The Final Four

Well, if you thought the weather couldn't get any stranger, I give you Missouri. Ok, it's warm outside, but it's also windy, and the temperature's about to drop. So, beware. And, I know that it's (Monday, Soom-waar, Doshanbeh, yawm-al-ithnayn, Kamal, Setting Orange) because I'm back at work, and I'm not really looking forward to the rest of the day. Hopefully everyone had a good weekend. I watched the first five episodes of "The Flight of the Conchords". I highly recommend it if you have any appreciation for good humor. As the title states, we've reached the Final Four of March Madness which will actually be played in April, which begins tomorrow. Thus, Memphis, UCLA, UNC, and Kansas are the last four standing. The Big Ten is blatantly absent, surprise, surprise.

In 1146 Bernard of Clairvaux, a Cistercian monk with a large following in Kalamazoo, delivered a sermon in Vezalay, France calling for the 2nd Crusade. This was largely in response to the fall of the County of Edessa. Pope Eugene III (can you believe there was more than one?) called for the Crusade and unlike the first one, largely due to Bernard's preaching, European royalty got directly involved, including Louis VII of France and Conrad III of Germany. Although not very successful in the Middle East, the Crusade led to numerous "unintended" massacres of German Jews and the reconquest of Lisbon, Portugal. In 1492 Queen Isabella ordered all Jews in Spain to either convert to Christianity or be expelled. In 1889 the Eiffel Tower was inaugurated in Paris. In 1906 the NCAA was established. In 1917 the US purchased the Danish West Indies from Denmark for $25 million. In 1918 Daylight savings time went into effect for the first time. This completely srewed everyone up for like a week except for people in parts of Indiana and Arizona who are fortunate enough to never have to change their clocks. In 1931 an earthquake destroyed Managua, Nicaragua killing 2000. In 1942 the Nazis deported 5000 Jews from Stanislawow, Ukraine to Belzec. In 1965 an Iberia Airlines flight crashed killing 47. In 1986 a Mexicana flight crashed killing 166. And in 1992 the USS Missouri was decommissioned. Several people wished that the whole state would be decommissioned and divided amongst its neighbors. Problem was that none of its neighbors would take their share, except for Arkansas which has absolutely nothing to lose and whose average IQ would not be affected by the additon.

In New Jersey, today is Thomas Mundy Peterson Day in honor of the gentleman who was the first African-American to vote following the ratification of the 15th Amendment.

In the Mediterranean island of Malta today is Freedom Day. The Romans and Greeks called the island Melita, which means "honey". The capital is Valletta and there are only 402,000 who live in the country. 98% of these people are Catholic. Last year Malta was voted as having the best climate in the world.

Happy Birthday: Pope Pius IV (dead); Rene Descartes (dead); Pope Benedict XIV (dead); Robert Bunsen (dead but after whom the bunsen burner is named); Cesar Chavez (dead); Liz Claiborne; Sheila Dikshit (what a name!!); Christopher Walken, who is awesome and a good dancer; Al Gore (pleae run for President, Mr. Gore!!); and Ewan McGregor, a fine actor.

Enjoy the day if you can. "I've always maintained that one should never tangle with anything that has more teeth than the Osmond family."

Nobody's Business But the Turks

O praise be to our spiritual leader and cultural icon Tom Cruise that it's Friday (Chukar-waar, Jom'eh, Yawm-al-jum'a, Istiqlal, Boomtime). "Hail Eris! Goddess of the Days! Boom me baby! Boom me on this booming Boomtime day! Like a great big kettle drum full of nitroglycerine! Boom!"

In 37 Caligula accepted the titles of the Principate bestowed upon him by the Senate which were basically an extension of the illusion of the Roman Republic. In other words, the title Princeps meant "first among equals" (equal to the Senate, not the common citizen) sort of like the President is supposed to be. In reality the Emperors held total power. Fortunately, our idiot does not hold all the dice or we'd probably be in a worse international position than we already are. Like all politicians, Roman Emperors were not always well-liked, and in 193 Emperor Pertinax was assassinated by the Praetorian Guards who then auctioned the throne to the highest bidder, who happened to be Didius Julianus. This would be like the Secret Service whacking GW and then selling the office to Puffius Didius. There's a sitcom or a really bad movie in that image... I can see it now... MTV Cribs does the White House. In 845 the Vikings led by Ragnar Lodbrok sacked Paris and then got a huge ransom so that they would leave. Despite the fact that you may have never heard of Ragnar, he was portrayed by Ernest Borgnine in the 1958 movie "The Vikings". I've never seen it, and I'm guessing you haven't either. In 1930 Constantinople changed its name to Istanbul. "Istanbul was once Constantinople, now it's Istanbul and not Constantinople..." In 1978 in Stump v. Sparkman the US Supreme Court ruled in a case which involved judicial immunity and forced sterilization. I don't care about judicial immunity, however the sterilization involved a mother who had her 15 year old retarded daughter's tubes tied. Apparently you don't have the right to do that. My opinion is that no one who is legally retarded (below a certain IQ) should be able to procreate. Murderers, rapists, child molesters, and insane people should also be sterilized. Ugly people too. The list goes on and on. There is nothing wrong with eugenics. There is something wrong with genetics. To screw up the gene pool even more, in 1979 there was a nuclear meltdown at the Three Mile Island Nuclear Power Plant in Pennsylvania. And in 2000 a school bus in Murray County, Georgia was hit by a freight train killing 3 children.

In the Czech Republic and Slovakia today is Teachers' Day. These two countries used to be one country and it was called Czechoslovakia. They split into two countries because the Czechs and the Slovaks hate each other.

Happy Birthday: Frederick Pabst, who created the best beer in the world; August Anheuser Busch, Jr. (can you believe that someone hated their child enough to make him a Jr.?); and Vince Vaughn, who is one of the funniest actors ever.

Enjoy your Friday, your weekend, and please in honor of Frederick's b-day, go buy some PBR and sing a glad song.

His Name is John

Good lord I'm tired of this cloudy, nasty weather. It's (Thursday, Veer-waar, Panjshanbeh, yawm-al-khamis, Istijlal, Sweetmorn) and all I want to do is zoom-a-zoom-zoom... No, seriously, that's all I want to do. I don't exactly know what that entails, but it has to be better than work. The NFL has announced that it's season opener will be between the New York football Giants and the Washington Redskins. How is it that the Redskins have not been forced to change their name yet? Maybe that says something about how much we actually care about all that PC crap. The mascot of the pro football team in our nation's capital is a derogatory term for Native Americans. That's awesome. But, NBC is worried about the game interferring with the Republican National Convention which is on the same night. I'm not sure if they're worried about their viewers or the fact that half of the people at the convention will more interested in the game than hearing a bunch of old white dudes pontificate.

In 1329 Pope John XXII condemned the German theologian Meister Eckhart as a heretic. Eckhart was considered unique as he delivered his sermons in the vernacular because he wanted people to be able to understand what the hell he was saying. In 1513 Juan Ponce de Leon sighted Florida while searching for the Fountain of Youth. The fact that he thought that it would be in Florida is funny in that Florida is one giant retirement home. In 1613 the first English child was born in Canada. In 1625 Charles I was crowned King of England, Scotland, and Ireland and then he decided to claim the title King of France as well. That's like if whoever it is that's going to get elected President decided to claim themself President of Canada as well. In 1794 the US Navy was established. In 1836 400 Texans were killed by Mexican troops. In 1881 in Basingtoke, England riots broke out because the Salvation Army wouldn't quit ringing their damn bells. I think I understand this. Tell me that after four weeks of hearing those damn bells at Christmas you don't want to throttle someone. In 1890 a tornado hit Louisville, KY and killed 76. In 1964 the strongest earthquake ever in N. America struck Alaska killing 125. Thirty years later a tornado hit a church in Piedmont, AL killing 20. And six years ago a suicide bomber killed 29 people in Netanya, Israel.

