Hinamatsuri

By the smell in the air, I can tell that it's (Monday, Soom-waar, Doshanbeh, yawm-al-ithnayn, Kamal, Boomtime). Not only have we begun a new week, but a new month as well. Ah, yes, it's March. It is the month dedicated to the god Mars and by Latins (the real Latins, not the neo-Latinos) was called Martius. March is Women's History Month and American Red Cross Month. I don't know why women need their own history month, it's not like they're oppressed or anything, not to mention the fact that they'll probably spend more time arguing amongst each other whether Oprah or Hillary should be running for office and who's ass looks bigger in that pants suit. As for the Red Cross, I leave that to Elizabeth Dole (who's husband is from Kansas and probably made more money advertising for Viagra than he did as a Senator). What was I talking about?

In 1791 the US Mint was created. Not a very popular mint, turns out, peppermint remains an odds-on favorite. In 1817 Alabama Territory was created. In 1820 the US Congress passed the Missouri Compromise which sought to regulate slavery in the Western Territories. In 1845 Florida was admitted as a state and a resting ground for silver surfers. Florida is one of two US States that has an official lubricant. In 1849 the US Department of the Interior was founded. Unlike most cabinet heads who are called secretaries, the head of this department is called lead decorator. In 1863 Idaho Territory was established as a place to grow potatoes. In 1873 the Comstock Law was passed making it illegal to send "obscene, lewd, and lascivious" material through the mail. Seeing as how the internet was not around, that would mean you'd have to actually go to a store to buy porn. They had is so rough back in the day. In 1875 the first indoor hockey game was played in Montreal. In 1923 TIME magazine was published for the first time. In 1931 the Star Spangled Banner was officially made the national anthem. Two years later Mt. Rushmore was dedicated. If you have never been, you should go. But if you have no desire to see it, you shouldn't waste your time driving through South Dakota because there's NOTHING there! In 1938 oil was discovered in Saudi Arabia. 70 years later, the Saudis are the wealthiest mofos in the world. In 1974 a Turkish Airlines flight crashed in France killing 364. In 1991 Rodney King got his ass beat by the po-lice. And most importantly, in 2004 Belgian Interbrew merged with Brazilian AmBev to become the largest brewery in the world. Take that Anheiser-Busch.

Yes, today is Hinamatsuri in Japan, which is Girls' Day. They make shrines of dolls which are said to hold in evil spirits. Then the dolls come alive at night and kill naughty girls. If the girls survive the night, they are rewarded with Hello Kitty crap and twine.

In Bulgaria it is Liberation Day. In this SE European nation whose capital is Sofia, there are 7.6 million people most of whom are poor and Orhodox Christian. Despite the fact that Bulgaria was on the wrong side during WWII, they are now a part of NATO and the EU.

For Polish people it is Casimir Pulaski Day in honor of the Polish soldier who trained American troops in the Revolutionary War.

Happy Birthday: Alexander Graham Bell, who was, surprisingly, Scottish; Perry Ellis; Ira Glass; Tone Loc; and Jessica Biel.

Enjoy today and remember: "Money can't buy happiness, but poverty can't buy anything."