The Bald and The Beautiful

Welcome to the last day of the week, aka, (Friday, Chukar-waar, Jom'eh, yawm-al-jum'a, Istiqlal, Setting Orange). Just so you know, I like being bald. It's liberating, it's easy, and older, ethnic women love it. This is not to say that I am looking for an older ethnic woman, but they seem to make strange comments to me at random moments that make me think they really like it. Another benefit is that I do not have to pay anyone to cut my hair which saves money. I am also aerodynamic. I also do not have to buy shampoo or conditioner, again saving money. On the downside, I go through razors much faster and razors are not cheap. Then there is the possibility of cutting my scalp, which I have on a couple of occasions, and man it hurts. Anyway, apparently there was a bomb threat at the airport in KC last night. Surprising because it's such a minor airport.

Today is a good day to be burned at the stake. In 1416 Jerome of Prague was burned for being a heretic. In 1431 Joan of Arc was burned for the same reason. Joan was accused of being a heretic because she refused to wear women's clothes. In effect, she was the first person killed for being a cross-dresser. She is the patron saint of the French, which says a lot about the French. In 1536 Henry VIII married Jane Seymour. Three years later Hernando de Soto landed on Florida and declared that it would one day be home to retirees and trailer parks. In 1806 Andrew Jackson killed Charles Dickinson, not to be confused with Charles Dickens, in a duel because Dickinson accused Jackson's wife of being a bigamist. First of all, that's like saying your wife is a slut. Second of all, someone who killed someone in a duel would probably not have a chance in hell of getting elected President as Jackson later did. My how times have changed. In 1854 the Kansas-Nebraska Act was signed creating the two territories. In 1879 an F4 tornado hit Irving, KS killing 18. In 1911 the first Indy 500 took place. In 1922 the Lincoln Memorial was dedicated. In 1982 Spain joined NATO. The Spanish, however, are complete sissies and by them joining NATO is really no better off. Whether or not you are in favor of the Iraq War, all it took was one terrorist attack, and the Spanish reneged on the committment to it. Way to stand up, there Spaniards. At one time the Spanish were one of the most powerful people in the world, today they are a bunch of skinny, whiny disillusioned babies. And in 1998 an earthquake in Afghanistan killed 5000. Once again, God has spoken.

Ok, well, it seems that it's Geologist's Day in Brazil and Indian Arrival Day in Trinidad and Tobago. No one actually cares either way.

Happy Birthday: Gale Sayers; Wynonna Judd; and guitarist Tom Morello.

Enjoy your weekend, I will be in Natoma, KS...doing what, I'm not quite sure yet.

School's Out

Thank the Lord it's (Thursday, Veer-waar, Panjshanbeh, yawm-al-khamis, Istijlal, Prickle-Prickle). For some lucky people, today is the last day of school. God, I would give anything to have the summer off and be able to just do whatever it is that I wanted. Unfortunately adults do not have this option available to them, unless of course you work in the education field. And, I do not. Maybe I should look into that. One thing I know right now is that there is not enough time in the day...any day.

In 363 the Roman Emperor Julian defeated the Sassanids. In 1176 the Lombard League defeated Holy Roman Emperor Frederick Barbarossa's army at the Battle of Legano. Those pesky Lombards were always messing up his attempts to conquer Italy. In 1453 the Byzantine Empire fell when the Ottoman Turks captured Constantinople. In 1790 Rhode Island became a state. Rhode Island was first spotted by the Italian Giovanni da Verrazzano and was originally called Roodt Eylandt by the Dutch. It was the first colony to actually practice freedom of religion upon the urging of people such as Roger Williams (no relation) and Anne Hutchinson. Rhode Island is the smallest state and is called the Ocean State. One thing I didn't know is that the official name of the state is Rhode Island and Providence Plantations. Weird. In 1848 Wisconsin became a state. The name is derived from the Ojibwe Miskwasiniing which the French turned to Ouisconsin. 42.6% of the Badger State's residents are of German ancestry. Wisconsin is actually quite beautiful and is known for its beer, brats, and cheese. And who can argue with that? In 1913 Stravinsky's ballet, "The Rite of Spring," premiered in Paris. The following year the RMS Empress of Ireland sunk killing 1024. In 1953 Sir Edmund Hillary and Sherpa Tenzing Norgay became the first to reach the summit of Mt. Everest. In 1972 three Japanese gunmen opened fire at Tel Aviv Airport killing 26. I have no idea why Japanese gunmen would do this. And in 1982 Pope John Paul II became the first pope to set foot in Canterbury Cathedral.

Today is Democracy Day in Nigeria. It is also Oak Apple Day, of Shick-Shack Day, in the UK, to celebrate the Restoration of the Monarchy. Whoo-ha!!

Happy Birthday: Patrick Henry, US patriot; Bob Hope; LaToya Jackson, famous for F$#K all; Melissa Etheridge, lesbian; and crybaby Noel Gallagher.

Enjoy the day thinking about the lost days of youth and how you spent your summer vacations.

Love it when you call me Big Papa

How in the hell can it already be Wednesday (Bhud-waar, Chaharshanbeh, Yawm-al-arba'a, Idal, Pungenday)? I don't care how, really. I'm just glad that it is, I think. According to MSN, there is some debate on whether the earthquake, and aftershocks, in China are due to karma. This is the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. It's not due to karma, it's due to the wrath of God. The Chinese hate God and have no verb conjugation. Therefore, they are being punished. There are also too many of them anyway, so call it population control by order of the Almighty. And if you think something like this is beneath the Omnipotent, I would refer you to any number of Old Testament stories or that whacko minister Fred Phelps from Topeka.

In 585 BCE a solar eclipse occurred as predicted by the philosopher Thales. In 1503 Pope Alexander VI ordered King James IV of Scotland to marry Mary Tudor of England which resulted in "A Treaty of Everlasting Peace"a between England and Scotland. This lasted all of ten years. So much for everlasting. In 1588 the Spanish Armada set sail for the English Channel to engage the English fleet. In 1830 President Andrew Jackson signed the Indian Removal Act ordering the relocation of Native Americans to places where white people would never want to live, like Oklahoma. In 1892 John Muir founded the Sierra Club in San Francisco so that middle class white people would have something their hippie kids to focus on in college other than beer bongs and trying to figure out where 4/20 came from. In 1952 the women of Greece were granted the right to vote. They were also granted right to wax their upper lips and backs but voting was generally considered to be less time consuming and interfered less with their nagging time. In 1961 Amnesty International was begun with a letter written by Peter Benenson. Amnesty International is yet another liberal organization created for the purpose of making white college kids feel like they are not totally wasting their parents' money. In 1964 the Palestinian Liberation Organization was formed to give Palestinian college kids yet another reason to learn how to build bombs out of household cleaning supplies. In 1977 the Beverly Hills Supper Club in Southgate, Kentucky caught fire and killed 165 old people. Firefighters reported that it smelt like burnt cabbage for days afterwards. And in 1995 an earthquake struck Neftegorsk, Russia killing 2000. Once again, this was due to the wrath of God, and not karma.