It is Angolan Victory Day today. I don't know what they were victorious over. But this south central African nation is subject to politica unrest and was in the midst of a civil war for most of my lifetime. Its capital is Luanda and there are about 16 million people in the country that is twice the size of Texas. Its main exports are oil and diamonds and most Angolans are Roman Catholics.

Another predominately Catholic nation is Luxembourg whose capital is Luxembourg. This is a relatively small country which borders France, Germany, and Belgium. Luxembourg has the highest per capita GDP in the world and one of the smallest armies- only 800 soldiers. We should invade Luxembourg and take all of their stuff. Iraq didn't have S&%T.

Happy Birthday: Quentin Tarantino and Mariah Carey, who is pretty much a whackjob, but she is kinda hot and she can sing.

Please try to have a good day, and pray to whomever it is that you pray to for the sun to come out.

Also sprack Zarathustra

"My humps, my humps, my humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps..."

Yep, it's (Wednesday, Bhud-waar, Charharshanbeh, yawm-al-arba'a, Idal, Setting Orange). I think that I deserve a cookie. I don't know why, but I do. I also think that I could give a rat's ass about Jamie Lynn Spears who has done absolutely nothing to warrant being in the news other than being Brittney's sister. Do you not see the innate human desire for monarchy in this? We long to place people on pedestals and obsess about their every act and when their visibility becomes dull, we look to their blood relations, as if by genetic proximity they share the pedestal of idolization. The royal bloodline is begged to be tainted with human flaws.

In 1484 William Caxton published his translation of Aesop's Fables. Aesop lived in ancient Greece and was responsible for stories such as "The Tortoise and the Hare" and "The Boy Who Cried Wolf". In 1552 Guru Amar Das became the 3rd Sikh guru. There is a Sikh temple in Shawnee, KS but I don't know if there are any gurus there. In 1636 Utrecht University was founded in the Netherlands. In 1812 an earthquake destroyed Caracas, Venezuela. In 1953 Jonas Salk announced he discovered a polio vaccine. In 1976 Queen Elizabeth II sent the first royal email. I bet that was exciting. In 1998 15 men wielding knives and axes killed 52 people in Algeria, 32 of whom were children under the age of two. This was one of five such events that year in which over 50 people were killed. WTF? What kind of country is Algeria? And, please, someone tell me why there are certain types of people that should not be extinguished from the gene pool. And in 1999, Jack Kevorkian, who sat across the table from me at dinner once, was found guilty of 2nd degree murder by a jury in Michigan. If you ask me, there's nothing wrong with euthanasia. If someone is terminally ill, and suffering, of sound mind and of absolutely no use to anyone any longer, let them die if they want to. What harm is there in giving someone a peaceful death?

In the south Asian country of Bangladesh, today is Independence Day. The capital is Dhaka and the country is home to over 150 million people, 2/3 of whom are farmers growing mostly tea, rice, and mustard. Roughly 90% of Bangladeshis are Muslim. The largest industry is the garment industry- read here sweatshops. Bangladesh sounds like a pretty much horrible place to live and is subject to monsoons, cyclones, and the worst flooding in the world on a yearly basis.

It is also Zoroaster's birthday today who was the prophet and founder of Zoroastrianism, which was the major Persian religion until Islam took over. The meaning of Zoroaster's name is disputed, and in Persian it's actually Zarathustra, which may mean "camel lover". It's generally assumed that he was born ca. 1000 BCE which is a really long time ago. In a nutshell, Zarathustra believed that life is a constant struggle between truth and lie and that humanity's purpose is to uphold truth (this does not apply to politicians from Texas).

Others celebrating birthdays: the poet Robert Frost; Rudolf Dassler, who founded Puma; Joseph Campbell, who wrote "The Golden Bough"; Tennessee Williams, no relation; Sandra Day O'Connor; Spock; Alan Arkin; James Caan; Nancy Pelosi; Diana Ross, a native Michigander; Steven Tyler, who is the fugliest rock star ever; Martin Short; Sopranos star, Michael Imperioli; and Kiera Knightley, who is pretty hot, although she may be one of those actresses that shouldn't voice her opinions publicly- ever.

Enjoy the hump...it only comes once a week.

The Wrath of Sarah Jessica Parker

Seshanbeh, Farvardin 6, 1387-- Yawm-ath-thalatha, Rabi-al-Awwal 17, 1429-- Prickle-Prickle, Discord 11, 3174.

Ok, so it's Tuesday (Mangal-waar, Fidal) and I think that Spring has finally arrived. As many have noted, Spring is a season of birth, or rebirth, and as such there's a great deal of chatter about fertility and whatnot among those who think of such things. This would explain the eggs and bunnies associated with Easter. It might also explain my mood today. And it would explain why today was the feast of the resurrection of Attis in ancient Greece, who was born from a virgin and then went mad and cut off his junk and then died fighting a wild boar in France. He was reborn as an evergreen. Sounds a little strange. But apparently there is still a wild boar problem in parts of the world. And if wild boars don't scare you, then perhaps sea rays will. First the Crocodile Hunter and now some random lady in Florida. I think the rays have declared war on the humans. My advice, stay away from the ocean. If you want to be near a large body of water head to the Great Lakes. There are no dangerous animals in their waters- unless you consider irradiated fish to be dangerous.

In 1584 Sir Walter Raleigh was granted a patent to exploit Virginia. That sounds very scandalous. In 1634 the first settlers arrived in Maryland. Twenty-one years later the Protestants took control of Maryland after fighting an actual war with the Catholics. Things would be so much more interesting if Christians still fought battles. I'd love to see the First Presbyterians go at it with the Fifth Reformed Church of Christ. Hairnets and dentures flying everywhere. Pastor Bill yelling out orders to his troops wielding the Good Book and a collection plate. In 1807 the slave trade was abolished in the British Empire. That same day the Swansea and Mumbles Railway became the first passenger railway in the world- which is in Wales, by the way. In 1811 Percy Bysshe Shelley was expelled from Oxford. In 1911 a fire at the Triangle Shirtwaist factory in NYC killed 146 workers. In 1947 an explosion killed 111 coalminers in Centralia, IL. In 1955 US Cusotms agents seized copies of Allen Ginsberg's "Howl" because it was obscene. We do not live in a police state. In 1990 a fire at Happy Land, an illegal social club in NYC killed 87. In 1996 the standoff between the Montana Freemen and the US government began. We do not live in a police state. And two years ago, a gunman killed 6 in Seattle before killing himself.

Until 1752 March 25 was the first day of the calendar in the British Isles and America. This was a secular celebration of the feast of the Annunciation which is when Mary received the revelation that she was el prego. The day was secularized and called Lady Day, lady being Mary.

In the eastern European country of Belarus, today is Freedom Day. The capital of Belarus is Minsk and the nation has 9.85 million people. The country used to be called White Russia and it has an incredibly good beverage named after it. I like to use carmel-flavored vodka in mine although it makes it extremely sweet. Most Belarussians work in either agriculture or manufacturing and the majority of them are Russian Orthodox.

It is also Mothers' Day in Slovenia; Maryland Day in Maryland; and Greek Independence Day. To celbrate you should call your mom, listen to Clutch, and have a gyro.

Happy Birthday: Howard Cossell; Flannery O'Connor (never ready anything by her); Gloria Steinem, hero to feminazis; Aretha Franklin, who grew up in Detroit; Elton John, who is a knight and whom I have seen in concert; and Sarah Jessica Parker, who is angry that she is not all that sexy according to Maxim. The fact that she is publicly outraged by this is ludicrous. You would think after all of the stink that gets made about that B*&%H and all the money she makes and how people literally are probably wetting themselves just to get a glimpse of her, that her head would be so GD inflated, that a half-ass men's magazine's opinion that has the respectability just above toilet paper couldn't even get itself in the same room as her mega-giant Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade float-sized noggin. F&*K you, Sarah Jessica Parker!! I will now await the death threats from Matthew Broderick.

Have a good day.

