive note the Pope is in America. Apparently he had some critical words of America's treatment of Blacks and Indians. He may or may have overlooked the Church's history of killing everyone from pagans to Jews, from Muslims to Protestants, from witches to heretics. He did apologize for the bad touching. I'm guessing he was not a victim or if he was, he simply grinned and took it, possibly mistaking it for the extended hand of god. But, whatever, Il Papa is in the house, and it's always nice to have guests.

In 1025 Boleslaw "coleslaw" Chrobry became the first King of Poland. It was an easy title to achieve since no one else wanted to have to deal with the Polish. In 1506 construction of St. Peter's Basilica in Rome began. In 1518 Bona Sforza was crowned queen of Poland. This sounds like an honor but she was Italian and it was actually a punishment. In 1880 a tornado hit Marshfield, MO killing 99 people. The following year Billy the Kid escaped from jail in New Mexico, as depicted in the really great movie "Young Guns". In 1906 San Francisco was destroyed by an earthquake. In 1909 Joan of Arc was beatified in another act of forgetfullness by the Vatican. Joan of Arc was actually burned at the stake (by the Catholic Church) for being a heretic. Whoops. Do you think that there is a clause in the rules that states it's ok to burn a future saint? In 1923 Yankee Stadium opened. In 1983 a suicide bomber destroyed the US Barracks in Beirut, killing 63. Five years later in Operation Praying Mantis the US Navy and Iranian Navy engaged in the largest naval battle since WWII in response to the Iranian mining of the Persian Gulf. We sunk two of their warships and three speedboats. Seriously, what kind of navy consists of speedboats? In 1996 106 Lebanese civilians were killed when the Israeli Defense Forces shelled the UN compound at Quana. The Israelis never do anything wrong and are completely justified in killing innocent civilians and bombing the UN. Of course if it had been Lebanese or Syrian forces that had done this, the world would be outraged. Hmmm....

It is Army Day in Iran today. Good thing it's not Navy Day.

In Zimbabwe today is Independence Day. The name of this S. African nation is derived from Dzimbadzembabwe which means "Big House of Stone". There are 31 million people who live in Zimbabwe, whose capital is Harare. Under the current Mugabe administration there are some pretty severe civil and human rights violations going on in the country. And if that's not bad enough, 20% of the population is infected with HIV. Fortunately, 62% of the are Christians so at least they've got somebody to pray to.

Happy Birthday: Lucrezia Borgia (pictured); Hayley Mills, who was in a million Disney movies; and Conan O'Brien, who is actually pretty funny and proof that you can have an Ivy League education and be goofy looking and still somehow manage to get on TV.

Enjoy your day and your weekend. And remember, "You don't have a disease. You just live in New Jersey."

Corrective Vision

Hola. Sometimes it feels good to realize that it's (Thursday, Veer-waar, Panjshanbeh, yawm-al-khamis, Istijlal, Boomtime). Most of the week's passed and tomorrow is end. There's a sense of anticipation. And occasionally my rants are corrected by someone. So, after spending a bit of time on the issue of taxation, I was informed that some states, such as Kansas, actually tax marijuana. This does not make it legal, but is a way to impose a tax on business transactions even if they are not legal. This is interesting to me in more ways than one. And it actually seems like a path towards legalization, but it could also be viewed as a way to further punish the criminals economically. In any case, thank you Allie for pointing out this form of taxation.

In 69 Vitellius became Roman Emperor after the Battle of Bedriarcum. Vitellius was not popular and apparently his parents were horrified by his horoscope at birth. In 1397 Geoffrey Chaucer told his Canterbury Tales for the first time at the court of Richard II. In 1492 Christopher Columbus signed a contract with Spain to travel to Asia. In 1521 at the Diet of Worms (again, nothing to do with actual worms or dieting) Martin Luther refused to recant his teachings. In 1555 Siena surrendered to Florence. In 1865 Mary Surratt was arrested as a co-conspirator in the assassination of Abraham Lincoln. Mary Surratt was born in Maryland and was executed for her supposed role in the assassination. Her family's boarding house is now a Chinese restaurant called Wok n Roll. In 1924 MGM studious was formed. In 1964 the Ford Mustang debuted. Five years later Sirhan Sirhan was convicted of assassinating Robert F. Kennedy. And in 1973 FedEx delivered its first package.

Today is World Hemophilia Day. So, if you begin bleeding and are capable of coagulating on your own, you should feel fortunate. If you continue to bleed and cannot stop bleeding then you are a hemophiliac and this day is for you.

Happy B-day: J.P. Morgan, the man not the company; the English author, Nick Hornby; Afrika Bambaataa; Boomer Esiason; Maynard James Keenan of Tool, who went to high school in Michigan; Liz Phair; Redman; and Victoria Beckham (go back to England, we have enough celebrities).

Enjoy the day and "Never judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes, 'cuz by then, he's a mile away, you've got his shoes, and you can say whatever the hell you want to."