In Armenia today is National Day. Armenia was the first nation to officially adopt Christianity as its national religion. The capital is Yerevan and the country has about 3.3 million people. Armenians call their country Hayk, which is pronounced like the noise you make when you clear your throat. The economy of Armenia sucks. This is according to a reknowned economist. On the positive side, 93% of Armenians are Armenian Orthodox.

It is also National Day in Azerbaijan, the mortal enemy of Armenia. The capital of this place is Baku and there are 8.7 million people in this country which is very rich in oil and is 96% Muslim.

In the Philippines today is Flag Day.

Happy Birthday: Ian Fleming, creator of James Bond; Betty Shabazz, wife of Malcolm X and Detroit native; Rudy Giuliani; Gladys Knight; John Fogerty; and Kylie Minogue.

Have a good one, peeps.

Ready for Retirement

Welcome back to the Cheese Factory. After a long weekend, it's so hard to get back into the swing of things. And as someone pointed out, even though it's not Monday, it's almost worse. So, it may be (Tuesday, Mangal-waar, Seshanbeh, yawm-ath-thalatha, Fidal), but it feels like a Monday from Hell. Today is also Boomtime, and is the first day of Confusion. I don't know that I feel all that confused, but I do feel a bit out of my element. It's too hectic here. I am ready to retire and just sit back and enjoy life. Unfortunately I don't believe that's in the cards. What cards? Tarot cards? I don't know.

In 1703 the city of St. Petersburg, Russia was founded. In 1895 Oscar Wilde was imprisoned for sodomy. Dirty boy. In 1896 an F4 tornado hit St. Louis killing 255. In 1927 Ford stopped making the Model T. In 1937 the Golden Gate Bridge opened. Two years later Batman appeared for the first time. Batman is by far my favorite superhero. The following year, Nazi troops massacred 97 members of the Royal Norfolk Regiment after they surrendered, which is not very sporting. In 1941 the German battleship Bismarck was sunk. In 1971 a train wreck in West Germany killed 46. In 1975 a bus accident in Britain killed 32. In 1980 S. Korean troops killed 207 people when the retook the city of Gwanju from some rebels. In 1995 Christopher Reeve fell off a horse and was paralyzed. This was one of those sad events which really has had some impact in the world due to the call for stem cell research. In 1997 an F5 tornado hit Jarrell, TX and killed 27. And in 2006 an earthquake struck Java and killed 6,600. What a horrible day this had been, historically speaking. Maybe we should all go home.

In Bolivia it is Mothers' Day, or Dia de la Madre. Bolivia is the poorest country in S. America and is named after Simon Bolivar. It is landlocked and its capital is La Paz. Not to be confused with La Pez dispenser. There are 9.2 million people who live there and 55% are Amerindians. 78% are Catholics. Soybeans are the largest cashcrop, much like Indiana, Illinois, and Ohio.

It's also Mothers' Day in Sweden.

And in Nigeria, today is Children's Day. 42.3% of the population is under 14 so that's a lot of childrens.

Have a good day. Just remember that it's a short week. Peace out.

World Turtle Day

The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round...

Welcome to the crackhouse of the KC legal world. I'm so tired of the whiny beatches that are our clients. And there is absolutely nothing to be done about it. But, thank Bradgelina it's (Friday, Chukar-waar, Jom'eh, yawm-al-jum'a, Istiqlal, Pungenday). This weekend is a three-day weekend thank the lord. Of course this will be my third long weekend in a row, but that's neither here nor there. It's my house, and if you don't like it, you can get the F#$K out!

So, in 1430 Joan of Arc was captured by the Burgundians. The Burgundians were so called because they always wore burgundy colored hats. This trait was a result of a coming-of-age ritural in which the white hats of young men were dipped into the new batch of Burgundy wine produced each year signifying their attaining manhood. Burgundy is the most expensive wine in the world which gives rise to a great deal of pompousness. The Burgundians were a hated lot by many Europeans, much the same as the Lombards. In 1498 Savonarola was burned at the stake in Florence for being a heretic. Heretics were said to smell like beef when they burned, which was proof that were indeed heretics. If they were good Christians, they would have smelled like chicken. In 1533 the marriage of Henry VIII and Catherine of Aragon was annulled. In 1618 the 2nd Defenstration of Prague took place as the Bohemians threw a bunch of Catholics out of the windows of Prague Castle. Some of them survived the fall, which the Catholics attributed to divine intervention, while the Protestants claimed it was because they fell in a big pile of manure. In 1701 Capt. William Kidd was executed in London for being a pirate. Argh, matey. In 1846 Mexico declared war on America. In 1863 the Seventh Day Adventist Church was organized in Battle Creek, MI. In 1873 the North West Mounted Police were formed in Canada. In 1929 the first Mickey Mouse cartoon debuted. In 1934 Bonnie and Clyde were ambushed and killed by the police in Black Lake, LA. That same day in Toledo, OH strikers at the Auto-Lite plant engaged the Ohio National Guard in a melee. Nothing like a good melee. And in 1970 a fire on the Britannia Bridge in Wales caused over a million pounds worth of damage.

For Discordians, today is the Day of Disunity. So, please cause a raucous today.

And as implied by the title, it is indeed World Turtle Day. Turtles are weird but sort of cool. According to that one fable they are "slow and steady". According to others, they make good soup. I've never eaten turtle before and I'm really not all that interested in doing so.

Happy Birthday: King Philip I of France; Rosemary Clooney; Joan Collins; Marvelous Marving Hagler; Drew Carey; and Jewel, who I have to say is slightly hot.

Have a good weekend and a great Memorial Day. Peace.

