My Calling?

Maybe I misread the palm reading I got from the weird Chinese kid in Bonn, Germany. Yeah, I know, I may have been a little tipsy at the time, but I swear he said nothing about being a good housewife. How I got to Bonn, and got my palm read by a Chinese kid is not important. At the time it sort of freaked me out because he told me things about myself that no one that didn't know me would me know. I know, you hear these stories all along, and it's why there's any sort of industry for palmistry and that weird Jamaican chick that used to be on tv but got busted for fraud in Detroit. But, honestly, at the time, it freaked me out. He was right on with his personality profile. Obviously, I can't really speak for his predictions, because they were very vague and set far in the future, and did I mention that I was a little tipsy? Yeah, I was.

But after this week, it's been confirmed, I am a pretty good soccer mom. I need to cook more often, but other than that I've got it down. So screw all you women who say that you can do whatever I can do because I can do what you do too. And that ain't no voodoo. It's just the facts. Now there are some things that you do that I don't want to know about. I don't care to know anything about your cycles and your woman parts. That just freaks me out. I am a man and I don't have cycles and I don't shed layers of anything, except for maybe some skin when I get sunburned. Sometimes, a man is led to believe that women are so beautiful and soft and precious. Then they start telling you about their cycles and all the crap that goes on, and seriously, it's like you're talking to a complicated machine that is actually sort of gross. And I mean that in the most complimentary way possible. I mean seriously, I wouldn't trade you places for the world. I have no desire to experience what a period feels like and I have no need to carry another growing creature inside for one day, let alone nine months.

Nope, you guys (or girls) can have it. I have no jealousy whatsoever. But, I do know that I can stay home and clean and do laundry and drive the kids around just fine. And I won't shed one layer of my non-existent uterus while doing any of it.

I am a soccer mom...that's my mantra....