Saturday Night Mass in Iowa

Hola. Welcome to the horrorshow we like to call Monday (Soom-waar, Doshanbeh, yawm-al-ithnayn, Kamal, Pungenday). Once again, the rest of the civilized world has the day off and calls today Easter Monday. Unfortunately here I am, sitting at my desk, cursing the fact that I live in a country that values money more than sanity. But, what are you going to do? I hope that everyone had a good weekend. I know I did. I did two things I was definitely not expecting to do: a) go to Grinnell, Iowa, and, b) go to Mass on Saturday night. I've been to Grinnell once before to see the Frank Lloyd Wright bank. I have never been to Easter Vigil before. Nothing against the Catholics, but Jesus Mary and Joseph that incense gave me a headache! There's not much to say about Grinnell, but according to an observant 11-year old, "There are a lot of old people in Grinnell." Yes, it's true, Grinnell smells like cabbage.

In 1401 the Mongol Hordes sacked Damsascus. In 1832 a mob of men in Hiram, OH tarred and feathered Mormon leader Joseph Smith, Jr. I don't know about you, but I don't think that's very nice. First of all, I'm guessing that hot tar doesn't feel so great, and getting covered in feathers is just plain humiliating. I bet that there's not a lot of hair left on your body after that tar comes off. They call that a Hiram wax. In 1837 Canada gave African men the right not vote. In 1868 the Metropolitan Life Insurance Company was founded. In 1944 Nazi troops killed 335 Italian civilians for standing around and smoking cigarettes and being far too good looking just standing around doing nothing but being Italian...Ciao... In 1989 the Exxon Valdez oil spill ocurred. In 1998 in Jonesboro, Arkansas two kids shot up their middle school killing 5 people. That same day a tornado hit Dantan, Indian and killed 250. That whacko from Topeka, KS, Fred Phelps, blamed all of this on the sinful nature of America and our acceptance of the gays. And in 1999 a truck carrying flour and margarine caught fire in the Mt. Blanc Tunnel in France and killed 39. Afterwards, a witness described the scene as horrible, but said that it smelled like a gateau and left feeling extremely hungry, and guilty for feeling that way.

In ancient Latvia, today was Kazimiras Diena, a festival celebrating the return of the larks. Larks signify happiness, hope, good fortune, joy, youth, and freedom. If I had my own country, and I had to have a national bird, maybe the lark would be the one...

In Argentina today is the Day of Memory for Truth and Justice. It is also World TB Day.

Happy B-day: Harry Houdini, who died in Detroit; "I feel like Steve McQueen, a former movie star"; Tommy Hilfiger; and Peyton Manning.

Have a good day, and remember, "For those of you without hope, we have rooms with color TV, cable, and AC."

Good Friday?

The fact that it's Friday (Chukar-waar, Jom'eh, yawm-al-jum'a, Istiqlal, Setting Orange) is good enough for me. I don't really need to add in any sort of religious aspect to the day to feel positive. But, apparently much of the world actually has the day off, which I have to say makes me feel a little pissy. Whether or not you understand why on earth they call today Good Friday (as if there's something good about the torture and subsequent death of another human being- whether or not you consider JC to be human, or semi-divine, or wholly divine), most of the rest of the world does not have to work today. FTS. Even in several countries that aren't Christian, today is a federal holiday. Here at the Cheese Factory, there is no such thing as normal. There is also no loyalty, no honesty, and definitely no sense of rewarding good work with fair pay. "So, you're telling me that some poor sap had to carry a wooden cross through the city while people were poking sticks at him and making fun of him, and then the army nailed him to the same cross and left him hanging there until gravity took hold of his organs forcing them to collapse upon each other until he slowly suffocated? Well, fair play to him. Shows a lot of stamina, that does. Glad it wasn't me."

In 1556 Archbiship Thomas Cramner was burnt at the stake for heresy in Oxford, England. Good for him. In 1788 New Orleans was mostly destroyed by a fire. As we know from the movies, this was probably purposely set by citizens trying to deal with a vampire infestation. We also know that vampires look like Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise. In 1844 the Baha'i calendar began, making today the Baha'i New Year and the first day of Splendor, not to be confused with Splenda, as our calendar has not yet been sold to sponsors. That same year, William Miller, had predicted that Christ would return. As far as we know, he was wrong. William Miller was the founder of a branch of Christianity that survives in groups such as the 7th Day Adventists, the Jehovah's Witnesses, and other annoying types who unexpectedly show up at your house and interrupt a perfectly good day. If you want to get rid of them, answer the door naked. Works every time. In 1857 an earthquake killed over 100,000 in Japan. In 1971 Henry Morgan Stanley began his search for David Livingstone. In 1913 the Great Dayton Flood killed over 360 in Dayton, OH. If there was a god Dayton never would have recovered- that place is a hole. In 1960 S. African police fired on an unarmed black crowd, killing 69. In 1963 Alcatraz closed. In 1980 the US announced that it was boycotting the Summer Olympics and then later that night JR got shot on "Dallas". "Who shot JR?" became a cultural obsession, the boycot not little to no effect on our daily life. And in 2005 a kid shot 7 fellow students (and his grandpa and grandpa's GF) at his high school in Red Lake, MN.

In the south African nation of Namibia today is Independence Day. The capital is Windhoek and the nation which relies primarily on uranium and diamond mining has about 2 million people. Ten percent of the population is infected which HIV and if that won't kill them, the malaria will.

It's Harmony Day in Australia; Truant's Day in Poland; Human Rights Day in South Africa; Mothers' Day in Jordan, Lebanon, Syria, and Yemen. It is World Poetry Day. I will be accepting poems all day long which will eventually be read aloud and then thrown away, unless they're really good, in which case I'll publish them as my own several years down the road. And it is World Down Syndrome Day. I will not be accepting down syndrome inflicted children as I have no use for them.

Enjoy your weekend. Please do not eat too many chocolate eggs and/or bunnies. If you find yourself in church on Sunday with a belly ache, you have only yourself to blame. And as William Miller might have said, "The world is coming to an end, pleae log off."

It's Raining Men

I cannot say that with any sort of surety.

Today is: Prickle-Prickle, Discord 6, 3174. (It is also Thursday, Veer-waar, Yawm-al-khamis, Istijlal.) In Iran and Afghanistan today is Panjshanbeh. And apparently today is the first day of Spring. That's lovely. I like Spring. I like flowers. I like not being cold anymore. The first day of Spring is also known as the Vernal Equinox which means the length of the day and night are equal. This is important if you are a vampire. For Persians, today is a holiday known as Nowruz, and it is celebrated by Zoroastrians, Sufis, and the Baha'i. It is the Iranian New Year and as such they will probably celebrate by telling us to once again piss off. If I was ruler of the universe and someone told me to piss off, I'd rain missiles down upon their head. Or, I would bake them cookies and send their children puppies and iPods. I don't know which is more evil, death or puppies.

In 1602 the Dutch East India Company was established in order to oversee Dutch colonies in SE Asia. This was rivaled by the British who established Bombay Company where you can now buy furniture and other crap you don't really need. In 1760 the Great Fire of Boston destroyed 349 buildings. In 1852 Harriet Beecher Stowe's "Uncle Tom's Cabin" was published. I've never read it, I'll be honest with you. In 1914 the first international figure skating championship was held in New Haven, CT. One year later, after watching the event, Albert Einstein published his general theory of relativitiy. In 1922 the USS Langley was commissioned as the US Navy's first aircraft carrier. In 1934 the Great Hakodate fire in Japan killed 2165 people. In 1942 the Nazis killed 100 Poles in Zgierz, Poland and 3000 Jews in Rohatyn, Ukraine. In 1969 John Lennon married Yoko Ono in Gibraltar. This was the beginning of the end for the Beatles. However, it's been pointed out to me that due to the fact that they were really in love, maybe we should focus on the beginning of a great love story instead of the end of a great band. Afterall, "the love you have should be equal to the love you make..." or something like that. If that's the case, I'm feeling very lucky... In 1985 Libby Riddles became the 1st woman to win the Iditarod, well done. And five years ago the most recent Iraq War began. At one point GW declared victory and then he had to take it back. As you know we're still fighting the war, although I don't really even know who we're fighting anymore.