David Not Cook

Well the Show Me State has an American Idol. Sweet. Somehow I managed to find myself watching the whole fiasco last night. What a shameless display of capitalism and showmanship. Paula Abdul's breasts were begging to fall out of her dress. That might have made the show worth watching. But, if anyone asks, I can say that yes, I too watched the television program which proved to the world that not everything that comes out of Missouri is crap, unless of course you consider the whole American Idol thing to be crapolicious. And today it's raining, all sorts of lightning going on, looks like the world my end at any moment, but it won't. Nope, it's going to keep going on until I find myself in a mini-van or station wagon remembering those bygone Wednesday nights spent with the freedom to watch American Idol uninterrupted... please give me something to distract me!!!

So, on this (Thursday, Veer-waar, Panjshanbeh, yawm-al-khamis, Istijlal, Boomtime) in 334 BCE Alexander the Great defeated Darius III of Persia at the Battle of Granicus. In 1337 Pope Gregory XI issued five papal bulls (because one just wasn't enough) denouncing John Wycliffe, not to be confused with Wyclef Jean. Wycliffe was opposed to papal interference in secular matters and was the first to translate the Bible into God's English. He was also big on predestination and believed that there was ONE universal church and outside of that there was NO salvation. In 1807 Vice President Aaron Burr was indicted for treason. In 1819 the SS Savannah left Savannah, Georgia en route to becoming the first steamship to cross the Atlantic. In 1826 Darwin's ship, the HMS Beagle, left Plymouth, England. In 1843 thousands of people left Independence, MO on the Oregon Trail in search of a nicer place to live due to a horrible meth problem. In 1844 the Bab announced his revelation to the world, effectively founding Babism, the forerunner of the Baha'i. In 1856 Preston Brooks, a Congressman from S. Carolina, beat down Senator Charles Sumner with a cane because Sumner was getting all out of sorts about the Bleeding Kansas situation (pictured). In 1906 the Summer Olympics opened in Athens. That same day the Wright Brothers received a patent for their "flying machine". In 1915 five trains collided in Scotland killing 227. In 1936 the Irish airline Aer Lingus was founded. I've flown Aer Lingus seveal times. They're nice people but do not offer free booze on their flights which really pisses me off. And in 1967 the department store L'Innovation in Brussels, Belgium burnt down killing 323 people.

Today is World Biodiversity Day. We should celebrate the diversity of our bios. It's wonderful to have different kinds of bios in the world. There's nothing like the intermingling of bios to remind ourselves that our kind of bio is not the only bio or the best bio, but a different bio.

In Yemen today is National Day. Yemen is on the SW tip of the Arabian Peninsula. Its capital is San'a' and it's home to more than 23 million people who are almost all Muslims. Yemen is slightly larger than California and the average Yemeni woman has 7 children. You know what that means. Yemenis like to get busy, yeah, it's business time in Yemen.

Happy Birthday: Richard Wagner, "Oh Bwoomhilda, you aw wuvwy..."; the artist, Mary Cassatt; Sir Arthur Conan Doyle; unabomber, Ted Kaczynski; and Naomi Campbell.

Have a great day....tomorrow is Friday!!!

Just Say It

You're glad that it's Hump Day. The middle of the week offers us some time to reflect on what's passed, and provides us hope for what lies ahead. When I was living with my parents Wednesdays (Bhud-waar, Chaharshanbeh, yawm-al-arba'a, Idal, Sweetmorn) were the longest days of the week (other than Sundays). After the long, painful school day, we spent our Wednesday evenings at prayer service. Your typical prayer service resembled a regular church service only with an emphasis on Prayer and Testimony, which was church-speak for group participation. It was never fun, and rarely did it invoke any sort of desire to participate. We usually got home no earlier than 9pm, just in time to go to bed. Now, Wednesdays thankfully are my own (I use that term very lightly), and I haven't been to a prayer service in over 17 years, and have no plans on going to one. All I can really say is that, on this Wednesday, I instead get to go to an American Idol party to see who's going to win a contest that I could care less about... but at least I have a choice in the matter, don't I?

In 996 the 16-year-old Otto III was crowned Holy Roman Emperor. Can you imagine spending the morning at the DMV getting your driver's license and the afternoon in the Cathedral getting coronated as ruler of what's left of the Western Empire by the Pope himself? That's some year. In 1856 Lawrence, KS was captured and burned by pro-slavery forces. In 1871 today was the first day of what became known as the Bloody Week as French government troops clashed with Parisian citizens. 20,000 civilians were killed during the uprising, hence the term bloody. In 1881 the American Red Cross was founded by Clara Barton. In 1904 FIFA, the governing body of international soccer (football) was founded in Paris. In 1927 Lindbergh completed his trans-Atlantic flight that he started yesterday. In 1934 in an Orwellian event, the town of Oskaloosa, Iowa became the first US city to fingerprint all of its residents. In 1996 7 Trappist monks were killed in Algeria by radical Muslim whackos. These men are collectively known as the Martyrs of Atlas. God got his revenge in 2003 as an earthquake killed over 2000 in Algeria.

Today is Navy Day in Chile. The origin of the name of this nation, which lies on the SW coast of S. America, is shrouded in mystery and has nothing to do with chili which is wonderful when eaten on top of french fries and smothered with cheese. It could possibly be from a Mapuche Indian word, "chilli", which means "where the land ends". The capital is Santiago and the country has about 16 million residents, 40% of which live around Santiago. Chile is the largest producer of copper and the 5th largest producer of wine in the world. 65% of Chileans are mestizo and 70% of them are Catholics.

Lots of Birthdays: Albrecht Durer, the German artist, who etched today's picture; King Philip II of Spain (dead); Alexander Pope, the English poet; the French artist, Henri Rousseau; Raymond Burr; Al Franken; Mr. T., I pity the fool; Judge Reinhold, don't know what happened to him; Jeffrey Dahmer, psycho; the Notorious BIG (dead); Fairuza Balk; Ricky Williams, dumb ass; my mom; and Belladonna, who was raised a Mormon but became a porn star.

Have a good day. There's still hope for the rest of the week.

Jack-Town

Welcome back to the insanity!! Yes sir, it's (Tuesday, Mangal-waar, Seshanbeh, yawm-ath-thalatha, Fidal, Setting Orange). The bad thing about going out of town for a couple of days is that your work starts piling up. So, you get back to work and find a pile of files in your chair about two feet high. FTS, America. I guess the show must go on. Time stops for no man (or woman). And many other proverbs. I got to see my son this weekend for the first time in over two years. That was pretty awesome. It wasn't enough time, but it was awesome nonetheless. That being said, I have no idea what's going on in the world right now. I've been in Michigan where it's cold and I was sober the entire time. Weird. So, right now I'm in a sprint to get today's blog done.