I Still Hate the Government

Fine, it's the day after Tax Day, making today (Wednesday, Bhud-waar, Chaharshanbeh, yawm-al-arb'a, Idal, Sweetmorn, Hump Day) and I still am angry about having to pay taxes. I don't mind paying some taxes. Gas taxes are fair, they effect everyone the same, rich and poor. Everyone pays the same tax to use the same product. I understand taxing clothes, cigarettes, alcohol, restaurant bills, etc. Food should not be taxed, which it is in Missouri, but not in Michigan. Prostitution should be taxed, which it could be if it was legalized. Just as marijuana could be taxed if it was legalized. Seriously, think of all the money that would go into the local and federal economies if you made the potheads pay tax on their weed. I mean pot is pretty much a cross-cultural and socio-economic class drug. All sorts of people smoke weed. Black people, white people, latino people. Poor people, middle-class, and Willie Nelson. They're smoking weed in the projects of Chicago and at the homes of executives for software companies. I say lower my taxes by taxing the tree smokers. Please. (I am not saying that I smoke pot, btw, because I don't. I may have done so "in college", but I have outgrown it. And please do not comment on the fact that I was "in college" until I was into my 30's.)

Alright, so in 73 the Jewish fortress Masada fell to the Romans ending the Jewish revolt, oy vey. In 1521 Martin Luther appeared for the first time at the Diet of Worms (which has nothing to do with dieting on worms by the way- I looked it up) to answer questions about his religious postions. His answer was "missionary." In 1780 the University of Munster was founded. In 1799 Napoleon's forces drove the Ottoman Turks across the River Jordan at the Battle of Mt. Tabor. In 1881 Bat Masterson fought his last gunfight in Dodge City, KS. In 1943 Dr. Albert Hofmann discovered the psychedelic effects of LSD. I am not condoning drug use, but LSD may have changed my perception of life... In 1945 more than 7000 German refugees were killed when a Soviet submarine sank the Goya. This was not an accident. Two years later in another maritime disaster, a freighter exploded setting a fire in Texas City, TX which killed 600 people. In 1990 Jack Kervorkian carried out his first assisted suicide. In last year Sueng-Hui Cho completely lost his friggin' mind and carried out the worst mass shooting in US history at Virginia Tech killing 32. This was horrible. At first the issue was gun control, but the gun control lobby is almost as strong as the Israeli lobby. The issue has now become the fault of the mental health process and the some sort of failure by the university system which is supposed to monitor every student at all times, apparently. Just so you know, Va Tech has about 30,000 students probably has a mental health staff of about 10 five of whom are likely work study undergrads who barely speak English and could give a rat's ass about anything other than studying for the chemistry exam.

Happy Birthday: King Louis the Pious, of the Franks, who is dead and was more popular than his brother Louis the Bald; Pope Benedict XVI, who's in America as we speak, and feels really bad about all the bad touches that priests have been putting on little boys (and girls) throughout the years. Apparently Benedict has begun to make statements about the beauty of tolerating other religions, by this he means that you should be nice to people of other religions and not make fun of them or beat them or kill them because they will pay the price in hell. Kareem Abdul Jabbar is also celebrating as is Martin Lawrence.

Enjoy your day. I know I will.

Today is

F$%K the Government

If the fact that it's (Tuesday, Mangal-waar, Seshanbeh, yawm-ath-thalatha, Fidal, Setting Orange) isn't bad enough, it's Tax Day. I am not sure how it is that I owe the IRS and the State of Missouri taxes, but I do. FTS. The freaking government can suck dog balls. I wish I was brave enough to protest and not pay the bastards. But I am afraid of prison and increased fines. Call me a wuss. Someday, maybe I'll move to Idaho and join a militia group and change my name to Chainsaw or Buzzsaw or Hacksaw. But until then, I'll pay. Did I mention that I hate the government?

In 1715 some Yamatsee Indians massacred a party of Carolinians which started a war between the Indians and colonials. In 1738 Handel's opera "Serse" premiered in London. In 1755 Samuel Johnson published his dictionary of the English language. In 1865 Abraham Lincoln died. In 1892 GE was founded. In 1912 the Titanic sunk. Years later Leonard Dicaprio would star in a movie called "Titanic". I hate Leonardo. Do you think he's a Scientologist? One never knows. In 1924 Rand McNally published its first road atlas. In 1947 Jackie Robinson became the first African-American to play in Major League Baseball. Fifty years later a fire at a campsite killed 343 Muslims who were on their Hajj pilgrimage. And in 2002 an Air China flight crashed killing 128.

In ancient Latvia today was Tipsa Diena which was a festival celebrating the ploughing of the fields. In ancient Rome today was the Fordicia in honor of the goddess Tellus, or mother earth. In her honor they sacrificed a pregnant cow and burnt the calf fetus. Is that pre-veal?

