Welcome to (Thursday, Veer-waar, Panjshanbeh, yawm-al-khamis, Istijlal, dydd Ian, Boomtime). This week seems to be moving at a snail's pace. But I guess it's almost over. And of this I am thankful. I have decided that much like Dark Helmet, I am surrounded by a-holes. If you don't know what I'm talking about, please see the movie "Spaceballs". I am of the firm belief that this is one of the funniest movies of all time. You can disagree with me, however, if you do you will suffer eternal damnation during which you will be forced to continually watch re-runs of "Full House." It has been determined that I am not really as cool as I think I am because of the level of excitement I feel at the announcement that someone is finally making a movie of one of Edgar Rice Burroughs' John Carter of Mars books. This is quite possibly on the same level of cool as Star Trek fanatics and Baptists.
In 1284, according to legend, the Pied Piper lured 130 children away from Hamelin, Germany. No one is really sure what this story is based upon, but it is generally assumed that there was an outbreak of the plague which killed a lot of children. For quite some time it was assumed that the Pied Piper was a characterization of an evil Jew who stole the children away from the good German town in order to sacrifice them and drink their blood. But this explanation is now deemed to be un-p.c. In 1409 in what is known to historians as the Western Schism and to the Vatican as The Great Clusterf*&k, a third Pope was elected in Pisa. So, that means there were three Popes at one time, Alexander V, Gregory XII, and Benedict XII. Talk about a marketing nightmare. No one knew what the hell was going on. In 1870 Christmas was declared a federal holiday in the US. In 1934 the first helicopter took flight. In 1959 the St. Lawrence Seaway opened up the Great Lakes to ocean-going vessels. In 1963 John F. Kennedy announced to the world that he was a jelly donut when he stated, "Ich bin ein Berliner." In 1974 the UPC, or barcode, was scanned for the first time. Many idiots believe this to be one of the signs of the Antichrist, or possibly a way for the government to track all major purchases. I have heard that eventually we'll all have barcodes on us so that we can be tracked too. Of course this was told to me by my Uncle Jimmy who burries his money in his yard so that the government won't find it. Of course he's getting old and in about two years he probably won't be able to find it either. In 1975 2 FBI agents were killed in a shootout with AIM members at the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation. In 1997 the US Supreme Court ruled that the Communications Decency Act violates the 1st Amendment. And then in 2003 they ruled that gender based sodomy laws were unconstitutional opening up kinky sex to everyone, in the privacy of your own home of course.
Today is the International Day in Support of Torture Victims. So, if you know one, please support them in their recovery. I don't happen to know anyone who has been tortured, so I will be passing on this one.
It is also the International Day agaist Drug Abuse and Illicit Trafficking. I do know some people who have abused drugs which are illegal and someone must have trafficked them which is inherently illicit. Bad, bad people.
In Madagascar it's Independence Day. In Thailand it's Sunthorn Phu Day in honor of their greatest poet who just happened to also be an alcoholic.
And it's also Saints John and Paul Day. This is followed by the less popular Saints George and Ringo Day.
Enjoy. I'm having trouble finding my baseball.
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