In 352 the first Council of Nicaea begun in Turkey. The result was the establishment of the Nicene Creed which is one of the most important Creeds in the history of Christianity and was the first step in establishing an orthodox church. In 526 an earthquake killed about 300,000 in Syria. In 685 the Battle of Dunnichen took place between the Picts and the Northumbrians in Scotland. Picts are a mysterious race of people that historians are not clear about. The term comes from the Latin "Picti" which means "painted or tatooed". In 1570 the first modern atlas was published by Abraham Ortelius. In 1609 Shakespeare's Sonnets were first published. In 1631 the city of Magdeburg, Germany was captured by the Holy Roman Empire and most of its inhabitants were slaughtered. In 1840 the York Minster was damaged in a fire. York is an amazingly quaint city and if you ever want to visit somplace that really feels like a medieval English village, you should go to York. And if you do, you should visit the Minster (cathedral) which is pretty interesting. In 1873 Levi Strauss and Jacob Davis received a patent for blue jeans. In 1927 Charles Lindbergh took off on the first solo, non-stop trans-Atlantic flight. Five years later, Amelia Earhart was the first woman to do the same thing. In 1940 the first prisoners arrived at Auschwitz. In 1965 a Pakistani Airlines flight crashed killing 119. And in 1989 the Chinese government declared martial law.

Two things: I need to get a divorce and I hate O'Hare. And one more thing, Detroit is the most depressing city I have ever been to.

Happy Birthday: Honore de Balzac; William Fargo; Jimmy Stewart; Jack Kevorkian; Cher; and Busta Rhymes.

Peace.

The Den of W.T. and Iniquity

OMG it's finally Thursday (Veer-waar, Panjshanbeh, yawm-al-khamis, Istijlal, Setting Orange). It is also the Ides of May which means absolutely nothing to me, but it sounds cool to say it. So, yesterday evening I got tricked into going to the Den of W.T. and Iniquity, a.k.a. Wal-Mart. It doesn't matter which Wal-Mart you go into, you could go into any Wal-Mart in the country and the clientelle is exactly the same: W.T. (or the equivalent socio-economic taxonomical term for the cultural majority in said Wal-Mart). Not only will you find the same class of of people, but you will find the same size of people. Around every corner you find cankles and cottage cheese. Everyone wears sweatpants at Wal-Mart. Wal-Marts are like giant light bulbs that attract ugly people from all corners of the neighborhood. The fat humanoids are drawn to the glowing light and cannot help but find their way to the low prices and flourescent-bulbed aisles down which they push their carts filled with fat children while looking miserable and angry because they realize that they are just as fat and ugly as the rest of the WT's walking around aimlessly. At least they're getting some exercise.

In 1252 Pope Innocent IV issued the papal bull "ad extirpanda" which authorized the torture of heretics during the Inquisition. GW Bush attempted to cite this bull in his justification for torturing terrorists, but he wrongly referred to it in a press conference about the birth of a new panda cub, and some German media, who are the only ones who actually are smart enough to read Latin, began circulating a story in Europe claiming that Americans support the torture of pandas. In 1525 Thomas Muntzer, who was an apocalyptic preacher and general whack job, led a group of peasants in an uprising against their rulers. As fate would have it, approximately 10,000 peasants were killed in the battle, while only 6 died from the other side. Muntzer was captured and later beheaded. In 1602 Bartholomew Gosnold discovered Cape Cod, the official cape of this blog. This would make the Cape Cod the official drink of this blog as well. And though I'm not the one who always drinks Cape Cods (Allie M.), you really can't go wrong with ordering one. In 1718 James Puckle patented the first machine gun. In 1817 the first insane asylum in the US opened in Philadelphia called the "Asylum for the Relief of Persons Deprived of the Use of Their Reason." That is an awesome name for a nut house. In 1862 the US Dept of Agriculture was created. Seven years later Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Stanton formed the National Woman's Suffrage Association which was labeled a terrorist organization at the time. In 1905 Las Vegas was founded. In 1935 the Moscow Metro opened. And five years later the first McDonald's opened in San Bernadino, CA.

Today is International Conscientious Objectors Day. I would like to object to having to work and pay taxes, conscientiously of course.

In the central S. American nation of Paraguay today is Independence Day. We don't hear much about Paraguay but its capital is Asuncion and there are about 6.7 million people who live in the landlocked country. It's the 2nd poorest nation in S. America and its major exports are cattle and soybeans. Sounds like Illinois. 95% of the population are mestizos (or mixed race) and of Spanish-Guarani Indian descent. 89% are Roman Catholics althought there are 66,000 Mormons.

In ancient Rome today was the Mercuralia in honor of Mercury the god of merchants and commerce. In the US today is Peace Officers Memorial Day. In Mexico and S. Korea it's Teachers' Day and I would propose we eat burritos gatos in honor of this event.

For Palestinians today is Nakba Day or the Day of Catastrophe in memory of the founding of the State of Israel and the resulting displacement of over 700,000 Palestinians. There were people who lived there before the UN decided to create Israel and when it was created all those who lived there were forced into exile. No wonder why Palestinians are angry.

Happy Birthday: Peter Schaffer who wrote "Equus" which is a really good play; Jasper Johns, I don't get his art; Madeleine Albright, one of the uglies women in politics ever; Brian Eno; Chazz Palminteri; KC hero, George Brett; and steroid monster and murderer Ray Lewis, yeah, I said it.

Stolen Glances

Well la-di-fricking-da. Yeah, it's Wednesday. I know, I know, everyone is thankful. Being that it is Hump Day (Bhud-waar, Chaharshanbeh, yawm-al-arba'a, Idal, Prickle-Prickle), it's only suiting that some people started their day off right. I don't know what this means. The way not to start the day is waiting in line somewhere in Myanmar for aid from a foreign nation that's been delayed by your tyrannical rulers and likely stolen by the soldiers who are supposed to be helping but are likely suffering just as much as you are. So, I guess if you're not in that predicament, then you should feel lucky. Another way not to spend the day is being trapped under a pile of rubble somewhere in China.

I hate American Idol.

