Learn Mandarin Now

Once again we find ourself in the center of another week. Being that its (Wednesday, Bhud-waar, Chaharshanbeh, yawm-al-arba'a, Idal, Prickle-Prickle), I am finding it necessary to once again point out that a more stringent form of drivers' education should be required for all Missouri residents. I would also like to propose legislation that makes it legal to shoot missiles at anyone who attempts to merge onto the highway going 25mph. And, I would like someone to inform all individuals who drive full-size trucks that are NOT driving semis and do not need to make exagerrated, slow turns, nor do they have to drive 5mph for the first 1/2 mile after proceeding through an intersection. If you think the roads are dangerous now, wait until I get a tank.

Ok, now that I've gotten that out of the way, please be aware that Hillary is back in the race. I am not one for severe political upheaval, but if either Hillary or Barack are elected, I would be in favor of a military coup.

In 1770 a snowball fight in Boston turned violent when British troops opened fire on American civilians, killing five. This reminds me of a snowball fight at Michigan State my freshman year in college which turned into a riot. The National Guard was disbursed to stop it. If you don't believe me, ask CNN, they had their cameras there filming the whole thing. In 1836 Samuel Colt made the first production-model revolver. In 1842 Mexican troops invaded Texas. The Mexicans are still invading, they're just being less obvious about it. In 1850 the Britania Bridge across the Menai Straits opened linking the Isle of Anglesey to North Wales. I have been across this bridge many times, and can attest to the fact that it is indeed a bridge and is a very nice bridge at that. In 1868 the opera Mefistofele opened at La Scala. In 1933 the Nazis won 44% of the vote in parliamentary elections in Germany. In 1940 the Soviets ordered the execution of 25,700 Poles. Death, death, death, lunch, death, death, death, afternoon tea... In 1946 Winston Churchill coined the phrase "Iron Curtain" to describe the Soviet division of Eastern Europe. Little did he know that the same phrase would be used to describe the defense of the 1970's Pittsburgh Steelers, which is far more meaningful and important. In 1966 a BOAC flight crashed in Japan killing 124. And in 2001 35 pilgrims were crused to death in a stampede in Mecca during the Hajj. What's up with the stampedes during the Hajj? They're like god damned sheep- in burkas.

Today is Learn from Lei Feng Day in China. Lei Feng was a soldier who at the ripe old age of 22 was crushed by a telephone pole that was struck by a truck. Somehow the Chinese government turned this into a morality story and celebrated his life as the epitome of what it means to be a good Chinese citizen and that all Chinese should be like Lei Feng: cheerfully selfless and noble in thought. I don't understand how a random death such as having a telephone pole fall on you and kill you is indicative of anything but bad luck, but Mandarin also has no verb conjugation, making it hard to talk about anything that is not in the present tense. Chinese food tastes good though and the industrious Chinese provide us with entire Wal-Marts full of cheap crap while completely ignoring any human rights standards to which the rest of the civilized world ascribes.

Happy birthday: King Henry II of England (dead); King David II of Scotland (dead); and Tang Gonghong, the famous Chinese weightlifter who was the basis for the charcter Long Duck Dong in Sixteen Candles.

Have a splendid day and inform your superiors that: "The most useful tool for dealing with management types is, of course, an automatic weapon."