In Hawaii today is Father Damien Day in honor of the Belgian monk who cared for lepers. In North Korea today is Arirang in honor of the late deity Kim Il-Sung. Yes, he was a god and the founder of the wretched state of North Korea.

Enjoy your day. And please light a candle for these birthday celbrants: Leonardo da Vinci; Emile Durkheim, and Seka. Don't forget to pay your taxes.

If they only knew...

Welcome. I would like to start off by saying that it is (Monday, Soom-waar, Doshanbeh, yawm-al-ithnayn, Kamal, Prickle-Prickle) and that is never a good thing. But, after a few days of some very crappy weather, I think the tide is turning. I mean seriously, on Saturday it snowed, hailed, and rained in about a two hour span. That's ridiculous. One good thing is that Tiger Woods did not win the Master's. I'll be up front here and say that I hate golf (and Tiger Woods). It's not a sport. It's adults playing fetch with themselves and keeping score. It's also the greatest waste of land followed closely by cemetaries and parking lots. There are millions of people starving in the world and we're turning perfectly good farmland into golf courses. I would also like to say that the Mormon sect that they're attempting to break up down in Texas is a little strange. To be blunt, I have nothing against polygamy. If a man is brave enough and has the resources to have more than one wife, and the women are ok with it, I don't see the problem. Obviously, a 50 year old man should not be marrying a 13 year old girl. So, if that's the sort of stuff going on down there, then it should stop. There's a fine line between freedom of religion and civil law and sometimes I guess you can't have both. If you could everyone would be rastifarians and smoke tree.

In 43 BCE Marc Antony defeated the forces of consul Pansa at the Battle of Forum Gallorum. In 1205 the Bulgarians defeated the Crusaders at the Battle of Adrianople. In 1699 the Sikh brotherhood of saint-soldiers, known as the Khalsa, was created. There's nothing like fighting monks. In 1775 the first abolition society was founded in Philadelphia. In 1828 Noah Webster copyrighted his first dictionary. In 1846 the Donner Party left Springfield, IL for California. I'm guessing that this is one of those moments when someone in that party eventually looked back and said, "If I'd known what was going to happen, there is no way I would've signed up for this." But there's nothing better than having to eat your best friend in order to survive. Tastes of chicken. In 1860 the first Pony Express rider reached Sacramento, CA. Five years later Abraham Lincoln was shot by John Wilkes Booth. In 1927 the first Volvo premiered. In 1986 hailstones weighing 2.2 lbs fell in Bangladesh killing 92 people. First of all, being killed by hail would suck. A 2lb piece of ice falling from the sky would really hurt. Second of all, what kind of hell hole is Bangladesh? They have the worst weather possible. I would like to ask the great big boss in the sky to please not let me be reborn in Bangladesh. In 2003 the Human Genome Project was completed.

Speaking of Bangladesh, today is the astrological New Year in Bengal and other parts of SE Asia. In South Korea today is Black Day which is a celebration for singles. They typically eat skewers of fried kitty cat. South Koreans may like filet o' kitty, but apparently they have a very good adoption system. In Angola today is Youth Day. It is also N'Ko Alphabet Day which is an alphabet created in 1949. I've never heard of it, but apparently it's used by over 27 million people in Africa. And in Russia it's Mologa Day. Mologa is a city that was purposely flooded upon the construction of a damn on the Tikhvin waterway and is now underwater.

Happy Birthday: Loretta Lynn; Pete Rose; Anthony Michael Hall; Adrien Brody; and Sarah Michelle Gellar.

"It feels great to wake up and not know what day it is, doesn't it?"

TGIF Friday

Yes sir, it's Friday (Chukar-waar, Jom'eh, Yawm-al-jum'a, Istiqlal, Sweetmorn) and that means it's time for some etymology. Friday is derived from the Anglo-Saxon "frigedaeg" of the Day of Frigg who was the supreme goddess of the Norse, wife of Odin. Frigg had the power of prophecy yet never revealed what she knew. Just like a woman, ey? In any case, it's the last day of the week, and I couldn't be happier about that. To make matters even better, some client brought in 4 dozen Krispy Kreme donuts and I love donuts. And to top it off, the Castle Cheese Factory is buying its employees lunch in order to placate us. It's not enough.

For some reason, I've got Pigs in Space stuck in my head.

In 1079 King Boleslaw II of Poland (he was nicknamed coleslaw by other European monarchs and is the reason why we have Polack jokes) executed Bishop Stanislaus of Szczepanow (don't ask me how to pronounce that) over a property dispute. In 1689 William III and Mary II were crowned co-sovereigns of Great Britain. In 1775 the last execution for witchcraft was carried out in Germany. There was no sharp rise in the witch population after this point. In 1865 Abraham Lincoln gave his last public speech. In 1876 the Benevolent and Protective Order of the Elks was organized. In 1899 Spain ceded Puerto Rico to the US. In 1905 Einstein revealed his Theory of Relativity. In 1919 the International Labor Organization was founded. Two years later Iowa imposed the first cigarette tax. Bastards. In 1965 51 tornadoes hit 6 midwestern states killing 256. That's what you call a bad day. In 1968 LBJ signed the Civil Rights Act into law. In 2002 Al Qaeda bombed a synagogue in Tunisia killing 21. And last year two bombings in Algiers killed 33.