In 1607 Jamestown, VA was officially settled by the English. In 1610 King Henry IV of France was assassinated. In 1643 the 4-year-old Louis XIV became King of France. On his first day on the job he instructed his court to feed him nothing but cookies and cake and asked all servants to dress like rabbits and chickens and play with him whenever he wanted. He also asked that he be addressed as King Poopy Pants. In 1787 delegates began to meet in Philadelphia to write the US Constitution. In 1804 the Lewis and Clark expedition left from Hartford, IL. In 1863 the Battle of Jackson took place. This has nothing to do with Jackson, MI or Jackson County, MO or even Jackson M. No, this battle took place in Jackson, MS. In 1925 Virginia Woolf's novel "Mrs. Dalloway" was published. I have not read this book. I did, however, read "Orlando" which sucked ass. It was hell. There is a movie with the same title and it sucked as well. There is a good deal of nudity in the movie, so I guess that's ok, if you like nudity in movies. In 1927 the National Honorary Classical Fraternity Eta Sigma Phi was founded at the Univ. of Chicago for nerds. And you thought Lambda Lambda Lambda was cool, and Omega Mu's. And 20 years ago a drunk driver going the wrong way on I-71 in KY hit a church bus filled with Christian youths and killed 27 of them. That's injustice for you.

Happy Birthday: Dante Alighieri; Che Guevara; George Lucas, thank you for selling out; David Byrne, the wonderful weird soul; Robert Zemeckis; Tim Roth; Suzy Kolber, women should not be sports reporters; and Cate Blanchett, hot.

Have a nice day and please hump as much as you can, for the future of our great nation.

Mense Maio malae nubent

Yes sir, it's (Tuesday, Mangal-waar, Seshanbeh, yawm-ath-thalatha, Fidal, Pungenday). The only thing good about that is that it's not Monday any longer. The skies in KC look a little ominous today. Apparently I have gone insane...but the insanity is a complete 180 from my previous mental state. In any case, the world seems to be spinning towards something strange and positive. Being that I've been completely oblivious to what's going on in the local news which sort of happens when you rely wholly on the internet for news. It seems that the KCPD are shooting a bunch of people. They probably deserve it. But I think there have been like three police shootings in the past week and that's just a little crazy. Obviously we're approaching summer and we all know what that means. People start losing their minds.

In 1497 Pope Alexander VI excommunicated Girolamo Savonarola. Savonarola was a Dominican priest who was higly critical of the moral corruption of the clergy (imagine that). Savonarola was very popular in Florence, Italy and was responsible for the Bonfire of the Vanities in which he ordered Florentines to burn items which siginfied moral laxity such as: mirrors, cosmetics, lewd pictures, musical instruments, fine dresses, and a lot of artwork. Sounds like he'd make a good citizen of Kansas. (The picture is of his execution.) In 1607 Jamestown Settlement was founded. In 1787 11 ships filled with prisoners left Portsmouth, England to found a penal colony in Australia. In 1846 the US declared war on Mexico. In 1880 in Menlo Park, NJ Thomas Edison tested his electric railway. Eight years later Brazil abolished slavery. In 1939 the first commercial radio station debuted in Bloomfield, CT. In 1958 Velcro was trademarked. In 1980 an F3 tornado hit Kalamazoo, MI. I lived in Kalamazoo for six years and have to say that it's not a bad place at all. The following year Mehmet Al Agca attempted to assassinate Pope John Paul II but failed. In 1985 the Philadelphia Police dropped a bomb on a housing complex in an attempt to root out members of MOVE. Eleven people died and an entire city block burned to the ground. At least the KCPD is dropping bombs on the city. And in 1996 600 people died in Bangladesh due to bad weather, I know, shocker.

In ancient Rome, today was the Lemuralia, a day in which Romans would exorcise malevolent ghosts, known as larvae or lemures, from their houses. They would walk around the house barefoot throwing black beans over their shoulders chanting, "With these beans I redeem me and mine." Apparently May was a month when the dead were thought to be a little too close to the living which made May a bad month to get married in, hence today's title.

In Fiji today is Rotuma Day.

Happy Birthday: Pope Innocent XIII (dead); Pope Pius IX (dead); Georges Papanikolaou, inventor of the Pap smear; Joe Louis (from Detroit); Roger Zelazny, the Mormon sci-fi author; Harvey Keitel, who's been naked in a few movies; Stevie Wonder (from Saginaw, MI); Dennis Rodman, weirdo; Debbie Stull, mother of Allie; Laura K., lover of the tree; and Darius Rucker, of Hootie and the Blowfish- "No bull S&%T, no slaveships, no motherf$#kin' Hootie and the Blowfish."

Enjoy your Tuesday. It only happens once a week.

Nothing Like Moving

Ahh...I can tell it's (Monday, Soom-waar, Doshanbeh, yawm-al-ithnayn, Kamal, Boomtime) by the insanity in the air. I hope y'all had a good weekend. I spent mine moving Ms. Allie M. and boy was it fun. No major injuries and only minor residual soreness. But I can safely say that I am physically exhausted. As I'm sure you know, yesterday was Mothers' Day, so I hope you told your mom that you love her. I didn't but that's because I have a weird relationship with my mom and we don't say those sorts of things to each other. I did, however, finally tell her about my "situation" in regards to Ms. Allie M. Her response was to tell me about her new Great Dane's obsession with eating kleenex. Nothing like a good heart-to-heart with Mrs. Williams. But, it's all out there now. And speaking of parents, I got to meet Allie's dad this weekend for the first time, which went just fine, I think. Being that I was out of the office on Friday and nowhere near either cable TV or the internet, I feel like I have no idea what's going on outside of the move. Apparently an earthquake's devestated a region in China and people in Myanmar are dropping like flies in the aftermath of last week's cyclone. Sucks to be in SE Asia.

In 1191 Richard I "the Lionheart" of England married Berengaria of Navarre (Spain). It is rumored that Richard may have been leaning towards the other team and actually had the hots for Berengaria's brother Sancho VII. I'm not sure this plays into the romantic notion which the English held for their Lionheart, or the one which was depicted in the 1935 movie "The Crusade" which featured the above mentioned wedding. But, hey, who's to deny the king of England some man-love? In 1328 the antipope Nicholas V was coronated in Rome. In 1364 the oldest university in Poland, Jageillonian Univ., opened. In 1551 the oldest university in the Americas, the National Univ. of San Marcos, opened in Lima, Peru- not to be confused with Lima, OH. In 1932 the Lindbergh baby was found dead in Hopewell, NJ. In 1942 1500 Jews were sent to the gas chambers at Auschwitz. And in 1982 an assassination attempt on Pope John Paul II by a rogue priest was thwarted in Fatima, Portugal.