Today is International Astrology Day and World Storytelling Day. So, please check your horoscope and feel free to tell stories all day. Do not do any work. Just tell stories. And boy do I have a story for you...

Happy Birthday: Ovid, the Roman poet; Fred "Mr." Rogers, who made me feel very uncomfortable as a boy; Spike Lee, loudmouth; and Holly Hunter.

Please enjoy your day and try to get outside and do something to celebrate the end of winter. And for me, nothing says farewell to winter better than a good ol' fashion love song. By the way, will someone please explain to me what that song "Everybody Wang Chung Tonight" means? Thank you.

One Hump or Two?

Well, la-di-freaking da. It's Hump Day. Praise Jesus. Here at the Castle Cheese Factory, we like to say, Praise Chesse-us. And like all good cheesemakers, the most productive day of the week, is commonly considered to be (Wednesday, Bhud-waar, Chaharshanbeh, yawm-al-abra'a, Idal, Pungenday). In case you have been on Mars, March Madness starts tomorrow. This is the time of year when everyone fills out brackets and predicts who is going to win the NCAA tournament in the hopes of possibly winning the office pool and making everyone else look like an idiot. I always lose because I tend to pick the games based on a real life battle between the mascots. For example, Mississippi St. Bulldogs v. Oregon Ducks, in my opinion a bulldog would probably kill a duck if it could catch it. However, ducks can fly and bulldogs have breathing problems, so there's a chance that the bulldog would have a heart attack trying to catch the duck. Still, I'm going to go with the bulldog based on leverage and power- not to mention that birds always lose in my book because I hate them. This line of reasoning gets more difficult when you have a game like the Vanderbilt Commodores v. the Siena Saints. Only an idiot would pick a naval officer over an extra-terrestrial being, unless by saint you are just referring to a good person, in which case you have to take a military man. I think you get the picture...

In 1279 the Mongol Hordes defeated the Chinese at the Battle of Yamen. In 1687 explorer Robert Cavelier de La Salle's men murdered him because he had smelly feet. In 1918 the US Congress passed a law establishing Time Zones and approving daylight saving time. People in Indiana and Arizona are still confused by this 90 years later. In 1931 gambling was legalized in Nevada. In 1979 C-Span began televising the meetings of the US House of Representatives, generally considered to be the most boring thing to ever happen to television. In 2002 during Operation Anaconda US-led forces killed 500 Taliban and only lost 11 soldiers. And in 2005 Wales won the Six Nations Grand Slam rugby championship.

Today in ancient Rome was the Quinquartia, a five-day long festival in honor of Minerva, the goddess of warriors, poetry, and music. Women were urged to consult fortune-tellers while men were urged to consult bartenders. Poetry contests were held and plays were performed for the entertainment of the masses. If that's not enough, they had parades of wild beasts. Sounds fun.

It is also St. Joseph's Day, in honor of the father of Jesus (surrogate not heavenly). Joseph is the patron saint of workers. In Spain, Portugal, Belgium, and Italy, today is also Fathers' Day.

Happy Birthday: Wyatt Earp; Glenn Close; and Bruce Willis.

"Don't knock masturbation; isn't sex with someone you love the best kind?"

A New York Minute

Praise the lord, we made it through Monday. That being the case it's now Tuesday (Mangal-waar, Seshanbeh, yawm-ath-thalatha, Fidal, Boomtime). It's been pointed out to me that I am ignorant when it comes to pop culture. I have only a cursory understanding of what's going on the world of pop music, celebrity gossip, etc. For years I have actually considered this to be a good thing, but I am quickly learning that it is a character flaw. It is actually un-American to be as ignorant as I, and thus, the government has informed me that if I do not start paying attention to pop culture, they are going to put me on the shortlist for volunteers to undergo the new, non-invasive torture techniques the intelligence agencies are going to start using during hostile interrogations. My first test is going to be some form of trivia contest. I am nervous.

In 37 Caligula was proclaimed Roman Emperor. Caligula was likely one of the craziest bastards to have ever been ruler of anything. I'm sure it was exciting though. We're upset when a governor has an affair with a prostitute. Caligula forced the Senators' wives to prostitute themselves at a government fundraiser. Bill Clinton got in trouble for trying to get Monica a job. Caligula had his horse elected to the Senate. We get angry when it's obvious that some lackey takes the fall for those higher up in the government. Caligula has a peach tree tried and hung for the murder of one of his political rivals. We're so stuffy. In 1229 Frederick II declared himself to be King of Jerusalem, during the 6th Crusade. In 1241 Krakow was ravaged by the Mongol Hordes. In 1314 Grand Master of the Knights Templar, Jacque de Molay, was burned at the stake for heresy. In 1850 American Express was founded, don't leave home without it. In 1893 Lord Stanley donated a silver cup to the best hockey team. The Stanley Cup is still awarded to the best hockey team in the NHL. In 1925 the Tri-State Tornado hit Missouri, Illinois, and Indiana killing 695 people. In 1937 the New London (TX) School exploded killing over 300 people, mostly children of rich people. Nothing against rich people, but bad things hardly ever happen to them. In 1953 an earthquake hit Turkey killing 250. In 1965 Cosmonaut Alksei Leonov became the first person to walk in space. And in 2005 Terry Schiavo's feeding tube was removed and people went apeshit. This was one of the most embarrassing moments in the history of America. She was a vegetable. She had no quality of life and was being kept alive by a machine. It was not euthanasia which is a preemptive act. It was allowing her body to die naturally. Ask Jack Kevorkian (who by the way is from Pontiac, MI).

Today is Flag Day in Aruba. The motto of this 21-mile long island is "One Happy Island". The capital is Oranjestad and there are about 104,000 people who live there. Tourism is the major industry and it is officially part of the the Kingdom of the Netherlands. I would much rather be in Aruba right now, this dreary weather is getting me down.

It is also the ancient Latvian festival of Bindus Diena which has something to do with insects, washing cows, and having to get up before sunrise. FTS. In America it is National Biodiesel Day and after drinking some PBR and eating sloppy joes, I've got plenty of biodiesel right here. And in Nigeria, it's Mothers' Day.

Happy Birthday: Mary Tudor, who became Queen of France; President Grover Cleveland; Edgar Cayce, whacko; novelist, John Updike; Vanessa Williams (no relation); Queen Latifah; and Dane Cook, who is really not funny.

Enjoy your day and remember, "Some girls are just bigger than others."

Stay Away from the Green Beer

Or, "Don't Paint Horses Green," or, "Omaha Rocks."

Dear Readers: Why on earth did anyone think that Monday (Soom-waar, Doshanbeh, Yawm-al-ithnayn, Kamal, Sweetmorn) was a good idea? I know that I don't. And on a nasty, rainy, dark day like today, getting out out of bed is made even more difficult by someone who starts the day like a crazed leprechaun...(The first appearance of the word leprechaun in the English language comes in an 17th-century work entitled "The Honest Whore", "As for your Irish Lubrican, that spirit, Whom by preposterous charms thy lust has raised.") Leprechauns are generally considered to be a form of faerie folk who are by profession shoemakers and are both thrifty and hardworking.

In 45 BCE, Julius Caesar won his decisive and last military victory at the Battle of Munda. In 180 Marcus Aurelius died and Commodus assumed the title of Emperor, just like in the movies. In 624 the Muslim forces of Medina defeated the Quraysh of Mecca. Don't ever forget that Islam spread through violence and the use of force and not through voluntary conversion. In 1756 St. Patrick's Day was celebrated in NYC for the first time. In 1845 the rubber band was patented. In 1891 the British steamship SS Utopia sank killing 574 people. In 1906 Phi Kappa Tau was founded at Miami University in Oxford, OH. Miami has a very good dental school and is the alma mater of Ben Rothlisberger. In 1917 at NYU Law School Delta Phi Epsilon was founded. In 1942 the first Jews were gassed at the Belzec death camp. In 1958 the first solar-powered satellite was launched into orbit, and it's still up there. In 1985 Richard Ramirez began his killing spree in LA. In 1988 a Columbian jetliner crashed into a mountain killing 143. And in 1992 a car bomb exploded at the Israeli embassy in Buenos Aires killing 29.