In Costa Rica today is Juan Santamaria Day. He is the national hero of Costa Rica and was nicknamed "the hedgehog", not to be confused with Ron Jeremy. He burned down the hotel in which the would-be conqueror William Walker was staying in, killing Walker and preserving Costa Rica's independence.

It is also the feast day of St. Gemma of Lucca. I've been to Lucca three times. It's a cool city that has great food. Gemma was known as the Virgin of Lucca and claimed to have been in direct contact with Jesus, Mary, and several angels. Her sister told her she was crazy and drove her into a convent. Go figure.

Please enjoy your day and your weekend. And happy birthday, Joss Stone.

Girls Gone Wild

Captain's Log: Panjshanbeh, Favardin 22, 1387- Yawm-al-khamis, Rabi-ath-Thani 3, 1429- Setting Orange, Discord 27, 3174- Thursday, April 10, 2008. (Veer-waar, Istijlal)

To update you on the protests in San Francisco, those tricky Olympic officials shortened the route and altered it to avoid any embarrassment. Then they loaded up the torch on a plane without displaying it to the public as if they were ashamed of it. What a sad story. A symbol of the one time the world comes together in a peaceful display of international competition shamefully removed from its route through the home of democracy afraid of the outburst of one of the voice of free speech. Sure, the people of San Francisco were free to protest, but the torch was shielded from their voices. There would be no pictures of the two together, no dramatic shots of the torch with an angry American, anti-Chinese, crowd in the background. What is important is that it's not the Olympics themselves that are being protested, it's the host country. Americans love the Olympics, especially the Summer Games, because we demonstrate how much better we are than everyone else. It's a chance for us to show the world that our athletes are superior, just as we believe our country to be. But, sometimes, there are things bigger than the opportunity to shine. It wasn't that long ago that we boycotted the Moscow games because at the time we were protesting the Russian invasion of Afghanistan. This time things are a little more complicated. China has done nothing of the same caliber. But that doesn't mean it's not worth boycotting. Do I want the games boycotted? I don't know. TV sucks in the Summertime. There's nothing on but baseball, golf, and NASCAR. But is watching the women's beach volleyball competition worth the message it sends to the world that America's stance on human rights is only applied to nations that do not have cheap products to offer us? Maybe I could sit on my couch and ogle the Dutch beach volleyball team as they frolic in the sand on my TV (made in China) in my loungewear (made in China) while I listen to my stereo (made in China) and then grab beers out of the fridge (made in China) and forget that behind the facade of the grand Olympic stage there are millions of Chinese people who have no face and who are more or less suffering an existence that we should be ashamed of supporting. But after a few beers and about the eighth time an ass cheek falls out, I'll probably forget that the games are even China or that the propaganda that NBC keeps showing about how rich and diverse the Chinese culture is just more of the same lie that I'm fed everyday about the state of the world and that it doesn't matter that some 14 year old is working 90 hours a week in a factory making Christmas decorations (which he/she can't even legally celebrate) because honestly it has nothing to do with the fact that women's beach volleyball is the second greatest spectator sport or that now I need another beer.

And what's up with these teenage girls beating the crap out of each other? When I was a teenager (OMG I'm sounding old) girls didn't fight. If they did, it was like once ever four years and it would be the biggest story around the playground for the next four years. Something is wrong with our country. When little girls are punching their friends in the face and videotaping it without remorse, there's something wrong. Screw this whole Olympic debacle, we have bigger fish to fry right here at home. Please someone explain this behavior to me. I beg you.

In 1606 the Charter of the Virginia Company of London was issued by King James I to establish settlements in North America. In 1790 the US Patent system was created. In 1815 Mt. Tambora erupted and killed 71,000 Indonesians. In 1856 Theta Chi was created at Norwich University. To celebrate, I propose a keg stand and some hazing. In 1858 the original Big Ben, which refers to the bell and not the tower apparently, was cast. In 1866 the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animas was founded in NYC. In 1874 the first Arbor Day was celebrated in Nebraska. In 1912 the RMS Titanic left Southampton, England for its first and only voyage. In 1916 the PGA was created. Three years later Emilliano Zapata was shot and killed by Mexican government troops. In 1925 F. Scott Fitzgerald's "The Great Gatsby" was published. I enjoyed that book. In 1978 Volkswagen became the first foreign company to build cars in America. And in 1991 an Italian ferry collided with an oil tanker killing 140.