Today is International Nurses' Day. Please, ladies, kindly dress in sexy nurses outfits. This will remind us to thank nurses who care for us and always seem to have affairs with doctors- at least on tv and in most every hospital and doctor's office.

It is also the Day of Finnishness. One must ask oneself, "What does it mean to be Finnish?" I have no idea as I am not Finnish. Do you know anyone who is Finnish? If you do, you should ask them, "Pray tell, what does it mean to be Finnish?" If anyone finds out, please send in your discoveries.

It is also Whit Monday. This is a movable feast in Christianity celebrated the day after Pentecost.

Happy Birthday: King Gustav I of Sweden (dead); Florence Nightengale; Katharine Hepburn; Yogi Berra; Burt Bacharach (fr. KC, MO); George Carlin, who is a funny man; Gabriel Byrne; Ving Rhames; Emilio Estevez, where are you?; Stephen Baldwin; and the most successful skateboarder ever, Tony Hawk.

Enjoy your day...I won't because the King and Queen of Cheese are here to make the employees tremble.

Once a Hodcarrier...

Welcome to Thursday (Veer-waar, Panjshanbeh, yawm-al-khamis, Istijlal, Pungenday). Today will be the last day of the work-week for me. At least at the Cheese Factory. For the next two days I will be assisting the lovely Allie M. in her big move- which is like all of four blocks- but big meaning important, not in geographic distance...A couple things I'd like to point out today: first of all, there's a lot of ugly people in Missouri that should not be allowed to breed; and secondly, if gas gets anymore expensive I think that someone should lead an armed rebellion to the headquarters of the big oil companies and demand something be done. There is a place in this world for an armed uprising, and to protest the audacity of the oil companies who are literally living off the pain of the masses is one of these. On a different note, since I hate my job and want to stuff a gasoline-soaked rag into the mouths of the management and light a match, I'm in the process of putting together a resume. I remember that not so very long ago I was a hodcarrier. This sounds like a horrible job, but it really wasn't. Hard work? Yes. But it was a job and I basically got paid to work out, just not enough to live off of. Trust me, carrying bricks and stone up three stories worth of scaffolding is a workout.

In 1541 Hernando de Soto reached the Mississippi River and named it Rio de Espiritu Santo. In 1794 the French chemist and tax collector Antoine Lavoisier was tried, convicted, and guillotined all in one day. That's what I call a speedy trial. In 1821 the Greeks defeated the Turks in the Battle of Gravia. In 1846 the US defeated Mexico in the first major battle of the Mexican-American War. In 1861 Richmond, VA was chosen as the capital of the Confederate States of America. In 1877 the first Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show took place in NYC. This reminds of the great film "Best in Show", which was hilarious. In 1886 John Pemberton invented Coca-Cola. Thank you Mr. Pemberton. In 1902 a volcano in Martinique erupted and killed over 30,000 people. Martinique is a Caribbean island which is owned and operated by the French. In 1914 Paramount Pictures was formed. In 1973 the 71-day standoff between federal agents and the American Indian Movement at Wounded Knee, SD ended without too many fatalities. In 1984 the USSR and several Eastern Bloc nations announced they would be boycotting the Summer Olympics in Los Angeles. And in 1997 a China Southern Airlines flight crashed killing 35.

Today is V-E day which meant something to our grandparents but is probably getting lost on our children. It is also Parents' Day in S. Korea. Nothing says, "I love my parents" like cat on a barby.

Happy Birthday: Queen Joanna of France (dead); Harry S. Truman (dead President); author, Thomas Pynchon; molestor, Gary Glitter; former Steelers coach, Bill Cowher; and Enrique Iglesias.

The blog will be quiet until Monday. Please enjoy the silence.

I Hate Hippies

Fine, it's (Wednesday, Bhud-waar, Chaharshanbeh, yawm-al-arba'a, Idal, Boomtime) and I should be relieved. I'm not. I feel very much at odds with the world right now. Still not feeling well and I am sitting in the Cheese Factory which is very cheesy today. Many strange things seem to be going on in the world. Over 20,000 have been killed in Myanmar (Burma) by a cyclone which has absolutely nothing to do with a woman moving her body like a cyclone. Don't worry thought because apparently the UN has decided to "force" the Myanmar junta to accept aid. I honestly don't recall the UN ever being able to truly force anything upon anyone. I will not eat Arby's for quite some time. To make matters worse, I was stuck behind some dirty hippie in mid-80's Volvo station wagon most of the way to the Cheese Factory this morning and all I could think about was the strong desire to make a molotov cocktail.

In 558 the dome of the Hagia Sophia, one of the greatest churches ever, collapsed. In 1274 the 2nd Council of Lyon opened to regulate the election of Popes. In 1429 Joan of Arc led the French to victory at Orleans. In 1763 Chief Pontiac led an attack against British forces at Fort Detroit. To honor this event someone named a car company after Chief Pontiac. In 1824 Beethoven's Ninth Symphony premiered in Vienna. He did not hear it. Because he was deaf. In 1840 a tornado hit Natchez, MS killing 317. In 1847 the American Medical Association was founded to give doctors something to be a part of. In 1915 the German submarine Unterseeboat 20 sunk the RMS Lusitania killing 1198 people. In 1946 Sony was founded. In 1964 a suicidal passenger aboard a Pacific Air Lines flight shot the pilot and co-pilot during the flight. As you can probably guess, the plane crashed killing all 44 aboard. In 1992 four employees at a McDonald's in Nova Scotia, Canada were killed during a robbery. This was the first murder at a fast food restaurant in Canada. They're always lagging behind. In 1998 Daimler-Benz bought Chrysler for $40 billion. Bad move. In 1999 Pope John Paul II became the first Pope to visit a primarily Eastern Orthodox country since 1054 when he went to Romania. Later that day, a jury found the Jenny Jones Show liable for the murder of Scott Amedure (of Lake Orion, MI) who was killed after he announced on his show that he had a man-crush on his friend. If that's not enough to happen in one day, the US "accidentally" bombed the Chinese embassy in Belgrade. I am pretty sure the US military has never accidentally bombed an embassy of a nation with which we have potentially strained relations. Especially when nothing else around it was hit.

Today is Radio Day in Russia. So to celebrate I suggest you turn on your radio grab a bottle of vodka and a tin of pickled herring. Open up a copy of Tolstoy and start calling everyone comrade and saying "nyet" or "da" depending on the question.