As many of you know, today is the ancient Latvian holiday of Kustonu Diena, or the return of the larks. It is also the Liberalia, which was a festival devoted the the maturation of young, Roman boys. At the age of 14 they would remove the bulla preatexta, a charm they wore around their neck and give this to their mothers, who would place the charm in a secret hiding place for good luck. In more ancient times, the Liberalia was a fertility festival, and villagers would carry a large phallus around town in order to ensure the fertility of the people and the crops. It is also the 2nd day of the Bacchanalia which was a giant drinking party and orgy. That works out well, for St. Patrick's Day, no?

Alright, so, who was St. Patick? He was a monk who converted the pagans of Ireland into Catholics with the clever use of the shamrock to illustrate the Trinity. It is rumored that he drove the snakes out of Ireland, but the fact is that there were never any snakes in Ireland. I have been to the Hill of Slane, the location of the last conversion of the Irish pagans, and have been the St. Patrick's Day Parade in Dublin. Not impressed. The Irish do not understand the concept of what a parade should be. Really all they do is go to pubs and sing drinking songs and spend time with their families.

Happy Birthday: Nat King Cole; the serial killer, John Wayne Gacy; Kurt Russell, star of films such as Overboard; Gary Sinise, a fine actor; Rob Lowe, pervert; and Billy Corgan, who's an ass.

Happy St. Patrick's Day. And if you get a chance to go to Omaha, please do, it's a wonderful city.

Happy White Day

Thank you John Travolta for granting us the strength to make it to Friday (Chukar-waar, Jom'eh, yawm-al-jum'a, Istiqlal, Pungenday). Without you we would not appreciate the finer things in life such as bad acting and a sick longing to watch Grease at least once a year. "Grease lightning, go grease lightning."

I am tired of hearing about Elliot Sptizer and the hooker. What I'm not tired of hearing about is whether or not the Beckhams are leaving. After they graced us with their presence, I became obsessed. I believed that they alone would save us from Bradgelina and TomKat. I was so wrong. I thought they would displace Paris, Brittney, and Lindsey and give us something beautiful to look at. Again, I was wrong. It turns out they are less interesting than the rest of the entire world thinks they are, sort of like soccer. Maybe they should release a sex tape. That would rocket them into a status beyond anything this world has ever witnessed.

In 1489 the Queen of Cyprus sold her entire kingdom to Venice. In 1590 Henry of Navarre and his Huguenots (French Protestants) defeated the Catholics at the Battle of Ivry. Those were the good ol' days, when Protestants and Catholics were killing each other. Now they just co-exist peacefully and take out the disagreements on the football field. In 1794 Eli Whitney patented the cotton gin, which is not a tasty beverage. In 1889 Ferdinand von Zeppelin patented his navigable ballon. In 1900 the Gold Standard Act was ratified linking US currency to the gold standard. I don't know what this means. I do know that US currency is worth about as much as toilet paper right now. In 1926 a train in Costa Rica fell into the Rio Varilla and killed 248 people. In 1964 a jury found Jack Ruby guilty of killing Lee Harvey Oswald. In 1979 a plane crashed into a factory in Beijing killing about 200. And in 1980 a plane crashed near Warsaw, Poland killing 87, including an American boxing team.

In the nation of goat-herders, Albania, today is Summer Day. In Japan and Korea it is White Day, which is their equivalent of Valentine's Day. In Estonian, white is "valge", which is important because it's Estonian Language Day. "Punane" means "red" in Estonian. In ancient Rome it was the second day of the Equirria, the horse races devoted to Mars. And for people who give a rat's ass about math, today is Pi Day.

Happy Birthday: Casey Jones, who both Johnny Cash and The Grateful Dead sang about; Albert Einstein; Diane Arbus, as played by Nicole Kidman; owner of the Detroit Lions, Wm. Clay Ford, Sr.; Sir Michael Caine; Quincy Jones, no relation to Casey; Billy Crystal; Eva Angelina, a talented actress; and a woman who began her career as a stripper right here in Missouri, Brianna Love. Brianna's figure has been described as callipygian which is a Greek term meaning "of the nice buttocks".

Please have a good weekend and spend your paychecks wisely.

Poor Elliot Spitzer

Ok, I get it already, it's (Thursday, Veer-waar, Istijlal). I'm supposed to be happy about that?

In Iran today is: Panjshanbeh, Esfand 23, 1386; in Iraq: yawm-al-khamis, Rabi al-Awwal 5, 1429; and for Disocordians: Boomtime, Chaos 72, 3174.

Elliot Spitzer, the soon to be former governor of New York has resigned. Can you imagine having to admit in front of the entire world that you just destroyed your entire life because you liked some high-priced horizontal recreation? Good Mr. Spitzer is a Democrat, is a practicing Jew, and attended Princeton and Harvard Law School. So, not only was he the elected leader of the people of New York, he also considered himself to be of the elect of god, and he was an attorney (a profession which is supposed to adhere to some sort of ethical code). You can say what you will, and I'm sure you'll think, "He's going to Hell." Problem is Jews don't believe in Hell so it's really a moot point. I bet he liked to be spanked. I'll take bets on how soon a porno is made based on these events. I give it within the month.

In 1138 Victor IV became the anti-Pope. Yes, there was a time in history when the Catholic Church was suffering from a great deal of internal divisiveness. Much of this had to do with the relationship between the Church and the Holy Roman Empire and the struggle for political power in Europe. I'm glad all that's behind us and all we have to worry about is child-molesting priests. In 1639 Harvard College was named after clergyman John Harvard. In 1781 while in his garden, William Herschel discovered Uranus. He was fond of saying to people at parties, "I love standing in my garden and looking at Uranus." He never quite understood the snickers. In 1897 San Diego State University was founded. Their mascot: Aztecs. In 1900 France limited the length of the workday for women and children to 11 hours. In 1925 Tennesse prohibited the teaching of evolution setting the standard for complete ignorance, a cause still proudly born by the Kansas Department of Education. In 1943 Nazi forces liquidated the Jewish ghetto in Warsaw, Poland. In 1991 Exxon agreed to pay $1 billion for the cleanup of the Exxon Valdez spill in Alaska. Don't worry, they've made all their money back tenfold over the past eight years thanks to GW. The following year, over 500 died when an earthquake struck Turkey. In 1996 a crazed lunatic shot and killed 17 at a school in Dunbane, Scotland before killing himself. The British quickly pointed out that the likely influence was an obsession with The Jerry Springer Show (which is one of the most popular American TV shows in the UK). And in 2005 Terry Ratzmann killed 7 members of the Church of the Living God at a Sheraton Inn in Brookfield, WI.

Someone has requested a picture of a puppy, so being that it's the first request for anything, I'll honor it. But don't think that this is going to happen all the time. I maintain the right to interpret any request as I see fit. Don't hate the playa, hate the game...

Happy Birthday: Pope Innocent XII (dead); L. Ron Hubbard, the founder of the Church of the Living Tom Cruise; Donald Duck; and William H. Macy.

Please send Gov. Spitzer's wife flowers. And remember: "The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and three hundred sixty-two admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision."

Happy Jurgu Diena

"People, they say I'm really funny looking, but that's alright, 'cause I get things cookin'. You glare, stare, you're constantly tryin' to compare me, but you can't get near me."

That's right, it's Hump Day!! And we should all go home and do the Humpty Hump. It's not as exciting as bed wrestling, but it's a close second. Here at the Cheese Factory, it's come to my attention that the new MMG feels awkward around me. FTS! The fact that she even said that makes me want to smack someone. Ok, being that it's (Wednesday, Bhud-waar, Chaharshanbeh, yawm-al-arba'a, Idal, Sweetmorn), I'm just thankful that I don't have cankles. And according to investigators, Gov. Spitzer was a "repeat customer". Do hookers have those punch cards like the coffee shop downstairs? Buy ten, get the next one free. Now that's worth getting your card punched.