Happy Birthday: William Booth, founder of the Salvation Army; Joseph Pulitzer, who has a journalism award named after him; Paul Theroux, a good author; Steven Seagal; Brian Setzer; and Q-Tip, who has one of the coolest voices in hip-hop.

"I don't bother chasin' mice around. I strut throught the alley lookin' for a fight, howlin' to the moonlight on a hot summer's night..."

Day of Valor

It's hard to believe that it's Wednesday(Bhud-waar, Chaharshanbeh, yawm-al-arba'a, Idal, Prickle-Prickle) for some reason. But it is. And that's really not a bad thing. It's amazing that the French are so angry at the Chinese or are so pro-Tibetan that they would cause the Olympic torch relay to be postponed. Now it seems there's some Americans who would like to follow suit in San Francisco. All of this anti-Chinese sentiment is great. China is probably one of the worst violators of human rights in the world. However, I find it doubtful that our government will allow for too much in the way of protests so as not to anger the Chinese too much. Our economy is so dependent upon China that if they dumped their holdings of the US dollar, we'd be FUBAR'd. The economic fallout of a breach in our relationship with China would be so devastating that it wouldn't even be funny. Imagine if China suspended imports to the US. We'd have nothing to buy. The shelves of Wal-Mart would be empty. Maybe then people would get angry and involved, maybe people would riot. Maybe someone would actually care about something other than the latest celebrity gossip because their life would be dramatically effected. Or, maybe the protesters in San Francisco will get tear-gassed and arrested and those in power will demonstrate to the Chinese that the US is also an oppressive police state that actually condones their human rights violations because it allows the American citizenry to continue to purchase happiness which 81% of the time is stamped with the words, "Made in China".

In 475 the Byzantine Emperor Basiliscus issued an encyclical supporting the Monophysite position on the nature of Christ, which states that Christ had only one nature, divine. In 1241 the Mongol hordes defeated the Polish and German armies at the Battle of Liegnitz. In 1413 Henry V was crowned King of England. In 1682 Robert Cavelier de La Salle discovered the mouth of the Mississippi, claimed it for France, and called it Louisiana. In 1865 Robert E. Lee surrendered to Ulysses S. Grant at Appomattox Court House in VA pretty much ending the Civil War. Two years later the US Senate ratified a treaty with Russia authorizing the purchase of Alaska. In 1947 tornadoes killed 181 people in Texas, Oklahoma, and Kansas. In 1953 the first 3D film premiered. And in 1957 the Suez Canal opened.

In the Philippines today is Araw ng Kagitingan, or the Day of Valor, in remembrance of the Bataan Death March. The Philippines is a nation made up of 7107 islands and its capital is Manila, so named because it is shaped like a folder. There are 89 million people who live there and 81% of them are Roman Catholic. Filipinos have a very interesting cultural heritage which blends traces of Spanish, Asian, and American cultures into a big ol' mess.

Happy Birthday: the French poet, Baudelaire; the founder of Playboy, Hugh Hefner; musician, Carl Perkins; actor, Dennis Quaid; and the wealthiest woman in porn, Jenna Jameson (pictured above from her appearance in Family Guy.

Enjoy the Day of Hump (which has nothing to do with Jenna, unless you want it to).

Rock Chalk Jayhawk

Welcome to Waterworld. Yup, it's raining. Please be very careful when daring to go onto the roadways on this (Tuesday, Mangal-waar, Seshanbeh, yawm-ath-thalatha, Fidal, Pungenday). As usual, people in the KCMetro lose their flippin' minds when water falls from the sky. And to make matters worse, probably a good 90% of the residents are hung over from last night's NCAA Championship game, which, as I'm sure everyone on the planet now knows, was won by KU. I'm not one to jump on any bandwagons, or just randomly switch loyalties, but when you've found yourself involved with a KU fan, for example, it's hard not to root for them (unless of course they're playing your team). So, congratulations Jayhawk fans, enjoy it while you can, it may be another 20 years before it happens again. The whole Rock Chalk thing is an actual mystery that no one can explain to my satisfaction, I'd like to add. And, I'd also like to add that there is no such thing as a "Jayhawk". However, Jayhawkers were guerilla fighters during the border disputes between Kansas and Missouri and then during the Civil War. Interesting. Jayhawks is also the mascot of Muskegon Community College where my friend Tom wrestled.

