Stay Away from the Green Beer

Or, "Don't Paint Horses Green," or, "Omaha Rocks."

Dear Readers: Why on earth did anyone think that Monday (Soom-waar, Doshanbeh, Yawm-al-ithnayn, Kamal, Sweetmorn) was a good idea? I know that I don't. And on a nasty, rainy, dark day like today, getting out out of bed is made even more difficult by someone who starts the day like a crazed leprechaun...(The first appearance of the word leprechaun in the English language comes in an 17th-century work entitled "The Honest Whore", "As for your Irish Lubrican, that spirit, Whom by preposterous charms thy lust has raised.") Leprechauns are generally considered to be a form of faerie folk who are by profession shoemakers and are both thrifty and hardworking.

In 45 BCE, Julius Caesar won his decisive and last military victory at the Battle of Munda. In 180 Marcus Aurelius died and Commodus assumed the title of Emperor, just like in the movies. In 624 the Muslim forces of Medina defeated the Quraysh of Mecca. Don't ever forget that Islam spread through violence and the use of force and not through voluntary conversion. In 1756 St. Patrick's Day was celebrated in NYC for the first time. In 1845 the rubber band was patented. In 1891 the British steamship SS Utopia sank killing 574 people. In 1906 Phi Kappa Tau was founded at Miami University in Oxford, OH. Miami has a very good dental school and is the alma mater of Ben Rothlisberger. In 1917 at NYU Law School Delta Phi Epsilon was founded. In 1942 the first Jews were gassed at the Belzec death camp. In 1958 the first solar-powered satellite was launched into orbit, and it's still up there. In 1985 Richard Ramirez began his killing spree in LA. In 1988 a Columbian jetliner crashed into a mountain killing 143. And in 1992 a car bomb exploded at the Israeli embassy in Buenos Aires killing 29.

As many of you know, today is the ancient Latvian holiday of Kustonu Diena, or the return of the larks. It is also the Liberalia, which was a festival devoted the the maturation of young, Roman boys. At the age of 14 they would remove the bulla preatexta, a charm they wore around their neck and give this to their mothers, who would place the charm in a secret hiding place for good luck. In more ancient times, the Liberalia was a fertility festival, and villagers would carry a large phallus around town in order to ensure the fertility of the people and the crops. It is also the 2nd day of the Bacchanalia which was a giant drinking party and orgy. That works out well, for St. Patrick's Day, no?

Alright, so, who was St. Patick? He was a monk who converted the pagans of Ireland into Catholics with the clever use of the shamrock to illustrate the Trinity. It is rumored that he drove the snakes out of Ireland, but the fact is that there were never any snakes in Ireland. I have been to the Hill of Slane, the location of the last conversion of the Irish pagans, and have been the St. Patrick's Day Parade in Dublin. Not impressed. The Irish do not understand the concept of what a parade should be. Really all they do is go to pubs and sing drinking songs and spend time with their families.

Happy Birthday: Nat King Cole; the serial killer, John Wayne Gacy; Kurt Russell, star of films such as Overboard; Gary Sinise, a fine actor; Rob Lowe, pervert; and Billy Corgan, who's an ass.

Happy St. Patrick's Day. And if you get a chance to go to Omaha, please do, it's a wonderful city.