Finally...Some Justice

Thankfully, Nature has finally carried out some well-deserved justice. Yes, people, Ryan Seacrest has been bitten by a shark. I don't know the details, I only know that he was bitten and that he's so GD annoying that I'd like to have seen that happen firsthand.

Now, if Nature could continue her streak and dish out some more justice, I vote for the next person to get bit to be Modern Major General Onions. I don't care what sort of animal you choose to bite her. But you should probably choose one who does not have an aversion to the smell of three-day-old onion sandwiches. More than likely this should be some sort of scavenger. It's true that sharks are scavengers, but there are not too many sharks available in KC. So, that leaves dogs and carrion birds, like crows or vultures. As much as I'd love to see a dog go at Onions, the idea of her getting attacked by crows seems poetic. I can only imagine her running to her car being chased through the parking garage by rabid black birds. One would probably become entangled in her hair and she would be screaming and trying to get the demon crow out of her hair in a voice that sounds eerily like Joan's. I imagine that one of her eyes might get pecked out before one of those downtown cleaning people in their black and yellow uniforms comes to her rescue. Maybe she'd fall in love with him and fawn at the way she saw him with her one good eye shoo away the rabid crows with his broom which was paid for by that city tax that comes out of your paycheck if you work in KC. He would likely kneel down beside her, catching his breath as her oniony pheromones finally got past his adrenaline. It may stir some hunger inside him as he's been pushing around a garbage can all day in the heat, not smelling too pleasant himself. He would think to himself, "she smells like a philly steak that's been sitting on a table in a smoke-filled bar for several hours." But after sweeping up cigarette butts and trash all day in the KC heat, even that could stir a certain type of man's appetite. She would say, "Sir, you saved me. What can I do to repay you? I am the Office Manager of the Cheese Factory. Do you like Cheddar?" And he would say, "Ma'am, you have a dead crow in your hair that looks like you have not washed in a few days. I'm just a simple man who loves simple things in life, like a good philly steak smothered in onions even if it's been sitting on a table in a smoky bar for several hours." "Well, good knight," she continued, "if you like smelling food and working, I have just the job for you. In the Cheese Factory we pride ourselves in hiring smelly people who are unaccustomed to working in a professional environment and if you think that you could work in such a place, a place that is less concerned with ethics and customer service, but wholly concerned with making the cheese, I would love to give you a job. I hardly work myself, but I will expect you to work for far less than the average wage for the job that I will hire you for. I will treat you like dirt and stab you in the back when you least expect it, but if you can get past my rank onion odor and obsession with small meaningless projects I will let you get to know me- in the Biblical sense- because that guy that was fixing the phones didn't seem at all interested, even though I was doing the sexy leg pose for hours, and I'm desperate....

To answer your question.... I have taken no drugs.