Ok, so in 217 the Roman Emperor Caracalla was assassinated. In 1093 Winchester Cathedral was dedicated. In 1513 Ponce de Leon (we've been hearing a lot about this guy lately) claimed Florida in the name of Spain. The Spanish can have it back for all I care. Seriously, let them try and deal with the AARP and Disney. And, if our economy's so bad, why don't we just sell some stuff that we don't need. Like Guam or American Samoa. I mean do we really use those islands? How about Puerto Rico? I'm sure the Chinese or Japanese would love to buy some more land. In 1730 the first synagogue was opened in NYC. In 1895 the US Supreme Court ruled that income tax was UNCONSTITUTIONAL. What happened with that ruling? I hate the GD IRS and taxes. FTS you big dummies. In 1899 Martha Place of New Jersey became the first woman to be executed in the electric chair. She tried to kill her husband with an axe and killed her step-daughter by suffocating her and then poured acid in her mouth. I'm betting she got lippy and old Martha couldn't take it anymore. In 1904 Times Square was so named after the New York Times, it was formerly known as Longacre Square. In 1913 the 17th Amendment became law which required that Senators be directly elected. Previously they were indirectly appointed. In 1973 Cyprus suffered 32 terrorist bombings in one day. That's a lot of bombings. And two years ago, in Ontario, Canada, the bodies of 8 men who were shot to death, were discovered. These men were killed by members of the Bandidos Motorcycle Gang. The slogan of the Bandidos is "We are the people your parents warn you about". Apparently so. You just don't really think about motorcycle gangs being much of a big deal, but I guess they are.

In Japan today is Buddha's birthday. They call it Buddhamas. It's really hard to decorate those little bonzai trees or fit many presents under them so they just dress up like school girls, nurses, ninjas, and dorky business men and go around in large groups taking pictures and singing karaoke.

It is also International Day of the Roma. The Roma are commonly referred to as gypsies. Apparently antiziganism is a big problem in Europe and has been for centuries. The Nazis tried their best to exterminate them and did such a thorough job that they wiped out several languages in the process. A Bulgarian professor wrote of the Romani in 2005 that they "should be confined to ghettoes because they do not assimilate, are culturally inclined towards theft, have no desire to work, and use their 'minority' status to blackmail the majority." Sounds angry.

But to today let us not think of such things, let us celebrate the KU victory over the Memphis Tigers and all let out a big choking sound whenever the owners of the Cheese Factory call from their Memphis headquarters.

Birthdays: Betty Ford; Kofi Annan; Izzy (from Guns N Roses); Biz Markie; Robin Wright Penn; and Patricia Arquette.

Have a good day, and stay dry.

Eazy Duz It

"Straight outta Compton, is a brother that will smother your mother, and make your sister think I love her..."

Happy Eazy-E Day everyone!! Yeah, I know it's Monday (Soom-waar, Doshanbeh, yawm-al-ithnayn, Kamal, Boomtime), and it's way too early in the week for gangsta rap. I don't know when a good for gangsta rap is. I used to be a fan, but then I learned to appreciate the finer things in life, like red wine, feng shui, and, death metal. In any case, I think that Spring has finally sprung for good. This weekend was amazing- weatherwise. And I have never laughed as hard watching a grown woman shriek and pirouette at the sight of a lizard. Saturday night I went to Artopia which was pretty cool if you're into art and culture and music and other things that would confuse most Americans. Fortunately I was not confused except by some of the weirder art-folk, who are just a little too eclectic for their own good.

In 529 the Byzantine Emperor Justinian I issued the first draft of the Corpus Juris Civilis which is extremely important in a very boring way. In 1348 Charles University in Prague was founded. In 1541 Francis Xavier left Lisbon, Portugal for the New World. In 1795 France adopted the Metric system. In 1798 Mississippi Territory was organized. In 1805 Beethoven's Third Symphony was performed publicly for the first time. In 1829 Joseph Smith, Jr. began translating the Book of Mormon. In 1906 Mt. Vesuvius erupted and devastated Naples. In 1933 Prohibition was repealed of beer more than 3.2% alcohol content (which is still sold in grocery stores in KS because apparently they still believe they're living in the dark ages.) In 1940 Booker T. Washington became the first African-American to appear on a postage stamp. In 1943 1100 Jews in Terebovlia, Ukraine were forced to strip down their underwear and march through the city. They were then all shot and buried in ditches. Five years later the World Health Organization was established. In 1994 the Rwandan massacre of the Tutsis began. In 1999 the WTO ruled in favor of the US over its trade dispute with the EU over bananas. Take that Europeans!! And five years ago we conquered Baghdad. Five years!!! I think it's time to rethink our Iraqi war plans.

Today is World Health Day. So, eat an apple or something.

In the SE African nation of Mozambique, today is Women's Day. The capital of Mozambique is Maputo and the nation is home to 24 million people. It's primarily an agricultural based economy which relies on the export of cotton, cashews, fish, and tea. Approximately 25% of the population is Catholic with an equal amount claiming to be agnostic.

Happy Birthday: St. Francis Xavier, founder to the Jesuits; Pope Clement XII; the English poet, William Wadsworth; the Indian sitar great, Ravi Shankar; Francis Ford Coppola; John Oates (of Hall and Oates); Jackie Chan; Tony Dorsett; and Ronde and Tiki Barber.

Have a good day. (And thank you, Allie Meiers, for a great weekend.)