In 1664 New Jersey became a British Colony. Shortly thereafter the women began growing extremely large hair and wearing sweatsuits to hide their ginormous buttocks. In 1894 Coca-Cola was sold in bottles for the first time. In 1912 the Girl Guides was founded. They later changed their name to the Girl Scouts and began selling cookies. In 1918 Moscow replaced St. Petersberg as the capital of Russia. One good thing to drink during the summer is the Moscow Mule. They are crisp and refreshing and after several of them it actually feels like a mule kicked you in the forehead. Ten years later the St. Francis dam in California burst and killed 400 people. In 1930 Mahatma Gandhi led a march to the sea to protest the British monopoly on salt. Salt is one thing that we take for granted. If you wanted some salt, all you need to do is to walk into any restaurant and steal the shaker from the table. At one point in time salt was more valuable than gold. Pliny the Elder stated, "...a civilized life is impossible without salt." Roman soldiers actually received part of their salary in salt. How pissed would you be if on Friday, your boss gave you half your normal paycheck and the remainder in a giant box of Morton's salt? In 1993 several bombs exploded in Bombay, India killing about 300 people. And in 1994 the Church of England ordained its first female priests. Do they all them priestesses? Or is that sexist, like all mailmen are now mailcarriers, and stewardesses are now flight attendants? I defer to the experts on this one.

In the Faroe Islands, which are located due north of Scotland and are an autonomous province of Denmark, today is Graekarismessa. Traditionally it is the day that the oystercatcher bird returns to the islands. I had no idea that birds could catch oysters. How do they open the shells? In any case, the capital of the Faroes is Torshvan, and the province is home to 48,500. The primary industries on the islands are sheep raising and fishing.

On the island nation of Mauritius today is Independence Day. The capital is Port Louis and the island, which is off the eastern coast of Africa, is home to 1.3 million people, most of whom are of Indian (dot not feather) descent and the majority of whom are Hindu. Mauritius has the 2nd highest GDP in Africa and its primary industries are sugar exports and tourism. Mark Twain said of the island, "You gather the idea that Mauritius was made first and then Heaven, and that Heaven was copied after Mauritius." It almost makes me want to go there, although I bet Twain never went to Michigan.

Jurgu Diena is also today which was the ancient Latvian equivalent of Groundhog Day, only substitute a fox for the groundhog.

It is Arbor Day in China.

Happy Birthday: Jack Kerouac, the great Beat author; Liza Minnelli; Mitt Romney, sorry about your luck there Mitt; and the Hedgehog, Ron Jeremy, who gives all men hope (and makes most of us feel inadequate).

Have a good day...

Moeshoeshoe

"'Don't Worry, Be Happy' was a number one jam, damn if I say it, you can slap me right here..."

Ok, so it's not Monday any more. That's something positive. Another positive thing is the fact that it's going to be warm tomorrow. Needless to say, today is (Tuesday, Mangal-waar, Seshanbeh, yawm-ath-thalatha, Fidal, Setting Orange). One bad thing about not having cable is that you lose touch with what's going in the world. I know, you can use the internet for things other than looking at free porn, email, and writing this damn thing... but why? Most of what you get is celebrity gossip and b.s. Although, I did see that the governor of New York got busted for soliciting prostitutes. I liked that he said that he didn't live up to his "own standards of what is right and wrong." That's crap. Obviously on some level, he thinks getting a $15 blowjob in a hotel in Dayton, Ohio is acceptable. If he didn't, he wouldn't have done it. I am of the firm belief that prostitution should be legalized nationwide. At least then the federal government could tax it and regulate it and not waste our tax money prosecuting it. In the end, it's a victimless crime. I know, someone's going to say that the prostitutes are the victims, having been forced into that lifestyle by circumstance (drug addiction, abuse, etc.). I don't care about that mess. It's a business, it has been around since the dawn of time. Where there are married men and priests that have some extra money to blow, there are women who will blow them for their money. It is what it is. Legalize it, take the criminality out of it. Tax the shit out of it and regulate it like a tatoo parlor so that it's as safe as bodily fluids can be. Legality won't make socially acceptable for our leaders and parents to participate in, they just won't go to jail for it.

In 1702 the 1st daily English-language newspaper "The Daily Courant" was published in England. In 1779 the Army Corps of Engineers was established. In 1824 the Bureau of Indian Affairs was created in order to figure out a way to handle the Indian problem. In 1845 self-raising flour was invented. I have no idea what that means. In 1864 a flood killed over 250 people in Sheffield, England. In 1888 a blizzard hit the eastern US and killed over 400. In 1918 the first confirmed cases of the Spanish flu popped up in Ft. Riley, KS. Ft. Riley is so named because there is a fort there. Apparently there is still a military base there to this day. The most famous person to come from Riley County, KS is Clementine Paddleford who was a famous food writer in the mid-20th century. She is mentioned in such well-known books as "The United States of Arugua." In 1959 "A Raisin In The Sun" premiered on Broadway. In 1977 Islamic militants took over 130 hostages in Washington, D.C. The following year Al Fatah militants hijacked a bus in Israel and killed 34 civilians. In 1993 Janet Reno beame the first "female" attorney general. In 1997 Paul McCartney was knighted. And in 2004 Islamic militants bombed a train in Madrid killing 192. Instead of getting angry and all hostile, the Spanish quickly voted in an anti-American government which favored cowardism instead of an all-out holy war against the jihadists.

In the northern European nation of Lithuania today is Independence Day. The capital is Vilnius and the nation is home to 3.5 million people most of whom are Catholic. Lithuania has the highest suicide rate in the world.

In the southern African nation of Zambia, today is Youth Day. There are 11.7 million people who live in Zambia, whose capital is Lusaka. The life expectancy in Zambia is under 40 years and the AIDS epidemic is severe, in 2004 over 100,000 died of the disease.

Today is Johnny Appleseed Day in the USofA. Born John Chapman, Johnny Appleseed became famous for his missionary work and planting apple trees. He was an adherent to Swedenborigianism, which is a mystical form of Christitanity. Swedenborgians emphasize charity and that your actions in this world determine your fate in the next. They are extremely open to the idea that your belief system does not determine your place in the afterlife. Marriage is considered to be eternal and the epitome of the human existence (both in this life and in Heaven). Self-love and materialism are considered to be the root of all evil and are tickets straight to hell.

Happy Birthday: Lawrence Welk; Rupert Murdoch, antichrist; Bobby McFerin; the very talented, Nina Hartley; former Pantera drummer, Vinnie Paul; Jesse Jackson, Jr.; and Paul Wall.

Have a wonderful day.

A Schottenheimer Sighting

Once again back it's the incredible...

First of all, let me just start off by saying, "Welcome." Secondly, let me follow that up by saying that this whole moving the clock thing is for the birds. And birds are dirty, filthy animals that spread diseases and rain down missiles of poop from the sky. Some of them should be eaten. Most should not. It is my humble opinion that any bird that cannot fly is not really a bird, but the beginnings of a tasty meal, e.g., chickens and turkeys. I know that someone out there is going to bring up penguins, and I am of the firm belief that penguins are actually some strange alien lifeform that arrived at the same time the Salvation Army arrived in the USA and began covert bell-ringing operations (which happened on today's date in 1880). I dare you to show me any proof that penguins existed on the earth before 1880.

Ok, with that out of the way, it's Monday (Soom-waar, Doshanbeh, yawm-al-ithnayn, Kamal, Prickle-Prickle) and it's a bit nipply outside. I was fortunate enough to eat an incredibly good, albeit overpriced, meal at Morton's Steakhouse on Saturday night. A good steak is hard to beat, but a steak which costs that much money is hard to swallow. (Actually that is not true, it's just as easy to swallow an expensive steak as it is a cheap one and they usually taste better.) As the meal was ending and the stories of how your parents discovered your porn stash were winding down, I was made aware that sitting at the table next to us was none other than Marty Schottenheimer. If I could have the night over, I would love to ask Marty whether or not his parents ever found his porn stash.