If you were born today you have a good chance of being either a composer (like Tchaikovsky or Brahms) or a porn star (like Traci Lords or Nicole Sheridan). Either way perhaps you'll realize that in life there is a quiet rhythm and if you're quiet and still sometimes you can actually feel it. And in those still moments, when there is naught but the sublte undulations of the earth below and the skies above, it is possible to hear that soft spoken voice which my great-grandmother would have called god. I don't know if it's god or if it's simply that inner voice that is so often drowned out by the roar of life as we hurtle ourselves through it.... Today seems like a good day to be still and listen.... and if not today, then soon I hope, for all of us.

Of Swollen Streams

Bon matin. Aujourd'hui est (Mardi, Tuesday, Mangal-waar, Seshanbeh, yawm-ath-thalatha, Fidal, Sweetmorn). J'ai mal a la tete. Et je deteste les Fracaises. Maintenant, le chat est sur la table et l'amore est dans l'air. Je ne sais pas quelle je parle parce que ma Francaise est tres mal. Mais, je sais que je suis en amore avec une fille qui as le nom d'Allie. Sacre bleu. Merde. Cafe au lait.

Sorry about that.

So, I went and saw The Swell Season last night and it was pretty amazing. If you haven't seen "Once" or heard the songs from the movies, you should. I did NOT cry. But it was really hot in the Uptown Theater, and being really hot and sick, is rough. No complaints though. It was well worth it. I will say that it's not my typical concert, but it was very enjoyable. Someone thinks they're going to get me to go to a country music concert, and I think that person really has it in for me.

Today in 1527 Spanish and German troops sacked Rome. 147 Swiss Guards died protecting Pope Clement VII who fled to the Castel Sant'Angelo. Many people overlook the Castel when visiting Rome, but I have to say it's one of my favorite spots. The view from the roof is probably one of the best views in the world. And if you think that the Church is lacking money, today's picture is of Clement's bathroom in the Castel. In 1536 King Henry VIII ordered that English Bibles be placed in all churches. This is important because as we know, English is the language of God. In 1861 Arkansas seceded from the Union. Arkansas is the Natural State and is home to such natural things as Wal-Mart, Bill Clinton, and incest. The pronunciation of Arkansas was actually a subject of debate until 1881 when it was voted by the Arkansas legislature to be officically pronounced Ar-kan-saw. I have never stepped foot in Arkansas. In 1877 Chief Crazy Horse surrendered to the US Army in Nebraska. In 1889 the Eiffel Tower opened to the public. In 1937 the Hindenberg zeppelin exploded over Lakehurst, NJ killing everyone aboard. In 1954 Roger Bannister became the first person to run a sub 4-minute mile. In 1976 an earthquake killed 989 people in Friuli, a region in northern Italy. In 1988 a Norwegian plane crashed into the side of a mountain killing 36. In 1994 the Chunnel opened. There is no way in hell I would drive in a tunnel under the ocean. The potential for tragedy seems way too high. That very same day Paula Jones filed suit against Arkansas native Bill Clinton for sexual harassment. And in 2001 Pope John Paul II became the first Pope to enter a mosque.

Today is Durdevan in Serbia and Yuri's Day in Russia. These are just localized terms for St. George's Day. Apparently Yuri is Russian for George. I never knew this until today. I would never name my son George, and I would definitely never name him Yuri. But that's neither here nor there.

Happy Birthday: Pope Marcellus II; Pope Innocent X; Maximillian Robespierre, who was a real bastard; Sigmund Freud, I don't care what you say I never wanted to bone my mom; Orson Welles; Tony Blair; and George Clooney, I'm not saying that I would I would do a guy, but if I absolutely had to, if my life depended on it.... (that's a line from a movie and in the movie actually is referring to Elvis, but come on, Yuri Clooney is a good looking guy).

Two fingers and lots of love and au revoir.

The Swell Season

Welcome back to Hell. Or as most of us like to refer to it, the work week. That means it's (Monday, Soom-waar, Doshanbeh, yawm-al-ithnayn, Kamal, Setting Orange). If I had a little bit more crap in my head right now, I would probably not be able to hold it up. It would just flop around uncontrollably on my neck. I don't really know if this is allergies or an actual illness. I'm guessing that it's the latter since someone else with whom I've been in close proximity was sick last week. One cannot blame another for germs. It's the way of the world. And to be perfectly honest, I don't feel that bad. Just heavy in the head. Anyway, hopefully your weekend was marvellous. Mine was pretty fun. Yesterday I saw a pancake that was bigger than any pancake I have ever seen. It was ridiculous. But, damn it was good. I also watched a good amount of soccer in Emporia, KS. I had never been to Emporia before. And despite what you may think, there was an excellent place to eat lunch in that sprawling metropolis.

So, in 1260 Kublai Khan became the Mongol Emperor. In 1494 Christopher Columbus landed in Jamaica and more than likely got stoned. In 1809 Mary Kies became the first woman in the US to receive a patent. On the very same day the Swiss Canton of Aargau denied citizenship to Jews. In 1835 the first railway on the continent (Europe) opened in Belgium. In 1862 the Mexicans defeated the French at the Battle of Puebla. We celebrate this event as Cinco de Mayo. This has basically turned into a reason to get drunk on cerveza and tequila and is in effect a Mexican flavored St. Patrick's Day without the parades and leprechauns. I have no problem with celebrating, but if you ask any respectable Mexican, they will tell you that the actual holiday is really not all that significant for Mexicans. In 1865 the first train robbery took place in North Bend, OH. In 1891 Carnegie Hall opened in NYC. In 1925 John Scopes was served an arrest warrant for teaching evolution. In 1955 West Germany became a sovereign state 10 years after WWII ended. In 1991 a riot broke out in Mt. Pleasant, Washington, D.C. I've been there before, and it's a pretty cool area. And in 1992 the 27th Amendment to the US Constitution was ratified. If you don't know this one, it has to do with the salary of US Congressmen.

Today is International Midwives' Day. Midwives are not the middle wives of polygamous marriages. They are birthing engineers and witches. They drive vehicles with bumper stickers that read "My other car is a broomstick." They also do all natural childbirths that are void of drugs and doctors.

In Hong Kong, Macau, S. Korea, and Taiwan today is the Buddha's Birthday. Happy Birthday Buddha. It is also Children's Day in S. Korea. In Japan today is Boys' Day. It's good to be a boy. Despite being controlled by our stomaches, we bleed less.