There is no better day of the week than (Friday, Chukar-waar, Jom'eh, yawm-al-jum'a, Istiqlal, Prickle-Prickle). Let me rephrase that, there is no better day of the work-week. Normally everyone seems to be in a better mood because they know that tomorrow they will be anywhere other than where they are right now. I'm now reminded of a critique of Americans I heard from an old British guy. He told me, "Here in Britain, and all of Europe, we work so that we may live. In America, you live to work." This is so true and so sad. I'd like to say that I've come to a great many realizations over the past year, and one of the most important is that it is possible to be happy and to live what I like to call the "good life". The "good life" has nothing to do with money or possessions, it is merely being constantly in a place (physically and mentally) in which you are content and can honestly enjoy life. And this includes your job. Ok, I'm getting a little Dr. Phil on y'all. I apologize.





In 1581 Francis Drake completed his circumnavigation of the globe and was knighted by Queen Elizabeth I. In 1818 the US Congress adopted the official flag of the US which had 13 stripse and 20 stars. In 1841 President William Henry Harrison died of pneumonia becomig the first President to die in office and the one who served the shortest term. In 1850 Los Angeles was incorporated as a city. I predict by 2050 it will be somwhere at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. In 1887 the first female mayor in the US was elected in Argonia, KS, which is the first and only progressive thing KS has ever done. In 1949 NATO was created. Yesterday, NATO refused membership to Georgia and Ukraine, making GW really mad. In 1958 the peace symbol was displayed in London for the first time. In 1964 the Beatles occupied the top five spots on the Billboard charts. Say what you want about the Beatles, that's pretty amazing. It may say something about the rest of the music that was out at the time too. In 1968 Martin Luther King was killed in Memphis. In 1973 the World Trade Center was dedicated. Two years later Microsoft was founded. And six years ago the Angolan Civil War finally ended.





Today is the International Day for Landmine Awareness and Assistance. Please be aware that there are landmines out there. Probably not out there as in your neighborhood out there, but out there in 3rd World countries where you will probably never be going. But if you do go, you should be aware that there are landmines and that if you step on one you may need assistance.





In Lesotho today is Heroes' Day. Lesotho is a fictitious country entirely surrounded by S. Africa. The capital is Maseru and there are 2.3 million people that live in the country which just happens to be the only state that is entirely above 3300ft. in elevation. The economy depends largely on water and electriciy exports to S. Africa. 29% of the population is infected with HIV/AIDS and many of are Roman Catholic. I'm not saying there's any correlation here, although the Church's prohibition of birth control probably doesn't make promoting safe sex although at easy.





In Taiwan and Hong Kong today is Children's Day. In the rest of China it is not because you are only allowed one child so it is Child's Day.



Happy Birthday, Robert Downey, Jr. You are so lucky you are not in prison.


Please enjoy your weekend and your Friday.

The Waste Land

"Drive carefully, 90% of the people in the world are caused by accidents."

Yes, boys and girls, you are correct in your assumption that today is (Thursday, Veer-waar, Panjshanbeh, yawm-al-khamis, Istijlal, Pungenday). I am once again tired as I was awoken at 4 a.m. by a manifestation of a pre-cougral demon. Not to worry because I am a demon slayer. The Metro is finding itself plagued by dreaded precipitation which causes panic and chaos and infects the minds of all who get behind the wheel of a car. Please drive carefully.

In 1860 the first run of the Pony Express left from St. Joseph, MO for Sacramento, CA. In 1882 Jesse James was shot in the back and killed for a $5000.00 reward. Three years later Gottlieb Daimler was granted a patent for his engine design. In 1895 Oscar Wilde's libel trial began. In 1936 Bruno Hauptmann was executed for the kidnapping and death of the Lindbergh baby. In 1953 TV Guide was published for the first time. In 1956 the western half of the Lower Peninsula in Michigan was hit by an F5 Tornado. In 1968 Martin Luther King delivered his "I've Been to the Mountaintop" speech. In 1973 the first portable cell phone call was made in NYC. In 1996 the Unabomber was captured in Montana. And the following year all but one of the inhabitants of Thalit, Algeria were massacred.

April is the month we are currently enduring. The Romans called it Aprilis, although no one seems to know where the term came from. The Finnish call it Huhtikuu but since they have absolutely no influence on the world-at-large, no one cares what they call it. The Anglo-Saxons called the month Eostur-Monath. TS Eliot in his awesome poem "The Waste Land" wrote, "April is the cruellest month, breeding lilacs out of the dead land, mixing memory and desire, stirring dull roots with spring rain."

Birthdays: King Henry IV of England; Washington Irving; Marlon Brando; Doris Day; Jane Goodall; Wayne Newton; Alec Baldwin; David Hyde Pierce (I'd like to hang out with that guy); Eddie Murphy; and Sebastian Bach.

Please mind the gap.