Way back when before the calendar changed completely, in 241 BCE the Roman navy defeated the Carthiginian navy at the Battle of the Aegates Islands ending the First Punic War. In 1801 the first census was held in Great Britain. In 1831 the French Foreign Legion was established. In 1848 the Mexican-American War ended. As a reward we got what is now California, Arizona, and New Mexico, all of which are slowly being reconquered by Mexico. In 1876 Alexander Graham Bell made the first successful telephone call reportedly saying, "Mr. Watson, come here, I want to see you." I bet he added "naked" on the end of that sentence, but that's just a guess. In 1906 1099 miners died in Courrieres, France. In 1918 Warner Brothers released its first major film "My Four Years in Germany." In 1933 an earthquake in Long Beach, CA killed 120. In 1977 astronomers discovered some rings around Uranus. Damn astronmers always sticking their telescopes where they don't belong. And in 1987 the Holy See condemned the practice of surrogate motherhood, as well as test-tube babies, aritificial insemination, and intermittent windshield wipers.

Happy Birthday: Chuck Norris, a great American hero; Osama bin Laden, our most hated enemy; Sharon Stone; one of the greatest music producers in history, Rick Rubin; former Purdue Boilermaker and Pittsburgh Steeler, Rod Woodson; Timbaland; Robin Thicke; and Carrie Underwood (who was being discussed last night).

Enjoy the day, I'll leave you with this: "Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life."

Don't make 'em like they used to...

Brothers and Sisters, do you know what this world is coming to? (I think we're approaching tang.)

Ok, so, first of all, thank you o lord and savior, Tom Cruise, for allowing us to make it to another (Friday, Chukar-waar, Jom'eh, yawm-al-jum'a, Istiqlal, Sweetmorn). I see nothing but blue skies, blueberries, and a refrigerator in my immediate future. Being that it's the first Friday of the month, downtown KC celebrates First Friday with artsy type stuff going on. I will be in attendance because that's how I roll. And as I'm sure you heard, a bomb exploded in Times Square yesterday. It really wasn't much of a bomb and nowhere near as troubling as those poor rabbinical students in Jerusalme who got shot trying to study the Torah. Then there were multiple suicide bombings yesterday in both Iraq and Pakistan. We live in a volatile world.

In 161 Marcus Aurelius and Lucius Verus became co-Emperors of the Roman Empire, a first. In 321 Roman Emperor Constantine I declared that dies Solis Invicti (Sunday) to be a day of rest. Wait a minute, I thought that Jesus did that. In 1277 the Bishop of Paris condemned 219 philosophical and theological theses circulating at the University of Paris. Damn liberal academics. In 1850 Senator Daniel Webster gave the 7th of March Speech endorsing the Compromise of 1850 which was an attempt to avert a civil war over the slavery issue. In 1876 Alexander Graham Bell was granted a patent for the telephone. In 1965 Alabama state police and local police from Selma, AL forcefully dispersed a crowd of 600 civil rights protesters, an event which was televised and dubbed Bloody Sunday. This was not the event which U2 sang about in their song "Sunday, Bloody Sunday." In 1969 Golda Meir became the first female Prime Minister of Israel. Oy vey. Twenty years later China declared martial law in Tibet out of fear that peace loving Buddhist monks would meditate them to death. And two years ago Apple, Inc. was granted a patent for the iPod. I was fortunate enough to find an iPod a couple of months ago. I have still not used it because I am slow to make the move towards any new technology. By the time I learn how to use the damn iPod, the next big thing will have come out, and I will once again be made fun of by my homies and peeps.

In the SE European nation of Albania (which means land of goat lovers), it is Teachers' Day. The capital is Tirana and there are 3.6 million citizens all of whom love goats.

On the island of Bali, today is Nyepi, or the Day of Silence. This is a Hindu festival celebrating self-reflection. People are urged to be quiet, fast, and meditate. No one works and even the airport is closed. So good luck getting there today.

Happy Birthday: Robert Roy McGregor (aka Rob Roy); Ephraim Williams, for whom Williams College is named after- and no relation to me; William Rockhill Nelson, founder of the KC Star and the Nelson-Atkins Art Museum; Tammy Faye Bakker (we miss your tattooed eyebrows); Steeler greats, Franco Harris and Lynn Swann; and super hottie Laura Prepon.

Enjoy your Friday and have a good weekend. And we here at The Almighty COD would like to remind you that "We don't hate vegetarians, we just think they're funny."

Down with Omar

What up? I don' t know about you, but in KC it's Thursday (Veer-waar, yawm-al-khamis, Istijlal, Setting Orange). Once again it's cold outside and once again the Cheese Factory's computers are running slow. Please do not mistake the Cheese Factory for a well-oiled machine. Cheese when melty, tends to clog up the gears. It also can clog other things, especially when one is lactose intolerant. That's disgusting!

Alright, so, today's date in Iran and Afghanistan is Panjshanbeh, Esfand 16, 1386. This is important because the man who created the Persian calendar, Omar Khayyam, finished it on this date in 1079 (our calendar not his). Not only was Omar a calendar creator, he was also a poet and a mathematician. I generally don't think of math dorks being poets, but as I was discussing with this goofy friend of mine the other day, there is some link between math and music, and so I guess it's not a total shocker. And example of Omar's work: "And that inverted Bowl we call The Sky, Whereunder crawling coop't we live and die, Lift not thy hands to It for help- for It, Rolls impotently on as Thou or I."

In 1820 the worst state in the Union according to one very opinionated woman, Missouri, was admitted as a slave state when President James Monroe signed the Missouri Compromise into law. In 1836 the Alamo fell to Mexican troops after a 13-day siege. My grandmother is going to San Antonio next week and I'm hoping she'll bring me back a souvenir from the Alamo. I myself am opposed to the idea of Texas. Steers and queers, baby. (N.b., I have nothing against either steers or queers- I just don't like Texans.) In 1853 Verdi's opera La Traviata premiered in Venice. In 1899 Bayer registered a trademark for aspirin. In 1951 the Rosenberg trial began. In 1983 USFL began its first season of competition. I was ten when the USFL started and I was so excited that there was going to be football on in the Spring that I nearly wet myself. Despite what any of you might think, football is the greatest sport in the history of athletics, and anyone who disagrees with me is just plain wrong. And in 1987 the British ferry MS Herald of Free Enterprise (which is a silly name for a ferry from a socialist country) capsized killing 193.

In the West African nation of Ghana today is Independence Day. In the Ashanti language Ghana means "warrior king". Its capital is Accra and the nation has about 23 million inhabitants. Ghana's economy depends mainly on the export of gold, cocoa, timber, diamonds, and other stuff, although 85% of the population is employed in agriculture. 63% of Ghanans are Christians

Happy Birthday: Michelangelo; Cyrano de Bergerac; Lou Costello; Ed McMahon; Alan Greenspan; the most famous crackhead ever, Marion Barry, Jr.; David Gilmour, of Pink Floyd; Tom Arnold; D.L. Hughley; and Shaq.

Learn Mandarin Now

Once again we find ourself in the center of another week. Being that its (Wednesday, Bhud-waar, Chaharshanbeh, yawm-al-arba'a, Idal, Prickle-Prickle), I am finding it necessary to once again point out that a more stringent form of drivers' education should be required for all Missouri residents. I would also like to propose legislation that makes it legal to shoot missiles at anyone who attempts to merge onto the highway going 25mph. And, I would like someone to inform all individuals who drive full-size trucks that are NOT driving semis and do not need to make exagerrated, slow turns, nor do they have to drive 5mph for the first 1/2 mile after proceeding through an intersection. If you think the roads are dangerous now, wait until I get a tank.

Ok, now that I've gotten that out of the way, please be aware that Hillary is back in the race. I am not one for severe political upheaval, but if either Hillary or Barack are elected, I would be in favor of a military coup.