In Albania it's Martyrs' Day. And it is also the Day of the Lusophone, which is someone who speaks Portuguese.

Happy Birthday: King Afonso III of Portugal; Karl Marx; Kurt Loder; Bob Seger (from MI); Bill Ward, drummer of Black Sabbath; Brian Williams (no relation), of NBC News; Tina Yothers, where are you now?; and Chris Brown, who is popular with the kids apparently.

Enjoy your Monday. Tonight I will be watching the duet from the movie "Once". I am very excited and I am not going to cry!!

Descent into the Maelstrom

Friday at last, thank god almighty, Friday at last. (And yes it's also Chukar-waar, Jom'eh, yawm-al-jum'a, Istiqlal, Boomtime.)

Hopefully the storms last night did not knock anyone's teeth out. I was woken up at about 2a.m. but it wasn't by the storm. No worries, I went back to sleep. Apparently the rain was blowing parallel to the ground at certain points last night. One thing I did learn is that they do not just test the air raid sirens on the first of the month in Kansas. Nope, those actually mean something. Who knew? Another great thing about Michigan is that aside from the occasional blizzard and the rare tornado, the number of natural disasters is pretty minimal. I do remember a severe flood when I was in 3rd grade. But that's neither here nor there. When in KS, heed air raid sirens. It does not mean that the Russians are attacking, but it does mean that you should take cover.

In 1808 the people of Madrid rose up in rebellion against French occupation (see the picture). Can you imagine being occupied by the French? GD French sound like they're mumbling all the time. I can't stand them. And they're so uppity. They don't even make any cool cars. I mean come on, a Citroen? In 1876 the April Uprising began in Bulgaria despite the fact that it was May. In 1885 Good Housekeeping went on sale for the first time. I'm guessing this was magazine was the brainchild of a man who wanted his wife to a better job of housekeeping. In 1918 General Motors acquired Chevrolet. In 1920 the first Negro National League baseball game was played in Indianapolis. In 1933 Adolf Hitler banned trade unions in Germany. In 1955 Tennessee Williams (no relation) won the Pulitzer Prize for "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof". And in 2004 a bunch of Christians masscred 630 Muslims in Nigeria.

In Poland today is Flag Day. In Iran today is Teachers' Day. More than likely they are teaching the children that the holocaust never happened and that America is evil. In Indonesia it is National Education Day. Please do not spit on the sidewalks or swear or you will be publicly flogged.

Happy Birthday: Dr. Spock; Englebert Humperdinck; The Rock; and David Beckham (please take your pretty ass back to the UK, we have enough useless celebrities already).

Please enjoy your day and your weekend. Apparently I'm going to Emporia, KS to watch soccer tomorrow. I was not aware of this until this morning and am quite excited to see yet another new place, even if it's Emporia, KS.

"Money can't by happiness, but poverty can't buy anything."

Happy Labour Day

"People, I just want to say, you know, can we all get along?"- Rodney King, 16 years ago today.

Once again we find ourself at work on this (Thursday, Veer-waar, Panjshanbeh, yawm-al-khamis, Istijlal, Sweetmorn) when the rest of the world has the day off. The reason is that it is Labour Day in the rest of the known universe. Of course in America, we have to be different and celebrate it in September. Why? I don't know. Maybe because we're not socialist scum. Not that there's anything wrong with socialists, they seem to have more holidays than capitalists. And right now, I could use a holiday. Today is Law Day in the USofA but seeing as how we don't really respect the law, it's still not a holiday. And if that's not enough, it's all so May Day. This has something to do with a mullberry bush and a running around a flagpole I think. I could be confusing my children's songs.

In 1707 England and Scotland merged and formed the Kingdom of Great Britain. In 1753 the "Species Planatarum" was published which codified plant taxonomy for the ages. In 1776 Adam Weishaupt established the Illuminati in Bavaria in order to take over the world. He took as his superhero name Brother Spartacus. He claimed to have the power of gaydar and wore black leather chaps and a thong. Many thought he was a tad strange. In 1834 slavery was abolished in the British colonies. In 1846 the Mormons dedicated the Temple in Nauvoo, IL. Two years later Phi Gamma Delta fraternity was founded. In 1886 the 8 hr work day was established in the US. In 1900 200 miners died in Scofield, UT. In 1927 the first cooked meals were served during a flight. Pasta or chicken? In 1931 the Empire State Building was dedicated. In 1971 Amtrak was founded. And in 1978 the first spam email was sent.

Today is Yom HaShoah, or Holocaust Remebrance Day. It is only slightly inconsiderate to propose a BBQ to celebrate. It's also Beltane in the Celtic lands which requires bonfires to be lit which may or may not be a reason to celebrate, but you should not celebrate both holidays at once.

In the Czech Republic today is National Love Day. In the past, I would be opposed to such a day. For some reason, I'm now completely ok with the idea of celebrating love and think that when you say love you should say it like Barry White said it. It's Lei Day in Hawaii which could be taken as having to do with some lovin'. And to make matters even better, it's National Outdoor Intercourse Day. That's what I'm talkin' about. Some good ol' outdoor lovin'. Everyone should go outside with their lover and become one with nature, or maybe two with nature, of if your're feeling really sexy, three with nature. Even the Romans were thinking about love today as the women of Rome were honoring Bona Dea today, the goddess of fertility (and virginity and healing and women).

It's all about the love baby! You may be allergic to the spring pollens, but you know you're not allergic to love, and if you are allergic to love, then you need some love antihistamines, like white chocolate, and my nickname just happens to be white chocolate. So while you're spending your May Day at work sneezing and mad because you're not in a socialist country which has the day off of work and stuck in your capitalist office, just remember that there's someone out there that loves you and has some love antihistamines waiting for you and it's called white chocolate. And if you want to be called Calamity Jane, because it's her birthday today, even though she looked like a man (see picture), then I'll be your Pecos Bill, and we can make sweet cowboy love under a blanket of stars and I'll sing you a Tim McGraw song (it's his birthday too) although I don't know any, but I'm sure at least one of them is about love. And I love you even if you are sneezing due to all the pollens in the air and you have snot running down your face and I made you wear that Lei around your neck which is made of flowers and is making your allergies even worse, but hey, I always wanted to make love outdoors to a cowgirl in a lei. I'll call you Bona Dea, baby, and my love is bonified, I promise.

Ok... I will now put down the pipe.