Sizdah de bar

Alright, it's Hump Day again( aka, Bhud-waar, yawm al arb'a, Idal, Boomtime). And I am feeling a wee bit exhausted. For some reason I was up extremely late last night. One thing that few people would expect is that I have learned how to use tools. There was a point in my life in which I was afraid of tools. I don't know why. I was never given instruction on their use, and thus they were strange to me, like chopsticks to most Americans. Oddly enough, I learned the art of eating with chopsticks long before the manly skills of tool usage.

Anyway, today is Chaharshanbeh, Farvardin 14, 1387 in Iran and is a holiday called Sizdah de bar. This has nothing to do with drinking unfortunately. It actually is the last day of their New Year celebrations and a time for Iranians to go to parks and have picnics and throw sprouts into a river symbolizing the cycle of life. And if that doesn't complete the day, they figure out ways to develop nuclear weapons and flex their proverbial muscle.

In 1513 Ponce de Leon set foot on Florida proclaiming, "It's squishy." In 1792 the US Mint was established. In 1863 a mob of angry women rioted in Richmond, VA due to a food shortage. I believe if there's something that can change the world, it's a mob of angry women. A man can barely handle one angry woman, an entire mob of them could certainly make an impression. In 1902 the first movie theater opened in Los Angeles. In 1917 Jeannette Rankin of Montana became the first woman to take a seat in the US Congress. In 1982 Argentinian Special Forces invaded the Falkland Islands (known as the Malvinas to the Argentinians). This started a "war" which the British easily won. In 1991 Rita Johnson beame the first female Premier of a Canadian Province, British Columbia. The following year John Gotti was convicted of murder and racketeering. And in 2004 a Jihadist attack was thwarted in Madrid.

Today is Internatinal Children's Book Day and International Autism Day. The two are completely unrelated.

Birthdays: the OG, and first Holy Roman Emperor, Charlemagne; Preseident Thomas Jefferson; Hans Christian Andersen (Danish author); Emile Zola (French author); Max Ernst (German artist); Rodney King (American dumb ass); Marvin Gaye (American icon); Sir Alec Guinness (British actor) and Giacomo Casanova (Italian pimp).

I was reading a bit about Casanova and that guy lived a pretty interesting life. He basically whored his way through the upper echelon of 18th-century European society and then wound up a broken-hearted librarian in Bohemia. He said of his autobiography, "I am writing "My Life" to laugh at myself and I am succeeding." That's pretty awesome, to look back at your life and laugh. Hopefully not at yourself, but with those you love...

I've been possessed by cheese demons...someone help me.

Hunting the Gowk

Praise Cruise & Travolta that March is over. That means that today is April Fool's Day. When I woke up this morning I felt like playing a joke on someone, but then I came to work and got bombarded with work and now I feel like taking lunch even though it's just barely past 9:30. I guess the fact that it's (Tuesday, Mangal-waar, Seshanbeh, yawm-ath-thalatha, Fidal, Sweetmorn) doesn't help matters any. The only thing that makes the day seem manageable is the promise of Spring. It's also worth noting that the NFL Draft is coming up. There's no better way to spend a weekend than sitting in front of a TV watching the cattle call. (Ok, there may be a few better ways to spend a weekend.)

In 1789 the US House of Representatives held its 1st quorum and elected Fred Muhlenberg as the 1st House Speaker. In 1826 Samuel Morey patented the internal combustion engine. In 1873 the SS Atlantic sank in the Atlantic Ocean killing 547. In 1891 the Wrigley Co. was founded. In 1918 the RAF was created. In 1924 Adolf Hitler was sentenced to five years in jail, but only served nine months- early parole is never a good idea. The same day the Royal Canadian Air Force was created. In 1933 the Nazis staged a one-day strike against Jewish owned businesses. In 1939 the Spanish Civil War ended. Five years later US bombers accidentally bombed Schaffhausen, Switzerland- whoops. In 1946 a tsunami hit Hawaii killing 159. Three years later the Republic of Ireland was formed. In 1954 the US Air Force Academy was created. In 1963 "General Hospital" debuted. In 1970 Pres. Nixon signed the Public Health Cigarette Smoking Act which required warning labels and banned tobacco advertising. In 1976 Apple Computer was formed. In 1999 Nunavut became a Canadian territory. The largest city is Iqaluit which has 6200 residents. The territory is the size of Western Europe. Seven years ago the Netherlands became the first country to legalize same-sex marriages. The Dutch are so progressive. And two years ago, the British government created the Serious Organized Crime Agency by merging the Not-So-Serious and the Completely Ridiculous Organized Crime Agencies.

In ancient Rome, today was the Veneralia in honor of the goddess Venus. This was primarily a festival in which women would seek divine help in their relations with men. They would also bathe publicly which actually worked quite well in bettering their relations with men.

Happy Birthday: Otto von Bismarck, who had a donut and a battleship named after him; one of the greatest college football coaches ever, Bo Schembechler; and M-E-T-H-O-D Man.

Enjoy the day... if you are in France, beware of people putting dead fish down the back of your shirt which is apparently what they do on April Fool's Day in that godforesaken country.