In 1770 a snowball fight in Boston turned violent when British troops opened fire on American civilians, killing five. This reminds me of a snowball fight at Michigan State my freshman year in college which turned into a riot. The National Guard was disbursed to stop it. If you don't believe me, ask CNN, they had their cameras there filming the whole thing. In 1836 Samuel Colt made the first production-model revolver. In 1842 Mexican troops invaded Texas. The Mexicans are still invading, they're just being less obvious about it. In 1850 the Britania Bridge across the Menai Straits opened linking the Isle of Anglesey to North Wales. I have been across this bridge many times, and can attest to the fact that it is indeed a bridge and is a very nice bridge at that. In 1868 the opera Mefistofele opened at La Scala. In 1933 the Nazis won 44% of the vote in parliamentary elections in Germany. In 1940 the Soviets ordered the execution of 25,700 Poles. Death, death, death, lunch, death, death, death, afternoon tea... In 1946 Winston Churchill coined the phrase "Iron Curtain" to describe the Soviet division of Eastern Europe. Little did he know that the same phrase would be used to describe the defense of the 1970's Pittsburgh Steelers, which is far more meaningful and important. In 1966 a BOAC flight crashed in Japan killing 124. And in 2001 35 pilgrims were crused to death in a stampede in Mecca during the Hajj. What's up with the stampedes during the Hajj? They're like god damned sheep- in burkas.

Today is Learn from Lei Feng Day in China. Lei Feng was a soldier who at the ripe old age of 22 was crushed by a telephone pole that was struck by a truck. Somehow the Chinese government turned this into a morality story and celebrated his life as the epitome of what it means to be a good Chinese citizen and that all Chinese should be like Lei Feng: cheerfully selfless and noble in thought. I don't understand how a random death such as having a telephone pole fall on you and kill you is indicative of anything but bad luck, but Mandarin also has no verb conjugation, making it hard to talk about anything that is not in the present tense. Chinese food tastes good though and the industrious Chinese provide us with entire Wal-Marts full of cheap crap while completely ignoring any human rights standards to which the rest of the civilized world ascribes.

Happy birthday: King Henry II of England (dead); King David II of Scotland (dead); and Tang Gonghong, the famous Chinese weightlifter who was the basis for the charcter Long Duck Dong in Sixteen Candles.

Have a splendid day and inform your superiors that: "The most useful tool for dealing with management types is, of course, an automatic weapon."

Princeps Iuventutis

Pungenday, Chaos 63, 3174. Seshanbeh, Esfand 14, 1386. Yawm-ath-thalatha, Safar 25, 1429.

In any case it's Tuesday (Mangal-waar, Fidal) and I feel like chicken. I don't know what chicken feels like, but I do know what it tastes like. It tastes of babies. Just to clear the air, I have been to South Dakota. I have driven from one side of the state to the other and gotten a speeding ticket coming out of the mountains. I have gotten off the freeway and driven 20 miles in the search for gas only to find a deserted town. I have been witness to a doctor and a vet sharing the same trailer. I have seen the best that godforesaken state has to offer, and I would like to push myself away from the table and say, "no more jell-o for me, mom." I don't ask for much in life, but an occasional tree would be nice. As for the great state of Michigan, I will let it speak for itself, what other state is blessed with its beauty AND shaped like a mitten?

In 51 Nero was given the title "princeps iuventutis" or "prince of the youth". In 1152 Frederick Barbarossa was elected King of the Germans. In 1215 King John of England pledged an oath to Pope Innocent III to go on the next crusade. In 1238 at the Battle of Sit River the Mongol Hordes clashed with Russian troops. In 1493 Christopher Columbus returned to Portugal from America. In 1570 King Philip II of Spain banned Dutch students. I can't blame him, Dutch students are so pompous, capable of speaking multiple languages fluently, blonde haired, blue-eyed, like little Nazi youth. The Dutch have also been bred to have fat little fingers for dyke maintenance (that almost sounds perverse). In 1629 Massachusetts Bay Colony was granted a royal charter. Five years later Samuel Cole opened the first tavern in Boston. In 1681 William Penn was granted a royal charter for Pennsylvania. In 1778 the US entered into two treaties with France which were the first treaties for the fledgling US government. I hate the French. In NYC the US Congress met for the first time and decided to waste taxpayer money ad finitum. Vermont was admitted as a state in 1791. Three years later the 11th Amendment was ratified. Like most sequels, it just doesn't compare to the first ten. In 1837 Chicago was incorporated as a city. In 1861 the first national flag of the Confederate States of America was adopted. In 1902 AAA was established. In 1908 in Cleveland, OH a fire at the Collinwood School killed 174 people. In 1917 Jeanette Rankin of Montana became the 1st female member of th US House of Representatives. In 1933 Frances Perkins became the first female Cabinet member when she became Secretary of Labor. I could make all sorts of jokes about that one, but I won't. In 1977 an earthquake in Bucharest killed over 1500. And in 1997 President Bill Clinton signed a ban on human cloning research, he did, however, leave a clause in the language that permitted the cloning of semi-attractive female interns with kind faces.

A lot of people were born today, but I've never heard of 98% of them. The composer Vivaldi's birthday is today as is Jason Newsted's, former bassist for Metallica, and raised in Gull Lake, Michigan!!! Take that beatches.

Have a whompadilly of a day! And remember, "He who hates vices hates mankind."

Hinamatsuri

By the smell in the air, I can tell that it's (Monday, Soom-waar, Doshanbeh, yawm-al-ithnayn, Kamal, Boomtime). Not only have we begun a new week, but a new month as well. Ah, yes, it's March. It is the month dedicated to the god Mars and by Latins (the real Latins, not the neo-Latinos) was called Martius. March is Women's History Month and American Red Cross Month. I don't know why women need their own history month, it's not like they're oppressed or anything, not to mention the fact that they'll probably spend more time arguing amongst each other whether Oprah or Hillary should be running for office and who's ass looks bigger in that pants suit. As for the Red Cross, I leave that to Elizabeth Dole (who's husband is from Kansas and probably made more money advertising for Viagra than he did as a Senator). What was I talking about?

In 1791 the US Mint was created. Not a very popular mint, turns out, peppermint remains an odds-on favorite. In 1817 Alabama Territory was created. In 1820 the US Congress passed the Missouri Compromise which sought to regulate slavery in the Western Territories. In 1845 Florida was admitted as a state and a resting ground for silver surfers. Florida is one of two US States that has an official lubricant. In 1849 the US Department of the Interior was founded. Unlike most cabinet heads who are called secretaries, the head of this department is called lead decorator. In 1863 Idaho Territory was established as a place to grow potatoes. In 1873 the Comstock Law was passed making it illegal to send "obscene, lewd, and lascivious" material through the mail. Seeing as how the internet was not around, that would mean you'd have to actually go to a store to buy porn. They had is so rough back in the day. In 1875 the first indoor hockey game was played in Montreal. In 1923 TIME magazine was published for the first time. In 1931 the Star Spangled Banner was officially made the national anthem. Two years later Mt. Rushmore was dedicated. If you have never been, you should go. But if you have no desire to see it, you shouldn't waste your time driving through South Dakota because there's NOTHING there! In 1938 oil was discovered in Saudi Arabia. 70 years later, the Saudis are the wealthiest mofos in the world. In 1974 a Turkish Airlines flight crashed in France killing 364. In 1991 Rodney King got his ass beat by the po-lice. And most importantly, in 2004 Belgian Interbrew merged with Brazilian AmBev to become the largest brewery in the world. Take that Anheiser-Busch.

Yes, today is Hinamatsuri in Japan, which is Girls' Day. They make shrines of dolls which are said to hold in evil spirits. Then the dolls come alive at night and kill naughty girls. If the girls survive the night, they are rewarded with Hello Kitty crap and twine.

In Bulgaria it is Liberation Day. In this SE European nation whose capital is Sofia, there are 7.6 million people most of whom are poor and Orhodox Christian. Despite the fact that Bulgaria was on the wrong side during WWII, they are now a part of NATO and the EU.

For Polish people it is Casimir Pulaski Day in honor of the Polish soldier who trained American troops in the Revolutionary War.

Happy Birthday: Alexander Graham Bell, who was, surprisingly, Scottish; Perry Ellis; Ira Glass; Tone Loc; and Jessica Biel.

Enjoy today and remember: "Money can't buy happiness, but poverty can't buy anything."